What’s wrong with me? Want to hear a male perspective

[Namedmyself]

I grew up not thinking I was attractive and used to think who would want to be with me?

but for a long time I have been very confident and comfortable in my body and who I am. Of course, like any woman, I still have wobbles on certain days.

here is my question. Why do guys stare/ give me Attention / talk to me etc but won’t ask me out?

I went into work today, it was a nice hot day in central London so I dressed in a bright summer dress and did my usual make up. Got loads of lovely compliments from my female colleagues and even from women in stores. I noticed the stares / glances of guys and one person even came and introduced himself to me at our work kitchen, I went out after work and could see a few guys glance but that’s it.

its been like this all my life.

In the past I have approached guys I’ve been with and that is how we’ve ended up dating etc. They have always said they find me beautiful/ attractive etc but I know they wouldn’t have made the first move

i believe I’m a good person and people seem to gravitate towards me. I don’t like being the centre of attention but have a good group of friends and have always fitted in with work people very quickly, being invited out and even on holidays. So it’s not because i’m Socially awkward but what is it about me then?

I would especially like to hear from you If you are a guy, is it that you just want to have a quick look / chat etc but don’t care to take it any further?

@Blueey that was me! I agree with the posters who say men are petrified to do anything now. I am shy and wished I had flirted more with him when he was here but, I was so nervous I couldn't go all out flirting and I think he did not want to risk it. He gave me enough opportunities to to be fair. Now the opportunity has gone and I am gutted. Op, I wonder, if like me, you are waiting for the guy to make the move/ask you out? I am starting to think that men are just too wary now of overstepping.

In my case I'm an introvert, I'm quiet and shy but I perhaps don't look it by my appearance. Always been the same, I'll see women who I find attractive and I would be happy to chat and get to know them but I don't make a move.

That and if they look at me I generally can't work out whether they are interested or not.

@JibbaJab

if the woman is giving you enough attention / signs go for it! If you do it in a respectful way, you’re only going to regret it later on life!

I find a lot of guys are like this and this may be part of the reason

@Namedmyself I know you're likely right but I've spent the majority of my life feeling invisible to everyone. People like me once they know me and say I don't look like I am, I can get on with anyone but I'm just... dunno...solitary, quiet and calm.

Strangely women I can relate to more than men yet I have absolutely no idea what signs if any are shown in terms of being interested, lol. Unless someone straight out said to me they were or came over, I struggle to know and assume I have something on me.

But yes you may be right in general...I doubt there's anything wrong with you anyway. I know others who are similar to me and others who are more keen and will but they don't treat people right...so dunno.

Most men are too scared to compliment a woman nowadays lest they are reported for sexual harassment.
Can't blame them really.
A male friend used to work for a right-on leftie local authority in London and the men were told not to even make eye contact with female colleagues as it could be construed as harassment.

This was way back in the 80s !!

I get asked out/approached but they are either weirdos or far too young or too old. They have balls of steel/nothing to lose/no social boundaries.
No man my age, who is single and "normal" has ever approached me.

Chatting up women in inappropriate places is creepy. Workplaces, on the street, gyms, etc are not a place a decent bloke will try to initiate something.

I think then, if you mean that men don’t approach you at all but do eye you up… that often men are slightly intimidated by a bold woman and are a little afraid you’ll say no. This does not affect road men at all, they have no lack of confidence and love the challenge hence all the shouting out of car windows. 🤣

Also don’t agree about gyms. There are some nice guys at the gym, you can tell who the nicer ones are, they take their time and aren’t all weird stares.

Yeah, small violins for @VeniVidiWeeWee, whose naturally complimentary nature has been tragically ground down by office rules to make him behave like a professional.

@VeniVidiWeeWee — just curious. How often did you say ‘You look nice today’ to your male colleagues?

Why don't you make the first move if you fancy someone? Or at least giving out signal that you are interested in getting to know each other better?

I remember those days. I honestly prefer to be proactive than being passive. That way, I'm sure I like that person.

I had a few occasions that people whom I wasn't interested in were trying to pursue. That feeling was not pleasant.

So, yes, try to make the first move yourself. That way, you know you are after someone who's decent and is of your type.

Men are afraid of rejection just like women are

Men aren’t a different species and it’s not difficult to work them out in my view.

Maybe because I grew up with brothers and went to mixed sex schools- All my relationships started as friendships first.

Perhaps stop looking at all men as potential boyfriends and trying to second guess their “intentions “?

Treat them as normal human beings.

Also accept the fact that noticing a persons physical appearance and finding them sexually attractive does not mean wanting a romantic relationship.
Men who ask for dates based purely on your short dress and lipstick usually just want sex.

Are you actually a woman, OP?
Because this is a ridiculously 'male gaze' post.

Women aren't generally hanging around looking decorative, hoping a random man will ask her out.

That's not generally how things happen IRL. You get to know 'guys' as people in your life and if there's an attraction it builds and become something, not because you're beautiful enough for them to 'ask you out' on a particular day. It's more organic and less transactional than that. Or it's online dating with its own particular dance, but either way, thinking of guys as this other who you don't understand isn't going to get you a nice simpatico partner to relax with and be yourself around.

Unless your drunk in a bar and a guy thinks your an easy winky park then that doesn't happen in real life.

Why do you think men should go around harassing women on the street?

Men seem to like my ass for some reason, I don't get butt fetishes and I'm pear shaped so my hips/arse are by far the fattest part of me. Sometime me or DH catch someone staring at my ass (they might like it, they might be horrified I don't know).

regardless though A) I am married and B) so are many of the guys looking.

Last time I wore PVC trousers for Halloween (a year ago) a guy did an obvious double take of my ass as I walked past (well I didn't see it but DH claimed he did). I did turn around after hearing his wife loudly declared 'your a fucking pervert' before storming off. There was basically only me, DH, him and his wife on the street, I highly doubt his thoughts where to come over and ask me out.

Some times I look at people too, we are only human. Virtually never because I fancy them, normally because I think they are 'pretty' or I think cool hairstyle or I either like/hate their outfit or they have lipstick on their teeth etc... not because I think 'pworh I need some of that'.

Yeah the whole tone of this does seem odd .

The bloke introducing himself in the kitchen at work and op “shutting the conversation down “ because she didn’t fancy him ? 🤔

Why not just strike up a conversation as colleagues? ..are you new here/ what department/how are you finding it? Etc or a bit of small talk?

Its a bit daft to act as if every man that looks or approaches you is doing so because you have a pretty dress on?

Its all a bit self conscious and self absorbed

to the other poster who said I was trying to date the guy in the kitchen- he approached me, I wasn’t interested and shut the convo down in this instance.

How do you know you aren't interested and shut someone down with the time of a kitchen convo? I think you should focus on building rapport, enjoying conversations and interaction rather than expecting romantic interest and/or shutting down romantic interest quite so quickly.

Ha @SmileyClare ditto.

Do you ever listen to your male colleagues talk between themselves at work? You'd be surprised how much they do actually compliment each other on appearance. Of course they use suitably "male" words like "sharp", but it does happen, at least in places I've worked.

I’m a little bemused by this is well. The underlying message is you feel you’re very attractive, and I absolutely applaud your self confidence, I’m sure you are, but what I don’t applaud is it feels like you want people to tell you that. You’re too attractive, they are intimidated, whatever, whatever.

you seem to want validation and seek it in others looks, even posting in here, and you seem to be looking for attention, are people looking, are they complimenting you, that sort of thing.

people don’t ask you out on the street or randomly at work. It’s a ludicrous idea. Someone at work talking to you and saying hi doesn’t mean they fancy you.

do you have a social,life, clubs, pubs, whatever, where you can engage with men, that’s where you will be asked out. Keep up with the self confidence, but try to understand why you may need validation on your appearance so much.

It is. I am struggling to imagine, even if I were unhappily single, keeping a running tally of compliments on my appearance from friends, colleagues and random people in shops.

you’re working really hard to take offence aren’t you🙄

anyway, it would be nice if a nice guy had asked me out all those years instead of just wanting to talk / glance my way. It just gets disheartening at times

You sound quite inexperienced and naive, like you get all your dating knowledge from American TV.
Someone finding a person attractive and then wanting to talk to them is totally rather than immediately ask them out is normal. Without being harsh maybe they talk to you and then realise they aren’t that interested in you as a person?

I don’t know anyone who goes on dates with total ransoms they’ve never even had a conversation with. Why would they?? At the point of meeting before any conversation you don’t know a single thing about the person other than what they look like, there’s nothing to suggest you will like someone or want to pursue a relationship based on what they look like alone.

This.

At uni I was sat in the student hub on one sofa eating lunch and there where 3 girls on the sofa behind very loudly moaning about being 'single forever' and not finding 'a nice guy'.

They then started scrolling through a dating site but brought up a flaw for literally EVERY photo of man as to why they weren't good enough (things like dont like his hair, he has a tattoo, he rides a motorbike, I don't like the shirt hes wearing, He only works as a cook etc...). They where going to town slagging these strangers off for no reason on some of the shallowest reasons I ever heard based on just a photo or two. I remember eating my sandwich thinking 'Jeez I wonder why you are all still single'.