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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable to have stayed out all day?

83 replies

Pianko · 23/08/2023 16:36

I currently work 2 days a week to save nursery fees, my husband works full time 5 days a week. We have a 4 year old and my husband has an older child, my stepchild who is 12 (13 in Oct).

Obviously as its the holidays they've been at home a lot (no problem) and have even stayed at home alone all day previously when mum has worked or both me and DH have been working.

Last week they happened to be at ours on a day I wasn't working however I did have an appointment early in the morning for our 4 year old and so told them I was popping out to that.

Whilst I was out a friend called who has similar aged DC and asked if I fancied going out with them for the day. I said yes and text DSC to say I'd be back later than planned and sent them some money to their bank if they wanted to go and get something for lunch. No problem.

I ended up being out most of the day until after DH was back home (so gone from around 8am to around 5pm ish). He thinks I was unreasonable to leave DSC at home alone all day when I wasn't working (it's seemingly not an issue when I am) and says I should have come all the way home, (i was already closer to the place we were going after my appt than i was home) and made them come with me, come home earlier because I knew they were at home or rang him to tell him at work.

I disagree, both he and ex seem to have no problem with DSC being left alone when it suits them, but it's suddenly a problem if I'm not in work? DSC in the middle of all this couldn't have cared less and spent the day chilling out and playing online with friends. I told them where I was going, asked if they were okay at home and sent them money if they needed anything, also had my phone on me all day and was contactable.

OP posts:
frozencarlotta · 23/08/2023 16:40

If they have no issue leaving them alone when they are in charge, then there should be no issue with you doing the same

You checked in with them, they were fine.

The only other thing that might have helped would have been to let DH know, but....

1AngelicFruitCake · 23/08/2023 16:41

I’m not a step parent so might be well out of line but when you have children with someone who has children, don’t their needs come into what you do? Yes it was inconvenient for you but imagine you and your partner split up and in 8 years that’s your child being left at home.

Was there a compromise? To contact child and offer to come back?

funinthesun19 · 23/08/2023 16:53

1AngelicFruitCake · 23/08/2023 16:41

I’m not a step parent so might be well out of line but when you have children with someone who has children, don’t their needs come into what you do? Yes it was inconvenient for you but imagine you and your partner split up and in 8 years that’s your child being left at home.

Was there a compromise? To contact child and offer to come back?

Oh give over. The child is 13 in October and was safe and fed. She sent money and was fully contactable if the child needed her. If she had two biological children with the same age gap, I have no doubts she would have done the same and taken her small child to have a previously unplanned play date with a similar aged child. Does an almost 13 year old really need to be picked up and dragged along too? Sounds like the older child was alright and chilled with friends online all day without anyone else around. Kids are allowed to do that.

When I was 12/13 I used to spend full days on my own or with friends while my parents were out or at work. I used to love it and certainly wouldn’t have been offended if my stepdad stayed out longer than he said he would.

Merryoldgoat · 23/08/2023 16:55

If they’re ok with it then no issue.

However I wouldn’t leave a child that age alone for that long.

Owjrbvr · 23/08/2023 16:59

I think what you did is fine; it’s not one rule for when you’re working and one rule for when you’re not. I doubt the 13 year old would have wanted to come out

saffronsoup · 23/08/2023 17:02

I would just let DH know if DSC will be home alone all day. I do think parents should have an idea of what is happening with their child each day and maybe DH checks in more often when child is home alone or tries to get off work earlier etc. If something happened with DSC and then neither parent knew they had been home alone all day, it would look somewhat negligent.

Sssudio · 23/08/2023 17:03

I'd have felt sad that you were out doing something whilst I was at home alone all day so on that basis YABU

Whataretheodds · 23/08/2023 17:06

I don't think it would have been necessary to drag the 13 year old out with you but I would have given them a call to tell them what I was doing (rather than text) and check what they were planking, reassure them if necessary, and called again a bit later to check in

TomatoSandwiches · 23/08/2023 17:07

YANBU and your husband has absolutely no leg to stand on if he leaves his child alone as well even for working.
This is about control, controlling your " free time " I'd be looking to go back to work FT and then he can figure out how he's going to do half the work on holidays for both of his responsibilities.

needtonamechangeforthis1 · 23/08/2023 17:11

Sssudio · 23/08/2023 17:03

I'd have felt sad that you were out doing something whilst I was at home alone all day so on that basis YABU

@Sssudio are you not capable of understanding that other people may feel differently to you?

saffronsoup · 23/08/2023 17:13

I think you are not unreasonable to be out all day.

I think you are unreasonable to not have sent your husband a text in the morning letting him know his child would be home alone all day. Basic courtesy if your plans change.

At 12, staying at home alone for 10 hours is sometimes a necessity but most parents will try to minimize the numbers of days and hours a tween is home alone. Dad might have made alternate plans if he had known or checked in more often.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 23/08/2023 17:14

Did your dh check in and send his own dc some spends?

saffronsoup · 23/08/2023 17:14

needtonamechangeforthis1 · 23/08/2023 17:11

@Sssudio are you not capable of understanding that other people may feel differently to you?

Show quote history

Are you not capable of understanding that SSSudio feels differentty to you? All that poster did was speak to their own pesonal feelings.

The thread is a question asking if the poster is being unreasonable. People answer with their own perspectives.

Alargeoneplease89 · 23/08/2023 17:22

The child was happy to be left, you checked in and offered money so they could get lunch, I don't see the problem.

Next time, DH will have to leave work early if he's the one bothered?!

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 23/08/2023 17:33

If your DH feels that it’s an issue then why does he do exactly the same? And why does his ex wife do exactly the same?

Next time he wants you to look after them I’m sure you might be tempted to be ‘busy’. And he won’t bloody like that either, will he? 😆

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 23/08/2023 17:34

Owjrbvr · 23/08/2023 16:59

I think what you did is fine; it’s not one rule for when you’re working and one rule for when you’re not. I doubt the 13 year old would have wanted to come out

Precisely.

if it’s alright for the child to be home alone for this amount when OP is working or when it suits the parents?
then why wouldn’t it be fine when OP is out with a friend?

yogasaurus · 23/08/2023 17:37

He doesn’t have a leg to stand on if he leaves DSC when you’re both working.

Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 17:38

I think probably you should have let him know his child was home alone all day, especially if coming home early is an option for him.

UsingChangeofName · 23/08/2023 17:40

Of course YWBU.

If anything - you were being rather generous sending him money, rather than just saying "there's pasta in the cupboard, or beans or eggs or whatever if you prefer".

I might have mentioned it to dh if he works flexibly enough to be able to come and work at home for part of the day if he wanted to, but YWNBU not to.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 23/08/2023 17:51

Yanbu.

I think it sucks this kid is left alone so much though. 13 is still young to be alone all day.

Fotophrame · 23/08/2023 17:53

At first I read if that they were both at home (12 yr old in charge of 4 yr old) and was ready to say that's unreasonable!

But of course if a 12 yr old is used to being at home alone and it's fine when his mum or dad are looking after him, it should be exactly the same with you.

It's established he's able to cope with this and there is no way he'd have wanted to come along.

SoundsOfNature · 23/08/2023 17:56

YANBU. There must be thousands of 12 year olds who are left home alone especially in summer holidays. They cannot have it both ways, either he is capable enough to be left alone or he isn't. It can't be fine when his parents leave him but not fine when you leave him.

At 12/13 both of mine would prefer to stay home and game with their mates all day rather than being dragged out with a parent. We were left home alone lots in a time where we didn't have mobile phones to be able to contact someone. Somehow we all survived.

redskytwonight · 23/08/2023 18:02

Sssudio · 23/08/2023 17:03

I'd have felt sad that you were out doing something whilst I was at home alone all day so on that basis YABU

Most children at this age would have relished the freedom and have not preferred to do something with their step mum and much younger sibling.

Was the child actually bothered? This is only an issue if he was.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2023 18:15

He’s being ridiculous.

How much time has be taken off to spend with both children or is life carrying while you do it all?

brentwoods · 23/08/2023 19:05

You are being tedious with the "they" nonsense. I thought you were including the 4 year old and it made no sense at first. Just say he or she, even if you make it up.