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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable to have stayed out all day?

83 replies

Pianko · 23/08/2023 16:36

I currently work 2 days a week to save nursery fees, my husband works full time 5 days a week. We have a 4 year old and my husband has an older child, my stepchild who is 12 (13 in Oct).

Obviously as its the holidays they've been at home a lot (no problem) and have even stayed at home alone all day previously when mum has worked or both me and DH have been working.

Last week they happened to be at ours on a day I wasn't working however I did have an appointment early in the morning for our 4 year old and so told them I was popping out to that.

Whilst I was out a friend called who has similar aged DC and asked if I fancied going out with them for the day. I said yes and text DSC to say I'd be back later than planned and sent them some money to their bank if they wanted to go and get something for lunch. No problem.

I ended up being out most of the day until after DH was back home (so gone from around 8am to around 5pm ish). He thinks I was unreasonable to leave DSC at home alone all day when I wasn't working (it's seemingly not an issue when I am) and says I should have come all the way home, (i was already closer to the place we were going after my appt than i was home) and made them come with me, come home earlier because I knew they were at home or rang him to tell him at work.

I disagree, both he and ex seem to have no problem with DSC being left alone when it suits them, but it's suddenly a problem if I'm not in work? DSC in the middle of all this couldn't have cared less and spent the day chilling out and playing online with friends. I told them where I was going, asked if they were okay at home and sent them money if they needed anything, also had my phone on me all day and was contactable.

OP posts:
Bandyarsia · 23/08/2023 19:08

I thought the 4 year old was with SC too, very confusing.

Brefugee · 23/08/2023 19:11

I'm sure the 13 year old was perfectly capable of sending her own dad a text to say "oh I'm lonely can you come home"

She probably loved being left to her own devices

Original poster
Pianko · 24/08/2023 07:29

Sorry for the confusion, no 4 year old DD was with me and 12 year old SS was home.

OP posts:
Octosaurus · 24/08/2023 07:33

DH sounds controlling, like he's actually upset you were out having a seemingly nice time instead of slaving after the household

Octosaurus · 24/08/2023 07:35

TomatoSandwiches · 23/08/2023 17:07

YANBU and your husband has absolutely no leg to stand on if he leaves his child alone as well even for working.
This is about control, controlling your " free time " I'd be looking to go back to work FT and then he can figure out how he's going to do half the work on holidays for both of his responsibilities.

Bingo!

Niftyswiftie · 24/08/2023 07:37

I think you were unreasonable for making that decision about someone else's child. You should have let DH know and he could have made alternative arrangements if he wasn't happy.

Janieforever · 24/08/2023 07:43

To be very clear on what you are saying, your husband and his ex regularly leave the child alone all day? Or do they leave them for short periods.

can you clarify?

sashh · 24/08/2023 07:44

Sssudio · 23/08/2023 17:03

I'd have felt sad that you were out doing something whilst I was at home alone all day so on that basis YABU

OTOH I would have loved being left with the house to myself and cash to get fish and chips.

76evie · 24/08/2023 07:45

I personally wouldn’t leave my 12 year old home alone all day, however as both their parents do, I don’t think you are unreasonable for doing the same.

slopsan · 24/08/2023 07:47

I think YABU. When You left the house you were due to be out for a short period of time. Changing that to 9 hours without speaking to your SS or letting their parent know they would be alone all day is unreasonable. Totally different from being home alone when it is planned and everyone is aware

Loulou599 · 24/08/2023 07:48

It's no problem leaving a 12 year old who is used to it alone all day.

It's a problem not to tell their parents that your plan has changed and that's what their son will be doing.

HaPPy8 · 24/08/2023 07:49

I think you should have let him know too sorry. 12 is old enough to be left for periods of time but not tooo much I don’t think so the cumulative time would be relevant to me.

having said that no harm done and not worth holding grudges over … I’d just text his dad next time.

QueSyrahSyrah · 24/08/2023 07:51

Not unreasonable for a 12 year old to be left alone for a day.

Unreasonable not to let his parent know.

Janieforever · 24/08/2023 07:53

QueSyrahSyrah · 24/08/2023 07:51

Not unreasonable for a 12 year old to be left alone for a day.

Unreasonable not to let his parent know.

That really depends on the parent, and the op has not been clear if they actually leave their child whole days, im suspecting they don’t.

I fully agree with you not informing the parent, or the child that that was the plan is not acceptable.

MossGrowsFat · 24/08/2023 07:53

Sssudio · 23/08/2023 17:03

I'd have felt sad that you were out doing something whilst I was at home alone all day so on that basis YABU

Depends though, if they were at Chessington I'd have felt sad for the teen, if they were at soft play I'd have felt sad for the teen being there.

Being on your own at home is nothing like it was when we grew up, being online with friends means they don't feel lonely and the nature of video games means time flies.

IamnotSethRogan · 24/08/2023 07:54

I have a 12 year old and would have done what you did. The truth of it is, even if you were home I'd imagine they would still be playing online and wouldn't have noticed. You'd have come home, missed the nice day with your son potentially not to interact that much with SS anyway. And the double standard is irksome. It's not like he's not left alone for that amount of time.

Original poster
Pianko · 24/08/2023 07:59

I guess I didn't think to let DH know because I'd never agreed to just sit at home all day and look after SS. At no point has DH ever said to me 'are you okay with X today?' He just goes off to work and leaves him here, to me that is the same as when he leaves him when we are both at work, he doesn't ask what my plans are so I assume he doesn't care.

And yes when both parents are at work SS is left from when they leave to when they get home now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pianko · 24/08/2023 07:59

IamnotSethRogan · 24/08/2023 07:54

I have a 12 year old and would have done what you did. The truth of it is, even if you were home I'd imagine they would still be playing online and wouldn't have noticed. You'd have come home, missed the nice day with your son potentially not to interact that much with SS anyway. And the double standard is irksome. It's not like he's not left alone for that amount of time.

And yes this is exactly my point, it makes no difference if I'm in the house or not in terms of what SS would be doing.

OP posts:
CommonVetch · 24/08/2023 08:00

Ah, so he sees you as the default childcare.

Notamum12345577 · 24/08/2023 08:01

brentwoods · 23/08/2023 19:05

You are being tedious with the "they" nonsense. I thought you were including the 4 year old and it made no sense at first. Just say he or she, even if you make it up.

Maybe the 12 year old is non-binary, so that is why the OP has said they?

aSofaNearYou · 24/08/2023 08:02

YANBU, it's totally unreasonable for your DH to just assume that by default any time you are not working will be spend looking after his kid without even asking you.

stayathomer · 24/08/2023 08:04

I was about to say he was being unreasonable but then I thought the only way I leave my 13yo at home alone is when we are absolutely stuck stuck-neither of us can get out of work at all and generally I get home to find he's been plonked in front of the tv or on his phone most of the day because nobody was there to parent him (shove him outside, tell him to read a book, chat to him etc) so in that way I do think it was a little unnecessary staying out the whole day. And I think people whould stop wiht the his children thing, he was at work, op wasn't, there was a child in their house.

HateTheView · 24/08/2023 08:24

YANBU

When my kids were that age they actually liked having the whole house to themselves! Also you were kinder than me, I would have just told them to make themself a sandwich for lunch.

rainbowstardrops · 24/08/2023 08:34

I personally wouldn't leave a 12 year old alone for the whole day but that's just me but if this is a regular thing with the stepson and he's happy with it then fair enough.
I would have let your DH know though, just so he's aware and can check in more, knowing his son was alone.
Did you go to a place that a 12 year old would have enjoyed with a 4 year old anyway?!

Blanketsburg · 24/08/2023 08:40

Notamum12345577 · 24/08/2023 08:01

Maybe the 12 year old is non-binary, so that is why the OP has said they?

Show quote history

Everyone is non-binary, everyone has a sex, and in any case, said 12-year-old is not on this thread, so there would be no need for OP to indulge this at the cost of making sense. The first two paras absolutely read as though the 4yo and 12yo are both left home alone regularly.

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