Was I unreasonable to have stayed out all day?

[Pianko]

I currently work 2 days a week to save nursery fees, my husband works full time 5 days a week. We have a 4 year old and my husband has an older child, my stepchild who is 12 (13 in Oct).

Obviously as its the holidays they've been at home a lot (no problem) and have even stayed at home alone all day previously when mum has worked or both me and DH have been working.

Last week they happened to be at ours on a day I wasn't working however I did have an appointment early in the morning for our 4 year old and so told them I was popping out to that.

Whilst I was out a friend called who has similar aged DC and asked if I fancied going out with them for the day. I said yes and text DSC to say I'd be back later than planned and sent them some money to their bank if they wanted to go and get something for lunch. No problem.

I ended up being out most of the day until after DH was back home (so gone from around 8am to around 5pm ish). He thinks I was unreasonable to leave DSC at home alone all day when I wasn't working (it's seemingly not an issue when I am) and says I should have come all the way home, (i was already closer to the place we were going after my appt than i was home) and made them come with me, come home earlier because I knew they were at home or rang him to tell him at work.

I disagree, both he and ex seem to have no problem with DSC being left alone when it suits them, but it's suddenly a problem if I'm not in work? DSC in the middle of all this couldn't have cared less and spent the day chilling out and playing online with friends. I told them where I was going, asked if they were okay at home and sent them money if they needed anything, also had my phone on me all day and was contactable.

If the 12 year old is non binary, and has asked everyone to refer to them as ‘they’, if the parents or step parents are respecting their wishes they would absolutely refer to them by their chosen pronouns even when said 12 year old was not there. Otherwise it would be misgendering. If they don’t agree with non binary / trans issues that is fine, but if the child had asked them to I guess the majority would respect those wishes.

Ah well. I would now be telling dh that it’s his child, not yours so you won’t be looking after them any more and he and his ex need to arrange childcare accordingly in the summer

then watch him change his tune

She’s close enough to him to make these sorts of parenting decisions. She knows him well enough to know what he will be comfortable and happy with.
If the dad doesn’t want her to organise her own time and where he fits in to it rather than the other way around, then he should find alternative arrangements. He’s 13, not 3. She should be able to get on with her day.

And if the SS is someone else’s child as you say, then maybe that “someone else” ie the dad should get on with parenting his kid then. 🤷🏼‍♀️
But I bet the OP is in charge of him on a regular basis which means that the dad is quite happy to use her for her time.

This.

You are the au pair to him and his Ex.

He thinks he is the boss of you and you are most certainly not allowed the freedom he and his Ex have.

What a plonker you have married, but par for the course on here when men and step children are involved.

Stand up for yourself or there will be more of this.

One of the options / solutions her DH gave was to ring him at work and make him aware. So everyone going on about this man being controlling and not wanting her to leave the house are really just showing their own sexist views.

I think you should have let DH know that you would be out all day. And perhaps offered to DSC to join, even if you knew they'd say no.

Is this more a concern about the DC playing online too much?
I'm wondering if dad feels guilty for the amount of unavoidable screen time in the house during work and that is why he isn't happy about another whole day in the house?
I'd bring up whether that is the issue, and if so get him to work on suggesting meeting with friends outside and planning more outdoors activities for dad's days off.

I wouldn't habitually leave my similar age child to play online all day but as a one off and particularly if his mum and dad do it I can't see a huge issue. If it was all the time I would be concerned about her not getting out and about and she still needs a bit of encouragement to leave the house.

So I don't think you've done anything wrong here tbh

So there are three parents involved

2 parents are allowed to go off whenever they like leaving the child in the house

1 parent isn't

Fuck that shit. I would be inclined to tell him that you have plans for the remainder of the holidays etc and if he wants childcare he will need to organise it as you cannot guarantee to be there

The DH doesn't even do her the courtesy of making her aware when he is leaving the house leaving her behind with the child. He just swans off assuming she will be around to look after the child and complains if she isn't.

If he actually cared about being informed then he should had a conversation where they discussed who was responsible for childcare when and what to do if either of them were unavailable

Not just presumed

Maybe her husband has form for pulling his face though and OP didn’t want him determining how her day will go. That’s controlling enough. His reaction later on in the day does tell me that he would have pulled his face if she went seeking his approval.
If dss was their joint child then she wouldn’t have gone ringing for her husband’s permission to stay out all day while their almost 13 year old is happy at home. I don’t see why it should be any different if he is a stepson. If she’s good enough to be in charge of him regularly, then she’s good enough to make logical decisions regarding dss without running to his dad for permission.

I am sure your Stepchild enjoyed the peace.

YANBU. The only thing I would have done differently is that’d text DSS and ask if he wanted to join us and collected him if he said yes, safe in the certainty that he would say no There are very few young teens that would swap a day in gaming with friends for a day at the soft play with a pair of 4 year olds…

I don't tend to leave my 12yo for prolonged periods bacause I know that he wouldn't get himself off-screen long enough to make himself beans on toast, and I'd just find him safe, happy and surrounded by crisp/ biscuit wrappers. That's my preference for my child and fortunately many of his peers are better at self care.

The being out longer than expected but checking that the 12yo is fine with it is no problem.

If DH wanted to know so he'd adjust his day and come back earlier/ check-in, that's reasonable.
If he's just buggered off for the day assuming that you're present to parent his child and won't do anything about changing situations, that's unreasonable.

Do I/ would I tell DH if I was going to be out longer? It depends on if it changes who is better placed to be the first point of contact if DS has an issue. He's mutually our child but I don't update him on everything, and as a step-mum with a child between you, you're clearly trusted to be in loco parentis so shouldn't have to constantly defer to parents for the sake of it.

I think I'm confused- what happens when op is working, the child is left in the house? So how is the dh heading to work and op could have been there being her being left with the child? Oh and I hate hate hate this differentiation between who the child's parent is-if a child is in the house it's the responsibility of whoever is in the house. I know two children who are stepchildren and in one case the sm introduces them as such and constantly reiterates that she's not her mother. The poor child looks so hurt about it! Op and her dh have a family and she seems nice as introducing the 12yo as such so posters don't need to do the 'fuck that, not your child' rubbish!!!

I would not leave a 12 year old all day-step child or not.

If you both work, does he check on the SS during the day? Or adjusts his work schedule in any way?

If yes, it would be good to let him now. Otherwise, I don't see the problem.

At no point has DH ever said to me 'are you okay with X today?' He just goes off to work and leaves him here, to me that is the same as when he leaves him when we are both at work, he doesn't ask what my plans are so I assume he doesn't care.

Your DH is a hypocritical shit and the answer here is to tell he is responsible for his own child and you will do just as he and his ex do.

Given the child's mother and father have been leaving them alone all day when it suits them then I think they are the ones at fault here

The OP is just following their lead on their ideas about whether a 12 year old can be left alone all day

By demanding the OP doesnt leave the child alone the DH is actually expecting the OP to override his parental decisions.

I'm guessing it probably wouldn't go down well if the OP usually tried to over ride the parental decisions

do this all the time - i have a 15 year old step son - and a 2 year old!

Step son sleeps half the day anyway so i go out in the mornings with 2 year old and leave him asleep and when i get back he's either gaming or asleep

hes no interest in coming to most of the activities i do with younger one

we do other stuff as a family.

Yes I was confused by this too

Do you even have children, most nearly 13 year olds would be delighted for a bit of time alone at home, especially if there's food provided

I'd have sent a message to DH just to let him know, but no it makes no sense that he's happy for him to be alone when you're working but suddenly it's not fine when you're out for other reasons. It sounds like if he's so fussed he needs to take more of a lead in sorting childcare for his child rather than expecting you to do it.

There is no such thing as non-binary, but thanks for the laugh.