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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you date a pedant?

112 replies

ArcticPurple · 23/08/2023 12:18

DP's pedantry is really getting to me.

I spent a lot of time abroad and once accidentally used the American spelling for "gray". He knew what I meant. He knew I was picking the grey shirt. But yet I got a "?" and "did you mean the grey one?".

We know precisely ONE Cate. I was talking about going over to Cate's house for brunch as I do fairly frequently. Every time I get "Cate?" Hardly Cate Blanchett's house is it!

I have a friend whose name is pronounced an unconventional way. I say it the way she says it. Every time I bring up this friend he corrects the pronunciation to the "right" one. Sometimes he talks about how phonetically the way she pronounces it doesn't make any sense.

We have yet another delivery coming along next week. I said it's scheduled to arrive at around 1. He says I need to specify if it's 1pm if it's an afternoon delivery because "who knows". Confused

Every discussion basically devolves into an argument about semantics, it's boring.

YABU — This would not bother me.
YANBU — I couldn't date someone this pedantic.

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 23/08/2023 15:07

He may well have some ND - and the fact that he had no friends and was "too smart" would bear this out - but the issue here is that he's not willing to even attempt to see things from anyone else's perspective, in this case, the person he's supposed to love. DS has a friend a bit like this. Every person I know assumes he is ND, but his mother assures me that no doctor, teacher or person in a position to know about this stuff has ever suggested that he should be assessed. The fact that he's now avoiding school, can't manage to hold down a conversation with any adults, behaves in ways that are completely inappropriate etc seems to have completely passed her by. She also, incidentally, thinks that the problem is that their DS is "too smart" for normal school and normal children......

I couldn't live like this. BIL is a pendant, but in a normal way not a controlling way, and none of us understand how my sister doesn't stab him in the throat.

CurlewKate · 23/08/2023 15:10

That's not pedantic. That's rude.

gannett · 23/08/2023 15:11

I have pedantic tendencies but the need to constantly pick holes is a horrible trait. And despite being so up-himself about being "right" his inability to recognise that language is malleable, names are personal and semantics evolve with time and location makes him wrong, and quite stupid.

I could not last more than a couple of dates with a man who corrected me all the time. Which leads me to my number one question - how, OP, did you end up getting MARRIED to this tedious, narrow-minded person? I cannot believe he disguised this all through your dating period!

gannett · 23/08/2023 15:12

gannett · 23/08/2023 15:11

I have pedantic tendencies but the need to constantly pick holes is a horrible trait. And despite being so up-himself about being "right" his inability to recognise that language is malleable, names are personal and semantics evolve with time and location makes him wrong, and quite stupid.

I could not last more than a couple of dates with a man who corrected me all the time. Which leads me to my number one question - how, OP, did you end up getting MARRIED to this tedious, narrow-minded person? I cannot believe he disguised this all through your dating period!

(Ignore me, I misread - you're not married to him! Thankfully. Don't marry him!)

CurlewKate · 23/08/2023 15:13

My favourite bit of pedantry- I was having a shouting match with my 11 year old. "That's not what
I meant!" I yelled "Well, that's what I inferred" he yelled back. Never have I been so proud!

HamSandwichKiller · 23/08/2023 15:18

He may be a pedant but he's also using it as a stick to beat you with. Tell him how utterly tiresome he is. Every time.

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 23/08/2023 15:22

Crikey- I thought I was pedantic, but your partner takes it to a whole new level! I get pedantic about things like a song being used in a show when the time period is wrong - for example in Back in Time for Christmas (yes, I know it was ages ago, but...) they played a bit from A Winter's Tale by David Essex but they played it during the 1970s Christmas segment- it was an 80s song. Still annoys me to this day!!). Correcting the way your friend has chosen to pronounce her own name is just wrong. Even if it is incorrect, he should have better manners than to think he knows better.

AliceOlive · 23/08/2023 15:27

Maybe just have him join an internet forum where he can get his need for being exact met without annoying people in real life.
:)

ZorbaTheHoarder · 23/08/2023 15:34

@ArcticPurple Ask him whether he would prefer to be right all the time or for his relationship with you to continue.

If you don't lay it on the line with him, it's only going to get worse...

yellowsmileyface · 23/08/2023 15:42

I couldn't put up with this. If I were you I'd just refuse to play along.

For example:

"I'm picking the gray one."
"?"
"I said I'm picking the gray one."

"I'm going to see Cate later."
"Cate?"
"Yes, Cate."

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2023 15:55

I'd be tempted to outpedant the pedant. E.g if picked up on 'gray', send him links to the etymological discussions, proving both 'grey' and 'gray' are acceptable alternative spellings in anglophone countries, just one is commoner than the other in different areas.

CurlewKate · 23/08/2023 16:47

@Mmhmmn "This. I suspect you already know you'll feel 80% lighter without him."

I think you'll find that's 79.52% lighter....

LubaLuca · 23/08/2023 17:18

Fucking hell, I married one. I wouldn't recommend it. It becomes tiresome very quickly and wears away at your confidence to join in everyday conversation.

Original poster
ArcticPurple · 23/08/2023 20:49

gannett · 23/08/2023 15:11

I have pedantic tendencies but the need to constantly pick holes is a horrible trait. And despite being so up-himself about being "right" his inability to recognise that language is malleable, names are personal and semantics evolve with time and location makes him wrong, and quite stupid.

I could not last more than a couple of dates with a man who corrected me all the time. Which leads me to my number one question - how, OP, did you end up getting MARRIED to this tedious, narrow-minded person? I cannot believe he disguised this all through your dating period!

I used to brush it off as a quirk. I remember he once said it was “just facts, nothing personal, I don’t mind being corrected” and it wasn’t malicious — at the time he genuinely seemed to be bothered when something was “wrong” so I let it slide. Over the years it’s just got worse and worse and it’s now grating on me.

OP posts:
Brightredtulips · 23/08/2023 20:51

I couldn't live with that. My confidence would dive. He actually sounds autistic.

808KateO · 23/08/2023 20:54

No, they drive me up the wall. No one likes a smart arse, as they say.

neverenoughplants · 23/08/2023 21:03

Brightredtulips · 23/08/2023 20:51

I couldn't live with that. My confidence would dive. He actually sounds autistic.

I was thinking the same thing. I once dated a guy who was exactly like this - it made having any conversation a minefield, because I always knew he'd find something to correct or pick on in what I was saying. It drove me mad, but it also just made me feel really unhappy, because I knew that his need to correct or nitpick would always come first (in his mind). He could never just sit and listen, sympathise, connect emotionally. I felt lonely in that relationship because I felt like he couldn't recognise when it was time to put the pedantry aside and have a normal conversation.

But anyway, yes I wonder if he may be on the autistic spectrum. My ex was. He was very clever, but as well as being pedantic and quite literal in his thinking, he didn't deal well with emotional concepts (or emotional needs).

I'm not sure if knowing or suspecting that would actually help, though! For me it helped me understand why he behaved that way, but didn't help me feel less lonely or disconnected.

Does your partner understand you emotionally? If you need to vent about something, will he listen? Is he a kind person, and able to demonstrate that kindness in a way that feels kind and loving to you?

Original poster
ArcticPurple · 23/08/2023 21:27

Does your partner understand you emotionally? If you need to vent about something, will he listen? Is he a kind person, and able to demonstrate that kindness in a way that feels kind and loving to you?

He's a kind person in general but emotionally I'd describe him as being a bit emotionally immature. It's an extension of "it's just facts, nothing personal". Like in the e.g. where I say I don't like to constantly be corrected. What I get in return is "why would you not want to learn" or "why would you not want to communicate more effectively" or "just because that's the way she pronounces her name doesn't make it phonetically right".

He complains that everyone is too emotional or wants to "stay stupid" for not being receptive to corrections but then he's the one that starts sulking when I ignore his corrections!

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 23/08/2023 21:29

See this rigidity would drive me insane

It's his way or else. Everyone else is crazy/stupid/imbeciles not worthy of his time.

That's not a good mindset. Well not if you want to maintain any sort of friendships/relationship

PedantScorner · 23/08/2023 21:29

Your DP isn't a pedant, he's an arse

FictionalCharacter · 23/08/2023 21:30

What I get in return is "why would you not want to learn" or "why would you not want to communicate more effectively"

That is shockingly arrogant and condescending. And he sulks when you dodon’t want the benefit of his superior wisdom. Imagine how much worse he’ll
be when he’s older and grumpier.

Original poster
ArcticPurple · 23/08/2023 21:31

FictionalCharacter · 23/08/2023 21:30

What I get in return is "why would you not want to learn" or "why would you not want to communicate more effectively"

That is shockingly arrogant and condescending. And he sulks when you dodon’t want the benefit of his superior wisdom. Imagine how much worse he’ll
be when he’s older and grumpier.

It seems like we're at the older and grumpier stage already. Pre-covid he was like this but not this bad (maybe it's me wearing rose-tinted glasses?). He got exponentially worse after the covid days and here's where we're at now!

OP posts:
Sosotiredineedsleep · 23/08/2023 21:38

He would drive loopy! But I guess we all have our quirks. My DH's quirks are that a) he tells long boring stories in monotone. b) he faffs about before leaving the house! He's got a lot better on b)! My quirks are too numerous to mention!

I live with my DHs quirks cos I don't mind them really. They grate every now and again, but overall he's wonderful and they r minor. I assume he puts up with my quirks.

I've met some men recently and wonder how the hec their partners could put up with their particular quirks - one guy a bit like my DH boring stories but amplified 20 fold - zero social skills! I like him but couldn't live with him!

I guess you have to weigh up what you can live with. And if the rest outweighs this.

Adelstrop · 23/08/2023 21:43

It bugs me when one of my friends says ‘pacifically’ instead of ‘specifically’, and ‘I should of’ instead of ‘I should have’. That’s my problem and definitely not worth commenting on. I know what they mean. Your partner knows what you mean and is just rude. Think of what a lifetime of these comments will do to you before you go much further!

Jackienory · 23/08/2023 21:50

Read that as : would you marry a “peasant” 🤭