Adult Children | Mumsnet

RaquelCC · 2023-08-22T17:54:58+00:00

I wish someone would invent a word for them. My daughter is currently 'ghosting' me. Despite my best efforts she is refusing to communicate with me and I really can't see it changing for the foreseeable future. There have been attachment issues since she was a little girl. My dilemma is as it's her 35th birthday in a few weeks time do I carry on as normal and send a card and gift or just a card or a card and token gesture small gift like a smelly candle. Would appreciate your advice please.

Anothernamethesamegame · 22/08/2023 18:57

I think the reason why she has cut contact with you is probably very important here. It seems like she doesn’t want to communicate with you, so I’d suggest respecting that, or if you do feel you need to recognise her birthday somehow I would do it in a very low key way (just a card saying thinking of you with no pressure or expectations).

Pollyputhekettleon · 22/08/2023 19:09

You're not giving any information.

Original poster

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:15

Least said soonest mended...

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LindorDoubleChoc · 22/08/2023 19:16

Why is she ghosting you? Has she said?

OhComeOnFFS · 22/08/2023 19:17

I agree it depends on why she's ghosting you. It's horrible when someone does that so I do sympathise with you but it does depend on what happened. There are tons of mums who are ghosted because they said there aren't 100 sexes, for instance - I would then send a gift and a card and act as normal as possible. There are others where the adult child has been utterly betrayed by her mum - in that case I'd write a card with a sincere message in it.

OhComeOnFFS · 22/08/2023 19:18

Least said, soonest mended refers to an argument, doesn't it? The less you say the sooner everyone will get over it. It doesn't refer to a forum!

Original poster

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:19

No, she has literally stopped communicating in any way that I have tried. Apart from turning up on her doorstep, which I wouldn't do I am at a loss as to how to try to fix it.

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Original poster

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:21

I can't be 'normal' if there isn't two way communication. I have accepted her decision not to communicate or interact with me just not sure what to do about her birthday.

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Pollyputhekettleon · 22/08/2023 19:21

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:19

No, she has literally stopped communicating in any way that I have tried. Apart from turning up on her doorstep, which I wouldn't do I am at a loss as to how to try to fix it.

If you communicate with her the way you have (or haven't...) with the rest of us on this thread then fixing that is what you need to do.

TammyJones · 22/08/2023 19:23

Sometimes you can't.
The only thing you can do is respect her and give her space.

Sparklesocks · 22/08/2023 19:23

Agreed context is key - is she justified in being angry at you or is she overreacting? Depends on how you fell out.

Original poster

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:24

TammyJones · 22/08/2023 19:23

Sometimes you can't.
The only thing you can do is respect her and give her space.

Thank you Tammy I have done but what do I do about her birthday?

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Maryjaneslastdance · 22/08/2023 19:25

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:19

No, she has literally stopped communicating in any way that I have tried. Apart from turning up on her doorstep, which I wouldn't do I am at a loss as to how to try to fix it.

Can you think of any possible reasons why she would want to stop communicating with you?

Original poster

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:25

Sparklesocks · 22/08/2023 19:23

Agreed context is key - is she justified in being angry at you or is she overreacting? Depends on how you fell out.

Thank you Sparkle it would take an age to unravel it and I feel despite my best efforts nothing works.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2023 19:26

You say there are attachment issues dating back to her early childhood so it’s not a new thing? If she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to hear from you then I wouldn’t send her anything for her birthday. She presumably knows where you are if she changes her mind. It sounds difficult for everyone. When did you last speak to her?

Original poster

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:27

Maryjaneslastdance · 22/08/2023 19:25

Can you think of any possible reasons why she would want to stop communicating with you?

Show quote history

It's an historical issue but she won't discuss it with me. I'm trying to find a way forward rather than go over old ground.

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Original poster

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:28

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2023 19:26

You say there are attachment issues dating back to her early childhood so it’s not a new thing? If she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to hear from you then I wouldn’t send her anything for her birthday. She presumably knows where you are if she changes her mind. It sounds difficult for everyone. When did you last speak to her?

I stopped messaging her about 6 weeks ago but haven't seen her for 6 months.

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LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/08/2023 19:30

If she was a friend or other relative I would offer different advice, but given she is your child I would send a card and a nice gift as you would have done in the past.

I also don’t think there is anything wrong (or not wholly wrong) in turning up on her doorstep, if you pick your time carefully.

I have 2 adult (young) daughters. I surely would not have them disappear from my life without being very proactive and exploring all options to retain a relationship.

TammyJones · 22/08/2023 19:30

I know many mums in this position.
In a couple of cases I know the daughters too.
In both cases the mums are saying the same thing- 'I just don't know what I've done wrong'
If you talk to the daughters they can give you, a very justifiable, laundry list, of all the things they done wrong lol.
It completely mystifies me how these 2 mother lack such simple self awareness.
Maybe that's the entire problem.

CommonVetch · 22/08/2023 19:31

You need to be guided by her, 100%, all year round. If she doesn't want contact, it's unlikely that will change on her birthday or other holidays for that matter. My adult DD has gone low contact with me, for complex reasons, and the only reason why she isn't no contact is because the relationship between us exists on her terms alone. I have to respect that.

TammyJones · 22/08/2023 19:31

@RaquelCC

TammyJones
Sometimes you can't.
The only thing you can do is respect her and give her space.

Thank you Tammy I have done but what do I do about her birthday?

^^^^

Original poster

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:33

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/08/2023 19:30

If she was a friend or other relative I would offer different advice, but given she is your child I would send a card and a nice gift as you would have done in the past.

I also don’t think there is anything wrong (or not wholly wrong) in turning up on her doorstep, if you pick your time carefully.

I have 2 adult (young) daughters. I surely would not have them disappear from my life without being very proactive and exploring all options to retain a relationship.

I feel the same but will have to wait for her to make her way back rather than me trying to re-open communication with her I think...

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WhereIsThisPlace · 22/08/2023 19:34

TammyJones · 22/08/2023 19:30

I know many mums in this position.
In a couple of cases I know the daughters too.
In both cases the mums are saying the same thing- 'I just don't know what I've done wrong'
If you talk to the daughters they can give you, a very justifiable, laundry list, of all the things they done wrong lol.
It completely mystifies me how these 2 mother lack such simple self awareness.
Maybe that's the entire problem.

I was going to say something very similar to this. I witness it within my own family.

Purpleraiin · 22/08/2023 19:35

Honestly I wouldn't bother. My sister has done this to my mum as well. Mum continued to send presents/cards for birthdays and Xmas for her, her partner and her children and all my sister did was slate the gifts, be unappreciative and be cheeky enough to moan she never spent enough (she'd actually spent a fortune!!) When my mum finally decided to give up and stop, my sister then slated her for not bothering.

I think sometimes you just have to accept that whatever way you go it likely won't be a win for you. I'd send a card and leave it at that.

Original poster

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:35

TammyJones · 22/08/2023 19:30

I know many mums in this position.
In a couple of cases I know the daughters too.
In both cases the mums are saying the same thing- 'I just don't know what I've done wrong'
If you talk to the daughters they can give you, a very justifiable, laundry list, of all the things they done wrong lol.
It completely mystifies me how these 2 mother lack such simple self awareness.
Maybe that's the entire problem.

May I ask if the daughters told the mothers this list though? I would love to have a conversation with her to try and put right what has obviously gone wrong. I can't if she won't communicate with me.

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