Page 5 | Adult Children

RaquelCC · 2023-08-22T17:54:58+00:00

I wish someone would invent a word for them. My daughter is currently 'ghosting' me. Despite my best efforts she is refusing to communicate with me and I really can't see it changing for the foreseeable future. There have been attachment issues since she was a little girl. My dilemma is as it's her 35th birthday in a few weeks time do I carry on as normal and send a card and gift or just a card or a card and token gesture small gift like a smelly candle. Would appreciate your advice please.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 23/08/2023 06:37

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/08/2023 00:38

Adult children are ghosting their parents all over the place at the moment. On this board people are telling other people to go no contact and quite often the other person might be a bit irritating but hasn't really done much at all to warrant that.

I think I would send a card and write in it something like "hello, I've been thinking about you so much lately. I really hope you have a good birthday and spend some time with people you love. I am so sorry you feel that you can't talk to me at the moment, and I hope that sometime in the future you will feel that you can, whether that's face-to-face, with a counsellor or just in a message. I'm always thinking of you and I love you."

This is a great template for a message you could put in a card!

redskytwonight · 23/08/2023 07:31

girlfriend44 · 22/08/2023 21:08

Do daughters ever do anything wrong?

No one is perfect.

People are quick to estranged today.

How would they feel.if their mums died?

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I really hate this "how would you feel if they died?" line being pulled out. It's always from someone who is treating (quite like some parents) the reason for NC/LC as some minor disagreement that's got out of hand and probably has a great relationship with their own parent(s).

People (in general) do not go NC or LC for no reason. They do it after years of agonising and long unresolved situations because they've had enough.
If my mum died I would feel sad for the relationship we never had, which is mostly on her as she refused to acknowledge her past behaviours. But I'd mostly feel relieved. Hard to feel distressed about losing someone you might still love but don't really like.

Sheranovermytoes · 23/08/2023 07:44

Sounds hard OP but unless you give some context it's hard for anyone to help. Sometimes people just drift apart but it sounds like something has actually happened to cause it, either with you, her or both. I really don't think the birthday is the only issue. If she were my daughter I'd send a card and something small so she knows you are still there for her. If it is that she sees that you or something you have caused is traumatic to her (not saying that is the case) then it could be quite triggering to get a card etc. Only you know.

GardeningIdiot · 23/08/2023 08:34

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/08/2023 00:38

Adult children are ghosting their parents all over the place at the moment. On this board people are telling other people to go no contact and quite often the other person might be a bit irritating but hasn't really done much at all to warrant that.

I think I would send a card and write in it something like "hello, I've been thinking about you so much lately. I really hope you have a good birthday and spend some time with people you love. I am so sorry you feel that you can't talk to me at the moment, and I hope that sometime in the future you will feel that you can, whether that's face-to-face, with a counsellor or just in a message. I'm always thinking of you and I love you."

A birthday isn't the time to say all that. Could be said at another time.

I haven't seen anyone be advised to go NC with a "slightly annoying" relative.

GardeningIdiot · 23/08/2023 08:34

Sorry, "bit irritating"

user1492757084 · 23/08/2023 09:18

Send a sweet card - not too mushy and a gift card at a coffee and cake shop or flowers or something she can share with a friend.
That would be nice. She will either like it or not and you might never know.
Is there any chance that your daughter has an addiction or illness or toxic partner that prevents her from contacting you?
Is she still safe and living where you think she is?

I could never not see my daughter for six months.

Can you chance hand delivering her some flowers and a card if you are sure there is no terrible history of abuse or neglect?
If you do - you have to be prepared for rejection or the shock of seeing an unhealthy person.

lavendersbluedillydilly12 · 23/08/2023 09:34

@Festivfrenzy it's complicated - it started with my mother refusing to talk to me for three weeks after a row about my son. Then it turned out my SIL had made a report to SS about us being religious extremists. So I had to explain why being a Catholic doesn't make you a terrorist. SS came and went and nothing came of it but in that time my parents thought they couldn't take sides. Our lawyer said there was so much malice and fiction in the report that the only safe thing is NC. My parents are quite ordinary and live in an ordinary house and have an ordinary income. My SIL is a very rich barrister who just wanted to get rid of the poor grubby relatives. I feel a bit sorry for my mother because she's been so thrilled to be part of the glitterati set and I think that's why she wouldn't take sides against my SIL. But my SIL has got what she wanted.

Dolores87 · 23/08/2023 09:39

I would send a thoughtful card.

It reaches out to say you still want a relationship when she feels ready but isn't invasive.

Theborder · 23/08/2023 09:45

@redskytwonight

It is a totally ridiculous statement isn’t it that people love to say. How would you feel if your mother died?

When my Nan died my mother felt nothing but …… relief. Sheer relief.

Ponoka7 · 23/08/2023 10:01

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/08/2023 00:38

Adult children are ghosting their parents all over the place at the moment. On this board people are telling other people to go no contact and quite often the other person might be a bit irritating but hasn't really done much at all to warrant that.

I think I would send a card and write in it something like "hello, I've been thinking about you so much lately. I really hope you have a good birthday and spend some time with people you love. I am so sorry you feel that you can't talk to me at the moment, and I hope that sometime in the future you will feel that you can, whether that's face-to-face, with a counsellor or just in a message. I'm always thinking of you and I love you."

If you send that leave out the "I am so sorry you feel that you can't talk to me at the moment", that is akin to when you insult someone then say "sorry you feel" rather than" I'm sorry that I upset you ". Give a card with a nice, thinking of you, message and leave it at that.

StopStartStop · 23/08/2023 12:15

Send a card with a simple message eg 'Love you, Mum xxx'
No other tat.

Mother87 · 23/08/2023 15:49

I would still be sending a card & a gift - only my opinion of course, but I would still carry on "mothering" in some small way...
My DD & I had a few challenging years, where we clashed (there were issues from childhood, I agreed/she & I were working through things, but it was often very stormy) - we went low-contact a few times for a few weeks, even though she always knew I was 5 minutes away & "ready" to help with anything. But, yes, during these times, I still left gifts & cards during significant events. Not saying I was right, but I knew a lot of her/our interractions were fuelled by anger/guilt/confusion & hoped that we'd overcome things

Freshair1 · 23/08/2023 16:22

Why on earth would you write 'so sorry you feel you can't talk to me...' that's self centred in the extreme. Suggesting a counsellor etc etc would have me binning the card. Sometimes lines are crossed and life is too short to entertain relationships that don't enhance our lives.

dottypotter · 23/08/2023 16:34

redskytwonight · 23/08/2023 07:31

I really hate this "how would you feel if they died?" line being pulled out. It's always from someone who is treating (quite like some parents) the reason for NC/LC as some minor disagreement that's got out of hand and probably has a great relationship with their own parent(s).

People (in general) do not go NC or LC for no reason. They do it after years of agonising and long unresolved situations because they've had enough.
If my mum died I would feel sad for the relationship we never had, which is mostly on her as she refused to acknowledge her past behaviours. But I'd mostly feel relieved. Hard to feel distressed about losing someone you might still love but don't really like.

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It dosent have to be serious for people to go no contact today your wrong.

HarrietStyles · 23/08/2023 17:12

If she has clearly told you that she does not want contact going forwards, then do not send anything. If she hasn’t, then I would send her a card saying that you are thinking of her on her special day and maybe a small thoughtful gift you know she would like. And then just give her space until she is ready.

redskytwonight · 23/08/2023 17:14

dottypotter · 23/08/2023 16:34

It dosent have to be serious for people to go no contact today your wrong.

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People tend not to go no contact with others they like and get on with. And the parent/child bond is such that it generally requires an even higher bar.

So something has happened in the relationship to cause a rift.
This is unlikely to be something like borrowing someone's jumper without asking them.

Please feel free to explain why you think otherwise? If you're the one at the end of the no contact, believe that you haven't understood your child's issues, not that they don't have them.