Adult Children

[RaquelCC]

I wish someone would invent a word for them. My daughter is currently 'ghosting' me. Despite my best efforts she is refusing to communicate with me and I really can't see it changing for the foreseeable future. There have been attachment issues since she was a little girl. My dilemma is as it's her 35th birthday in a few weeks time do I carry on as normal and send a card and gift or just a card or a card and token gesture small gift like a smelly candle. Would appreciate your advice please.

Card and a bunch of flowers with a non committal message like "happy birthday, thinking of you, love Mum". Give with no expectations of contact or for any other reason than it's her birthday and go about your day.

Given the way you have posted in here in would suggest speaking to a therapist and airing all your angst out and find out the root of the problem. It may be an apology is needed from you, it may be an apology is too late and an acknowledgement from you of your part in all this may go a long way. By acknowledgement I mean "I screwed up here and I'm sorry" with not expectations back, not "I screwed up here, but you were a brat so I just reacted to it we all good now?".

I would send the card. Short sweet. Happy birthday. Wishing you health happiness etc. Love mum. And leave it at that.

A couple of people have mentioned this but it hasn't been answered yet as far as I can see - has she asked you not to contact her?

I'll bet my house it's not old ground for her. You saying that makes me wonder if you've been dismissive over things that have really, really wounded her. People don't tend to go NC with their mothers unless they feel that's their only option for peace and recovery.

:(

Gullyhole, I'm sorry to hear this :(

Can I ask what your mum did wrong? Mr DB went NC with my mum a few years ago and I fully fully understand his reasons.

However, on the flip.side, I have 2 DC and the thought of them cutting me off one day rips at my heart. I couldn't handle it. I adore them. I want to know how to make sure that never happens

💐

Like previous ops, I know a couple of estranged adult children. They very much have reasons for no contact but, if those reasons are referred to when talking to the parents, they dismiss them as " not serious issues", "old ground that has been gone over endlessly" etc.
A card saying you apologise for any hurt she may feel seems appropriate.

op what is it about the birthday that makes you want to send something? What is your intention/end goal?

Unless she's asked for no contact, send her a card.

I personally wouldn't send a present. There is too much possibility you will get it horribly wrong and just end up annoying her further.

I am low contact with my parents. They don't want to go over things that have happened in the past they just want to move forward.

The trouble is we can only move forward by them acknowledging things that happened in the past and not brushing them under the carpet.

Sounds like OP may be in a similar conundrum.

Just send a card.

From what you have said, there's been a historical issue that has happened and you want to find a way to move forward that doesn't involve going over old ground.

Perhaps-as others have said, you need to go over the old ground for her sake and acknowledge how she feels and work through it with her? Just because you're ready to move forward doesn't mean that she is.

Typically, I don't think adult children simply go low or no contact with their parents out of the blue or for no good reason. Possibly sometimes, but rarely. So, I think you need to think about and be open to discussing with her the reasons why on her terms.

As for her birthday-I think the worst thing you can do is not acknowledge it with a card. I think that would suggest to her that you don't care about her enough to even send a card.

I'd send a card, wishing her a happy birthday and let her know you're thinking of her, but don't put any pressure on her. I wouldn't get a gift for her as it could backfire. A card will do and let her know you're thinking of her.

Kidult is the best word I've come across

I would send a card with simple message and gift. And then just send the occasional text without any expectation of a reply, nothing passive aggressive, with a simple ‘thinking of you, hope you’re well’.

A couple of my DHs adult DCs suddenly decided to stop contacting him. This was after an emotional family funeral and a lot of hurtful accusations were flung at him that took him completely by surprise and he just didn’t know how to respond. I encouraged him to keep sending simple texts every few weeks, occasional voicemails and simple birthday and Xmas presents (usually something homemade). The intention was to demonstrate that he hadn’t given up on them.

After a couple of years there was the occasional text reply and now they even call him to wish him happy birthday or Christmas. It’s not perfect but it is improving slowly. Hopefully this will continue and they will establish more regular contact. He also hopes that one day he’ll be able to have a conversation about where he went wrong. He hasn’t asked them as he thinks it should be something to address on his DCs terms and timescale.

Do daughters ever do anything wrong?

No one is perfect.

People are quick to estranged today.

How would they feel.if their mums died?

@girlfriend44 I work with people who have become estranged from their parents and it is never a decision anyone enters into lightly. Most times there’s been physical / sexual /
severe psychological abuse, neglect, addiction, religious extremism. Compulsive lying, involving children in things they shouldn’t be involved in, using children as weapons against other family members. Inciting children to abuse one another.

I’ve never seen anyone just estrange themselves on a whim.

@girlfriend44 and when their estranged relatives die, yes, their feelings are very mixed, but the prevailing sense is one of relief from the shame and terror and trappedness they felt when the relative was alive.

Im your daughters age. It is rare to completely ghost. Even if your mothers a pain in the arse most people do still want contact. I am afraid you should do nothing and respect her decision. She clearly feels better currently having zero comms with you and I guess she has her reasons. Most adults really don’t want to cut contact with their mother without a very good reason.

Definitely send her a card x If you want to put a token gift in then so, but the most important thing is you send the card. If you don't it's another black mark against you ♥️

@Vergeofbreakdown23

That would piss me off even more tbh if I wasn’t speaking to my mum. It would feel like she was over riding my wishes and it would be feel quite manipulative.

I would feel this way too.

@girlfriend44

Do daughters ever do anything wrong?

No one is perfect.

People are quick to estranged today.

How would they feel.if their mums died?

^^^^

I actually asked this once.
Answers varied from - sad - to nothing, to relieved,

I lost my mum in my very early twenties, and as a daughter I certainly made mistakes.

I agree people are quick to estrange

Though for others it takes years ...

And sometimes it is certainly for the best. Some people struggle so much with boundaries no contact is blessed relief.

You only have go on the stately home thread to see that.

Personally if I fell out with anyone- they'd know why.

Don’t give up. Definitely send her a card/gift and apologise-even if you don’t know what you’ve done wrong, though I expect you may have an inkling.

Thank you all for your advice, I have read them all and appreciate the suggestions. I purposely didn't put a lot of detail for a number of reasons but trying to make sure that all is not lost. The 'least said soonest mended was a reference to the amount of content in my posts. Like I said it goes back to when she was a little girl and when she was in her twenties I did apologise for any mistakes that I had made which had affected and hurt her. I had a wonderful mother and they are our main role models aren't they? I felt sad when one or two members seem to think I have lost her for ever. I hope not. I have suggested for us to go for counselling - for her to choose a counsellor and I would pay but nothing came of it unfortunately. She hasn't asked me not to contact her, just doesn't reply to any of my messages. I feel that as she is an adult too then she should tell me what I have done which makes her want to have zero contact with me. I maybe hadn't explained myself very well, I would quite happy go over old ground and do whatever it takes for us to be in each others' lives again but have to be realistic and recognise that this may never happen now.
This paragraph really scared me
''Most times there’s been physical / sexual /
severe psychological abuse, neglect, addiction, religious extremism. Compulsive lying, involving children in things they shouldn’t be involved in, using children as weapons against other family members. Inciting children to abuse one another. '' and I hope hand on my heart that she does not feel that she/we have been involved in any of these practices.
I really do feel that I still can't do right for doing wrong but if I don't send a card or gift it's another nail in the coffin and I feel my daughter is much too precious not to carry on trying.
Thank you again for your pearls of wisdom, wish me luck!!

I cannot imagine a situation where I would give up on my relationship with my dc.

So I would send a card with a message like, "Thinking you on your birthday, love mum".

I am extremely low contact with my mother. I don’t like her, I think she’s selfish, self centred and always put herself first. I have zero interest in discussing it with her because I don’t care enough about her to bother improving the relationship. She has zero self awareness and thinks she’s mother of the century. I imagine when she dies I’ll just feel a weight off my shoulders