Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult Children

116 replies

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 18:54

I wish someone would invent a word for them. My daughter is currently 'ghosting' me. Despite my best efforts she is refusing to communicate with me and I really can't see it changing for the foreseeable future. There have been attachment issues since she was a little girl. My dilemma is as it's her 35th birthday in a few weeks time do I carry on as normal and send a card and gift or just a card or a card and token gesture small gift like a smelly candle. Would appreciate your advice please.

OP posts:
jeanne16 · 22/08/2023 19:35

Send her a gift and a card then you will know you have tried your best.

TammyJones · 22/08/2023 19:35

TammyJones
Sometimes you can't.
The only thing you can do is respect her and give her space.

Thank you Tammy I have done but what do I do about her birthday?

^^^
Sorry posted too soon.
Personally I would do nothing.
You may just get it back - 'returned to sender'
The only thing you could do is send a simple text saying ....
'Here if you need me x'
And leave it there (and then go live your best life)
Totally feel for you

CrazyFrogDingDing · 22/08/2023 19:36

I would send her a card with a small amount of money in it, say £20 with a message saying how loved and missed she is.
That way you're keeping the lines of communication open without putting pressure on her.

Freshair1 · 22/08/2023 19:37

How loved and missed she is. Talk about pressure. That would end up in the bin.

Aworldofmyown · 22/08/2023 19:37

Unless she has said 'do not contact me" I would send her a card and gift you know she would like. Then leave it at that.
Keep contact, be available, don't expect anything.

Original poster
RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:42

Thank you for your help and advice everyone. Much appreciated.

OP posts:
Hopingforagreatescape · 22/08/2023 19:43

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:27

It's an historical issue but she won't discuss it with me. I'm trying to find a way forward rather than go over old ground.

Show quote history

Are you possibly dismissing her issues by saying things like "it's in the past, let's move on" or "it's over now, let's not rake up old ground"... Thereby refusing to acknowledge the things she is obviously hurt by? Have you tried listening and then apologising? Or are you making excuses for whatever you did which has hurt her?

Regarding her birthday, you should send a card and a present as always.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 22/08/2023 19:47

I would send a card with £10 in it.

Hbh17 · 22/08/2023 19:50

Freshair1 · 22/08/2023 19:37

How loved and missed she is. Talk about pressure. That would end up in the bin.

Agreed. That puts unbearable pressure on someone who wants minimal contact, and would probably kill any relationship forever.

caramacyears · 22/08/2023 19:51

"The only thing you could do is send a simple text saying ....
'Here if you need me x'
And leave it there (and then go live your best life)
Totally feel for you"

Wise words @TammyJones I couldn't have put it better tbh

Maryjaneslastdance · 22/08/2023 19:53

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:27

It's an historical issue but she won't discuss it with me. I'm trying to find a way forward rather than go over old ground.

Show quote history

Going over old ground will be the only way to get to the root cause. She obviously feels strongly enough to cut contact with you over it.

Sounds like papering over cracks and trying to move forward isn't going to work

TomatoSandwiches · 22/08/2023 19:55

I would send a card with a small gift and ask if she would prefer to write to you about the issue instead.

Seashor · 22/08/2023 19:55

If you don’t make every effort that you can, you will loose her. There is no way she’ll find her way back to you. Don’t stop those texts, birthday presents, etc. My parents did and I never saw them again. I just felt that they weren’t bothered about me and their lack of contact proved me right.

ButteredToast9 · 22/08/2023 19:55

Without knowing the context of why she's fallen out with you it's hard to say, but if it were me I'd send a card/gift as normal anyway. She may not appreciate it but if you don't then it's just something else to potentially be held against you in the future.
Hope everything works out and you're both able to repair the relationship x

GardeningIdiot · 22/08/2023 19:57

Don't think you've responded to @Pollyputhekettleon's comment?

If you communicate with her the way you have (or haven't...) with the rest of us on this thread then fixing that is what you need to do.

You have said a bit more since that post, but nothing that explains the situation.

Except that you don't want to go over old ground. Does that mean you've ignore what's eating at her as it would make you uncomfortable to look at the past? If so, whatever you do about her birthday is probably not going to matter much.

dafttomtom · 22/08/2023 19:58

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:15

Least said soonest mended...

Nope.

Blondewithredlips · 22/08/2023 19:59

RaquelCC · 22/08/2023 19:15

Least said soonest mended...

This

webster1987 · 22/08/2023 20:03

I went no contact with my mum last year. I won't go into the details but it was after years of problems. Having my own child last year opened my eyes to it all as I can't ever imagine treating my DS how she has treated me. I blocked her so she was unable to contact me by phone and she lives far away to get to my house.

Despite me cutting contact, I have anticipated every year on my birthday and chrismtas that she might send a card. That she might recognise in said card why I'm hurt and why I've had to make that decision. For each of them, she hasn't sent anything. It hurts as it just confirms to me she never did care and will never see the harm she has done.

Although you've not given any context, I would send the card. But only if you are able to recognise potential mistakes you've made and apologise for them. A child doesn't generally cut contact with their parent without it being a last resort.

ABeesWings · 22/08/2023 20:04

Seashor · 22/08/2023 19:55

If you don’t make every effort that you can, you will loose her. There is no way she’ll find her way back to you. Don’t stop those texts, birthday presents, etc. My parents did and I never saw them again. I just felt that they weren’t bothered about me and their lack of contact proved me right.

Totally agree. Same for me.
Send her kindness and she might come back to you eventually.

SpaceRaiders · 22/08/2023 20:05

@Hopingforagreatescape that’s exactly what I read from ops response.

You will need to go over old ground with the support of a professional if you have any hope of repairing this relationship.

There must be something you’re not seeing that has upset your daughter to the extent she’s gone refused contact with you. Do you have any family that you can talk to about it? Often having an unrelated third party gives insight that may not immediately be apparent.

TammyJones · 22/08/2023 20:09

@RaquelCC

May I ask if the daughters told the mothers this list though? I would love to have a conversation with her to try and put right what has obviously gone wrong. I can't if she won't communicate with me.

^^^^^
The first daughter ended up going to therapy. She'd been low contact for yeas anyway.
I think one of the things was her dm told her lies, about her dad (parents we're divorced)
In the end any questions were never going ti be answered truthfully but there was a lot of emotional back mail going on.
Her dm was very defensive and would play the martyr when challenged directly.
During therapy she realised, for her own sanity she would have to go no contact.
She's been no contact 4 years now.

The other daughter in her late 40's is still actually very, very low contact and getting lower.
One thing she has asked is that her mum not ring her after a certain time as she works.
Her mum completely takes no notice and rings up very late ( with random rubbish) - constantly..
and if dd try to put in boundaries- tears.
These relationships and not healthy and it's very sad to see , but sometimes it is best just to walk away.
Both ladies (daughters ) are both from divorced patents , really intelligent, very lovely and have a ton of friends - funny but neither have had children, are divorced and both high flyers ....

LightSpeeds · 22/08/2023 20:12

Send her a card. Given the current situation, you're probably not going to be able to do anything right in her eyes, but not sending anything will give more reason for criticism.

GardeningIdiot · 22/08/2023 20:17

I would love to have a conversation with her to try and put right what has obviously gone wrong.

Least said soonest mended...

These seem to contradict each other. Has she tried to talk to you before and been ignored/dismissed? And now won't put herself through that again? I'm guessing as you have explained so little.

mondaytosunday · 22/08/2023 20:17

@Itsnotrightbutitsok if my mother sent me £10 (or the £20 mentioned upthread) when we were not communicating I'd take that as how much she valued our relationship! It's what you give a ten year old and a kids party, not a grown adult.
OP I'd send her a card with a simple message saying you are there when she wants to talk. A gift isnt required.

gullyhole · 22/08/2023 20:23

I went NC with my family last year. I got a gift for my last birthday, but I've moved house since then so she won't be able to send any more. I don't appreciate her cards and gifts as they are always unsuitable and really serves to underline the fact that she has never known me as a person at all. For me I want to break the contact and not ashame to acknowledge that she exists, because for me, she doesn't.

You have lost your daughter already. She doesn't want any more to do with you, and she doesn't want your cards or gifts. Leave her in peace.

Swipe left for the next trending thread