Disappointed and hurt by brother's behaviour

[LifeIsBeautifulRainOrShine]

I'm a long-time reader on MN, but first time poster.
Brought myself to post here as I tried sleeping over it last night to see if I felt any better this morning, but it didn't work, I almost got no sleep, and I'm still feeling very wounded.
Basically, long story short, my husband and I had been looking forward for months now, to my little brother (29) and his girlfriend to come visit us. They would stop at our place from this coming Thursday, for the bank holiday weekend, and fly home on Tuesday.
All my family lives abroad, in my home country in Europe, and brother had planned and booked this trip since January. According to them, they had been looking forward to.
While over the course of the months I asked them, what are they interested in seeing, we can take you around etc etc, very little to no input at all was given, so I did lots of planning, found some nice sightseeing, booked transportation (brother offered to pay for car rental), planned for all the food, and last week I prepped the guest bedroom for them, washed all the sheets, started doing some big cleaning in the house, and got around £200 food shop in. I even went as far as planning evening by evening ‘theme’ nights in terms of food (very fundamental to hosting in my country haha). We don’t have guests often, and we really wanted them to have a great time.
Last Friday brother calls me up that he’s a bit pissed off that the airline moved their flight to London from early morning to later in the afternoon. I understand and can empathise with the fact he felt a bit ‘ripped off’, although it can happen with airlines these days. However, he still had 4 full days and 1/2 left that he could spend with us and explore around the South East.
He tried calling up the airline, but they wouldn’t offer compensation, as they still chose to fly out, just later on the same day.
On Saturday and Sunday we had two videocalls discussing the sightseeing etc, they still seemed very happy to come see us, although they now complained about the weather. I am from a country that is very warm in the Summer, I said, you guys know the weather in the UK is not as hot nor reliably warm in the Summer, but at least it’s not scalding, you won’t sweat, and we even got the rental car, if it rains at all we can always drive around more, go to castles/museums etc – I’m surprised the weather seemed that important now, considering they were mainly coming round to make memories with us, see our home (they hadn’t been before), and just spending time together – this is what they previously said.
Yesterday in the morning I spoke with my brother on how to get to and from the airport, what to do on the first couple of days etc. Around lunchtime he sends me a voice message saying that with the girlfriend they were considering getting a refund on the flight, and reschedule altogether for next year, but sister can you also cancel the car rental for us in the meantime? He was just on the phone line with the airline to see whether a full refund would be given if they didn’t fly. The airline confirmed they would, so brother followed up in the mid afternoon saying they cancelled. He said they were sorry not to come this time, but he’s already looking at next Spring/Summer, he asked, would that be a good time for us to host them?
I was speechless, and deeply hurt. I spoke with husband, he couldn’t believe it. All the effort invested, emotional, mental energies put in, and also we have a fully stocked fridge and freezer with lots of premium products we wouldn’t have otherwise got. It felt like a slap in the face, but the worst thing for me was that they didn’t apologise, not one word of apology.
All I could muster to say on the call with him was, wow that’s a bit last minute, we had been looking forward for so long, had got even your bedsheets all washed and ironed, all the food shop etc. I was literally joking the day before with him saying we got more drinks in for them than a bar. I said I was feeling very sorry they “had to change their plans”. Not much said from him, other than “ah, but we can visit you next year, it will be alright”.
My mom, who I had spoken with yesterday after this as well, was embarrassed and very disappointed by my brother’s and girlfriend’s behaviour, she called it ‘very selfish’. I agree with her, but wished I had said it in his face. Luckily my mom didn’t spare words when she spoke with him yesterday. At least he got a good telling-off from her.
Later in the evening, I called my mom up, and it comes out that my brother told her that the main reason why they cancelled was – that they could keep an extra couple of days for ‘themselves’ to roll over into 2024, so they could take a longer holiday overseas just the two of them. So, the flight being delayed was a ‘blessing’ for them. Which makes me question if they ever even cared to visit us in the first place.
Also, money was not an issue really – they had been on a few trips this year, this holiday would have cost them £500 in total for the two of them, so them getting all flustered about
I’m just feeling so deflated right now. Wounded and disappointed. Husband and I are flying home next month, and I feel sick at the prospect of seeing them two. I don’t even look forward to hosting them next year. I’m just feeling very low, rejected almost, like we weren't deserving of their time off.
AIBU for feeling this way?
I’m also disappointed with myself that I didn’t tell him to f* off tbh. Any suggestions, should I forgive and forget, or give them the benefit of the doubt and welcome them next year?

I think what they did was hugely inconsiderate, but forgiving and forgetting is the best thing unless you want to be estranged from your brother. I agree with the advice to try to plan less next time given that he’s a flake. That’s sensible self-preservation. However, I sort of disagree that you are being too dramatic or were silly to have done so much planning. If I had overseas family who were planning a rare visit to my home for 4-5 days, I would also plan a lot to try to make sure I was prepared to be a good host and to help them have fun. To me, that’s a way to be considerate to them.

Sorry for the length of my original post, I don't have the gift of conciseness.
I'll probably give them the benefit of the doubt and host them again, but do very minimal planning, like some of you have suggested. So I don't become too emotionally invested like a poster has rightly pointed out.

Yanbu at all. To go to all the effort you did and to have it basically shoved back in your face is out of order. Good on your mom for telling him off. If you do host him next year just don't go to that much effort as they don't seem thankful for what you did. And the fact he didn't even apologise would be the icing on the cake for me to give him a piece of my mind

You were obviously so excited to see him OP and just wanted it to be special. I get why you are so disappointed.
Next year, the minute they walk in the door, tell them not to take their coats off because you are all going food shopping. When you get back hand him the iron and get him to iron his own bed sheets and make the bed up, whilst explaining to him that you didn't want to be too prepared until he had actually bothered to show up.

Sorry OP but that sounds like way too much for a 4 day visit. Planning outings for months, planning all the food, what happens if they wanted a night out by themselves?

Small tip for next time: don't go out to do a food shop, do an online order for delivery for around the time they arrive. You can cancel it up to 11pm the night before.

I completely get that it's disappointing and insulting to you, but quite a lot of the time and effort you've put in hasn't been wasted: you've researched nice things to do locally, and you can still do those things, with or without him, over the next few years. That's a really useful investment of time and effort. And the spare room is now prepped for whenever you next have guests, which will happen sooner or later.

Btw, if you don't get all the money back on the car rental: he totally owes you for that, tell him so!

Next time, suggest they pick up whatever they want to eat on the way from the airport.

I don't think it was right of them to pull out at short notice like that when the flight was only moved from morning to afternoon. It means they weren't really that bothered about coming and that's hurtful.
But I do think you went OTT in the planning which has made the let down even worse. Your reaction is a bit dramatic to be honest.
Don't give them an answer on next year yet - give it time for the dust to settle. Tbh I probably would host them but would make far less effort - and not plan anything. They can plan when if they arrive. They can also book car hire. As for food - no need to fill the freezer so full just for a few days. So yes, the next time, don't bother as much.

However, you could make the best out of it now. I presume you have some days off work this weekend because you were planning to do stuff with them. You can go on some of the day trips you have planned but with just your DH (and kids if you have any). Eat the premium product foods and enjoy them (starting with stuff in the fridge obviously. If you have a whole pile of stuff that could go to waste invite some friends round to eat it and drink some of the booze you bought.
Fuck 'em and enjoy the weekend!

I totally understand being disappointed but I also think you went very overboard with all the planning that you did and I wonder if they felt a bit overwhelmed by it all. There was no need for you to do even half of those things.

I actually would be furious. Yes perhaps the planning was a bit ott, but the majority of Mn would be furious if a friend cancelled a lunch a few hours beforehand never mind a hard planned visit where someone has gone out of their way to accommodate. I don’t think making longterm decisions would be wise (such as telling them to bugger off next year) but I would tell your brother now that you feel hurt and like he’s taken the mick. That he should have never asked to get food in for a visit he evidently didn’t intend to keep, and that you’ve found him to be disappointingly rude and inconsiderate when you’d be looking forward to seeing him and his girlfriend. Shit happens, plans fall apart, but simply deciding he couldn’t be arsed now is so disrespectful.

yes, DH and I have decided to still do some bits from the planned itinerary this coming weekend! At least we'll get to enjoy and feel it wasn't all for nothing!

Ah yes, we certainly will :-). We even started eating the food last night, at least that won't be wasted for sure! 😂

So dramatic. No need (and not sure if you were asked?l for any of the things you did. Maybe apart from the food. So that's on you.

I have lived in a different country to my family at various times. I totally understand how you feel. I'd have been desperately disappointed too.

I totally understand where you’re coming from - and the PP saying you’re being dramatic clearly don’t live in a different country to their family. My family lives on the other side of the world, and if this happened I’d be devastated. I’m so sorry. I often think that my family who still live where I grew up don’t understand what it’s like to be so far away. I think I would have to explain why it made me so sad - but try not to get angry as that would just make me feel worse!

You sound like a lovely sister who has gone to a lot of effort only to have it all thrown back in your face. I completely understand why you are hurt.
I think the lesson to be learnt from this is to not go to so much effort next time. Only host them if it’s convenient for you on the dates they want, perhaps tell them to stay in a hotel so there is less pressure on you and reign in the effort next time. If they do stay with you don’t food shop until you know they are on the plane and take each day as it comes without planning each day in advance. If you are the type of person who likes planning - plan it on paper but don’t pay for or book anything until they arrive. You now know they could pull the rug, so prepare yourself for that.

yes, I suspect the same. Distance does greatly impact the feeling, considering we only see family once a year at best.

By the way, brother just wrote a message in the 'family' whatsapp chat saying "mom I don't understand why you told me off, calm down" and that he and the girlfriend didn't do anything wrong.

Out of this all I really care about was to get an apology from him, so we could all move on without sourness, but if he thinks nothing then I don't think I'm ever gonna get it.
It will be on me to just forgive and forget, and move on, without his apology. Oh well!

I'm 100% sure that if they had to pay for hotel/airbnb, they wouldn't bother with visiting us at all.

Yes, definitely I'll minimize my efforts next time, it's a shame though, as one poster put it, for us our efforts were to show them that we cared about them. Next time, I'm dead set I would do minimal planning = minimal hurt, in case their 'circumstances change' again.

I am an expat and live in a different country to my family. I can understand why you are disappointed because you were looking forward to seeing your brother and you had made preparations, but in all honesty , (sorry!) but I think you are being a bit over the top about it.

People have busy lives. It obviously suits them to come at a later time. He obviously wasn’t as invested in the visit as you are. He was being a little thoughtless perhaps. I don’t think it was necessary for your mother to get involved though and I wouldn’t carry the argument over to the next time you see him or he won’t want to come another time!

Just learn a lesson from this for future occasions. Keep everything relaxed. No need to plan every taxi, meal and expedition in advance. Don’t go to huge lengths to prepare their room. Just ensure it’s basically clean and hand them clean bed linen. All four of you can shop and prepare the meals together. Keep it relaxed and low key and enjoyable not a huge performance!

I so get your disappointment and hurt. You are not being unreasonable to feel that way at all. I also don't really think you were way OTT In wanting to give them a good time - but at the same time, the fact that you went to so much bother will be part of the reason, maybe most of it, why you are feeling so upset.

I'm glad your Mum gave him a good telling off. I would probably mostly leave this alone now, since she has told him. Although if it comes up, I would simply tell him how disappointed you were and not fall out with him about it.

I do wonder if they didn't want to be so 'organised' on every minute of the days, when they arrived, but were looking forward to being more chilled while they were with you? Sometimes a combination of things mean that reasons for doing something or not doing it change. A sort of pros and cons, eventually coming down on the cons side? Maybe that's way off here though. Just a thought and not a criticism

All the stuff you thought about doing and researched for when they were here, has not gone to waste if they come next year. But next time, you already have a list and just use it to make suggestions that they might want to do, once they have actually arrived.

As PP said, leave buying the food until much closer to the last minute. Order online if you can. Some of the drink you bought in will keep until next year hopefully, depending on what it is If it's only 4 or so days, you don't need mountains of the stuff. Plan on going out for Dinner on the day they arrive too

Glad you are going to enjoy some of the food you have bought in and are going to do some of the things you were planning on doing at the weekend.

He's obviously casual about it so I'd meet that energy and just keep plans as vague ideas should he actually turn up next year

I live abroad from my family so I understand how you feel but realistically they are seeing you next month so I am surprised they were coming up be honest.

No, I don't think so. They were so annoyed at the flight being changed to the afternoon as they wanted to maximise the day and see as much as possible even on the very first day - where normally most people don't plan much just after getting off the plane.
So, no, I don't think the itinerary was too much really.
But yes, we can definitely use some suggestions for next year.
On the food, I'll do that for sure and order in online so at least if they do it again and cancel last minute, I won't go out of pocket like this time.
You guys have all been very helpful, admittedly I still can't help feeling a bit deflated and sad. But feeling much better than yesterday. You all gave me some perspective. Maybe I can turn a negative into a positive, I'm definitely looking more forward to the weekend now😊.

Annoying but I'd try and get by 'deeply upset'.

I do think think it's outright cowardly to leave a voice note and not all though. Tell them to get an Airbnb next time.

I think he’s jolly lucky to have such a brilliant sister.