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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH’s friends

82 replies

NewNameND · 21/08/2023 23:07

DH and I bought our house with some help from our parents. We’ve also both worked since we were 19yrs old. DH’s friends who spent 3 years after university travelling and working hospitality/ cleaning/ fruit picking jobs on their travels, tells us how hard their lives are and how lucky we are to own a house and have parents who can give us money to buy a house. Whenever we bring up a house problem or say we’re saving money for something (to do with house maintenance) they say something like ‘errr you know we’re still renting’. One of them quit her job last year and lived off ‘pocket money’ from her parents for months. She likes to tell us it’s ‘not HOUSE money’ whatever that means. DP just goes with it. They’ve been friends for years. And he tells me we need to be more sensitive to their position!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2023 23:19

You can easily avoid discussing house problems and savings with these people, and pretty much everyone. No one’s remotely interested unless they specifically ask, why h they’re unlikely to do.

They resent your good fortune, you judge their choices. I’d see less of them.

Anothernamethesamegame · 21/08/2023 23:37

I’d just avoid talking about house related topics. They may feel you’re making a big deal about owning a house, when you know they don’t. I’m not saying you are doing that, just that their perspective on the situation is probably different to yours.

Plenty else to talk about.

TeaKitten · 21/08/2023 23:39

He has a point, they’re his/your friends and feel sensitive about their situation, you can easily fix it by not discussing your finances with them. Why do you need to tell them what you are saving for anyway?

Original poster
NewNameND · 21/08/2023 23:58

Because they ask what we’ve been doing, or if we decline any of the weekly takeaway nights they ask why. If they ask what we’ve been doing at the weekend, and we’ve spent the weekend stripping wallpaper or sorting the garage and found a leak, that triggers the ‘err we’re still renting’ comment.

and sometimes we don’t even bring it up. They start on the woes of renting and how they wish they could buy a house and we’re so lucky that we have money from our parents. One of them chooses to work part time because ‘there must be more to life’.

I don’t understand why we have to be sensitive about ‘their situation’. we both worked during and after university. We went straight into grad schemes, thinking about boring things like income and pensions and savings.

I get that I’m jealous that we haven’t had long periods of travel and travel infrequently now because of our jobs and I’m ok with that because of the balance.

why should we be sensitive to their situation when it’s their choice? They all come from well off families (parents are doctors, dentists, successful business owners). they’ve all travelled and lived off their parents money for years. they aren’t sensitive to our situation when telling us about their numerous holidays and time off. They have degrees that could get them £45k+ jobs in the private sector but choose not to.

OP posts:
NCIrishEnglish · 22/08/2023 00:15

How much help did you get?

MentholLoad · 22/08/2023 00:19

NCIrishEnglish · 22/08/2023 00:15

How much help did you get?

yes, I think this is important in deciding whether you ABU

ilovesooty · 22/08/2023 00:24

You made different choices. Just acknowledge that. However if you did receive significant help from your parents you did have a degree of fortune ( though I don't see why you would have given them that information in the first place).

truthhurts23 · 22/08/2023 00:29

we’re so lucky that we have money from our parents.

comments like this are considered jabs
they are jealous and not hiding it very well, sometimes you outgrow friends
I would keep my distance

CoffeePlease1 · 22/08/2023 06:14

Some people don't have mummy and daddy giving them a large amount towards a house deposit or money to go travelling. You're all privileged.

pasturesgreen · 22/08/2023 06:22

They're your DH's friends, I'd take the lead from him and cut back a bit on the conversations about the house. Hardly anyone genuinely wants to hear about other people's house problems anyway, it isn't such an interesting conversation!

SushiSuave · 22/08/2023 06:27

Lots of people work through university and enter grad schemes and still can't afford to buy a house because they didn't get given a deposit. Just stop talking about your house. I think UABU as you clearly feel you are more deserving of owning a house than them due to you life choices. Come on, how much were you given? Agree that has an impact on the situation. £5k - you're not so unreasonable. £20k - you are oblivious to your privilege.

WeWereInParis · 22/08/2023 06:32

Even if your parents had given you a million pounds, if they ask what you did that weekend and you mention stripping wallpaper and they get annoyed because they're still renting, that's not your problem.

I definitely wouldn't bring up house stuff myself, but I also wouldn't make up something to say if directly asked "what did you do on Saturday?"

RiverDulas · 22/08/2023 06:35

How old are you all? Have they only recently left uni?

I get where you are coming from though. You’ve worked, managed your money, cut out luxuries (takeaways etc), so you can buy and run a house, whilst they’re frittering away money on travel, only working part time etc, and living off hand out from parents.

Yes, you did get help from parents, but some are still being supported (pocket money) by parents.

Maybe next time they moan, turn the conversation around and ask what plans they are making to save for a deposit, get better jobs etc.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 22/08/2023 06:46

Even if they can all walk into these abundant £45k jobs, and are all in couples so a household income of £90k, so could theoretically get a mortgage of £360k which even in the SE buys you something, rates at the moment are awful especially with high LTV ratio – I’d guess if you had family help with deposit you had access to better mortgages to start with, bought and locked into a good rate before all this :gestures at binfire:, had help with Conveyancing fees, stamp duty, moving costs?

I think it very much depends on ages, area and house prices, and just how much help you had.

HennyPenny1234 · 22/08/2023 06:49

Maybe it would have been a good idea to have kept certain things private

GrandHighPoohbah · 22/08/2023 06:49

I think it depends how the friendship is generally. If you still have lots of other things to talk about with them, then just avoid the topic as far as possible. But if you feel they are letting their feelings about your different life situations dominate the friendship then see less of them.

GrandHighPoohbah · 22/08/2023 06:53

HennyPenny1234 · 22/08/2023 06:49

Maybe it would have been a good idea to have kept certain things private

I agree with this. Even with close friends, it isn't always sensible to give too much financial information away. We recently paid off our mortgage, and none of our friends or colleagues know this.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 22/08/2023 06:56

HennyPenny1234 · 22/08/2023 06:49

Maybe it would have been a good idea to have kept certain things private

Exactly. Why do your friends need to know how you managed to buy a house and that you were given financial help?

squashi · 22/08/2023 06:56

Lots of people get help from their parents with big purchases, but it's not a good idea to talk about it. None of anyone else's business. In your situation I'd probably try to brush off/ignore any digs and take your DH's 'just going with it' line.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 22/08/2023 06:59

It does seem rather unfair that they literally ask you what you've been up to and then dig at you when you provide the answer. You are definitely all privileged, but they are being dickish towards you and it doesn't sound like you're reciprocating; therefore on balance I'd say YANBU.

We got a massive amount of help from my father in order to buy our house, and I made a point of telling everyone so; this was my way of attempting to offset jealousy, believe it or not. It made life much easier when I could just walk around saying "We had help and are very lucky" rather than trying to make up stories about how we stopped eating avocados or some shit like that. We had help and were very grateful for it - we do not have this house just due to our own sweat and toil!

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 22/08/2023 07:12

Easy, when they say 'errr renting' respond with 'errr whilst you were off galavanting and travelling a few years ago, I was working a full time job'

Maray1967 · 22/08/2023 07:13

CoffeePlease1 · 22/08/2023 06:14

Some people don't have mummy and daddy giving them a large amount towards a house deposit or money to go travelling. You're all privileged.

Yes - you need to make this point. You could say that we’re all very lucky aren’t we, given what our families have helped us do. And going forward, stop sharing that kind of information with people like this.

GoldenSpangles · 22/08/2023 07:20

Yes, I kept it very quiet when we paid off our mortgage decades ago. I keep very quiet too that I could afford to quit work if I wanted to do so. I inherited a very modest amount of money which I split with my parents - it was only a fraction of a deposit and my husband and I saved the rest. I imagine we were lucky that we bought when we did so there is always an element of luck in these things.

gannett · 22/08/2023 07:20

how hard their lives are and how lucky we are to own a house and have parents who can give us money to buy a house

You are extremely lucky to own a house via the bank of mummy and daddy. It is extremely hard to be renting in the UK, especially at the moment with the cost of living crisis. Stop banging on about your renovations and house issues to people who are still renting. Firstly, it's boring to anyone. Secondly, it's insensitive. It's like parents talking endlessly about the joys of their new child to someone struggling with infertility, or talking about your fancy holidays and luxury purchases to someone on the breadline. I'm not surprised you got a snarky comment in return.

DP and I bought our first house a couple of years ago - with no external help - and almost every day since I've been consciously, profoundly grateful. Yes, we worked hard, but that's not the point - I haven't worked any harder than friends who for various reasons are still renting. And I certainly don't complain about the hardships of home-ownership to them.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 22/08/2023 07:25

So if your renting friends ask you what you've been up to and the truth is all house related, are you meant to lie? Or are you meant to be deliberately boring/vague and say Not Much?

I mean, don't give forensic detail of your carpet selection process, but topline explanations are reasonable IMO. Otherwise why are you even bothering pretending to be friends?