To be annoyed with DH’s friends

[NewNameND]

DH and I bought our house with some help from our parents. We’ve also both worked since we were 19yrs old. DH’s friends who spent 3 years after university travelling and working hospitality/ cleaning/ fruit picking jobs on their travels, tells us how hard their lives are and how lucky we are to own a house and have parents who can give us money to buy a house. Whenever we bring up a house problem or say we’re saving money for something (to do with house maintenance) they say something like ‘errr you know we’re still renting’. One of them quit her job last year and lived off ‘pocket money’ from her parents for months. She likes to tell us it’s ‘not HOUSE money’ whatever that means. DP just goes with it. They’ve been friends for years. And he tells me we need to be more sensitive to their position!

8k to me is a lot because my parents have never had money BUT it’s not exactly like they bought the house for you is it? His friends sound very entitled and are clearly very privileged to be able to choose to travel, that’s not something that a lot of people have the opportunity to do.

👆this, in spades.

Oh God, they sound hideous.

They are you husband's friends can you just start avoiding them? Stop going out with them, or go see your friends when they come round?

You are allowed to say whatever you want though OP. Just keep pointing out that they are talking shit. Why should you pussy foot around them but they say whatever they want to you? If they are offended hopefully you won't see them as much.

£8k isn't even that much when you consider that one of them didn't work for 11 months, just because she didn't feel like it. She presumably lost out on more than £8k during that time period. I'd be irritated by someone who banged on about your privilege but didn't acknowledge that she could afford to not work for nearly a year, just because.

@WeWereInParis exactly. The last time I didn’t work for 11 months I was in school.

i was taught you only go to university to get a degree that will get you a better job, which means I wasn’t able to pursue arts. Some of these friends have said ‘well everyone goes to university’

i already avoid them where I can but I go to support DH sometimes. I don’t like that they paint him as the corporate, over privileged, out of touch type. They have weird middle class denial.

With the way they're going on I assumed £80K not a measly £8K (and I say this as someone who has never seen £8K in her life. I once had £1600 in my account after my wages went in but it didn't stay that much for long).
That's the only help you guys got and your "friends" are acting like you're spoiled and living the life of rich people on your parents dime. I'd be exploding on them to be honest.
How dare they pretend you're privileged when they went travelling or just stayed home not working for 11 months while you worked. £8,000 is fantastic but in house buying terms it's not much.

Next time one of them tells you how lucky you are you could use the old reply "Yes, it's so strange that the harder we work the luckier we get". Or would your DH not like that either?

@BinkyBeaufort they would not like that! That would be ‘privilege blind’

I think you all need to stop being so involved in each other's lives at that level.
My friendship group has varied backgrounds and incomes; some of us are public service workers, some are corporate; some have no mortgages, some are renting; some have kids, others don't; some of us traveled, some didn't.
Y'know, we actually like each other, though, so we try to be understanding of each other's limitations.

Sounds a little like a DH problem?! They are allowed to tell you that you are insensitive and shouldn't say such things but you have to toe the line? Not fair! They seem to have no idea and are quite bitter.

I'd be seeing less of them where possible.

Bugger being sensitive, rub it in with a trowel.
Better still please go on a expensive holiday somewhere baggable.
Invite them to your house and go over all your plans you have.
Your work hard, you are sensible, just say "arrr the choices we make", tilt your head and smile.
Well done you both for getting on the ladder.

I think perhaps that you don't have as much in common with these friends now, as you did when you were younger, and clearly have different priorities in life. I think in your shoes, I would not be downplaying the fact that I own a house, I really cant stand jealousy in people, so I'd just start looking to make friends with people who are more on your wave length. It seems that more people could do with thinking about the adage 'comparison is the thief of joy', as to me, always comparing yourself to others, and finding yourself wanting is a miserable way of living.

It does sound as if your lives are going in different directions and the friendship's days may be numbered. £8k, whilst a very kind and generous amount for your parents to give you, is hardly a million pound trust fund. If they're honing in and obsessing about that, then I wonder how they will be over promotions, children doing well etc.

Stop mentioning your house in front of them.

Oh God they sound like such insufferable whiney twats.

I'd have as little to do with them as possible OP. They're your DH's friends and it sounds like he hasn't outgrown them quite yet.

Nobody would be telling me what I was "allowed" to say. But then I'm old enough to not give a monkeys what some overgrown teenagers thought about me.
Just see them less op and your DH can see them on his own.

Whilst your parents were extremely generous giving you 8K it's hardly 80K is it? They could have had a few less holidays and saved that themselves (if they could be bothered to get off their arses and work!)
Walk around like Lady Muck next time you see them, yes your parents gift helped you but you worked hard and made sacrifices along the way to get where you are now. Hold your head high.

I can’t be arsed with people like this. I would tell them once and for all they made different life choices to you and your dh, and this is the result and you are sick of being kicked about your life choices. Either agree to stop moaning about it, or we stop meeting

They aren’t your friends, they are DHs friends … just leave him too it.

I take it you have friends of your own, spend time with them.

Let DH choose whether he wants a relationship with them or not.

They sound like dicks, if I was you I would avoid contact as often as possible.
They will always find a way to resent you. They have made their choices, you made yours.

Oh and stop pandering to their bullshit you should be able to talk about your choices. They really sound like arseholes!

mini update- I suggested they 1) stop getting take out 2) stop going on abroad holidays 3) work full time or consider other means of income

i got branded ‘kirstie allsopp’ and ‘should we cancel Netflix and stop eating avocados too?’ And that became a conversation on how out of touch the welloff are and this is why they’re so screwed and people who inherited money to buy a house don’t understand how difficult it is now to buy a house now, and no one respects the arts. (How dare I appreciate any tv or film or music because an artist made those!)

And the calculation of how much they pay for their ‘budget holidays’ and takeaways and that wouldn’t buy the house we live in.

No one mentioned the years of travel or not working…

What was the purpose of those suggestions? I don’t get why you would engage with it and not just disengage from them.

I’m preparing to distance from them so thought I might as well seeing as the state of their ‘poverty’ came up again.

How do some people manage to have so many disagreements with their friends, or even their DH's friends?
As we on MN know it is very easy to pick a fight, but tone of the tricks to life is to avoid fights unless there is really no alternative.