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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH’s friends

82 replies

NewNameND · 21/08/2023 23:07

DH and I bought our house with some help from our parents. We’ve also both worked since we were 19yrs old. DH’s friends who spent 3 years after university travelling and working hospitality/ cleaning/ fruit picking jobs on their travels, tells us how hard their lives are and how lucky we are to own a house and have parents who can give us money to buy a house. Whenever we bring up a house problem or say we’re saving money for something (to do with house maintenance) they say something like ‘errr you know we’re still renting’. One of them quit her job last year and lived off ‘pocket money’ from her parents for months. She likes to tell us it’s ‘not HOUSE money’ whatever that means. DP just goes with it. They’ve been friends for years. And he tells me we need to be more sensitive to their position!

OP posts:
SecondhandSalute · 22/08/2023 07:31

I think you’ve made different choices, and you’re both jealous of one another. Acknowledge that (in your head), and acknowledge that you’re all privileged, and move on. And maybe find something else to talk about? You can’t have nothing at all going on in your life apart from choosing tiles or saving for a new bed?

Anothernamethesamegame · 22/08/2023 07:34

Sounds like you don’t even like them. I. Which case stop spending time with them. Just because DH likes their company doesn’t mean you have to. maybe he can arrange time with them without you.

ASCCM · 22/08/2023 07:37

You are not being un reasonable , they are being jealous dickheads.

so what if your parents helped you out with your house? It’s really no one business whatsoever! It isn’t your fault they rent.

honesty, I’d spend less time with these people if this is how they behave!

BadSkiingMum · 22/08/2023 07:41

In those first few years after university it can feel very tempting to make direct comparisons between yourself and your friends, however then peoples’ lives diverge and everyone starts to accept that they are on their own pathway. Then, you either remain friends despite the differences or the gap becomes too wide to bridge.

Unfortunately, this is why people often do end up socialising with others in a similar social or financial situation, because envy and resentment is poison to friendships!

I know that lots of people will weigh in and describe their hugely diverse and harmonious friendship circle, but it’s a general pattern that I have observed and also experienced in my own life.

Original poster
NewNameND · 22/08/2023 07:44

We got 8k, which was 25% of the deposit. Late 20s northwest.

re: why don’t I say ‘well you were off travelling I was working’, we’re not ‘allowed’ to say that. I was told that’s horribly insensitive by one of the friends, and then ‘reminded’ that I don’t understand their problem’s because of my privileges, and that travelling is important to self development and understanding cultures, and while they were traveling they didn’t have a lot of money.

one of them didn’t work for 11months. She quit her job, sat around at home to enjoy life between jobs, and then wouldn’t apply for a job unless it was the ‘perfect one’

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNameND · 22/08/2023 07:46

Also, I didn’t tell them the ins and outs, DH did

OP posts:
Poivresel · 22/08/2023 07:49

NewNameND · 22/08/2023 07:44

We got 8k, which was 25% of the deposit. Late 20s northwest.

re: why don’t I say ‘well you were off travelling I was working’, we’re not ‘allowed’ to say that. I was told that’s horribly insensitive by one of the friends, and then ‘reminded’ that I don’t understand their problem’s because of my privileges, and that travelling is important to self development and understanding cultures, and while they were traveling they didn’t have a lot of money.

one of them didn’t work for 11months. She quit her job, sat around at home to enjoy life between jobs, and then wouldn’t apply for a job unless it was the ‘perfect one’

They sound like entitled kids.
I would double down on the we were working whilst you swanned around the world.
It might get them to defriend you which would be a good result.

BadSkiingMum · 22/08/2023 07:53

I graduated a long time ago, before many of the current environmental concerns were mainstream, but even back then I couldn’t see what was so virtuous about ‘going traveling’. It mostly seemed to be people following a fairly well-worn path around Asia and Australia.

If you want to ‘understand different cultures’ get a job in a school or hospital in a diverse part of London!

Greenwitchhorse · 22/08/2023 07:53

They are not your friends...

Real friends would be happy for you, even if their circumstances are different/less favourable.

Unless you are constantly talking about your house (in which case they might have a point in being fed up with hearing the same topic...) it sounds like just petty jealousy on their part.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 22/08/2023 07:58

These people are not friends.

Maybe treat it like a joke? When they ask what you've been up to say "oh we can't possibly say what we were up to, as we wouldn't want anyone getting triggered by us being terribly terribly insensitive and talking about having to fix the leaky loo/strip wallpaper/clean out the gutters"

Original poster
NewNameND · 22/08/2023 08:00

I don’t have a problem with their life choices. i don’t understand why the group has decided that they are significantly poorer than we are because we’ve been very lucky and that we should be so so sensitive to their state of poverty. I think that’s ridiculous. I have friends who really come from poor backgrounds. They don’t have the bank of mum and dad to give a lump sum or even let them stay home for free/ low rent. They have good jobs now and still can’t buy a house or go travelling for years and it’s sh*t. And I am sensitive to that. But this group isn’t it.

OP posts:
Rewis · 22/08/2023 08:01

I'm sorry, but you got £8k? That's triggering their "mommy and daddy bank" comments? So basically if all of the worked full time they'd be likely able to buy a house.

I think you should go with the privilege acknowledgement route. Like "yeah, we're lucky to have been able to work since we were 19 and having our parents top up the deposit. Like you've been privileged to work part time or be able to find yourself while traveling. We really are a lucky group of people" and a smile in the end.

primoseyellow · 22/08/2023 08:08

I think I agree with you. People are obsessed with houses at the moment, partly due to the media.
Of course its shit to be stuck in rented and not be able to buy, but its also shit to have a relative die unexpectedly, its shit to be infertile, its shit to get cancer etc etc

So nobody can ever mention anything positive incase the other person can't have that experience/item? I can't have children due to early menopause, but if someone talks about baby plans I smile and am genuinely pleased for them, because life isn't fair and maybe down the line they have to go through something awful that I don't.

Life is swings and roundabouts and we just have to make the most of it.

To be honest your husbands friend sound whiny and a teeny bit ungrateful.

Maybe your husband was desperate to go to uni but soundly afford it, does he tell them to stop talking about fun uni times?

missingeu · 22/08/2023 08:20

It's all about choices and people's preception. Maybe because they want their home, they are focusing on that you have one. Not how you got there.

I had someone tell I was very lucky to get where I am, it really annoyed me at the time. As I had worked very hard and given up a lot to get where she thought I was lucky to be. She was quickly corrected.

clarepetal · 22/08/2023 08:30

Rewis · 22/08/2023 08:01

I'm sorry, but you got £8k? That's triggering their "mommy and daddy bank" comments? So basically if all of the worked full time they'd be likely able to buy a house.

I think you should go with the privilege acknowledgement route. Like "yeah, we're lucky to have been able to work since we were 19 and having our parents top up the deposit. Like you've been privileged to work part time or be able to find yourself while traveling. We really are a lucky group of people" and a smile in the end.

This. They sound like a pair of pricks.
I have a few friends who are loads more well off than me. I couldn't give two shits!!!

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2023 08:35

When you say that you're fixing a leaky pipe or decorating a room, and they retort with "we're still renting" turn that comment back on them by saying "Yeah it would be up to your landlord to do all of this heavy lifting, you must be living the best life ever (or evahhhhhhhhhhhhhh) not having these sorts of millstones around your necks".
Every one has their crosses to bear.
Or reply (in the tone of an American Game Show Host) "You too could be a home owner if you cut back on the socialising and the spending money on X or Y but it's not up to @NewNameND to sort that out for you".

Or something like that.

BrawnWild · 22/08/2023 08:45

I'm Team OP.

But OP, it's clear the friendship/wider group is growing apart and you (and probably DH eventually) will be pushed out so my advice is to work on finding new friends

Original poster
NewNameND · 22/08/2023 08:46

@LookItsMeAgain this is the think I’m not ‘allowed’ to do anything like that. It’s like a big social crime to deny any wealth isn’t through privilege.

It’s not just the gifted money. They’ve also gone ‘you guys have such well paying jobs’ and if I say ‘oh I wish I could travel and be an artist’ or ‘so could you?!’ The reply is ‘it’s really hard to be an artist’ or ‘but I’m an artist it will never be properly appreciated’

OP posts:
Ghilli · 22/08/2023 08:49

They don't sound like friends. Perhaps you have outgrown each other? It happens; people's lives go off in different directions.

readbooksdrinktea · 22/08/2023 08:55

how hard their lives are and how lucky we are to own a house and have parents who can give us money to buy a house

You are lucky. We don't all have the privilege of withdrawing from the bank of mum and dad.

readbooksdrinktea · 22/08/2023 08:57

Maray1967 · 22/08/2023 07:13

Yes - you need to make this point. You could say that we’re all very lucky aren’t we, given what our families have helped us do. And going forward, stop sharing that kind of information with people like this.

Show quote history

But also this. You've made different choices. The friendship seems to have run it's course.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 22/08/2023 08:59

They're jealous.

Hibiscrubbed · 22/08/2023 09:06

NewNameND · 22/08/2023 07:44

We got 8k, which was 25% of the deposit. Late 20s northwest.

re: why don’t I say ‘well you were off travelling I was working’, we’re not ‘allowed’ to say that. I was told that’s horribly insensitive by one of the friends, and then ‘reminded’ that I don’t understand their problem’s because of my privileges, and that travelling is important to self development and understanding cultures, and while they were traveling they didn’t have a lot of money.

one of them didn’t work for 11months. She quit her job, sat around at home to enjoy life between jobs, and then wouldn’t apply for a job unless it was the ‘perfect one’

Fuck them. They’re woefully stupid twats who don’t appear to be able to self-reflect. 😂 I’d stop seeing them and leave my dopey H to see them alone.

Bogeyes · 22/08/2023 09:07

Sour grapes....jealousy

RiverDulas · 22/08/2023 09:07

£8k is useful, and got you onto the housing market. However, it’s an amount that can be saved fairly easily if you’re careful, and a few holidays could easily amount to this.