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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not helping my dsis with her SN child

440 replies

Ghostedbyfriend · 21/08/2023 22:54

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

OP posts:
Spendonsend · 22/08/2023 08:14

I dont really have much of an opinion on whether you should take your niece to the cottage or not. I lean towards thinking if you cant cope with her its not a suitable arrangement for her or you. Which is disappointing for niece and sister but understandable.

I am more surprised that your poor DH cant cope his own with two NT primary aged children all alone though.

MollyRover · 22/08/2023 08:15

From my years of experience of parents of SN children, some can be extremely selfish- completely understandable given their circumstances but if someone expected me to give up my precious holidays which are already stressful with small children, so that they can be completely alone like they are every week and most weekends I would be telling them exactly where to go. It sounds like she gets all the respite she needs and more by leaning on your DM. She gets respite from her DD every weekend, and DD is in school 5 days a week. You're doing enough as it is helping her out for a day here and there. If your DSis is so desperate for DD to spend time with her cousins then she could join the trip too, the support would be shared.

MrsMarzetti · 22/08/2023 08:16

You are right by refusing to take your niece. Your sister by the sound of it has plenty of time away from her child. Yes her lot is unfair but that is life. You seem a very kind person taking your nephews and nieces, do your sisters and mother offer to take your children for a weekend ?

MollyRover · 22/08/2023 08:18

Spendonsend · 22/08/2023 08:14

I dont really have much of an opinion on whether you should take your niece to the cottage or not. I lean towards thinking if you cant cope with her its not a suitable arrangement for her or you. Which is disappointing for niece and sister but understandable.

I am more surprised that your poor DH cant cope his own with two NT primary aged children all alone though.

Maybe he would enjoy spending time and sharing experiences with his DW and DCs without having any extra stress? You know, like a holiday or something?

fearfuloffluff · 22/08/2023 08:19

Not easy for your sister. When they're small there's less of a distinction between NT and SN children because they're all dependent and need constant monitoring but as they grow, it becomes clear the SN children will continue to need that monitoring but are also more challenging to manage physically.

It's sad but the difference between the children will only grow as they get older.

fearfuloffluff · 22/08/2023 08:19

Do your other sisters spend time with the dn?

CherryMaDeara · 22/08/2023 08:20

Spendonsend · 22/08/2023 08:14

I dont really have much of an opinion on whether you should take your niece to the cottage or not. I lean towards thinking if you cant cope with her its not a suitable arrangement for her or you. Which is disappointing for niece and sister but understandable.

I am more surprised that your poor DH cant cope his own with two NT primary aged children all alone though.

OP has explained that her DH is the main caregiver to their kids.

Spendonsend · 22/08/2023 08:21

MollyRover · 22/08/2023 08:18

Maybe he would enjoy spending time and sharing experiences with his DW and DCs without having any extra stress? You know, like a holiday or something?

Show quote history

It was the way it was phrased in the OP. It sounded like it was beyond his capabilities, but I see they updated to say he was capable but wanted to spend time together. Which is a totally different reason and fair enough.

VisitorDilemma · 22/08/2023 08:22

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/08/2023 00:17

My dsis has always acted as if her child should be more important because of her disability, psychologically I think it makes her feel better her DD takes priority.

You really can’t imagine how relentless and stressful and heartbreaking it is to have a child who has significant additional support needs, who is likely to never live independently? I very much doubt your sister feels better for knowing she’ll never really be done parenting a small child in an increasingly big body.

Its clear you don’t want to take your niece, so don’t but a bit of empathy for your sister - who didn’t chose this for herself or her daughter - wouldn’t go amiss.

These are children. Not chores, or problems - actual children who should still benefit from family relationships, support and care. Your niece will be excluded from everything from parties, to activities, social events, school and, yes, holidays because of her disability. I don’t blame her mum for asking you to treat her equally to her cousins, and I don’t blame you for not wanting the hassle but you don’t need to spend time pointing out how much help your sister gets in a situation that you can’t cope with - she deserves all the respite anyone can give her.

I agree with this.

ShepherdMoons · 22/08/2023 08:26

It doesn't sound practical for you to look after your dn. I think it must be hard for your dsis though and, if I were you, I'd try to support her emotionally. Also, maybe try to find a way that you can all have a break together that might involve you looking after dn for a shorter period of time. If her child has severe special needs it must be difficult for her to cope.

Gymmum82 · 22/08/2023 08:27

No one is owed childcare. You’ve already looked after your niece for a weekend at your mums house which is plenty when you’re only here for a months holiday.

It sounds like your sister gets more respite than most people in her situation. Care during the week day. Care every weekend. Care so she can go on holiday alone.
I understand that it must be so difficult for her raising her child alone. But that doesn’t mean she is owed childcare when you already have your own children to care for. What would happen if you did take her to the cottage and were distracted by your own children and she injured herself or worse. Who would be to blame then? Personally I couldn’t take that responsibility, if something happened to my own children on my watch that’s on me. But if something happened to someone else’s. Particularly when the chance of that happening is very high. I wouldn’t be prepared to take on that

AuntMarch · 22/08/2023 08:29

Is it not common for people to fo more with the necessary and nephews their own children are closer to? I don't see why it would necessarily be equal between all cousins in any family. You only invite other peoples kids on holiday if it is going to make life easier!

OleMioSole · 22/08/2023 08:31

Exactly @Gymmum82 .
YANBU OP.
I have no idea whether posters on MN are wilfully obtuse or just struggle with reading comprehension.
So many people talking about 'needing a break' blah2.
Your sister gets a level of help most SEN parents can only dream of!
Full daytime care so she can work.
Mother cares for her every weekend.

@Lifeisgood1 is this common in your situation or most SEN parents? From reading on here and people IRL it's very, very uncommon and you're usually left to your own devices and have to give up work.

Of course, even with all the help it's still hard work. But it's not a case of 'needing a break', she has plenty of that already. It's fair for OP to say she cant manage. on her own holiday, at a cottage. She looks after niece at home and that's enough. Presumably she only needs to pay for any damages etc if she rents the place?

OleMioSole · 22/08/2023 08:32

*also needs to pay not only

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 22/08/2023 08:33

RhymesWithTangerine · 22/08/2023 07:56

Would you agree that we all need to be selfish sometimes? The OP putting her own family first on their family holiday sounds like good parenting.

OP is not refusing to help. But this will take her away from her own DC and DH. And even her DSis said the environment is too difficult to look after her own daughter.

Show quote history

Parents of kids with SEN don't ever get to be selfish. That's the point. I've actually had people ask me to mind their kids (who never mind mine), claiming they 'will be easy next to mine'. Could do without this selfishness myself.

bryceQ · 22/08/2023 08:34

Your sister works during the day and your mum has her daughter all weekend? And she goes on holidays by herself?

I think most sen parents would be amazed to have this level of support. Me and my husband manage our son 100% of the time he goes 2 hours in school and couldn't be left with any family.

aquarterofwhatever · 22/08/2023 08:35

I have more than one dc with SEN. Not one member of my family or dh will ever help. They have basically ignored us it deliberately not seen the dc so they can’t be asked for any favours. It got so bad both of us now can’t work and rely on benefits - and what do they say the only times they contact us ….how it’s awful we rely on benefits when other people have to work and how upset they are that dh gave up his job and never goes to see them alone 😳

MollyRover · 22/08/2023 08:36

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat so what do you make of DSis having time to go to work all week because DD is at school, time to herself all weekend because DM looks after DD and holidays without DD? Isn't that enough respite?

user1492757084 · 22/08/2023 08:37

You are sounding fair and logical.
You don't need to change your mind.

If anything, invite your sister and her child for two days and one night to the cottage together. She can have a sort of break by being in a new environment and being there with you.
She might get the odd half hour where she doesn't need to be as vigilant because her daughter is entertained by her cousins.

itsmyp4rty · 22/08/2023 08:40

I can see both sides, it's not an easy situation for anyone.

Does your mum come to the cottage? If she often has DN could she come to the cottage with DN for a weekend and help out with her? That way DN isn't completely left out but it's not all falling on you and DH.

Mariposista · 22/08/2023 08:41

If it’s so she can work/run essential errands, do something vital, there would perhaps be a (small) argument that you are being a bit uncharitable. But so she can lie about, paint her nails, read magazines? No chance!

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/08/2023 08:44

I call this “the shunning” it seems to happen to most of the parents with disabled children and to the children themselves and siblings. The reasons don’t really matter.

The older dn gets and the more family members who don’t help the more won’t and friends and cousins will follow suite.

Poor dsis and poor dn what a lonely draining future they face together. I’m so impressed by your mother. Wow! What a fantastic woman she must be seeing genuine hardship and helping not just as a one off but shoulder to shoulder with her daughter week in week out. That is love.

BreatheAndFocus · 22/08/2023 08:44

YADNBU. You’ve compromised and said DNeice is welcome to come with your DSis, but your DSis has refused that. Your DSis works fulltime and has your DM looking after your DNeice at weekends. It sounds like she has plenty of breaks. She also gets to go on holiday alone, which is surely unusual for someone in her situation.

It sounds to me like your DSis is struggling and I feel sorry for her. However, she’s over-relying on family members (your DM mainly) and that’s not fair. Could DNeice go to a residential school weekly, then DSis would only have to deal with the weekends, thus giving your DM a break?

Does DSis ever have her child for a week with no school? If not, why would she think you should?

MuggleMe · 22/08/2023 08:47

I'm confused, does dsis only parent her child in the evenings? Sounds like your mum has her more than dsis does. I think dsis coming to the cottage too, and possibly helping DH look after the others sometimes rather than her own would be a perfectly reasonable solution. Clearly her child needs 1-1, and with a gaggle of other children, that's just not possible. If she doesn't want to, it's more about (another) break for her rather than benefit to her child.

Naddd · 22/08/2023 08:49

Do you not read posts? She gets help during the week and grandparent has her on a weekend. Hardly 52 wks of the year!

How much more help does she want!

It sounds as though she expects her child to be treated the same but the reality is she isn't. She's hard work.

The op has offered compromises that her sister is not willing to accept that's on her.

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