Not helping my dsis with her SN child

[Ghostedbyfriend]

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

I don’t have kids with SN. But it’s clear from MN that residential schools and respite are all but impossible to access. Even if funding and money are eventually found. It’s not a viable option for most.

@Ohthatsabitshit if anyone's shunning then it's the DSis. Sounds like she would be more than welcome to come to the cottage with her DD. DSis is only interested in dumping her. The OP has already said that her DM is helping out around her own work and they don't feel it's appropriate for DM to help out with the other DGCs because she's spending so much time with SN DN.

The OP is helping out by having her for a day here and there and I think that's enough. It's clear DSis doesn't think it's helping her though, she sees it as DM getting the help because she has her so much anyway.

This is true.
I have had to get (slowly and resentfully) to the point where I accept that when my DS is being very challenging behaviour wise/ or self harming that no one else in that moment feels able to care for him and keep him safe. Yes it all falls on me, yes that’s a hard hand to have been dealt, yes I feel jealous of others who don’t have to have their lives dominated by it but I have come to accept it and if my sister was to offer to take my DD to play with her cousins but didn’t feel she could manage my DS i’d say yes please and feel sad for him and for me but pull my socks up and get on.
sadly if you have a child with additional needs it’s tough, so tough and lonely but you have to be honest and if you can’t manage her behaviour then it’s ok to say so.

What help do your other siblings offer your sister? I think it's understandable why you didn't take her on your own but they have no right to act annoyed on your other sisters behalf if they aren't helping either

This is a really tricky one and I can see both sides. However I do think your DH ought to be able to cope with his own children (I'm sure you do a lot of the time), and I also think that it would be decent of you to take niece for a couple of days. Yes it would be tough but she's family, as is your sister. A PP suggested having your other nieces and nephews for shorter periods and having your DN with SN for a few days. That sounds like a reasonable compromise.

No, you're under no obligation to do this. But it would be the decent thing to do.

This is so sad.

Its good parenting to show children that people only have value if they can be of use to you, to further your aims in some way? Hard disagree.

😒😒

OP, you’ve done more than enough. As has your mother.

Meh this is why lots of us don't bother asking for help.

I wouldn't put any judgement on your sister for the amount of "me time" she gets, remember you're saying that you and your DH can't cope with this child but that is her reality all the time all by herself (except day time while she is working and some weekends). Presumably she does all the early morning, afternoon, evening and night time care herself? Presumably her respite isn't all day every day so her caring responsibilities are still quite high?

That said, if you can't do it, you can't do it.

I have two SN children (one like you describe your DN) and in your sister's situation, I'd be upset but I'd probably understand.

I don't know how much more help you think is reasonable. DSis only has DD at night and holidays without her.

Most people aren't reading the thread OP so pay no attention to those that clearly haven't. You've got to put more information in your OP. Most of those criticizing you are assuming your DSis looks after her daughter 24/7, as many of them do. They're also misreading what you said about your DH.

I wouldn't do it. It's your holiday. It doesn't sound as though your sister even appreciates you looking her DD and just complains about why you don't look after her more. Maybe go to Spain or somewhere next year.

This. And take your poor Mum!

I can see both sides here too. Keeping DN safe does sound hard, but the way you talk about her is hard to read. She's still just a child, if you try to look beyond the disability and the challenges. And she likely does things like push glasses over due to impulse control rather that just 'for attention '...it's often hard for sen kids to match up.cause and effect.
OP, I know it's easier to ignore disability and exclude it from your lovely nice family hollibobs, but just take a minute to think what you're teaching your own children. You're showing them that disabled people aren't worth helping, that only one way of being is worth supporting, and that anyone who is different must be cut out. Surely there is a compromise you could reach? Or just don't take any cousins and be fair? It's so sad when disabled DC are left out.

She doesn't have to be excluded, DSis is the one excluding her. She can go to the cottage and care taking could be shared, DD would have all the time she wants or is able for with her cousins. DSis wants her taken off her hands and that's it.

'Having time to go to work all week' is hardly respite though is it? It is going from one draining situation to the next. When my own DC attends school, I am at university. I myself get positively sick of people telling me that's 'a break', 'respite' or 'time to myself'. It is hardly the same as a haircut, or any form of self care. Whilst I appreciate, fair enough, she has time to herself occasionally other than at work, something I don't have, I would not call working full time 'respite'.

And when you say 'DSis says its hard at night to look after DN...', believe her. Nighttime care can be really hard and totally exhausting.

I see your point and yes ideally DSis should take her, but we don't know how hard it is for her right now. If you've never raised sen kids, you have literally no.idea.

It's not just occasional outside of work. Her DM takes her every weekend including nights, the occasional weekday night, and when DSis goes on holidays. People are reading their own incredibly difficult situations into this when the fact is it's not the same.

What about the weekends and the holidays without DD? That's not occasionally, that's routinely.

I know having DC with profound SN is very difficult but it doesn't sound to me like DSis is in need of anymore help at all. Most people don't have most weekends and holidays without their children. DSis is demanding that OP takes DD for a week!!

My concern out of this is for your Mum. How on earth is she going to manage as she gets older?

Oh good, another one of those threads where posters ignore that the child’s other parent has absolved himself of responsibility because they’re too busy berating a woman without parental responsibility for not #beingkind.

YANBU OP. Your sister’s lot sounds really hard but it’s not on you to solve it for her.

How would it help to rant about it when op is looking for advice on a separate issue?

"Most people don't have most weekends and holidays without their children." @MollyRover please don't compare the care of typically developing children to that of disabled children- it's just not comparable.

Look at it this way, in a typical classroom there can be ratios of 1:30 allowed, for some disabled children they have 1:1 or even 2:1 across all school hours for safety. Often those same children then go home, sometimes to their single parent families.