Not helping my dsis with her SN child

[Ghostedbyfriend]

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

Tbh, the real shit in this situation is the DN’s father, who’s abandoned her. What a disgusting person. 😡

I hope dsis finds people who love her dd as she is and they appreciate what she brings. It’s not martyring yourself to accept that you may have to work harder to include someone or do more to help someone than you do for others.

You mean like this family have?
Don't know what more OP and her mother can do. Sister doesn't get everything she demands just because her child has SN

I get it @notlucreziaborgia. We all want to enjoy our lives as best we can. But that, for some on here, has started to take unconditional priority over everything else, including putting yourself out for others. Of course this situation would require the OP to do more than 'put herself out'. But on a very temporary basis and with the objective of taking a load off for her sister for a little while.

Again, I'm not saying she should do that. I think it would be the decent thing to do but that's the extent of it. The point I was making was a more general one about the posters who say things like 'why should your holiday be 'ruined' for the sake of a child who is not your responsibility?'. It's that attitude that I don't like.

I haven’t seen anything in OPs posts to suggest she appreciates anything the child brings to the family. Maybe I missed a post.

The OP has helped out already and will do so in the future but it's not possible for her do it on her DSis' terms because that is a) not safe for her DN and b) not conducive to her own family situation. Surely you can see that the OP shouldn't have to prioritise either her DSis or her DN over her own family's needs??

No, however I also wouldn’t take the child in a wheelchair on a hiking destination, even if all the cousins were invited. This for me is comparable.

We usually talk about reasonable adjustments: inviting the niece + her mum would be the reasonable adjustment. Expecting OP to 100% look after her niece and miss out on all the holiday time with her DH and children is not reasonable.

No, it doesn’t require that of her. She’s not responsible for her sister, at all. You may not like this, but you don’t need to.

That she already has gone out of her way to provide help is testament to her care for her sister and niece. That doesn’t mean that her sister and niece have to take priority over OP’s own needs, or over OP’s DH and children. They who want to be able to spend some of their limited time in the UK enjoying the holiday, allowing them that is also a decent thing to do.

@MollyRover as I said, I'm not saying the OP SHOULD do it. I'm making a more general point that some posters have spoken about the DSis and DN in very disparaging terms, which is not necessary. I've also made the general point that there's an increasing number of posters on MN these days who insist on their right to live a life that is hassle free at the expense of making some sacrifices to help out others in need. I didn't say that about the OP. It's other posters I'm talking about. I've also seen it in numerous threads about step-families (for example). There's a general rhetoric of 'why SHOULD I put myself out to help anyone else?'.

No, it doesn’t require that of her. She’s not responsible for her sister, at all. You may not like this, but you don’t need to.

@notlucreziaborgia hence my use of the term 'would'.

I neither like nor dislike anything about that. I have no skin in this game.

Speaking as the mum of a child with SEN, the sister is already getting a lot of support. If anything the OPs Mum needs the break more!

I would not expect my sibling to take my child
on holiday without me there when they have their own DC to look after.

I wonder if Dsis is focusing too much on her need for a break rather than if her SD will actually benefit from a holiday.

I have a family member with very challenging behaviour and their parents have, for a long time, insisted they are included and treated like everyone else.

Problem was, it was only the parents who benefited from that, they felt they were doing the “right thing”. The child with SEN was put in situations/environments they absolutely couldn’t cope with and so presented with very challenging behaviour which then meant other people were injured and the SEN child’s behaviour totally dominated the day.

The parents were totally at fault and as time has gone on they’ve recognised that they can’t just thrust their child into situations they can’t manage with some perception that’s “fair”

OP‘s sister has said she couldn’t cope with her child in that setting, so it’s not fair on the child to send them with someone else, knowing they likely won’t cope and it’s not fair on OP and the other members of her family turning the focus from a holiday to effectively a week managing the needs of one individual.

@ludocris , the OPs DSis is absolutely being a CF. What you're saying about how people won't put themselves out for others across Mumsnet is off topic.

I'm speaking from a place of experience, constantly being made to feel responsible for someone in my circle with SN and being made to feel not only selfish, but evil, for doing less than was expected of me. Now that I have my own family I am absolutely selfish because I put their needs above everyone else's. The OP hasn't done this, her DSis gets so much help from her DM that she has her own DD only really at night (which pps have decided is too much because DD must also have sleeping issues- no idea if this is the case) and sometimes not even that. The OP has even looked after her DN at a safe and familiar place for DN.

Like I said before, stop projecting your own situation at others. If someone doesn't have a child with SN they are allowed to be oblivious. Not to be nasty of course, but they are allowed to not constantly feel guilty that other people do.

@KatesCoke great point.

i would not except my SEN child to cope well in some environments (for example hotels). We arrange holidays that suit the child.

I don't believe that you would take away a child for a week when her own mother refuses to take her away due to her behaviour.

@CherryMaDeara I didn't say I would! I would probably do it for a few days though. But in any case, as per all of my previous posts, I'm not saying the OP should do it. That's not for me to say. I'm speaking more about the tone of other posters.

@MollyRover what am I projecting? You're the one who is referring to your own experience of being made to feel evil for not helping out. I haven't mentioned any experience of my own.

This is so true - the tone of some of the posters about the sister having 'yet more time alone' or 'fobbing off' their child on relatives is out of order. What about all the people whose children are minded by grandparents after school or when they're babies/toddlers? Or anyone whose child has stayed with a relative while the parent/s go on holiday?

If they’re expecting childcare from someone only in the country for a month, who wants to enjoy some of that time with their husband and children, and getting mad when they’re told no, then yes, the same would apply to them.

If they’re refusing the offer of a holiday with their child, yet trying to get the person offering to provide childcare for that week, then yes, the same would apply to them.

@nidgey have you read the thread? The DSis won't take her DD on holiday because DD is too challenging, not on her own, not with her family. She won't take her. What would you call that? Not to mention she has free time almost every weekend and some overnights courtesy of her DM.

The issue isn't that the DN would "ruin the holiday", the issue is that it's not safe and the child wouldn't cope (hence the previous behaviour issues that even the sister can't handle) would mean that no one would have a good time. If the OP's sister had turned around and said, "take her with you, I've done research and X cottage is SN friendly, and you can take her to Y to do Z activity. Let's see if DM will come, or I'll come for the first day just to help her settle", or even "could I stay in a local B&B so I can get some rest and a decent night's sleep, but I'll come if there are any issues and to get DD ready for bed" then I'd think yeah, this might work. But just handing over your disabled child to a relative that lives in a different country so won't have a strong bond with the child, taking her away from her routine , away from the people she really knows and has a bond with, putting her in a potentially dangerous environment for a SN child, to somewhere where even the child's mother stuggles with her behaviour, is not ableist. And honestly, not putting the child first. Those saying it's "disgraceful" are living in some dream-land to think a non-parent of a profoundly disabled child can manage without any respite of her own for 7 days when the mother needs respite every 5, has very little experience with ND children on her own, and will have her attention divided by more children. You cannot say that the father will be able to cope with their children whilst she looks after DN because her own children will naturally be pestering the OP for her attention so there will be times where she's juggling more than she can handle.

Lots of people get handed really shit deals in life. It's good to help people in any way you can, and the OP has offered to help in ways she knows she can create a safe environment and where she is secure, but there also has to be a limit, and putting the child in a potentially harmful situation for the benefit of the mum when the mum is not attempting to find a solution or compromise is not really a good idea.

YANBU, you are not a respite service.

its highly unlikely to be an issue for much longer for OP. Her disabled niece will fit less and less with her cousins and they grow older and she can’t keep up. Realistically if this level of care is too much now, once dn is a stroppy teen with acne and periods and raging hormones the relationship is going to die anyway. Be as kind as you can be @Ghostedbyfriend if not for dn and dsis then for your mother who sounds like she of all of you understands the challenges they both face and has decided to stand by them. What an amazing mum she sounds. I hope that’s what I would be like.

Honestly this language is used for mums (not parents just mums) leaving their kids with relatives regularly. It’s even used when you sent your kids to nursery in order to go to work. Usually by women about women, which is deeply depressing.

Seriously?

He's stressed about having the DN and his DC with only 2 adults there.
I think OP's mum is the one who needs respite, not so much Dsis.