Not helping my dsis with her SN child

[Ghostedbyfriend]

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

I've just said that I would say exactly the same about parents of NT children if they did the same thing.

@WedRine and still you ignore the use of language to describe the child’s mum. Which is what I was commenting on. Nowhere have I suggested the OP is unreasonable not to want to take her niece.

You're ignoring the fact that the mother won't take her child somewhere because of the challenges but expects someone else to.

I've just said that I would say exactly the same about parents of NT children if they did the same thing.

So if a child goes to school, has parents who work, sees their grandparents at the weekend and has an occasional child free holiday their parents have abdicated responsibility for them? That would cover a lot of parents.

Almost every weekend, every holiday and some overnights- as explained previously that is not occasional, that is routine. Yes I would. What's the point in having children at all?

I have used that terminology with my own brother, the parent of a NT child, for taking the piss with his childcare arrangements before, so yes, NT parents don't get a free pass. And mums on MN are constantly being pulled up for expecting grandparents to provide free and frequent childcare. So no, I'm not holding the parent of a disabled child to a higher standard.

I also have a ND DD, but not as profound as the child in the OP. It was one of the reasons I stopped after 1, because I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with DD's needs as well as another child, even a NT one, on top. My sister regularly babysits my brother's DS so he can go out but is not comfortable with my DD even if it is just so I can go to the supermarket in peace. I would never leave DD with someone who didn't feel they can handle her needs and I don't begrudge my sister for being honest.

Any parent who is constantly not looking after their own child weekend after weekend. Often some nights in the week, gets child free holidays and try’s to demand her child is taken away for a week by someone else.

Yup I’d say they was palming their child off or fobbing off. don’t care if the child’s NT or not. What’s the point in having a child to just pass them to any person who will take them.

I know it’s not the point of the thread but I wonder if your sister could look into residential care.

While I do sometimes suggest to parents of SN children, who appear to me, to be on the verge of breakdown that they look at weekly residential schools; I also know how hard it is to get it. It’s no light suggestion.

Apart from the battle with the LA, I’ve heard recently from a lawyer in the field, another big problem is that specialist schools are finding it hard to recruit the residential care staff! So, while the school may offer the parents a place for DC, it could take the school a year to recruit the extra necessary staff!

As for pp who say DSis gets plenty of help, with DM helping weekends and a holiday for DSis, I can say from experience that either caring for DC or working full time Monday to Friday, while only getting 3 hours sleep a night due to DC with SN, is exhausting! We were at a meeting and we were asked, what in an ideal world we’d like and we said 2 nights a week respite to get undisturbed sleep! We didn’t get it; but anyone who thinks DSis is living the life of Reilly, if she works FT on disturbed sleep is deluded! (I don’t want to hear it’s the same for parents of babies - it’s not when it’s a lifetime prospect, living on a constant knife edge, that not thinking for 10 seconds could result in DC ending up dead)

Quite.

Same. Our now-adult son has SN and it never occurred to me that a non-professional should have him when he was young even though he was relatively easy compared to OP's niece. It wouldn't have been fair on them.

The OP's sib is fortunate enough to have day services while she goes to work which sadly many don't, and her mother giving her respite at the weekend. Of course she should come with the daughter for at least the first visit

I agree with this. OP's sister isn't really looking out for what is best for her SN daughter- she's looking out for what is best for herself. Best for the daughter (and everyone else except herself) would be sister visiting the cottage with DN.

The OP and her family don't visit every summer with the sole intention of "providing respite" for any family members with children. They are there for a holiday. I'm staggered by the responses saying the OP and her husband owe some kind of duty to OP's sister, to the detriment of the rest of their family.

*I invited my dsis along to the cottage, but she never wants to go away with my DN because of her challenging behaviour

I wonder if this is the real reason or if perhaps OP doesn’t understand all of the ramifications of dsis going to. Presumably she would need to use annual leave which may be much more precious than for more able families. Life is very difficult for people with children who don’t get to sleep. It’s possible (even likely) that dsis get a few hours a night but catches up at the weekend when dm takes her during the day and that Dm has her midweek overnight if she’s on her knees. If her holiday time is the only days she can sleep a bit longer going to the cottage with OPs family will mean she loses that catch up AND is more exhausted as a result of supporting dd at the cottage, and then there are the nights AFTER the cottage stay. It’s entirely possible she CAN’T not won’t go with dd.

I have a similar child. It’s much much harder than you think.

I'm staggered by the responses saying the OP and her husband owe some kind of duty to OP's sister, to the detriment of the rest of their family. it’s called love.

Your Dsis is being unreasonable. She can come herself if she does not want her DD excluded. It is unreasonable to expect to spend your own family holiday provinding her with respite care.

No, that's martyrdom.

I think yanbu

You’ve offered for niece to come to the cottage but with her Mum/ your sis too (as the one taking care of here) - that’s perfectly reasonable. She’s not excluded from the cottage fun.

You’ve also given your sis respite at weekends. Your sister can’t stipulate exactly what the help and respite should be, especially as the situation could be dangerous.

I know it’s not the point of the thread but I wonder if your sister could look into residential care.

there is always one 🙄

As a parent of a disabled child who is very difficult to manage and needing watching 24/7 I agree with this.

The way some of you are talking about OP's sister is disgraceful. Is it not possible to just say 'YANBU, I wouldn't do it either'? Why do you have a to create a lazy CF character in the story who 'fobs her kid off' and 'abdicates all responsibility' for her.

It's also reasonable to say 'YANBU it sounds like too much for you to handle' without also suggesting DN's presence would 'ruin' everyone else's holiday.

I can't bear this attitude on MN of 'why on earth shouldn't I be entitled to have a perfect life free of any undue hassle or burden? Someone else being upset or disappointed or disadvantaged is NOT my responsibility'. The milk of human kindness is running dry around here these days...

What bollocks.
"Love"- for one person- the sister- at the expense of numerous others. No- it's the sisters selfishness.

You're right. They really don't understand how easy they have it. I accept this makes me a shitty person but sometimes I think people like that will eventually get a taste of what it's like to be a carer.

It’s one thing to ask a favour and accept a no, and another to ask a favour and proceed to act like the person asked is unreasonable for saying no.

Anyone trying to make their child’s care someone else’s responsibility is indeed ‘fobbing them off’.

OP is absolutely entitled to want to enjoy the life she has. Why shouldn’t she?

@notlucreziaborgia you've just repeated what I said, only without any sense of self-awareness.

Oh, I understand what you said, I’m just not sure why OP thinking she should get to enjoy the life she has is being presented as an unreasonable expectation.

Agreed. It is sad that we do not all get dealt the same cards in life though.