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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not helping my dsis with her SN child

440 replies

Ghostedbyfriend · 21/08/2023 22:54

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

OP posts:
MollyRover · 22/08/2023 10:20

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/08/2023 10:13

The OP has even offered to take her DN so long as the sister comes too but the sister won't because she wants to absolve herself from any parental responsibility at all.

Have the parents of cousins who get to stay at the lovely holiday cottage also absolved themselves of any parental responsibility at all? Presumably their kids go to school and their parents work, presumably they also have varying degrees of family support, they certainly have a week while their children are with their aunt.

Why is it ok and indeed expected that parents work and kids go to school and might spent time with grandparents and extended family, but when it comes to children with disabilities they’re fobbing their kids off, dumping them on someone else etc etc when they’re basically doing what every other parent does.

Life with a child with significant disabilities is very hard, you can feel like you’ve run a marathon by the time they’re up and out for school - and now you need to go to work and run the house before starting all over again when the child comes home from school. The emotional impact of knowing your child will always need this level of care, while also knowing the supports around you will lessen over time is awful.

Im loving the “I wouldn’t do it” comments while also berating the mum who apparently isn’t doing much care because she works and has a holiday once a year.

But it's not "spending time", it's a week of risk management for DN during their own holiday!! That doesn't sound like a pleasant situation for anyone, least of all DN who could become seriously injured or worse if something goes wrong. Do you think that that's what happens at schools, or residential care, etc etc? Oh we'll just pretend that the needs don't exist so that everyone is included?

Anothermother3 · 22/08/2023 10:20

I think the OP has had her niece for a few days I think just not at the cottage? It would be nice for a couple of days but a weeks respite is a lot. If there was someone along to help that might be more of a holiday experience for all. I think everyone has a limit and that’s okay. Parents of children with SEN are pushed beyond that limit so I think that’s something to consider but it’s okay to have boundaries. I have a friend with 2 DC and I’d absolutely never look after one of them overnight as I don’t feel confident taking on the risk (diabetic). I’d be more able with other needs. 2 of mine are ND but don’t have high care needs and it’s still hard not to be sensitive sometimes to others perceptions. Can there be more whole family events including all parents?

OoopsOhNo · 22/08/2023 10:25

On a practical note, are you comfortable saying whereabouts, roughly the cottage is in the UK? Could you go to a SEN event or specialist play centre all together as a family? I know it's not a break for anyone but personally, when we bond together doing safe and appropriate trips out with my disabled DC and extended family, it really makes me feel so much more positive and generally included.

MollyRover · 22/08/2023 10:25

@Anothermother3 from the OP:

I invited my dsis along to the cottage, but she never wants to go away with my DN because of her challenging behaviour.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 22/08/2023 10:27

Jamtartforme · 22/08/2023 09:18

How would it help to rant about it when op is looking for advice on a separate issue?

Show quote history

I’m not saying rant about it but perhaps it might help some posters to be more restrained laying into the OP to think about the other parent. Some are acting as if OP is the other parent!

WedRine · 22/08/2023 10:27

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/08/2023 10:13

The OP has even offered to take her DN so long as the sister comes too but the sister won't because she wants to absolve herself from any parental responsibility at all.

Have the parents of cousins who get to stay at the lovely holiday cottage also absolved themselves of any parental responsibility at all? Presumably their kids go to school and their parents work, presumably they also have varying degrees of family support, they certainly have a week while their children are with their aunt.

Why is it ok and indeed expected that parents work and kids go to school and might spent time with grandparents and extended family, but when it comes to children with disabilities they’re fobbing their kids off, dumping them on someone else etc etc when they’re basically doing what every other parent does.

Life with a child with significant disabilities is very hard, you can feel like you’ve run a marathon by the time they’re up and out for school - and now you need to go to work and run the house before starting all over again when the child comes home from school. The emotional impact of knowing your child will always need this level of care, while also knowing the supports around you will lessen over time is awful.

Im loving the “I wouldn’t do it” comments while also berating the mum who apparently isn’t doing much care because she works and has a holiday once a year.

The other children require significantly less support, so yes, of course it's easier for the OP to care for them alongside her own children. What happens if during the week her DH gets poorly and she's left complete solo parenting on her own with a severely disabled child amongst her own? What if whilst cleaning her own child's teeth, her DN runs out onto a road and gets killed? What happens if whilst getting her own child dressed, her DN finds some bleach or a sharp knife that the OP didn't know was there because the accommodation won't be set up for a disabled child? The risks are completely different to taking NT children on holiday. It's why disabled children need support and adaptations made to make them able to access the same experiences as NT children. And one of the adaptations here is she needs her mum for support. Either the OP's sister wants respite, which the OP has offered in other forms and the sister has said it's not good enough, or the sister wants her to experience a holiday with her cousin at the cottage, in which case she needs to accept that adaptations need to be put in place for her to access that experience.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/08/2023 10:30

Oh we'll just pretend that the needs don't exist so that everyone is included?

You‘ve totally missed the point. No one says of working parents whose kids go to school and have family support with childcare that they’re “fobbing their kids off”, or dumping them, which is exactly the language used to describe a single mum doing what most single mums do. No one suggests they’re “abdicating parental responsibility”. That language is used for parents of disabled children seeking support and respite - or indeed just getting through the working week.

Its disgusting and ableist.

Irrespective of the practicalities of taking the niece, the complexities of care she might need and indeed the OPs desire to not take on that responsibility the comments made about the child’s mum, who is doing what most mums do, is unfair.

RhymesWithTangerine · 22/08/2023 10:31

Suggesting the OP tells her DSis to looks into residential care is quite a big reach. OP, unless you are closely involved with DN don’t do this - not that there was any sign you were going to!

You’ve had a lot of #BeKind advice on here. Almost no-one has asked about the missing dad.

ElizabethBest · 22/08/2023 10:32

YANBU! I have a child with profound SEN. It's HARD. So hard! My mum is very kind and does respite care one night a week, however it's just not possible for anybody to manage him alone for longer than that, and I wouldn't expect them to - even DH and I don't do more than 2 days with him alone because of how high stress it is.

Yes, it would be nice for your DN to go to the cottage, but if it's not feasible then it's not. Your DSIS shouldn't be expecting you to do it.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/08/2023 10:34

The risks are completely different to taking NT children on holiday.

I have two neurodiverse children, I know very well the risks involved and the support they need. Happily no one in my family would suggest I was dumping my kids or fobbing them off or abdicating responsibility for them.

Lifeisgood1 · 22/08/2023 10:35

Of course they are entitled to say no but they don't need to be martyrs about it. And yes she does have a lot of support so of course she should be totally grateful for that. Because obviously she doesn't have to deal with overnight, early mornings, evenings. Because it is hard. Amd even when you don't physically have the child with you there's all the paperwork, appointments, respite to organise. Just because she has help for a few hours a day. It's actually exhausting and relentless. whilst she does have a few hours respite a day it's not a proper break. Maybe she's asking for a respite break because she needs it? It's so easy to judge from the outside. If you don't want to do it then say no. But my point was don't say no because its too hard.

MollyRover · 22/08/2023 10:37

@Jellycatspyjamas if any parent was expecting the same level of support from their DM as the OPs DSis is I would say the same, SN or not. DSis has her DD overnight, but not when it gets too much, and doesn't take her on holiday but expects OP to. There's nothing ableist about saying she's a CF.

Completely agree that the father of the child should be taking responsibility here- he's obviously not willing to give up any of his time and energy which is what is required in this situation so I hope he's more than contributing financially, although it's still not enough.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 22/08/2023 10:37

RhymesWithTangerine · 22/08/2023 10:31

Suggesting the OP tells her DSis to looks into residential care is quite a big reach. OP, unless you are closely involved with DN don’t do this - not that there was any sign you were going to!

You’ve had a lot of #BeKind advice on here. Almost no-one has asked about the missing dad.

It’s MN, nobody ever mentions the dad if there’s a woman without parental responsibility that they can lay into instead.

Heppygum · 22/08/2023 10:39

Spendonsend · 22/08/2023 09:51

I dont think any of us are in position to say or know how much respite is enough or how much help someone needs. Its not a logical thing. Its about how an individual is coping. My DH had a total nervous breakdown just from the stress of thinking about our SN childs future and dealing with the LA around schools, even though I was the primary carer and he had plenty of respite from actual day to day care, including business trips away from home, he wasnt coping and fell apart. He spent 9 months unable to do anthing but therapy and I wish we"d all understood the emotial side more and how things like perceived rejections of our child impacted him. Respite is about what you need to cope rather than what other people think is average or enough.

I agree with this my dc had complex needs and it was only because of an extreme health event that we now get 2 respite days a month. Sometimes this is enough - sometimes it isn't.

Around ehcp reviews, continuing care paperwork, managing appointments and all the never ending admin it can get overwhelming to the point of burnout. I often need help from family but that time isn't spent on a jolly or even on self care. It's either admin, my own appointments or having a big old cry and being completely frozen. I've had loaded comments from people about how much help my dmil provides me. I always reply with how grateful I am and then rattle of the list of meetings, paperwork and appointments I've had that day. They're always shocked!

My dh is away a lot with work and doesn't deal with the admin/appointment side if things but I'm sure has ptsd from the emotional fallout. I now start panic when we have to go to A and E - he can do this. He starts to get overwhelmed around birthdays and Christmas but I can deal with this.

I think two things are true at the same time here - OP's sister needs support and respite and OP isn't able to safely provide this.

Some of the comments are really shocking. I guess you don't know the reality unless you've lived it.

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/08/2023 10:40

Absent fathers with severely disabled children are hardly remarkable. It’s very very common.

Gothambutnotahamster · 22/08/2023 10:40

YANBU Op - as hard as it is on your sister, its not for you to solve, especially if there is a safety issue.

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/08/2023 10:42

Have you spent any time with your sister at all @Ghostedbyfriend ?

MollyRover · 22/08/2023 10:46

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/08/2023 10:42

Have you spent any time with your sister at all @Ghostedbyfriend ?

It's in the OP.

Countdown2023 · 22/08/2023 10:46

Reads as though you don’t have long left of your holiday in the UK. I think you need to stop worrying and enjoy the last of it with your family.

notlucreziaborgia · 22/08/2023 10:46

Lifeisgood1 · 22/08/2023 10:35

Of course they are entitled to say no but they don't need to be martyrs about it. And yes she does have a lot of support so of course she should be totally grateful for that. Because obviously she doesn't have to deal with overnight, early mornings, evenings. Because it is hard. Amd even when you don't physically have the child with you there's all the paperwork, appointments, respite to organise. Just because she has help for a few hours a day. It's actually exhausting and relentless. whilst she does have a few hours respite a day it's not a proper break. Maybe she's asking for a respite break because she needs it? It's so easy to judge from the outside. If you don't want to do it then say no. But my point was don't say no because its too hard.

But it is too hard for them, and they can decide that because this isn’t a child they are responsible for. Recognizing that doesn’t take negate how hard it is for the sister. They’re not in competition with her.

WedRine · 22/08/2023 10:47

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/08/2023 10:30

Oh we'll just pretend that the needs don't exist so that everyone is included?

You‘ve totally missed the point. No one says of working parents whose kids go to school and have family support with childcare that they’re “fobbing their kids off”, or dumping them, which is exactly the language used to describe a single mum doing what most single mums do. No one suggests they’re “abdicating parental responsibility”. That language is used for parents of disabled children seeking support and respite - or indeed just getting through the working week.

Its disgusting and ableist.

Irrespective of the practicalities of taking the niece, the complexities of care she might need and indeed the OPs desire to not take on that responsibility the comments made about the child’s mum, who is doing what most mums do, is unfair.

How is it ableist to suggest that NT and ND children don't get exactly the same? It's why specialist schools and differentiation with mainstream schools exist? I would have said the same about any parent opting out of being a parent if they'd asked a relative to look after a child for that length of time, been told only if they come, and they'd said no, but take them anyway. The thing is, someone else taking your child on holiday is NOT a normal thing single parents expect or get as standard. The OP's sister has said she won't go on holiday with her child because of her behaviour, which I guess will be around her needs, yet expects the OP, who has less experience with SN and less of a relationship than the maternal caregiver, to manage it on top of her own kids. That's not ableist to say that's out of order.

CoffeeBean5 · 22/08/2023 10:49

It sounds like your sister gets a lot of respite if her dd is in school/daycare/respite during the day and mum provides childcare every weekend. She gets child free holidays because her mum provides childcare. So is it just evenings that your sister has her dd? I think you should enjoy your holiday and say no to providing childcare, especially when your sister chooses not to opt for respite because your cottage holiday sounds more fun.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/08/2023 10:51

@WedRine it is ableist to describe the mum as fobbing her children off or abdicating responsibility for her child when no such language is used for parents whose children don’t have those needs who also work, send their kids to school, use family support for childcare.

WedRine · 22/08/2023 10:51

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/08/2023 10:34

The risks are completely different to taking NT children on holiday.

I have two neurodiverse children, I know very well the risks involved and the support they need. Happily no one in my family would suggest I was dumping my kids or fobbing them off or abdicating responsibility for them.

You understand the risks - so you would quite happily send your ND away for a week with a relative who has less experience with caring for their needs, knowing they can't give them all the support they'll need because they'll be juggling their own children too? Oh and they'll be in accommodation away from their normal surroundings and you have no idea how safe it is? Also, just to top it off, it's somewhere you are not comfortable taking them. Because this is what the OP'S sister expects.

YeOldeBuxomWench · 22/08/2023 10:52

I have a SN child with high needs. I do have family willing to take my NT child out 'to give me a break' 😂i think they like to think they are helping me, but they aren't, but they are giving my NT child some attention which I am very grateful for. They help with ND child when I am around which does help, but we never get a break from him and he is likely to get more challenging as he grows. I don't actually think they could handle him very well anyway, so it is probably for the best.

I understand your sisters POV as you are being different with the niece because of her needs, but she should be getting respite from the council and she is being let down by them. Can't you offer to all do something together and give her some time to herself during this? I don't think it's fair for the child to be somewhere where you aren't equipped to deal with her or she feels unwanted anyway.

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