AIBU or is this just rude?

totallybonafido · 2023-08-21T21:41:25+00:00

We have some friends, a family of 4, who have invited themselves over for lunch at the weekend. Just straight out, "how about we come to yours for lunch on Saturday" 😯 I see this as blatant CF'ery, DH doesn't think it's an issue. Not only have they invited themselves, they've also suggested that we invite some other mutual friends too! DH has already agreed to all of this, like a mug 😡. They live in a small flat so never host us, and I don't usually mind that, but it's manners to wait for an invitation!

HappiestSleeping · 21/08/2023 22:44

I'd probably be saying something along the lines of "since we're hosting you guys can bring the food".

Cheeky Fuckers indeed.

DesTeeny · 21/08/2023 22:45

How close are you as friends? We have a couple of very close friends (we're godparents to their children and vice versa) who we see as family rather than friends. They don't drive so every now and again we'll say 'Shall we come round for lunch? We'll bring pudding etc.!'. It's completely normal for our relationship.

HarrietJet · 21/08/2023 22:47

Incredibly cheeky. Your dh is a bloody fool to agree.

YouMustBeHotYourPantsAreOnFire · 21/08/2023 22:47

I think it depends on the friendship tbh.
If you regularly get together and have lunch then it’s just a nice way to arrange another catch up.
Would I be happy with Sarah from work doing this? No.
My friend who I’ve known for 30 years? Absolutely.

Why is DH happy and you not, will it be left to you to do all the work? I hope not!

fivelilducks · 21/08/2023 22:48

You could always say no

Original poster

totallybonafido · 21/08/2023 22:48

Definitely not that close, @DesTeeny !

They're more DH's friends that mine, I'd consider them as acquaintances and wouldn't see them without DH.

Increasingly keen to extricate myself from the acquaintance!

OP posts:

Hummingbird89 · 21/08/2023 22:49

Absolutely depends on the dynamics. My friends/siblings and I do this alllll the time 😂 nobody is offended, it’s definitely not rude or cheeky. We just have that kind of relationship, and all love hosting.
Do you think your guests have this relationship with other people and have wrongly assumed you share their outlook on the situation?

HarrietJet · 21/08/2023 22:49

YouMustBeHotYourPantsAreOnFire · 21/08/2023 22:47

I think it depends on the friendship tbh.
If you regularly get together and have lunch then it’s just a nice way to arrange another catch up.
Would I be happy with Sarah from work doing this? No.
My friend who I’ve known for 30 years? Absolutely.

Why is DH happy and you not, will it be left to you to do all the work? I hope not!

How is inviting yourself and another bunch of people round to someone else's house a "nice" way to catch up?

LemonLight · 21/08/2023 22:49

If it was a close friend or family member it wouldn't bother me at all but if it was someone I wasnt close to then I'd be miffed off. But cheeky they haven't offered to bring anything.

Tinkerbyebye · 21/08/2023 22:50

Just tell dh he is responsible for providing food and entertaining them

Teapleasebobb · 21/08/2023 22:50

Total cheeky fuckers! Any chance you could move the lunch to a nearby pub so you don't have to cook/host? Get dh to pass on the change of plans

Mumof2teens79 · 21/08/2023 22:51

If DH has already agreed did you hear the exchange not? Sounds like it may hbeen more mutual than an out of the blue request.
But if they believe you are good friends, or at least DH is, and can't host themselves then I don't really see a problem with this.

Yourebeingtooloud · 21/08/2023 22:51

I have friends who would do this / I would do this with. They just see the relationship differently to you - and it sounds like they are closer to your DH. He can sort the food etc surely?

Anothernamethesamegame · 21/08/2023 22:52

I personally wouldn’t like this approach and don’t have any friend who make arrangements like this.

I think if someone said “oh it would be great to have lunch at yours again some time and catch up, let us know if you have availability”…….I would find that much leas
annoying than them inviting themselves a specific day. I feel like being forward is fine but it’s generally good manners to do it in a way that gives someone an easy out for declining if they want to.

Do you actually want them to come over. If no and you are worried about continued issue around boundaries I would find a way to cancel it. If you will actually enjoy their company go ahead with Saturday but agree with DH to manage pushing requests like that better in future.

My worry is that with some people it’s give an inch and they take a mile.

JudgeRudy · 21/08/2023 22:52

I think it very much depends how close you are eg if me, my mum and my sister were arranging a meet up I wouldn't feel cheeky suggesting we meet at my sister's. Unless we had specifically agreed to go out for dinner I'd assume my sister would feed us. Me and mum would do the travelling.
I often meet for evening meal at my daughters after work. Sometimes I treat the whole family to a takeaway, but often she feeds me.
Sounds like the arrangements were made with your husband, not you. He doesn't seem to mind.

Thisbastardcomputer · 21/08/2023 22:56

I'd say yes come over and we can go to the pub for lunch

unkownone · 21/08/2023 22:59

I had a ‘friend’ do this. Her kids wanted to use our pool. Though after I cooked lunch/ dessert etc she announced before lunch she needed to take a kid to a bday party—took all kids and didn’t come back leaving us with her husband. Then sent a friend to get him before we’d finished lunch. She messaged after to see if we could do lunch at mine again the following week lol I ignored the message. Shouldn’t be surprised. She wanted me to take a day off work permanently when the kids were little to watch one of her kids so she could do an activity for another 😳. I declined lol.

Rogue1001MNer · 22/08/2023 00:21

I'd just say, great idea, well meet at xxx"(pub/restaurant/cafe)

FictionalCharacter · 22/08/2023 02:36

Tinkerbyebye · 21/08/2023 22:50

Just tell dh he is responsible for providing food and entertaining them

Yep! He’s the one who agreed!

Inviting yourself is something I’ve only seen on MN. I’m gobsmacked that people invite themselves over to people’s houses, for lunch/dinner, to stay, invite themselves on other people’s holidays or even just turn up to the holidays. I was brought up to believe that you wait to be invited, you don’t impose yourself on others. But in MN world it seems to happen all the time.

Sunmoonandstarsforever · 22/08/2023 02:42

suggest they bring the wine, starter and dessert and just do a one pot cook in the slow cooker meal like chilli ……. You’ll probably not have to cook anything as they’ll cancel at the thought of having to bring anything. Some pple are just so cheeky!

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 22/08/2023 02:49

I would say to DH oh that’s nice, what are you planning to serve for lunch? And leave it at that. Then enjoy a nice lunch at home with friends that you didn’t have to make.

Tara24 · 22/08/2023 02:52

Depends. We have friends where I wouldn't think twice if they said this as we are close and the expectations on us would be low. If it were people other than them, I'd find that cheeky.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 22/08/2023 03:32

Tell DH that they have mistaken you for someone hospitable. Perhaps they said they were going to be nearby and he said "Come for lunch"? Tell DH to sort out hosting and food!

beanii · 22/08/2023 13:36

HarrietJet · 21/08/2023 22:49

How is inviting yourself and another bunch of people round to someone else's house a "nice" way to catch up?

Show quote history

It's nice because you've invited yourself somewhere knowing you'll be fed/watered with no hassle 🤣

If it were me, I'd go out for the day and leave them to it.

Star0Fire · 22/08/2023 13:55

DesTeeny · 21/08/2023 22:45

How close are you as friends? We have a couple of very close friends (we're godparents to their children and vice versa) who we see as family rather than friends. They don't drive so every now and again we'll say 'Shall we come round for lunch? We'll bring pudding etc.!'. It's completely normal for our relationship.

@DesTeeny random but is your username based on a book character?