Page 4 | AIBU or is this just rude?

5128gap · 23/08/2023 09:07

Honestly this really is between you and your husband. He's done this.
So how you respond is really down to how much his disregard for your preferences annoys you.
Mildly, then a reminder not to do it again and an agreement from him that he does the heavy lifting to entertain them.
Seriously because he makes a habit of it, then opt out and leave him to it. Personally I'd have to be very annoyed with my partner to embarrass him and cause future issues with his long term friends by just going out (there is no way you can absent yourself without it causing a stir). But that's really up to you and how much of a big deal his behaviour here is.

Adelyra · 23/08/2023 09:12

That's completely normal in my culture. In fact inviting one's self is a mark of a close bond.

If they are mucking in and you are not expected to run around after them, YABU.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 23/08/2023 10:01

Very cheeky
Say you've been extremely busy and don't feel up for hosting, can you meet at a local pub instead

Awkwardone · 23/08/2023 10:31

I would be delighted if friends did this to me!

Lalalalala555 · 23/08/2023 15:37

If your close friends it's a sign of a close relationship.
If you're not really close, then it's rude.

Its upto you to be assertive and say no your not hosting on Saturday.
Or say you were not planning to host in Saturday but as they suggested, could they sort the food.

Or just roll with it and see what happens.

I have a few very close friends that would suggest coming to mine vs theirs sometimes. But we knew eachother for 30+ years. And it's about being pragmatic.

However, it really does depend on the conversation. And it is totally okay for you to say no. It doesn't work this weekend.

Lalalalala555 · 23/08/2023 15:45

Your husband's in the wrong here.
He should have said well I need to consult my partner first.

A quick way to solve these questions is, no sorry I don't fancy that but we could come to yours.

Just be more assertive.
:)

Fraaahnces · 23/08/2023 15:45

Two things you could do. Tell DH he’s a dick and he has some responsibility for budgeting, shopping, storing food, cooking every fucking thing, setting the table and doing the cleaning up
or
Gastric Flu late Friday evening….

Fraaahnces · 23/08/2023 15:46

Oooh - a third thing you could do. Go out by yourself and leave the silly bugger wondering WTF he’s going to do.

Mummaoffour1234 · 23/08/2023 18:00

This is beyond rude. You have every right to say you’re not feeling up to it - how about meeting at a pub or in the park for a picnic? Otherwise ask people to bring a dish for a buffet style lunch.

JudgeRudy · 23/08/2023 20:57

"that’s big of you to “do the traveling”...I'll assume that's sarcasm.

Well most people don't enjoy travelling. It's a 90 -120mins journey each way which is a chore. When my 'host' is putting her feet up after tea, lounging around in her slippers and finishing the bottle of wine, and picking at tasty leftovers, Im stone cold sober negotiating the return journey. Theres the cold, the traffic and l drop everyone off first before I get back to the cold house. I think it's a pretty fair swap. Often it really is an effort, but we do it because we care.

YerArseInParsley · 24/08/2023 00:26

totallybonafido · 21/08/2023 22:41

We have some friends, a family of 4, who have invited themselves over for lunch at the weekend. Just straight out, "how about we come to yours for lunch on Saturday" 😯 I see this as blatant CF'ery, DH doesn't think it's an issue. Not only have they invited themselves, they've also suggested that we invite some other mutual friends too! DH has already agreed to all of this, like a mug 😡. They live in a small flat so never host us, and I don't usually mind that, but it's manners to wait for an invitation!

"how about we come to yours for lunch on Saturday"

So they asked? That's a question, you could have said no I've got plans. You could say we will come to u next time.

You say it's your husbands friends, is he not allowed to have his friends over? Would this be the same reaction if it was your friends? * *

Screamingabdabz · 24/08/2023 00:30

Fraaahnces · 23/08/2023 15:46

Oooh - a third thing you could do. Go out by yourself and leave the silly bugger wondering WTF he’s going to do.

This would be my approach. Day to myself out shopping. Leave him to it.

Catza · 24/08/2023 08:10

There is not enough information in your post to make any sort of judgement. We’re you there when conversation happened? What was the context? Did they offer to bring anything? As always everyone on here made baseless assumptions whereas in fact it may well have been that your husband had a discussion with them, they went through all the available options and then a natural suggestion was to come to yours and they would bring XYZ. He likes his friends so he didn’t think it was out of bounds. You don’t like his friends so think them rude.
Worst case scenario, you weren’t there at all when the conversation happened and simply made an assumption of what was said based on your husband’s account of the conversation

caodha · 24/08/2023 10:33

Yes meet at pub or restaurant they are cheeky

novalia89 · 24/08/2023 14:48

JudgeRudy · 23/08/2023 20:57

"that’s big of you to “do the traveling”...I'll assume that's sarcasm.

Well most people don't enjoy travelling. It's a 90 -120mins journey each way which is a chore. When my 'host' is putting her feet up after tea, lounging around in her slippers and finishing the bottle of wine, and picking at tasty leftovers, Im stone cold sober negotiating the return journey. Theres the cold, the traffic and l drop everyone off first before I get back to the cold house. I think it's a pretty fair swap. Often it really is an effort, but we do it because we care.

I thought the exact same. I live in a different city now and my friends and sisters tbf are always inviting me to their's because they can't be arsed with the travelling. The least my friends can do is give me a drink and a slice of pizza/some snacks/sandwich because they aren't the ones spending 2 hours travelling there. Again I have to remain sober or it's multiple trains and a bus to get there.

So I hope that was sarcasm. There is a reason also why I suggested a film night in my house and some different friends suggested that they were going to have one in their's too. People are lazy and staying at home is often eaiser when it's something casual.

MrsZargon · 24/08/2023 16:56

Personally I would see this as a compliment. I always want friends to feel comfortable inviting themselves round, but in doing so I also maintain that they need to help themselves when they are here. Just ask everyone to being a contribution for the lunch and tell them that they are expected to refill their own glasses and pitch in with the tidying up. Don’t stand on ceremony or make any special preparations, just something simple and let everyone relax enjoy each others company x

AuntMarch · 25/08/2023 15:03

It is a bit cheeky, but DH agreed so you can only really complain about him now - and make sure he is the one actually hosting!

It isn't unusual in my close group of friends - most recently my friend would suggest lunch at mine when I didn't have a car for a while... we did just get the kids mcdonalds though, she wasn't asking me to cook or anything!

While I'd not be thrilled in the context you've given, they are DHs friends, he should be able to agree to them coming IF he is not expecting you to do all the work.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/08/2023 15:27

Did they show up yesterday? What did you do @totallybonafido ?

Original poster

totallybonafido · 27/08/2023 15:52

They did! I mellowed a little when they brought most of the food with them. And no i didn't run about after them. I still think it's rude to invite yourself though! And they also brought one of their mothers, who had never been mentioned and who we'd never met before!🙄

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 27/08/2023 16:30

totallybonafido · 27/08/2023 15:52

They did! I mellowed a little when they brought most of the food with them. And no i didn't run about after them. I still think it's rude to invite yourself though! And they also brought one of their mothers, who had never been mentioned and who we'd never met before!🙄

They brought their MOTHER with them????

At least they came bearing food, but that's mad they brought their mother! 😆😆😆😆😆