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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this just rude?

95 replies

totallybonafido · 21/08/2023 22:41

We have some friends, a family of 4, who have invited themselves over for lunch at the weekend. Just straight out, "how about we come to yours for lunch on Saturday" 😯 I see this as blatant CF'ery, DH doesn't think it's an issue. Not only have they invited themselves, they've also suggested that we invite some other mutual friends too! DH has already agreed to all of this, like a mug 😡. They live in a small flat so never host us, and I don't usually mind that, but it's manners to wait for an invitation!

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 22/08/2023 18:42

I don't know why you're even considering this. Just reply saying you're busy all weekend or you don't fancy spending the day in the kitchen or something's come up. Say anything at all!

Seeleyboo · 22/08/2023 18:43

You go out for the day and leave hubby to it. Simples

L1ttledrummergirl · 22/08/2023 18:46

Lunch sounds OK. A loaf of bread, a packet of ham and some supermarket crisps with a jug of water. They can make their sandwiches themselves on paper plates with plastic cutlery.

DesTeeny · 22/08/2023 18:50

Star0Fire · 22/08/2023 13:55

@DesTeeny random but is your username based on a book character?

Show quote history

It is, love a bit of sci-fi (if we're thinking of the same book!)!

RaininSummer · 22/08/2023 19:00

It does seem cheeky but what's all this talk of 3 courses and cases of wine for lunch. Pizza or sandwiches, or soup and cheese will do surely. They can bring a sweet treat for afterwards.

GalileoHumpkins · 22/08/2023 19:07

There's a weird subset of people on mn who claim they love it when anyone turns up uninvited.
Yes, we'd gone to bed, yes, it was two in the morning but Roy and Hayley were passing and just thought they'd pop in. We were thrilled and honoured that they'd thought us worthy of their attention, we immediately got the airfryer on cooking chips for everyone, opened a bottle of Lambrini and partied like it was 1999. It's just not normal.

FinallyHere · 22/08/2023 19:47

how about we come to yours for lunch on Saturday

The answer is obviously 'how about you take us to the Ritz for lunch first '. Insert fabulously attractive and commensurately expensive treat of your choice.

Honestly, if you want them to visit, say yes. If not, see above.

Use your words.

Ah, just read further and realised that it was your DH agreed.

Without checking with you.

I love hosting but would have nothing to do with this event. I might even be out and arrive back in time to throw them out say goodbye. And leave the clearing up to DH. And if he were foolish enough to say 'but I did all the work' remind him that he agreed and did not ask you in advance so you could genuinely have said no.

I love hosting, sometimes plan things with DH and sometimes do not involve him. When I don't involve him, it is on the understanding that he is welcome as a guest and perfectly free to escape upstairs and meet no-one.

Fair's fair.

Doone21 · 22/08/2023 20:28

Maybe they got fed up of waiting. Its quite simple tho. You just say you don't Want to cook and meet at pub for lunch intead or tell them you have prior commitments.
I don't understand why people don't just say if they're unhappy with something.

Bandyarsia · 22/08/2023 21:02

I think inviting yourself ANYWHERE is the absolute epitome of ill breed rudeness.

Bandyarsia · 22/08/2023 21:02

*bred

5128gap · 22/08/2023 21:42

Maybe they had the sort of relationship with your husband where this would be fine (it really is for some people and is reciprocal) and assumed his wife would be similarly minded. Presumably though your DH would know that's not the case, and that you'd consider it rude and inconvenient, so it was on him to set them straight. Its him you need to be annoyed with.

YorkshireLucy · 23/08/2023 06:32

totallybonafido · 21/08/2023 22:41

We have some friends, a family of 4, who have invited themselves over for lunch at the weekend. Just straight out, "how about we come to yours for lunch on Saturday" 😯 I see this as blatant CF'ery, DH doesn't think it's an issue. Not only have they invited themselves, they've also suggested that we invite some other mutual friends too! DH has already agreed to all of this, like a mug 😡. They live in a small flat so never host us, and I don't usually mind that, but it's manners to wait for an invitation!

I hope if your husband has agreed to all this, that he will be the one doing all the prep and cooking.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 23/08/2023 06:57

Can't he just call them back, and tell them which course/ items to bring? And the same with any other 'mutual friends' who have now been invited? Or tell them it's a pot-luck. If they don't bring stuff, there won't be anything.

He can decide what he'd like to contribute to this meal - could be something simple (eg a pot of soup) or bought in (eg some of those 3-for-£5 'party food' boxes from Iceland) - and he can do all the prep/ cleaning-up.

You get to decide if you'd like to be there at all, or go out that day, or just hang out in a different part of the house and waft in for the food then leave again... He's the host.

Janieforever · 23/08/2023 07:13

Just go out, your husband is happy, it’s his friends, no need for ill feeling. No need for you to be there.

MaggieDoyle · 23/08/2023 07:22

I think you have 4 options:

  1. you’re right, it would be great to catch up. I’m not really up for hosting at the moment but how about meeting at restaurantX at timeY.
  2. talk to DH and make him cancel
  3. do nothing and accept that this is happening (and you’re allowing it to)
  4. leave DH to it. Make plans with a friend, visit family, shopping, etc. Don’t help out with planning, cooking, hosting.

If i liked the people then I’d go with option 1. If I couldn’t get over the rudeness/don’t want to waste a day with them then I’d go with option 4.

Z1hun · 23/08/2023 07:26

I think this is becoming more common because its happened to me recently too. I was aghast and genuinely busy when they suggested coming over (and they have a bigger house than me so that wasn't the issue) I just politely declined. And house size isn't necessarily an issue, you collectively can order a take away or meet in a restaurant so not unreasonable.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 23/08/2023 07:31

So what's your DH cooking for them, as he's agreed to all this?

rainbowstardrops · 23/08/2023 07:34

I'd either go out and leave him to it.

Tell him that as he agreed to it, he can sort it all.

Go to a pub for lunch.

It's CFery in my opinion but your DH was a dick for agreeing to it without checking with you first.

MzHz · 23/08/2023 07:34

Book lunch in a pub and each pays for their own. BE CRYSTAL CLEAR WITH H ON THIS

AngelinaFibres · 23/08/2023 07:36

If we have visitors who are more to do with my husband than me then he sorts out all the food,drinks etc. I used to do it when he was working in his very stressful job. Once he retired that stopped. It's brilliant

MzHz · 23/08/2023 07:37

My sis invited herself to lunch once

cancelled on the morning she was due to come

my h was livid on my behalf and told me to tell her how rude it was

i didn’t really want to but he said HED tell her if I didn’t. She totally tried to gas light me

seems that apple didn’t fall far from our mothers tree.

JapaneseSlipper · 23/08/2023 07:38

JudgeRudy · 21/08/2023 22:52

I think it very much depends how close you are eg if me, my mum and my sister were arranging a meet up I wouldn't feel cheeky suggesting we meet at my sister's. Unless we had specifically agreed to go out for dinner I'd assume my sister would feed us. Me and mum would do the travelling.
I often meet for evening meal at my daughters after work. Sometimes I treat the whole family to a takeaway, but often she feeds me.
Sounds like the arrangements were made with your husband, not you. He doesn't seem to mind.

😂

that’s big of you to “do the traveling”

Fabulousdahlink · 23/08/2023 07:42

I'd wait until the day before..ring/ email saying it's been a busy week and suggest you all meet for Sunday lunch in the local pub and all pay for yourselves " then no one needs to cook but we can still all enjoy a catch up" see how quick they drop out !

Sennelier1 · 23/08/2023 07:47

YANBU Ask them what they will be bringing for lunch so you know what nót to buy. I would offer drinks&desert, they can bring the food. Tell them to arrange the shopping list with the other friends they want you to invite.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 23/08/2023 08:10

That’s normal here, you suggest meeting at someone’s house for lunch/dinner/drinks/whatever, they say yes or no, if yes then you’ve got a plan, if no it’s on them to suggest an alternative plan.