Advice on MIL

[Maxmadgiraffe]

Opinions please!
My lo is 6 months old, and I normally put her down to bed when I can tell she is tired which is normally 730ish
She'll go to sleep then by herself and sleep through the night, not crying as she's overtired etc - she's a happy baby
And that makes me a happy mummy

However
My MIL thinks this is ridiculous as she says her children didnt have a bed time and she made them fit in with her, if she was out they were out
she always invites us to go round in the evening, or if we go earlier makes it impossible for us to leave to get back in time for babies 'bedtime' because i feel like shes trying to make a point
This results in baby crying and not settling down all because shes tired

MIL says I am letting the baby dictate my life and if I want to stay out I should make baby stay up and she 'doesn't care' if baby cries it doesn't bother her and I should just ignore her

But it bothers me, I don't feel like baby should be crying simply because she's tired and not allowed to go to bed
I feel like MIL is dictating my life, not the baby
Or is she right? Am I being over sensitive to her crying

So she thinks that having an overtired, crying baby who won’t settle & is tired & grumpy the next day is worth it to…. spend an extra couple of hours in her company. Deluded or what?

Just don’t go to her’s in the evening, go for lunch at the weekend instead. Or she comes to you during the week. But frankly I’d be using the baby’s teething/ diarrhoea/ slight temperature as an excuse to send DH on his own.

Your MIL is batshit. Babies need routine. You've got a really good one going mama!

She sounds strangely cruel - she really wouldn't care about a tired baby who just wants her bed?!

Don't leave your baby alone with her.

You could say, the result of that is that she has a son who can’t stand up for himself!!

Granny needs to fuck off

Your DH needs to grow a pair. Your baby, your choice in how you raise her. I'd leave him with his mammy while you get yourself home and put your baby to bed at the time you choose.

So stop making it easier.
He's throwing you under the bus because she's more hard work. So be harder. Make it so he turns to her and tells her to go along with you to make it easier.

Also I would tell your DH that due to her antics and his lack of spine you will no longer be putting yourself in a position where she pulls these stunts. So no more dinner at hers. No more visits where she controls the end. He can go. You won't.

After a few times the blame will fall to you.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

but he's had a life time of shit like this

I was nearly 60 before I was able to break the habit of appeasing my mother. And that was only because she was weak and in a wheelchair at that point, and the scared child in me realised she couldn't even attempt to control me any more.

Women will sympathise with me and understand, because I'm a woman. But a man? He'll get called all the names that DH had been called here. Mummy's boy, wet lettuce, namby pamby etc.

Tell her you will do as you please it is your baby and simply just leave before baby's bedtime, stand firm get up to leave say your goodbyes and go, don't let her call the shots. X

I don’t think it was that different 30 years ago . This is about respect and control
I am a Grandma . We brought our babies up as we saw fit and based on the advice professionals gave us at the time .
Things have moved on and now it’s your turn and your rules . Grandparents need to respect that .
I work around my DGD needs - making sure meals are ready when my DD requests & they leave when they wish . I want to see my DD and DGD happy & relaxed not stressed and tired .
Shes trying to regain control and this will only escalate if you don’t stand firm .

I think you need to have a chat with your husband. If you let this continue it damages your relationship too much. Just keep it simple so that he gets it.

The key line in one of your messages @Maxmadgiraffe is this one:
"My husband just says to go along with what she says because it's just easier"

Except it isn't.
Your baby isn't easier the day after such an excursion to his mother's because their internal clock is all messed up, just because his mother wants it to be so.

You know your baby. If you brought your baby and if dinner was on the cards but MiL hadn't served it up by a certain time, leave. Be firm in that "No, Jane, we are leaving now. For the moment, Baby needs their sleep and we don't know how long that will continue for. We'll all see you again soon" and just leave.
The worst case scenario is that she will have to eat leftovers for a few more days than originally planned. She'll get all huffy that you're being silly but you know your child best. Before too long, you could have 'sleep' trained MiL not to invite you when your baby needs sleep. There is every possibility that when your baby reaches the age of 18 months or 2 yrs old that they will be waking up in the middle of the night (hopefully not) and then you will most graciously accept MiL's very generous offers of meals out etc.

MIL sounds jealous that it is your time and is spreading poison because it interferes with her life.

Keep as you are.

Ah, The Rift. The way a man trains a woman to comply.

Stand your ground. Next time say you arent going as she doesnt respect your boundaries but he is welcome to take baby alone. Ty subtly first. When he suggests it, either bail last minute with a headache and insist he goes and takes baby or say "what a coincidence, my friend has invited me over, you can take baby and I'll visit friend."

As soon as he has t dead wtiha crying baby and mummy cant captivate her darling son's attention, she will back off and DH will learn.

I just wouldn’t agree to go round in the evenings until she and your dh have got the message that you’ll leave when it’s baby’s bedtime.
If she invites you round say sorry I’m not able to come out in the evenings but dh can come by himself. Then it’s up to him what he does.
Be clear with your husband that you’re not arguing about this any longer and you won’t be visiting his mother at bed time either

I am with you OP your MIL is just trying to prove a point that she knows best and must get her way even if it is at yours and your babies expense.

I had to put up with comments like this from my MIL and when mine were babies and even when they were a little older. When we visited them (as they lived 3 hours away) she would insist on booking a family meal out at 8.30pm and insist the babies or kids would be fine. We just said its ok we’ll get the kids to bed and order a takeaway. Then we had calls about what time to book a meal and we always said between 6 and 7 then the kids aren’t too hungry, too upset etc. But still she would come back and say the latest time I could get in was 7.30pm so DaddyLongLegs will just have to suck it up as I don’t like going out early I like to go out at a proper time. She would then try and drag it out by talking and taking ages to order and always insist on ordering three courses plus a coffee liqueur (and she expected us to wait no matter how upset the children were). But most times we had a car full so left early she soon got the message.

Our two were like this as babies and whilst it was a bit tying sometimes especially compared to how some parents raise babies and kids keeping them up until goodness knows what time etc. It was freeing as we always had our nights to ourselves and we all felt refreshed after a good nights sleep (especially as we had no family support). MIL never once changed a nappy etc but she liked to give tight almost suffocating cuddles that our two didn’t like.

Ignore MIL and do what works for you and your little one.

You know you're right OP. You're super lucky to have a baby who sleeps through and you know what needs to be in place to make that happen. Make clear that bedtimes are non negotiable. If she can't respect that, she doesn't get to see her GC.

My mil used to take ds's toys off him and shove a coaster in his hand... In her opinion he should be content with that so that's all he was getting.. She was fucking weird.... Some are. So you parent your dc and let mil flounce op. She is a grown up why should you give a shit??

You have a fantastic routine going. I would have been thrilled if my DC slept through the night at 6 months. Don’t upset a good thing by feeling you have to appease mil. Your DH can go to mill’s on his own. If she wants to see her DGC, she plays by your rules. She’s had her turn at motherhood, it’s yours now.

@Escapingafter50years that's a great series I also listened to some last night.

However I could not find anything about mils. Is it within another episode your link is generic

The easiest way to deal with this is refuse ALL visits in the evening going forward and tell your MIL and your wuss husband YOU will be putting your child first and leaving before 6pm.

Unfortunately OP, sadly, you have chosen poorly in your husband and unless you really toughen up you are in for a life of stress and bullying by them both.

Do NOT have another child with him while he is like this.

I hope you have good family support?

If you do, consider packing a bag and going to stay with them for a break.

Your MIL is not your childs parent.
Her views do not count.

In my life the women that came out best of your situation were the one's who were prepared to leave their marriages.

Their husbands were told to either shape up or the marriage was over, and they really meant it.

This issue will not change.
She will interfere and she will try to take over your parenting.

Fight fire with fire by asserting yourself now or this IS your future.

I am so sorry.

Oh, and if he starts giving you the silent treatment because you won't do as he wants, against the best interests of your baby?

Then he is abusive.

So be very clear on that point.

@Odingodof Sorry, don't know what's happening, the link seems to work ok on a laptop but maybe going to the overall series on a phone? In any case, it's episode number 30, called One Way Street. The letter starts a bit later than usual, at 15:25. It's a different situation from the OPs but similar in that the letter writer's MIL is insisting on having things her way, so I thought it might be interesting for her to hear what the podcasters have to say about MIL/DIL relationships.

!! Thank you

@Escapingafter50years
Listening to it now
Thank you