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Original poster

Advice on MIL

112 replies

Maxmadgiraffe · 21/08/2023 20:22

Opinions please!
My lo is 6 months old, and I normally put her down to bed when I can tell she is tired which is normally 730ish
She'll go to sleep then by herself and sleep through the night, not crying as she's overtired etc - she's a happy baby
And that makes me a happy mummy

However
My MIL thinks this is ridiculous as she says her children didnt have a bed time and she made them fit in with her, if she was out they were out
she always invites us to go round in the evening, or if we go earlier makes it impossible for us to leave to get back in time for babies 'bedtime' because i feel like shes trying to make a point
This results in baby crying and not settling down all because shes tired

MIL says I am letting the baby dictate my life and if I want to stay out I should make baby stay up and she 'doesn't care' if baby cries it doesn't bother her and I should just ignore her

But it bothers me, I don't feel like baby should be crying simply because she's tired and not allowed to go to bed
I feel like MIL is dictating my life, not the baby
Or is she right? Am I being over sensitive to her crying

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 21/08/2023 21:51

Tell him having sex with him with the cord still attached it difficult.. And unattractive..
Urgh..
Make the visits drop ins op. No meal times.. No evening visiting..

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 21/08/2023 21:52

Or tell dh mil can spend as much time as she wants with her own 'baby'...
When he moves in with her...

takealettermsjones · 21/08/2023 21:54

There are always threads like this and I always wonder the same thing: why is the husband happier to deal with a crying baby, broken sleep, and a pissed off wife than deal with his mother, who (normally) doesn't even live in the same house? I mean just practically speaking, he can just not answer the phone to his grumpy mother. A crying, wakeful baby causes misery for the whole house. Weird priorities, even without the whole, y'know, wanting to be a good father and meet your baby's needs thing.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 21/08/2023 21:57

Just ignore her and get up and leave. She did what was right for her, you do what is right for you.

And as for dh, stop letting him think that upset wife is easier than upset mum. Remind him who is family is, who he lives with.

Lavender14 · 21/08/2023 21:57

Mil is definitely out of order. Next time she invites you round just say sorry but we know you'd prefer us to stay later which we just can't do at your house. Why don't you come here instead for dinner so baby can go down at 7.30 and she can stay on and have a cuppa. That way you're still keeping the peace while holding your boundaries and she can't say you're not including her.

I can see why that would cause tension between you and your dh. You're right in that your dh has probably grown up acclimatised to her nonsense and probably still fears her reaction to an extent even though he's grown now. But he does need to back you up. It's not about keeping his mum happy any more it's about him as a parent putting his child first above everyone else.

My ds would have slept anywhere we went in his pram which was great until he got to around the 6 month mark. And then he really needed the help to wind down enough to nap during the day and definitely needed a consistent routine and bedtime in order for him to have a decent night sleep. Every child is different and perhaps that really was her experience with your dh as a baby, but it's unrealistic for her to think that all babies are like that. You're doing the right thing putting your baby first op.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/08/2023 21:58

Maxmadgiraffe · 21/08/2023 21:48

@YetMoreNewBeginnings
I did leave without him on Thursday
It just causes a rift between us though
It does come down to him too though as he should stand by me and his daughter
I think deep down he knows that, but he's had a life time of shit like this

Good.
He causes a rift anyway. So at least this way you only have to deal with the rift, and not the upset baby.

It’s time he stands up and makes sure his Dd doesn’t have a lifetime of the shit like that. Hopefully he’ll realise that once you’ve left a few times

mummybear247 · 21/08/2023 21:58

Do what is best for ur baby keep with ur bedtime u have for her and say to MIL sorry can't do evenings anymore and if she don't like it then that's her problem and say to ur other half that he can go on his own....I'm the same as u if baby is tired off to bed they go no need to keep a tired baby up and upset them and then takes u so much longer to settle them x

Original poster
Maxmadgiraffe · 21/08/2023 21:58

I just need to grow a pair and stand up for my baby and my own sanity really don't I

OP posts:
Poivresel · 21/08/2023 21:58

takealettermsjones · 21/08/2023 21:54

There are always threads like this and I always wonder the same thing: why is the husband happier to deal with a crying baby, broken sleep, and a pissed off wife than deal with his mother, who (normally) doesn't even live in the same house? I mean just practically speaking, he can just not answer the phone to his grumpy mother. A crying, wakeful baby causes misery for the whole house. Weird priorities, even without the whole, y'know, wanting to be a good father and meet your baby's needs thing.

It's FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.

Op you need to put yourself first, if your mil knows you won't take her shit she'll either have to rein it in or see less of you.
Don't fall out with your dh just tell him that if he won't deal with his dm you will.

Original poster
Maxmadgiraffe · 21/08/2023 22:01

@Lavender14
Oh no she just said that she would leave my husband to cry when he was baby in a room where she couldn't hear him or up the garden until he wore himself out
Just madness to me

OP posts:
DesTeeny · 21/08/2023 22:03

Maxmadgiraffe · 21/08/2023 21:31

It's just easier for him to deal with a crying baby and a pissed off wife than his mother not getting her own way!
Sad really

Well, make it so that isn't the case! Make yourself difficult. You need to be able to prioritise your little family and MIL needs to recognise that your family comes first.

DH needs to grow a backbone, and as hard as it is, so do you. Dinner isn't ready? Oh well, the thought was nice but we need to get back so we'll have a takeaway. DH won't leave because MIL doesn't want you to? OK, I'll take the car and take baby back home, you can get a taxi when you're ready.

FreeRider · 21/08/2023 22:23

My mother still jokes about how myself and my two brothers - very close in age, only 4 years between us all - were complete control freaks about going to bed at 7pm....and this lasted until I was probably about 7. Luckily at the time she only had my maternal grandmother/uncles around, who thought it was funny that we basically demanded to be put to bed at a set time. They shifted meal times etc to accommodate us, there was never any hard feeling about it and it made my parents life a lot easier and visits to my grandmother/uncles happy ones.

Your MIL AND your husband need to be told it's not negotiable.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 21/08/2023 22:25

Given your update she is fuming you are managing motherhood better than she did!

PlayedCatsEyeMarbles · 21/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn’t visit with the baby.
Life is too short to put up with stupid people

Escapingafter50years · 21/08/2023 22:35

Your DH has been trained by MIL to put her needs above everyone else's, or there will be hell to pay.

So the (probably unconscious) worry of upsetting her far outweighs any concerns about upsetting you or your little baby.

It will not be easy to get him to see this unfortunately. It will mean recognising he has been abused all his life, by someone who he thinks he loves and who he thinks loves him.

But I would suggest you educate yourself about narcissistic behaviour.

Have a listen to this episode from the excellent Insight - Exposing Narcissism podcasts
uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2/30-one-way-street
"This week Katie and Helen look at the relationship between a Mother and Daughter in Law, and how the Daughter in Law is being scapegoated by her MIL for 'stealing' the son.
They look at where the boundaries are and how to change the dynamic."

There's another episode about Christmas which you may find helpful.

Scottishskifun · 21/08/2023 22:35

Maxmadgiraffe · 21/08/2023 22:01

@Lavender14
Oh no she just said that she would leave my husband to cry when he was baby in a room where she couldn't hear him or up the garden until he wore himself out
Just madness to me

She sounds like my MIL.
Except my DH can't stand the way she behaves either. We have found the compromise of going round in the morning when we visit or for lunch and we will leave when it's nap time.
Your MIL (same as mine) isn't respecting you guys as parents. My children also need routine ok a one off for a event is fine but not regularly.
Just refuse to go and take her if this is the response from your DH

Pacificisolated · 21/08/2023 22:38

God, this is so painful. I don’t know if parents weren’t as bothered by their children’s needs thirty years ago or if it’s just the grandparents who were anti routine themselves who now shout the loudest.
Both sets of DD’s grandparents were shocked we had set nap times and bedtime. His parents in particular would expect to drop in at any time in the day to see DD. The difference was that my other half put his foot down and when they called he would give them an explicit time window in which to visit. Your DH really needs to be more assertive.

Kitkatcatflap · 21/08/2023 22:41

OP - don't be too hard on yourself. Having a baby is such a momentous thing, we all second guess ourselves at some point and that's when other people's negatively becomes an earworm.

How often are you going over there for dinner? Can your DH go by himself to see his mother? It's interesting that your MIL says you are letting the baby dictate your life and but she is doing the same. You are doing a great job, you know your own child.

Good luck OP

Mischance · 21/08/2023 22:43

You have a good routine with your baby that works for you. So here are your choices:

  • tell MIL to piss off! - so tempting!
  • tell her that invitations to her place that disrupt that routine will not be accepted.
  • go to hers and go home at the right time for baby, regardless of whether the meal is finished/ready.
  • invite her to your place instead.
Whatever you decide the golden rule is to ignore her protests - you are going to have to learn to be assertive here!

I am a MIL and I get so pissed off with these pushy MILs as it gets us all a bad name.

Smittenkitchen · 21/08/2023 22:44

I would not go for dinner there. Stick to lunches or her coming to yours. Some people just want to impose their ideas about child-rearing onto new parents. You'll probably find it lessens if you have a second DC and they see that you have your own way of doing things and aren't going to do what they tell you to. I' had a DC this year and the pediatrician in the hospital literally told me "It's pretty much about doing whatever you need to do to avoid them crying, that's how you know you are meeting their needs.," So your system sounds brilliant and her nighttime sleep just great! Ignore the absolute bollocks your MIL is coming out with, don't accept invitations that clash with your routine and feel confident that you know what is best for your daughter and that you are taking great of her.

Codlingmoths · 21/08/2023 22:46

i just wouldn’t go over for dinner anymore. Oh no we can’t do dinner, it’s not working out with baby’s bedtime, and if I have to leave without dinner then I need to make some at home after all.
Husband can go if he wants but you tell him what you think of this! (Obviously occasionally it’s not a big deal him going without you) but you won’t and she needs to find a different time if she wants to see her grandchild.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 21/08/2023 22:47

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 21/08/2023 20:36

At the time you need to leave you just up and leave. Mil used to try offering us more fucking cups of tea.. Dh stood there trying to appease her on why dc needed to go home . While I continued to pack the car with dc and bags. Dh needs to be having a word op.

Your MIL is a cunt. It's your baby don't let your MIL do this.

Mischance · 21/08/2023 22:53

There are no hard and fast rules with baby routines as each is different. You have got settled into a good one for your family and that is great - you have done really well.

I think the basic problem here is that you need to have confidence in your decisions and your routines and not let MIL undermine you and make you doubt yourself. You are right and doing all the right things and she is wrong!! So stick to your guns and ignore her "advice"!

I am grandma age and the things I did with mine bear very little resemblance to how my DDs do things with theirs - but how I did it is a total irrelevance frankly - as is how your MIL used to do things.

Ignore her!!!! And pat yourself on the back for having got your little one content and in a routine that suits you and your DH.

Thelonelygiraffe · 21/08/2023 23:18

She sounds insane. I'd plan things so you're at home, not at hers, for your baby's bedtime. Tell clearly 'I have dc in a good routine. She needs to go to bed at 7. I don't want her crying and being over-tired, so I won't keep her out past this time.'

And your dh needs to stand up to her.

Thelonelygiraffe · 21/08/2023 23:20

Escapingafter50years · 21/08/2023 22:35

Your DH has been trained by MIL to put her needs above everyone else's, or there will be hell to pay.

So the (probably unconscious) worry of upsetting her far outweighs any concerns about upsetting you or your little baby.

It will not be easy to get him to see this unfortunately. It will mean recognising he has been abused all his life, by someone who he thinks he loves and who he thinks loves him.

But I would suggest you educate yourself about narcissistic behaviour.

Have a listen to this episode from the excellent Insight - Exposing Narcissism podcasts
uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2/30-one-way-street
"This week Katie and Helen look at the relationship between a Mother and Daughter in Law, and how the Daughter in Law is being scapegoated by her MIL for 'stealing' the son.
They look at where the boundaries are and how to change the dynamic."

There's another episode about Christmas which you may find helpful.

This.