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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice on MIL

112 replies

Maxmadgiraffe · 21/08/2023 20:22

Opinions please!
My lo is 6 months old, and I normally put her down to bed when I can tell she is tired which is normally 730ish
She'll go to sleep then by herself and sleep through the night, not crying as she's overtired etc - she's a happy baby
And that makes me a happy mummy

However
My MIL thinks this is ridiculous as she says her children didnt have a bed time and she made them fit in with her, if she was out they were out
she always invites us to go round in the evening, or if we go earlier makes it impossible for us to leave to get back in time for babies 'bedtime' because i feel like shes trying to make a point
This results in baby crying and not settling down all because shes tired

MIL says I am letting the baby dictate my life and if I want to stay out I should make baby stay up and she 'doesn't care' if baby cries it doesn't bother her and I should just ignore her

But it bothers me, I don't feel like baby should be crying simply because she's tired and not allowed to go to bed
I feel like MIL is dictating my life, not the baby
Or is she right? Am I being over sensitive to her crying

OP posts:
Original poster
Maxmadgiraffe · 21/08/2023 20:59

Thank you for your advice and reassurance everyone
I feel like it's even a stupid question to ask in the first place as I'm just trying to put my child's needs first!

OP posts:
Valerie23 · 21/08/2023 21:00

You do what is best for your baby.

Shut the old bag up by saying, I'm sure you didn't obey your mother in law when you raised your child and did it your easy, now we are raising our child OUR way. If you accept that then it's best we don't come at all!'

SaulsShitCar · 21/08/2023 21:02

MIL should fuck off, this isn't her child.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 21/08/2023 21:04

Had the very same with my MiL making dinner way later than was agreed. We made clear in advance when we would need to leave to get our son home in time for bedtime and she didn't have anything ready on time. We ended up running over an hour late. I just got up and packed up once we had finished our mains. Didn't stay for pudding just said we had to go as we were now going to be up all night with an over tired baby.

That was a one off and we have not been back for dinner since. Massive row with my husband over it as he said I was rude (which to some extent I was) but I believe in putting boundaries in place early on and sticking to them.

I could be more forgiving if she was genuinely struggling but she had been off work all day and had not done any prep at all and proceeded to spend ages just holding the baby. It was supposed to be a nice gesture to help us out but actually just left us with more work to do

Marwoodsbigbreak · 21/08/2023 21:04

I’m not sure why you’re trying to appease the cowbag!

Just say no, that doesn’t suit us. Don’t elaborate, just repeat.

Original poster
Maxmadgiraffe · 21/08/2023 21:09

I just genuinely feel like it's a control thing
I do try and keep the peace and don't say anything at the time and then me and my husband will argue about it because I feel like he should be the one to stand up for his family and tell his mother
It's not just this, this is just what the current disagreement is about, it's always so fucking tedious

OP posts:
Marwoodsbigbreak · 21/08/2023 21:11

Ah. So you have a DH problem…

Sugargliderwombat · 21/08/2023 21:13

You hit the nail on the head yourself, she is controlling you more than the baby is. I wouldn't go any more if your OH won't tell his mum himself.

Can you offer to host instead?

Acornsoup · 21/08/2023 21:19

Do you have to go often? Do you have a babysitter? If she's insisting on late night could you settle baby and then have your DM sit with her?

Surly DH doesn't like the disruption when you get home. I feel for you, have been there myself Flowers

MrsKwazi · 21/08/2023 21:20

This sounds like a power struggle (on her part). I would just stop engaging. Don’t go over after a certain time, say 4pm. And tell your husband to grow a pair. Start as you mean to go on, the next struggle will be Christmas.

Original poster
Maxmadgiraffe · 21/08/2023 21:23

@MrsKwazi
I'm trying not to think about Christmas
It was hard before we had a baby

OP posts:
Pumpkindoodles · 21/08/2023 21:26

a nice polite and breezy ‘Thanks MIL. I’m going to do what I think, but if I need your advice I’ll ask for it’

Never once worked with my MIL, but god loves a trier

you need DHs support though, he’s going for an easy life for him and his mum right now, with no care for you and your dd.

Olika · 21/08/2023 21:27

How annoying. I never went out in the evenings and I still don't with my now 16 month old. Since she was born I follow her cues and want to make sure she gets her naps and night sleep. She definitely needs a bedtime routine and whatever we do I want to be home by 6pm.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/08/2023 21:28

Two of mine have been awful sleepers - through the night and the next morning was hellish if they weren’t in bed at their time.

I’d suck that up for a wedding or special occasion, but not for a random dinner or weekly thing.

It’s said too often on here, but you have a DH problem. He’s putting his mother before your DD’s well being. Do you need him to leave with you or could you just leave? That’s what I’d do. Tell him beforehand “I’m leaving at X time to put DD to bed” and do it. You’ll argue, but you do anyway. At least you won’t be dealing with an upset baby on top of that!

Tinkerbyebye · 21/08/2023 21:31

Your baby your rules

just stop going, or go in the morning for lunch

Original poster
Maxmadgiraffe · 21/08/2023 21:31

It's just easier for him to deal with a crying baby and a pissed off wife than his mother not getting her own way!
Sad really

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 21/08/2023 21:34

I'm 100% with you. Nothing worse than an overtired baby! It's simply never been worth it to me. It's short lived anyway, because by the time they get to 2/3 their stamina increases a bit and the odd late bedtime doesn't impact as much.

You do what's right for you. She's not the one who has to console an overtired, screaming baby so she has no say in the matter!!

Acornsoup · 21/08/2023 21:34

Happy wife, happy life. Seems like DH needs a reminder Flowers

Mum2jenny · 21/08/2023 21:35

I’d ensure that I could leave your MIL with your child and without your DH if you wanted to put the dc to bed before the MIL served dinner. Then you would be in control and your DH could stay and eat dinner with his DM

FineganFineagain · 21/08/2023 21:41

These sort of situations enrage me. Not particularly diplomatic, but tell her to fuck off! Who does she think she is? This is your child - you call the shots.

Oopsadaisysgranny · 21/08/2023 21:44

Ignore her !! I’m a grandma and would not dream of behaving like this ! You are the mummy you make the rules . If you are going over get dh to ring in advance and check food is being got ready or do it when you are there . If it becomes apparent that it will be late apologise and go home for babies bedtime . I had a mixture of children sleep wise each can be different and only a fool doesn’t allow a baby/child to sleep if they are tired . As the baby gets older they may be happier staying up late occasionally and sleeping anywhere . Who knows just do what is right for your family or send dh to visit alone . Good luck

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/08/2023 21:45

Maxmadgiraffe · 21/08/2023 21:31

It's just easier for him to deal with a crying baby and a pissed off wife than his mother not getting her own way!
Sad really

Can you leave without him?

SaulsShitCar · 21/08/2023 21:45

Your DH is a lazy coward.

No more holidays with MIL.

Original poster
Maxmadgiraffe · 21/08/2023 21:48

@YetMoreNewBeginnings
I did leave without him on Thursday
It just causes a rift between us though
It does come down to him too though as he should stand by me and his daughter
I think deep down he knows that, but he's had a life time of shit like this

OP posts:
BalletBob · 21/08/2023 21:49

Babies need more sleep than adults. Of course when you are a parent your job is to meet your child's needs, as a priority. Sometimes this means sacrificing nights out, if babysitting is not an option and you don't have a baby who settles easily in random environments. Mine never did. This idea of "the baby should just fit in with you" is fine so long as the baby's actual needs are met. It's not intended to override your responsibilities as a parent.

Your MIL is fucking batshit and completely self absorbed. Your husband is a wet lettuce mummy's boy who won't speak up for himself or advocate for his wife and baby. So unfortunately you're going to have to deal with this yourself. I think my solution (if I was for some reason inclined to remain in a relationship with the wet lettuce mummy's boy 🤢) would be to refuse any dinner invitations or invitations at a time that's likely to roll over into bedtime territory (so, pre-4pm?), or I'd refuse all invitations and offer to host at my house instead. The baby would be whisked off to bed at 7pm whether she liked it or not.