Page 3 | Has anyone had a baby via surrogacy?

Computersaysnottoday · 20/08/2023 19:58

I think people’s experiences will also depend on why those chose surrogacy in the first place….those that didn’t want to “ruin” their bodies may regret not carrying a pregnancy in future, those that had no option in order to become a parent probably have a more positive experience in the end. Although both would be open to different issues concerning the toll on their MH.

FWIW, if it’s the former reason of the above - I think it should be illegal.

MBailey99 · 20/08/2023 20:00

Well, you're going to be given people's opinions on here OP because we feel strongly about it. There is a pretty strong case for making surrogacy illegal, which it is in several countries. It is exploitative and people should raise their voices if they feel strongly enough to have it stopped. That includes when individuals post online and are considering it. Ignore the posts if you want to.

mummybear247 · 20/08/2023 20:05

highsexdriveonhol · 20/08/2023 17:46

Posting for traffic as no one replied to the surrogacy area (fully aware probably the worst place to post but need answers!)

Disclaimer: this is NOT a thread about the ethics of surrogacy - please don't come here with posts about how you don't agree with surrogacy blah blah it's not what the thread is for and you'd be wasting your breath.

I'm exploring all routes of starting a family and to be honest, not convinced this route is for me but I feel only right to consider everything before drawing a line.

So I wanted to hear about positive and negative experiences of surrogacy from parents that did this to have a family.

Did it go well or not well for you, would you do it again?

Are there trauma issues for the child in your experience? Did you struggle to bond with the child?

Ideally looking for couple that used their own sperm and egg where possible.

Thanks in advance x

Nope never had a baby this way had them all my self....some people never get the chance to give birth to there own babies so I see it as a chance to help someone if I had the chance too do it I would some may disagree but I don't care what other people have to say it's my body and I will do what I want end of

Clymene · 20/08/2023 20:07

fireflyloo · 20/08/2023 19:58

You're never going to get people who bought a baby from another woman say that it was a big mistake and they're wracked with guilt about it.

Khloe Kardashian has been open about her surrogacy experience and the guilt she felt and difficulties with bonding.

Perhaps she'll come on the thread.

Kdubs1981 · 20/08/2023 20:09

needtonamechangeforthis1 · 20/08/2023 18:26

You won't get a rational response on surrogacy on here.
I've been called a monster several times for even contemplating it.
The majority of women who are against it conveniently already have children and don't understand the sheer and utter heartbreak of being infertile.
The evidence the anti surrogacy brigade use that it's so terribly harmful is weak at best and certainly has no basis in factual scientific research.

I agree with your point that women with children don't understand what it's like to never have have a baby (although plenty have experience of fertility issues). However I'm afraid these women also have a particular insight into what it is like to carry and birth a child and so can understand the trauma of infant separation for both woman and child

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 20/08/2023 20:11

Good luck OP. Pretty much all you'll get is people saying how awful it is and how anyone who 'buys a human' deserves a death sentence.

Having a child is a very emotional and visceral thing. You'll get arguments for and against. People can justify almost anything to themselves if they want it enough. Usually the people who can fall pregnant at the drop of a hat are most against it.

You'll have many saying it's 'buying a human', but they never take into account that people pay for IVF and fertility treatments all the time so really they're also paying for a human. Then you'll get the whole 'but howww can you say thats the same thing' wailing when they're the person that said it was the paying for it 🙄.

There's the whole 'buying someones body'/'people doing it for money not choice' stuff which can equally be applied to sex work. And it's described as a feminist issue that people do this, then you'll have the opposite side claiming feminism is right to choose what to do so these feminists are being anti-feminist.

Then we have the whole palava about who the parents are and whether its traumatic for a newborn to be given to someone other than the person that carried them, even if genetically they are the product of the people they are given to.

There will be better places than mumsnet to do your research, I'd recommend finding one because this is just gonna get messy.

mummybear247 · 20/08/2023 20:13

For one Khole Kardashian has got nannies to look after her kids maybe that's why she didn't bond with him so fast

abstract13 · 20/08/2023 20:14

I'm confused, why does everyone hate surrogacy?

Kdubs1981 · 20/08/2023 20:15

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 20/08/2023 20:11

Good luck OP. Pretty much all you'll get is people saying how awful it is and how anyone who 'buys a human' deserves a death sentence.

Having a child is a very emotional and visceral thing. You'll get arguments for and against. People can justify almost anything to themselves if they want it enough. Usually the people who can fall pregnant at the drop of a hat are most against it.

You'll have many saying it's 'buying a human', but they never take into account that people pay for IVF and fertility treatments all the time so really they're also paying for a human. Then you'll get the whole 'but howww can you say thats the same thing' wailing when they're the person that said it was the paying for it 🙄.

There's the whole 'buying someones body'/'people doing it for money not choice' stuff which can equally be applied to sex work. And it's described as a feminist issue that people do this, then you'll have the opposite side claiming feminism is right to choose what to do so these feminists are being anti-feminist.

Then we have the whole palava about who the parents are and whether its traumatic for a newborn to be given to someone other than the person that carried them, even if genetically they are the product of the people they are given to.

There will be better places than mumsnet to do your research, I'd recommend finding one because this is just gonna get messy.

What a strange analogy. IVF is not buying a human, it's paying to get pregnant and the chance to grow a human. Surrogacy is someone else doing all that for you and you getting the end result

mummybear247 · 20/08/2023 20:15

abstract13 · 20/08/2023 20:14

I'm confused, why does everyone hate surrogacy?

Oh I don't know I think if u can't carry u own child then I'm all for it

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 20/08/2023 20:16

Kdubs1981 · 20/08/2023 20:09

I agree with your point that women with children don't understand what it's like to never have have a baby (although plenty have experience of fertility issues). However I'm afraid these women also have a particular insight into what it is like to carry and birth a child and so can understand the trauma of infant separation for both woman and child

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But that's the arguement. Of course a mother that gave birth to her child would see seperation from her infant as traumatic, couldn't contemplate giving them up. But that's a wanted, likely planned for pregnancy where you've gone through the whole conception and pregnancy experience preparing for the arrival of your child and bonding. But the point of surrogacy is that it wouldn't be her infant and she would have gone through the whole process understanding that the child isn't hers. Child usually genetically unrelated to her too.

You can't argue that its the same thought process, but as I said thats the arguement as to who's child the baby is.

Arrgghhdecisions · 20/08/2023 20:18

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Hoppinggreen · 20/08/2023 20:18

abstract13 · 20/08/2023 20:14

I'm confused, why does everyone hate surrogacy?

Because it’s buying a human, which is wrong

abstract13 · 20/08/2023 20:19

@mummybear247 this is what I've always thought too. I've never seen anyone so angry about surrogacy before

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 20/08/2023 20:20

Kdubs1981 · 20/08/2023 20:15

What a strange analogy. IVF is not buying a human, it's paying to get pregnant and the chance to grow a human. Surrogacy is someone else doing all that for you and you getting the end result

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IVF, fertility treatment and surrogacy are all you buying the chance to be a parent. Just with the first 2 you're paying for the pregnancy and birth experience while surrogacy you go straight to the end. The outcome is the same, you're paying to become a parent.

abstract13 · 20/08/2023 20:20

@Hoppinggreen even if it's someone who can't have kids? And both parties agree to it? I don't get it

HarrietJet · 20/08/2023 20:20

Kdubs1981 · 20/08/2023 20:15

What a strange analogy. IVF is not buying a human, it's paying to get pregnant and the chance to grow a human. Surrogacy is someone else doing all that for you and you getting the end result

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Surrogacy is paying ^someone else" to get pregnant and grow a human; and then hand that human over to you. That's pretty much a definition of buying.

mummybear247 · 20/08/2023 20:24

abstract13 · 20/08/2023 20:19

@mummybear247 this is what I've always thought too. I've never seen anyone so angry about surrogacy before

@abstract13 I know I see it as giving some one that can't have a child a chance to have one and I would do it if couldn't have my own child and I would also put myself forward to help someone else out some people are so nasty x

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 20/08/2023 20:32

Well as someone said earlier that they would have had a baby for their sister but they had a traumatic experience with their dc's birth, well you could have had that experience and then had to give the baby away. Trauma for altruism.

My Bil and Sil did it the birth went badly and the surrogate said never again. This was after the first surrogate had to have an abortion because of birth defects.

Birth, labour and conception had complications with long term effects, it's not fair to ask a stranger to do that on your behalf no matter what you pay them

Hoppinggreen · 20/08/2023 20:33

abstract13 · 20/08/2023 20:20

@Hoppinggreen even if it's someone who can't have kids? And both parties agree to it? I don't get it

I don’t need you to get it. I think it should be illegal
Its unfair on the child and in most cases exploitative, it’s usually wealthy people paying poorer women to do it, often in 3rd world countries.
Its treating a baby like a commodity and a right, they are neither of those things

frippu · 20/08/2023 20:33

I think it's ok if it's family but then think what happens if something goes wrong.

Hamandpeas · 20/08/2023 20:34

I am guessing a lot of people posting here haven't had issues having their own child.

Our GP mentioned surrogacy when we first found out we couldnt conceive. It didnt feel right to me so we went down the adoption route.

We are now 21 years on - I have to admit if I knew then what I know now I would have opted for surrogacy. How our marriage survived two adopted teenagers I will never know.

I love them with all my heart but OMG - the last 12 years have been hard to say the least. Adoption children are more damaged than anyone could ever imagine - don't adopt thinking that's the best way to have a family. You adopt because you want to dedicate your life to sorting that adopted child out - with no guarantee of a relationship at the end of it all.

They are now 23 and 21 and DH and I still have very differing views on parenting traumatised children/adults. Our marriage is still (just) limping along.

frippu · 20/08/2023 20:34

Me and my husband had a baby together - is he a monster because he willingly knew I was risking my life because he wanted a child? Your answer will be no because I was happy to do so and it was agreed together

How on earth is that like surrogacy?

frippu · 20/08/2023 20:35

Khloe Kardashian has been open about her surrogacy experience and the guilt she felt and difficulties with bonding.
clickbait, the Kardashians monetise everything

frippu · 20/08/2023 20:38

IVF, fertility treatment and surrogacy are all you buying the chance to be a parent. Just with the first 2 you're paying for the pregnancy and birth experience while surrogacy you go straight to the end. The outcome is the same, you're paying to become a parent.

It's not the same cause the third also involves someone's else's body.