AIBU to hate daughters useless grandparents???

[plantingacattree]

AIBU to feel so utterly pissed off about the lack of care from my in laws towards their one and ONLY grandchild??
Backstory - back in 2018 I had my daughter. She's now nearly 5.
We had her young, but my partners mother and step father were more than happy for us, supportive of us and couldn't wait to tell everybody that they were going to be grandparents. We lived with them at the time, so they couldn't really not be involved I guess. They wanted to buy her everything leaving us actually not having purchased hardly a thing for our daughter when she was born, as they'd already done it all. I was grateful.. but it meant I missed out on a huge part of having my first child.
As soon as she arrived, they wanted to take her places and show her off to people.. but they would never correct others if they assumed she was their daughter, not granddaughter.
We moved out when our daughter was 1.5 and that's pretty much where it stopped.
The contact has gradually dwindled over the last few years, to the point where they just never contact now. And trust me, we have tried.
I for one dislike them considerably. So does my partner , for many reasons related and unrelated.
I don't care if they don't bother with us, neither does my partner now, we have both given up on them. But AIBU to be so angered by the fact that they just don't seem to care about their granddaughter??
She's due to start school in a couple of weeks... and they've not asked after her at all. Not seen them once in the 6 weeks holidays. It is upsetting!

My ils haven't asked after our ds for over 8 years. Since he was 3 months old to be precise.. Coincidentally ds asked why he doesn't have a dgm and a dgf a few mins ago. I was honest and said because we just don't see them..

Why would you want your child to have a relationship with people neither of you want to have one with no who you both appear to dislike?

just build a life without them

You honestly need to not care which is easier said than done .
My mother in law doesn't give a toss about her two now adult grandchildren and hasn't ever really bothered and actually gets their names the wrong way round which says an awful lot about her .
Let it go and enjoy your child and you'll be a lot happier
But never forget that when she's elderly herself and needs help then show as much interest as she's shown you

My sons nan called him by the wrong name the last time she saw him she called him by dad's girlfriends daughters name he was 13 YEARS OLD at the time he definitely noticed and it definitely hurt

He hasn't seen her since

He is one of her two only biological grandchildren she forgot his brothers birthday too

Nan of the year

@Tinkerbyebye
It's not even that we want them to have a relationship with them really, because the few times she has been there or had a sleepover with her auntie (she's a young girl) she's come back a completely different person. (So we stopped sleepovers)
It's just that it is sad she doesn't have proper grandparents.
I had 2 sets of wonderful grandparents when I was her age (luckily she is very close with my own nan)
And I feel sad she's missing out on what could have been.

@lovemycbf
Oh I completely understand. It is easier said than done though. I just get random waves of immense hatred for them.

They didn't even know how old she was last year. They had a little argument amongst themselves when trying to buy a card (so they told me) so they ended up getting a generic birthday card instead of an age one just incase they got it wrong !!

@Theunamedcat it's so awful isn't it.
I couldn't imagine being so careless.

You don't like them, you hate them, you don't care, but you are expecting them to care? Why are you expecting them to build a relationship with family members who clearly despise them? You may have "tried", whatever that means, but it sounds like you disliked them even when living with them, and that probably showed. Your feelings are abundantly clear even here, so I guess they'd have to be pretty thick to think that you want them around. They sem to have done as you wanted, so don't complain that you got it.

@Banditqueen12 Oh believe me when I tell you they aren't acting this way because of how we feel. They are acting this way because they are nasty selfish people. They gave my partner an awful childhood, welcomed me in (which I am still grateful for) only to completely break my spirit during the process. They have treated us both horrendously. As I said above, it's not even really that we want her to have a relationship with them. Maybe I used the wrong choice of words.
It's that I feel sad my daughter is missing out on having amazing and present grandparents.
I experienced having the best grandparents, and I am sad she won't get the same.

So basically you don't want her to have a relationship with them then? Fair enough. If what you say is true then I wouldn't want them in her life. But what is the point of the thread then? There will be other amazing people in her life, and she won't suffer from having no grandparents in it. My paternal grandmother (after whom I am named and was lovely) died when I was 4, and her husband died when my father was still a child. My maternal grandparents only appeared in my life when I was 12 and I never wanted anything to do with them (grandmother was a bitch). I had relationships with lots of older people though, as I grew up and never missed grandparents. And I have a fantastic relationship with my own grandchildren. It will do her no harm at all.

And you could adopt a granny - there are lots of lovely older people who are lonely and would love some company.

You feel sad that your DD won’t have the same experience of grandparents as you did. That’s OK to feel that way.

Pointless to be mad at them, though - you say they’re horrible and gave your DP a horrible childhood so just be grateful you don’t have to expose your DD to that.

Are your parents no longer around?

My sons nan called him by the wrong name the last time she saw him she called him by dad's girlfriends daughters name he was 13 YEARS OLD at the time he definitely noticed and it definitely hurt

How old is she? People’s memory gets worse with age.

DH has considerable word finding difficulties! Me, DD1, DGD and the female cat all have 5 letter names, beginning with the same letter of the alphabet. DH gets us all mixed up! I don’t never speak to him again, because he calls me the cat’s name! Similarly, he gets words in the same category mixed up, so he’ll say he’s putting the milk in the washing machine or oven, when he means the fridge!

Yes, I am concerned he may be getting early onset dementia, as is he!

You complained when they cared too much..

It sounds as though them not being involved is a good thing. Your DP will move on from his abusive childhood much better if he is LC. If they were good grandparents it shows that them being bad parents and emotionally abusive towards you, deliberate. That can leave a person stuck with those feelings of low self worth. This way it just shows that they are shit people.

@NoSquirrels has asked if your own parents are no longer around. There's been no mention of maternal grandparents yet in this thread.
What is the situation with your parents, if I may ask?

I'm assuming that the fact you don't like them means they don't feel welcome. Why would a) they want to spend time in a place where they must know they are disliked b) you want your child to spend time with people you dislike? Are you really saying Why aren't they offering childcare?

If they are as bad as you say, why care at all if they are longer making any effort. Your daughter does not deserve to be part of their life as their nastiness will show itself towards her. Just forget them and live your life.

It sounds to me a bit like they are damned if they do and damned if they don't

I frequently run through all my kids names before I get the right one - I do hope they aren't judging me badly for that

YANBU to feel upset that they aren’t the grandparents you hoped you daughter would have. Though from your description of how they treated you and your partner maybe no contact is the best outcome possible? I suspect when she was little it was all new and they liked the attention a new baby got them and then it wore off.

I’d try to focus on them less and instead put focus on the lovely kind relationships you and your daughter do have.

You complain they cared too much - buying things etc - then complain they don't...

Why do you assume that their function in life is to be useful to you?

Are they quite young grandparents? You mention a young aunt having sleepovers – I assume that's your DP's little sister who lives with them? It might be that they're still so caught up in parenting their own DC that when you moved out it became a case of out of sight, out of mind. Of course that doesn't make it right, but then again you do say in your OP that they took over when your DD was little and you felt you lost out on experiencing stuff as a FTM, so maybe it's not a bad thing they are a bit distant? Lots of threads on MN about MIL taking over all the time!

@NoSquirrels my mum unfortunately is not mentally well, so it's NC between me and her. She also has always gone through multiple male partners, and it was not a good environment for my daughter, so we no longer see her, and in turn, I don't get to see my siblings because of it.

It wasn't that they cared too much, they wanted the attention of others.

@LindyLou2020 I also had a tricky childhood. My mother has always been mentally unwell, I went NC with her when I moved out at 17, tried again for a year to make things better, but after having my daughter, it was clear the environment wasn't right to be bringing my child into. So I went NC again last year and it will be remaining that way. It means I don't get to see my siblings, sadly, as they still live there.
My dad on the other hand remarried. He is successful and we get on well , I also get on with his wife as she has been in my life a long while. They have a large age gap relationship however, so I am much closer to her as a friend than a stepmother..
They are present in i and my daughters life, but not really grandparent roles, if that makes sense.