AIBU to hate daughters useless grandparents???

[plantingacattree]

AIBU to feel so utterly pissed off about the lack of care from my in laws towards their one and ONLY grandchild??
Backstory - back in 2018 I had my daughter. She's now nearly 5.
We had her young, but my partners mother and step father were more than happy for us, supportive of us and couldn't wait to tell everybody that they were going to be grandparents. We lived with them at the time, so they couldn't really not be involved I guess. They wanted to buy her everything leaving us actually not having purchased hardly a thing for our daughter when she was born, as they'd already done it all. I was grateful.. but it meant I missed out on a huge part of having my first child.
As soon as she arrived, they wanted to take her places and show her off to people.. but they would never correct others if they assumed she was their daughter, not granddaughter.
We moved out when our daughter was 1.5 and that's pretty much where it stopped.
The contact has gradually dwindled over the last few years, to the point where they just never contact now. And trust me, we have tried.
I for one dislike them considerably. So does my partner , for many reasons related and unrelated.
I don't care if they don't bother with us, neither does my partner now, we have both given up on them. But AIBU to be so angered by the fact that they just don't seem to care about their granddaughter??
She's due to start school in a couple of weeks... and they've not asked after her at all. Not seen them once in the 6 weeks holidays. It is upsetting!

@CurlewKate not at all. My daughter had multiple sleepovers there. Whilst it was nice to have a night of rest, she always came back a completely different child. And not in a good way. So we sacrificed the time we could get to ourselves occasionally, and put a stop to her staying there. I wouldn't want them to provide childcare. I am just feeling down that my child doesn't get to experience grandparents.

@multisurface yes I do agree slightly. It's not necessarily that I want them to even have a relationship with her. As I said above, I think I chose the wrong wording. It's that I feel guilty that she doesn't get to experience loving present grandparents. I'd like her to be able to have amazing grandparents. But they aren't them.
No judgment for mixing names either! I called my partner mum yesterday !! 😆

@ImNotReallySpartacus where have I implied this ??
They aren't and never have been useful. I don't want their childcare.
My child just doesn't have loving or present grandparents, and I feel sad for her about this. Though she knows no different

It's not that they cared. They wanted the attention from others, as all of their other family are NC with them. And it was a conversation point.
As for buying stuff - they wanted to get the big purchases, and then they could claim how much they did for us etc during disagreements

Sorry if have got this totally wrong but something tells me that most likely you had a falling out with them (overt or feelings of resentment) and this is a result of that. Seems very strange they would be so involved and put so much effort in and then just nothing at all

@Inkpotlover
Yes! They are young grandparents! DD auntie is 11 this year, and has sadly lost interest in my daughter now, which was one of the only reasons they bothered before, it was because DPs sister wanted to see us. But that has stopped.
It is a blessing in disguise, but it does get me down sometimes that it's not all how I imagined.
They sadly aren't caught up in parenting her (although she's always been the favourite) she is 90% of the time left to her own devices, as MIL works days and FIL works nights 🫤

It sounds like they are very strange, controlling people. Who doesn't correct people mistaking their granddaughter for daughter in those circumstances?

Have you and your partner had any counselling to work through the awful things these people have done, OP?

I think you should be relieved they aren't in contact, and work toward being happy about that.

Alot of your language tells me that the breakdown of the relationship was not just one-sided. You're 'successful' dad is her grandparent. Why don't you expect him to step up?

If you both dislike them so much, why do you want them to be in your daughter's life? You call them nasty selfish people, even though it sounds like they did a lot for your daughter. Stop pining for the fairy tale and face reality. If they are as bad as you say, surely having no grandparents is better than having shit ones in her life.

@CantFindTheBeat
They are very very strange.
My partner has a lot of mental struggles, his dad died when he was 10, and he was left with MIL who remarried to a very strange man. The family dynamic is very off and strange between everyone, so we have luckily drifted away.
I just feel sad that they don't acknowledge their granddaughter anymore. Not that I necessarily want them to due to their behaviour.
We've had no counselling. I'm doing much better, since going NC with my own mum. But my partner has some long lasting issues sadly that we are working on getting addressed.
It is a good thing that they are distant in a way, as we don't want her experiencing the same behaviours we had to.

My inlaws bought alot of stuff for my first born and over stepped the mark in many other ways. I am very low contact now. My dcs are older and no e want to actually see them due to their behaviour.

@Sometimeswinning
Not at all, all of their other family members cut them off and went NC due to their strange nasty behaviour a long time ago, we were the last family standing.
We are actually very close with my dads side of the family, and we see them often.
There's not much to "step up" to really. They enjoy seeing her, seeing us, taking her out etc.

@1037370E you are right. Having none is better than having them. I just wish she could have experienced the grandparents I experienced growing up. As mentioned before, they did in theory do a lot (materialistically) but it was only 1.) to get other family members attention , 2.) to post all over Facebook and 3.) to throw back in our faces.

You lived with them, they took you in, they supported you, they brought everything for the child, they wanted to take her places and show her off like proud grandparents, they have had her for multiple sleepovers, they argued between themselves to make sure they got the age right on the card for her. They don't sound like horrible people to me.
The only family you actually deem acceptable is your "successful" dad?
Nah something amiss here.

@Goldcircle
Seems like a similar situation. Overstepping and then low contact , although that may have been your choice?
I should count my blessings 😆

@Bandyarsia if you want to pop over for a coffee I can give you the entire life story 😆
This is purely a thread about their (lack of) involvement in my child's life.
They ruined my poor partner in many ways.
I only mentioned my dad being successful off the back of explaining why I am NC with my mentally ill mother. In comparison, nothing else.

Low contact my choice, dcs are old enough to choose!

@Goldcircle I am glad it's worked out somewhat for you.
I suppose it's reassuring to know that your children are able to make good informed choices about the people they want to spend time with.
It's always a good skill to have. X

You lived with them, they took you in, they supported you, they brought everything for the child, they wanted to take her places and show her off like proud grandparents, they have had her for multiple sleepovers, they argued between themselves to make sure they got the age right on the card for her. They don't sound like horrible people to me.
And your 11 year old niece must have been confused by your disappearance from her life, no wonders she feigns disinterest in your DD (her cousin) now.
I hear you saying that this post refers to you being sad your DD only has one invested grandparent, your successful father, but that is one more than many DC. Maybe your personal struggles with family members has made you feel your DD is alienated from them.

YOU stopped the sleepovers because you said they make your child into a different person???
Your MIL took you in when you left your own home at a very young age, supported your pregnancy, bought everything for your daughter, took her out, you LIVED there supported until she was 1.5 years old. That is NOT being a bad grandparent.
They "RUINED" your partner but you are giving out they have not seen her in the six week holidays? Are you for real.

To be honest, they see what they are like and fi d it really hard to spend time with them.

So he is a grandparent. Good. Try spending your time and energy on what she has. Two parents who love her despite the troubled homes they came from.

The whole sleepover thing is ridiculous. Little ones who go for a sleepover can be a nightmare the next day. To say you sacrificed your down time. A little over dramatic.

Your own grandmother was clearly very important to you growing up, given your relationship with your own mother wasn’t great. So it makes sense that you are mourning this lack of relationship for your DD. For some reason you’re not seeking it on your DD’s behalf from your dad and stepmother, but you don’t seem to hold them accountable for not being the grandparents you might expect.

I’d suggest you might benefit from some counselling- having our own children can bring up issues from our own past, and obviously that’s what’s happening here because you get flashes of anger that these people who you don’t even want as an influence in your DD’s life are not behaving in a way that it’s sort of logically unreasonable to expect them to behave, given their own shortcomings and issues.

I’m sorry so many of the people in your extended families aren’t supports to you, OP. It’s a shitty hand to be dealt. But you can break the cycle for your DD in the future.

I think both you and your partner need counselling. This makes no sense.

When you needed somewhere to live while you were pregnant and had a young baby, you and dp chose to live in with someone who gave him a terrible childhood. And took years to move out.

They did a lot and you weren’t happy. But stayed for years. Now you no longer speak and they don’t do anything and you don’t want them to. But aren’t happy about that either.
You didn’t go to live with the one parent you have a great relationship with. And you somehow have absolved him and his wife of being grandparents because his wife is much younger.

You said you sacrificed alone time with Dp to stop them looking after her. But don’t want a relationship with the one set of grandparents who would do this. But also your dads family is super involved and do take her out so you do get alone time.

I am not saying this to be harsh. I think your feelings are very confused and you are putting all your anger in their direction when there’s quite a lot of past issues both you and your partner have. Your emotions are so mixed up it’s easier to blame them for everything and put the anger there. When you both likely have trauma from dp losing his Dad, the fall out from that (which may be Mils fault), you growing up with a mum with MH issues (so did I and it causes so many conflicting feelings including anger), possibly your dad leaving you to continue to live with your mum in those circumstances and so on. Maybe even that your Dad is not a grandparent figure now.

I am not saying MIL and her husband are perfect. But you don’t want a relationship with them, but are also mad because they don’t get in touch. That suggests you might be angry at alot of things and it’s easier to lay it all at their door.

@Bandyarsia I'm going to assume that you haven't read every post I have replied to on this thread, nor all of my replies.
I simply don't have the amount of time to detail every little thing that has gone on with them yet.
Yes, I left home early due to a bad situation. It was the only way out. Luckily, they offered me a place there. I was fresh out of school basically. I had been in college a few months and had no job. My partner had just started work, he earned 1k a month. As soon as I moved in, they demanded 400 of that (originally wanted 600) and we also had to do our own food shopping (this was reasonable) however we weren't allowed our food in their fridge, OR house. So they said we could only use a freezer out in their garage. Which their car was always in front of.
This is one of many strange things they did.
They bought things for our daughter as a sense of control. And partly because they were having enough money from us , they were able to afford it. The rent from us did not go towards household costs. They are blacklisted on both of their credit files, and have numerous CCJs. I was subject to abuse multiple times from bailiffs , during pregnancy and after having my daughter. Some of which were threatening, and nearly physical (whilst daughter was in my arms) and they refused to return home to deal with it.
They 'doted' on her when she was born ONLY in front of others, to get the attention. That's what they do.
I am very grateful they took me in, I always will be. But I cannot forgive people that completely ruined my self confidence that I had spent so long building up.
I mention the 6 week holidays, as it gives perspective of how long they can go (it's longer) without remembering that they have a grandchild.