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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate daughters useless grandparents???

89 replies

plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 16:43

AIBU to feel so utterly pissed off about the lack of care from my in laws towards their one and ONLY grandchild??
Backstory - back in 2018 I had my daughter. She's now nearly 5.
We had her young, but my partners mother and step father were more than happy for us, supportive of us and couldn't wait to tell everybody that they were going to be grandparents. We lived with them at the time, so they couldn't really not be involved I guess. They wanted to buy her everything leaving us actually not having purchased hardly a thing for our daughter when she was born, as they'd already done it all. I was grateful.. but it meant I missed out on a huge part of having my first child.
As soon as she arrived, they wanted to take her places and show her off to people.. but they would never correct others if they assumed she was their daughter, not granddaughter.
We moved out when our daughter was 1.5 and that's pretty much where it stopped.
The contact has gradually dwindled over the last few years, to the point where they just never contact now. And trust me, we have tried.
I for one dislike them considerably. So does my partner , for many reasons related and unrelated.
I don't care if they don't bother with us, neither does my partner now, we have both given up on them. But AIBU to be so angered by the fact that they just don't seem to care about their granddaughter??
She's due to start school in a couple of weeks... and they've not asked after her at all. Not seen them once in the 6 weeks holidays. It is upsetting!

OP posts:
Mischance · 20/08/2023 18:41

They did their bit. They housed you for a long time when you were in need, both before and after your baby was born, and set you up with everything you needed for starting life with a new baby.

The result of that was that you felt they had become TOO involved and possessive. Maybe they got that message and are leaving you be.

I guess they are just getting on with their lives now, so no reason to hate them - that is a very strong word for 2 people who have done so much for you over a long period when you were most in need of help. They may not have done it in exactly the way you wanted, but where would you have been if they had not been housing you?

Don't hate them - just get on with your life.

Mischance · 20/08/2023 18:41

And yes - YABU.

CantFindTheBeat · 20/08/2023 18:43

@Bandyarsia

I have no idea of the ins and outs of OPs life, but I need to pull you up on the dangerous message you've put there, that allowing someone to live with you and buying them things means you can't possibly be abusive - emotional or otherwise.

Original poster
plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 18:43

@Sometimeswinning I put a stop to sleepovers as she was just turned 3 and was not being put to bed until way after midnight (their own daughter is nearly 11 and still sleeps in their bed) it was a nightmare. She was also forced to share their bed despite there being multiple free rooms.
She is used to a routine at home as most kids are, and this was more than a change in routine. It was awful.

OP posts:
lovemycbf · 20/08/2023 18:44

plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 16:54

@lovemycbf
Oh I completely understand. It is easier said than done though. I just get random waves of immense hatred for them.

They didn't even know how old she was last year. They had a little argument amongst themselves when trying to buy a card (so they told me) so they ended up getting a generic birthday card instead of an age one just incase they got it wrong !!

My best advice is to just not contact them
You cannot make people care and want to be involved.
Grandparents should love their grandchildren unconditionally but sadly many don't.
When I was younger it used to upset me too so I know how you're feeling but honestly blank them out you'll be much happier doing so

Original poster
plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 18:45

@CantFindTheBeat thank you for that. maybe to others it seems they did a lot, but as I have tried to detail as best I can, as much as they "did" they still are not nice people at all, and have caused a lot of hurt, upset and abuse to what were essentially 2 young teenagers.

OP posts:
Bandyarsia · 20/08/2023 18:46

CantFindTheBeat · 20/08/2023 18:43

@Bandyarsia

I have no idea of the ins and outs of OPs life, but I need to pull you up on the dangerous message you've put there, that allowing someone to live with you and buying them things means you can't possibly be abusive - emotional or otherwise.

If they are abusive, nasty, horrible people WHY in God's name would you ne lamenting the fact they have not seen your child???

Original poster
plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 18:47

@Caprisunny it does make sense. We were subject to emotional abuse and manipulation. We didn't want to be there for years. (2) but with the money they were taking from us monthly, it took us a hell of a lot of time to secure a deposit for somewhere to rent. We wanted to get the hell out of there very early on.
If you haven't already, please read all of my replies to get a bit more of an insight. It is just not as simple as this sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 18:48

@Bandyarsia as I have previously said , many times now... I used the wrong wording I think. It's not that I'm desperate for them to be in her life, it's that I am sad that she hasn't been able to experience loving and Present grandparents.
I want her to have them... just not THEM.

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 20/08/2023 18:50

@Bandyarsia

Because emotions aren't linear? Because OP is having a bad day, and is really lamenting that her daughter deserves better?

Because people who've been abused can have skewed opinions of how families should be?

Because OPs post is actually just an outpouring of 'wishing for better'?

Goodness, you only have to read a handful of posts on MN to know that the root of most posts aren't as simple as they seem.

Bandyarsia · 20/08/2023 18:53

But AIBU to be so angered by the fact that they just don't seem to care about their granddaughter??
She's due to start school in a couple of weeks... and they've not asked after her at all. Not seen them once in the 6 weeks holidays. It is upsetting

Giving out because your daughter has not seen them in 6 weeks.

I want her to have them... just not THEM

Makes no sense then, why complain that they have not seen her if you don't want them to see her???

Original poster
plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 18:54

@CantFindTheBeat I'm trying my best to reply to everyone, it has been a tough day. You are the most compassionate one on this thread. Thank you so much, you've hit the nail on the head here. I AM just feeling like she deserves better today

OP posts:
Bandyarsia · 20/08/2023 18:55

plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 18:54

@CantFindTheBeat I'm trying my best to reply to everyone, it has been a tough day. You are the most compassionate one on this thread. Thank you so much, you've hit the nail on the head here. I AM just feeling like she deserves better today

But you have given her better! Kept her away from nasty, manipulative, horrible grandparents.

Original poster
plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 18:55

@Bandyarsia please read PPs message to you. They have got it spot on.
I think my daughter deserves better than these people. I mentioned the 6 weeks holidays as she is soon starting reception, and I've seen other grandparents get so excited for their grandchildren growing up like this, and she sadly doesn't get to experience it. That is all.

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 20/08/2023 18:59

plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 18:54

@CantFindTheBeat I'm trying my best to reply to everyone, it has been a tough day. You are the most compassionate one on this thread. Thank you so much, you've hit the nail on the head here. I AM just feeling like she deserves better today

She's got you, OP. She won the mum lottery.

You sound like an amazing parent who's had a rubbish start in life. You've been let down by people who should have cared about tug, and you make damn sure her daughter doesn't have the same.

She couldn't want for better 💕

Caprisunny · 20/08/2023 18:59

plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 18:47

@Caprisunny it does make sense. We were subject to emotional abuse and manipulation. We didn't want to be there for years. (2) but with the money they were taking from us monthly, it took us a hell of a lot of time to secure a deposit for somewhere to rent. We wanted to get the hell out of there very early on.
If you haven't already, please read all of my replies to get a bit more of an insight. It is just not as simple as this sadly.

I have read your replies.

Nowhere did I say it was simple or that they haven’t done things that are awful.

But yours and your partners trauma is complex. You are mad about conflicting situations. You don’t want them but annoyed they are pushing you for access to your dd. That’s a sign that your complex feelings are all aimed at Mil and her husband when you clearly have anger that is probably to towards them.

But easier to aim it all that way and find more and more things that you hate them for, than face the actual issues. They are an issue, but not the only ones at all.

As I said, my mother had mental health issues. I know what it’s like to displace anger. To aim it in one direction because facing it may open up other wounds and see other relationships in a different light. My mum died, luckily, after I got chance to find peace with her. But it’s still very very complex.

Bandyarsia · 20/08/2023 19:02

I just get random waves of immense hatred for them

You need help for that.

Let it go, stop lamenting the fact you think they are shit and how much you absolutely hate them. Where is that getting you? It's only breeding more hatred, anger and resentment on your part. Your child has parents who love her and a grandad. She has enough.

Pineapples198 · 20/08/2023 19:07

I’m going to preface this by saying I’ve only read the original post and not any comments but they don’t sound like grandparents who don’t care to me. They absolutely doted on your daughter and bought her everything she needed as a baby. Everything. They took her out and looked after her for you.

you state that you dislike them immensely and so does your partner. You don’t appreciate them buying everything for your baby as it made you “miss out”. I’m sure your in laws aren’t stupid - they must be able to tell from your body language and voice etc that neither you or your partner like them.
from saying how they doted on her and how you dislike them I find it hard to believe that all the attempts at contact were from you and they never responded .

CantFindTheBeat · 20/08/2023 19:08

@Pineapples198

You probably should have read the post. Only allowing pregnant OP to keep her food in hard to access garage doesn't sound like a doting grandparent to me.

Original poster
plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 19:31

@Bandyarsia oh I definitely do need help for it. Whether it's self help or professional. I need to heal, I completely do.

OP posts:
Original poster
plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 19:33

@Pineapples198 yes please dread all comments or at least some, before you comment. There is a lot more to this than it seems really. Not a drip feed either. There are things that have been mentioned in reply to others questions and assumptions that I otherwise would not have mentioned as it wasn't needed in the OP

OP posts:
Mischance · 20/08/2023 19:38

If they are "not nice people" then stay away and build your lives together without them. Put them out of your mind.

Original poster
plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 19:40

@Mischance id love to. But it is easier said than done I'm afraid

OP posts:
Gnomegnomegnome · 20/08/2023 19:56

My dm could never be bothered with my dc and when she did she was horrible to me and them.

Like you I wanted her to love them but had to accept that they were better off without her.

Luckily they have many lovely people in their lives who adore them.

Gnomegnomegnome · 20/08/2023 19:57

Forgot to say, I went no contact which felt scary and bad at first but we are all happier!

She won’t ever be who you want her to be.