To become a single parent so I can co-sleep

[TryAgainAnotherDay]

DD has just gone 3, she has never been a great sleeper. The first time she slept through the night was when she was nearly 2 and I took the option to cosleep.

Prior to this she was in her own room but would wake at around midnight screaming and crying and inconsolable and not going back to sleep until around 3 in the morning. I was a wreck at the time and unable to function due to sleep deprivation.

Currently staying with DF as in-between a house move, me and DD in the bigger bedroom with both my bed and her bed in the room, DH in the small room and DF in his room.

DF has commented every night that DD should be in her own room and DH should be in with us as we only asked to use the one room. DH doesn't defend me just goes along with what DF says.

Even if DD wasn't cosleeping, I would hate to share a room with him as he snores, fidgets, is way to hot and wakes me up when he goes to work.

I tried DD in her own bed last night and she just got upset saying she wanted cuddles with mummy, it broke me.

I love cosleeping and cuddles to sleep, my only issue is that she has gone grom going to bed at 20.00 to now going to bed at 22.00 so I don't get mu evenings.

AIBU to say to DH he can go back to his mums until we move to the new house, and then DD can cosleep and DF can't moan about us using 2 rooms?

Well you can but unless there's a lot more going on in the relationship making you want to split up, it really doesn't seem in anyone's best interests to me.

I wouldn't say that idea is great for your relationship. You're also creating a more permanent habit that will be harder to break. I would also be questioning the bedtime at 10pm. That's not healthy. I get you love co-sleeping but it's creating some real issues.

It doesn’t sound like a good sleep routine for her at all if I’m honest. You need to be the grown up and put up with a few tears so she gets a good night’s sleep. Find a sleep training method and stick to it. The husband issue is a bit secondary.

I've tried everything to get her to sleep earlier, ealier bed time, later, nap, no nap, leaving the room, staying in the room, she just isn't going to sleep.

I've put it all down to her being taken from the only home she knows, moved completely different area, being on holiday from childcare and all the ongoing changes.

Me and DH are actually getting on better then ever ATM, it's only this we disagree on.

You're just replacing one bad habit with another though. This isn't a long-term solution.

So any help on how to now address this and get her into her own bed at a reasonable time?

Sleep train your child ffs.

This isn’t a baby we’re talking about, this is a 3 year old you’re pandering to for a quiet life, to the point you’re prepared to split up her family over it.

yes, it’s understandable that you took the easy way out when you found it hard to get her to sleep, but unless she has severe SN there is absolutely no reason why she can’t learn to sleep in her own room at this age.

You’re doing her no favours by continuing to pander to this behaviour.

And if you split up with your dh over it (bearing in mind if you ask him to leave now he quite understandably might choose not to come back) then you’ll be looking at 50/50 and. And all so you can cosleep? Seriously you need to get this sorted.

I've tried everything to get her to sleep earlier, ealier bed time, later, nap, no nap, leaving the room, staying in the room, she just isn't going to sleep.
She has to at some stage though! We got a nice night light from ikea, and made night time all about stories and coziness. It took forever of him constantly coming into the room but no matter what he was returned to bed and then suddenly it was just easier! It took a long long time though, and was a shock to the system as our first two just slept from really early days. Best of luck op

You are the one who's created this ridiculous situation!
Just end it with the poor guy, so that you can go back to prioritising your child in every way.

Would you start now or wait until we are in the new house whixh should hopefully be in about 4 weeks?

I think cuddle her to sleep/co sleep if you want.
she won’t do it forever. Although I remember people joking that kids won’t want to do it when they’re teenagers and actually my (ND) child did wake around 3am and come into our bed every night for a phase when she was around 12/13, it was very difficult. But she’s stopped now.

eh? So you’re suggesting that the OP should divorce her husband, who is this child’s father, so that she can continue to co sleep with her for what, maybe another few months? A year perhaps? Because it’s never going to be a permanent arrangement, and meanwhile you’re suggesting that this child should grow up as the child of divorced parents, perhaps with a future of step parents and siblings and blended families all in the name of a few months cosleeping? Get a grip.

If you split she would have to stay with her dad sometimes and learn not to co sleep.

Also I don't think having her in the bed all the time is good for your relationship. When do you get some time with your partner?

Would you start now or wait until we are in the new house which should hopefully be in about 4 weeks?
I actually don’t know! (Sorry!!) Now?! ( but interested to hear what others think!)

BeenThereDoneThat101
I think op suggested being single?

Yeah but what about the husband? Presumably he may find someone else? And quite apart from that, if they split up he’ll be given eOW and at least one or two nights a week access at the very least if not 50/50.

So the split to cosleep plan is deeply flawed anyway because actually the OP will be splitting with her husband and be sleeping with her child less.

Like many cosleeping threads, there’s a lot of ‘I’ in your messages - I like, I don’t like, etc. re partner, that’s relevant, but in relation to your child, it’s her needs that you need to consider, not the fact that you like cuddles. Don’t we all? But I also like a well rested child, because that’s good for their health and wellbeing. Going to bed at 10pm at age 3 is ridiculous. You need to sort it out now.

you can make it fun. There is a whole industry based on this, with books and lights and charts and other paraphernalia to help. Charts and stars are brilliant at 3 and cost very little in paper/sticky stars - they love them. We used for toilet training, sleeping, behaviour, etc over the years. Coloured star for going to sleep in her own bed, silver star for part of the night in her bed, gold for a whole night. 10 gold stars gets a treat - new duvet set? A toy? Make it fun. But grow some balls, be the parent, and make your decisions based on what SHE needs, not what you want.

I would wait until you’re in the new house before you sleep train. If your dad is critical of her bed sharing he is going to be awful about her getting up every 5 mins/screaming at 4am/having tantrums because she’s tired etc.

Can you speak to df about what the problem is with dh using the second room? Is he needing to use it? Or is it more that he’s trying to control your parenting?

Could he spend a few nights at his mums and a few nights in dd bed in your shared room if it’s really important?

And re the being single thing? I think this will happen naturally if you don’t change things up, so be careful what you wish for.

OP I would start now, given she’s already in a separate room and you’re having these issues now.

Make going to sleep in her own bed an adventure. Bath, story, then bed. She’s old enough for a sticker chart so a sticker for staying in her bed all night, and then when she’s earned so many stickers she gets a treat.

Take her out to buy her a new soft toy, who will need to sleep with her while it’s still new, the same as she used to do with you.

Then put her to bed, and if she cries, you just go back in, the first time tell her it’s sleep time, and then after that don’t talk, she needs to learn that crying isn’t going to get her attention. Right now she knows that if she cries then she gets cuddles, so it’s cause and effect.

It will take time, but the first time she does it make a big fuss of it, and it will fall into place.

DF has commented every night that DD should be in her own room and DH should be in with us as we only asked to use the one room

So your df wants dd in the second room, but by the same breathe, says you all were told you could use one room? Talk about mixed messages!!

I’d sleep train now- it’s a skill, regardless of where they are. Lights off walk out and they go to sleep.

forget any naps- have a few calm days at home whilst she readjusts and then bed at 7. Consistency is key, keep returning them to their bed, cuddle and back in bed- no speaking except to say “bed time” or a similar phrase. Some children are more stubborn that others but consistency is key.

I co - slept with all mine until about 5 or 6. DH slept in another room. I was delighted not to have to listen to his snoring- and he liked having a peaceful nights sleep without the kids waking him. It didnt affect our relationship.

I'm not going to pass comment on the relationship but there is, of course, nothing wrong with Co sleeping.

One of mine works never go to sleep in either his bed or indeed mine just hated bed time. What did work to get him to sleep before my own "bedtime" was to pop him on the sofa with a blanket and potter around doing jobs. He would drift off and I could carry him to bed. Then he started being happy to look at books in my bed and go to sleep there. I think it must have been Christmas when he was about 4 that he first went to sleep at a normal ish bedtime in his own bed. All the talk of Father Christmas must have made his own bed and a stocking more appealing!

My bed was his preferred place to fall asleep until about age 10.

No DF wants me, DH and DD all in one room. In the room we are currently in is a double bed and DDs bed.