To become a single parent so I can co-sleep

[TryAgainAnotherDay]

DD has just gone 3, she has never been a great sleeper. The first time she slept through the night was when she was nearly 2 and I took the option to cosleep.

Prior to this she was in her own room but would wake at around midnight screaming and crying and inconsolable and not going back to sleep until around 3 in the morning. I was a wreck at the time and unable to function due to sleep deprivation.

Currently staying with DF as in-between a house move, me and DD in the bigger bedroom with both my bed and her bed in the room, DH in the small room and DF in his room.

DF has commented every night that DD should be in her own room and DH should be in with us as we only asked to use the one room. DH doesn't defend me just goes along with what DF says.

Even if DD wasn't cosleeping, I would hate to share a room with him as he snores, fidgets, is way to hot and wakes me up when he goes to work.

I tried DD in her own bed last night and she just got upset saying she wanted cuddles with mummy, it broke me.

I love cosleeping and cuddles to sleep, my only issue is that she has gone grom going to bed at 20.00 to now going to bed at 22.00 so I don't get mu evenings.

AIBU to say to DH he can go back to his mums until we move to the new house, and then DD can cosleep and DF can't moan about us using 2 rooms?

I think maybe you need to find a short term let / air bnb. Housing others is stressful, he seems to have form for digging at you, and you are at the point here where you are considering separation.

Your little family needs it's own space.

MY god. Your poor husband and child. This is the most unreasonable thing I have read here in a while

@Fridayrant did you even read the last paragraph of the OP or just the rather sensationalist thread title?

OP just wants her DH to stay with his mum temporarily whilst they wait a month for their new house as her DD sleeps better cosleeping with her at the moment following various routine / home changes as they are staying with her D Father. Neither the DH nor D father are willing to help with bedtime but are bother happy to comment on it.

So second night of being in own bed, still doesn't go to sleep until after 10 and tonight she woke at 12 and is still awake. DF going mad as he has work in the morning, DH still asleep and me, I'm having a nervous breakdown.

I'd be pissed off too if I was being kept awake and had work the next day by someone I'd kindly let stay at my house for an extended period of time. I think you need to look at somewhere else to stay as this clearly isn't working for anyone.

Just get a mattress and DH sleeps on the floor. You are all just bunking in one room temporarily, this is not the time to worry about sleep routines and DD in her own bed. Just do what you all can to get some sleep and worry about routines when you're home.

Some of the replies here are ridiculous. This is a short term situation, ignore DF and thank him for use of the room.

Can you all go to your MILs instead?

This makes me wonder if you're breeding a whole culture here. Does DD know it's you and her against the world her own dad and grandad? Does she know she can get what she wants from you by crying / being persistent?

I'd be concerned this is the top of the iceberg but it doesn't sound like your dfs house is the place to sort this.

It's time to be in charge and fix this. You are the parent. Make rules and stick to them. If you pander to this where will it ever end? And I say this from experience. If I could go back and have never co slept I would

There are different issues here.

First, it's your DF's house. If he says he only wants you to use one room, then you should only be using one room. Your DH can sleep on the floor/in DD's bed if you need/want to co-sleep. If this doesn't work for you, you need to find alternative accommodation. And your DD should not be keeping your DF awake.

Second, I'd have no patience for anyone who doesn't help with bedtime telling me how to get my child to sleep. I've co-slept with both DC1 and DC2 for periods of time, usually because I was too exhausted to do anything else. I don't particularly enjoy it so have worked on transitioning them back to their beds/cots, but some children just need the extra reassurance for a time and I'm not leaving a child of mine to cry themselves to sleep nor am I spending hours uncomfortably perched on the edge of a single bed when we could all be getting some sleep.

Third, co-sleeping is a different issue from sharing a bed with your husband. Again, I've gone through periods of wanting to sleep by myself and moving to the spare room. Can't be dealing with snoring, fidgeting or being woken late at night when DH finally gets back from work. Or sleeping in the same bed in a heatwave. I'll never accept being told that I'm unreasonable because I want to get a decent night's sleep.

If you're moving to a new house in four weeks, wait til then. Then start as you mean to go on. Sleep train as pp suggested, new teddy, nightlight etc... I know other posters support co sleeping but I think it's much better for her sleep to sleep in her own bed. If my child came into my bed, neither of us would get a wink of sleep! Also, it's ridiculous to sacrifice your relationship for that. My husband would not be happy.

A situation like this is not doing your marriage or more importantly your child any favours
Sometimes situations like this are created for the parents benefit not the child
when you say you love co sleeping and cuddles says it all really
let your child grow up it’s as though you want her to be dependent on you

let your child grow up it’s as though you want her to be dependent on you

The child is 3! She is dependent on her parents.

Talk to your father in the morning and explain that you’ll continue to co sleep until you move out as otherwise everyone except your lazy DH will lose sleep.

When you do move out, make it a priority to do up DDs room exactly how she wants it- with a night light that she can turn on and brighten herself, and make a big deal of her staying in her room all night with a sticker chart and rewards (until she gets the hang of it). Effective sleep training will need both you and DH’s full attention as any inconsistency of approach will make all the hard work redundant.

OP is just trying out the advice she was given - your comment comes across as rude and unhelpful- I’m sure OP has found tonight very stressful. She should just continue to co sleep while she is in her fathers house- her fathers main concern is with them using 2 rooms, so OP and daughter should share the double, and OP’s DH should use the single bed in that room.

This is all about you and your needs and you are not doing what is best for her.
A good friend of mine had this arrangement and then got very unwell and was hospitalised for 3 weeks. It was a nightmare for her DD and DH. Think about what's best for her, which is the ability to sleep alone for 10-12 hours every night

Why is your DF aware she’s awake? Is she crying / shouting.

I’d be grumpy too if kept awake for three hours by a three year old who wasn’t mine.

You shouldn’t be using more than one room. How you orgamjse yourselves in that room is up to you for now. I don5 understand why you can’t all sleep together. It’s not fun but it would be better than whatever else is going on.

You need to work on her sleep but in the meantime you need to not disturb your DF who has no responsibility for getting your DC to sleep.

Your dad sounds awful but it’s not for much longer. Why doesn’t he want you using two bedrooms? How weird. I would not sleep train without DH involvement: he’s basically ordering you to sort it but won’t help? Nah. Nothing wrong with cosleeping, she won’t do it forever. And even once she is in her own room, I’d carry on sleeping separately from DH if he disturbs your sleep. If he complains tell him to sort it out then don’t help.

prioritising your child in every way

Good grief, I’ve never heard such rubbish. The only ridiculous situation is sharing your bed with a three year old while your husband sleeps in the spare room.

I had kids that wouldn’t sleep, and I was a single parent anyway, so no decisions to discuss.

I would suggest carry on as you are for now, until you move into the new house. Then build up to starting a gradual retreat . Move from co-sleeping to sleeping on a mattress on the floor in DD’s room, to sleeping on a mattress on the landing, to sleeping in your own room with all doors open. Do this over days or weeks if necessary.

It sounds a slog but it’s better than nights of no sleep at all.

It won’t be forever. I did this with DS 1 and since about age 5 or 6 he’s only disturbed me if he’s unwell, having been unable to sleep without me at age 3.

Oh and ignore the “rod for your own back” brigade. My co sleeping DS is 18 this week and most certainly doesn’t want my attention during the night!

I do-slept with mine until they were 3. We have a super-king size though so dh was in there too.

From 3 they would come in the odd night or two but by 10 it was done.

Isn't the co-sleeping 3 yo a red herring as you've said you want to sleep separately from DH anyway? Do you usually sleep in separate rooms when not at your Dad's?

I would chat to dh and agree a plan. Start planting the seed in her head that she is getting her very own big girl
room i. Your new home and that that means she will be sleeping on her own in it but that it will be filled with all her teddies and favourite things. Take her shopping or ask her opinion on how she would
like the room to look and let her chose her new bed linen, lamp etc. make it exciting. Talk about how much fun it will be every day until the move. We bought a bed tent for our daughter and one of those cuddly toys that has a hot water bottle in as she said the tent made her feel safe and cocooned and meant she could not see all the scarey shadows etc and the warmth against her back seemed to comfort her. Make the whole idea into a positive experience not a battle etc

Changing bedtime habits is a long-distance run, not a sprint. It's probably going to take weeks, not the odd night. Just hold onto the knowledge that she's 3, she might try all she can to protest, and she knows how to push your buttons, but eventually she'll have to sleep, and you are teaching her good sleep habits. When I moved my nearly 3 year old into a "big boy bed" and he could get out of bed at any time of night, he did every night for a couple of weeks, and would also get up extremely early, until he finally realised that he wasn't getting any "action" other than being told "it's sleeping time" and being put back into bed (no extra hugs, no conversation, no extra stories etc, just a reminder that it was night and not time to be up). He figured out eventually that it wasn't worth his while to be up. It was very annoying for those weeks and I was knackered, but it was worth it.

There is no way on God's green earth that I would sleep train while I was staying with a relative that had already made negative comments about my daughter's sleep habits. You're just opening yourself up to a whole load of interfering judgement if the sleep training doesn't instantly work (and it won't). I would wait till your back in the renovated house and maybe try mentioning to her how nice it will be to have her big girl room back. If you're looking for sleep training tips I would recommend teach Your Child To Sleep by the Millpond clinic, and if you've got some spare cash, a consultation with the Millpond clinic themselves - they helped us with training our twins and they were really helpful.