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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To become a single parent so I can co-sleep

97 replies

TryAgainAnotherDay · 20/08/2023 08:07

DD has just gone 3, she has never been a great sleeper. The first time she slept through the night was when she was nearly 2 and I took the option to cosleep.

Prior to this she was in her own room but would wake at around midnight screaming and crying and inconsolable and not going back to sleep until around 3 in the morning. I was a wreck at the time and unable to function due to sleep deprivation.

Currently staying with DF as in-between a house move, me and DD in the bigger bedroom with both my bed and her bed in the room, DH in the small room and DF in his room.

DF has commented every night that DD should be in her own room and DH should be in with us as we only asked to use the one room. DH doesn't defend me just goes along with what DF says.

Even if DD wasn't cosleeping, I would hate to share a room with him as he snores, fidgets, is way to hot and wakes me up when he goes to work.

I tried DD in her own bed last night and she just got upset saying she wanted cuddles with mummy, it broke me.

I love cosleeping and cuddles to sleep, my only issue is that she has gone grom going to bed at 20.00 to now going to bed at 22.00 so I don't get mu evenings.

AIBU to say to DH he can go back to his mums until we move to the new house, and then DD can cosleep and DF can't moan about us using 2 rooms?

OP posts:
midnightblue12 · 20/08/2023 08:52

The thread title is very dramatic.
You're barely becoming a single parent by your husband staying in another house whilst you move.
Honestly if only you knew what being a single parent actually entailed.....

Augustone · 20/08/2023 08:53

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 20/08/2023 08:27

Sleep train your child ffs.

This isn’t a baby we’re talking about, this is a 3 year old you’re pandering to for a quiet life, to the point you’re prepared to split up her family over it.

yes, it’s understandable that you took the easy way out when you found it hard to get her to sleep, but unless she has severe SN there is absolutely no reason why she can’t learn to sleep in her own room at this age.

You’re doing her no favours by continuing to pander to this behaviour.

And if you split up with your dh over it (bearing in mind if you ask him to leave now he quite understandably might choose not to come back) then you’ll be looking at 50/50 and. And all so you can cosleep? Seriously you need to get this sorted.

This 100%. You went down the easy route so it is upto you to put it right. It won't be easy and yes, you will be exhausted without a shadow of a doubt but splitting your family up so your daughter gets her own way ? You have appeased her by co sleeping and now appeasing her with later bedtimes she is choosing herself. I think it is time for some boundary setting, structure and routine.

KvotheTheBloodless · 20/08/2023 08:53

Talk to your DH about it. DF can butt out, with those ludicrously mixed messages about 1 room but also DD should be in her own room. Which is it?

I wouldn't make your DH leave though, unless you think the relationship is over or that separation is on the cards.

Can you all fit in one room? You and DH could take it in turns to sleep on a mattress on the floor if there's room, with DD in the double with one of you.

As for bedtime, get DH to take over and do bedtime for a bit. 10pm isn't sustainable or healthy for a 3 year old.

Smartiepants79 · 20/08/2023 08:54

Do you actually mean ‘become a single parent’ as in split permanently from your DH, in order to solve a short term sleep issue? As that’s what your post implies!? It seems a very drastic move.
Or are you talking temporary fix until you move into a new home?

FloorWipes · 20/08/2023 08:56

We had a similar routine when DD was 3. She is 4 now and about to start school and things have improved in that she can often spend a lot of the night alone, though rarely all of it. We got her a double bed so that at least I could comfortably fit. Other people have often been weird about it. It’s definitely their problem and not mine.

Original poster
TryAgainAnotherDay · 20/08/2023 08:58

FloorWipes · 20/08/2023 08:56

We had a similar routine when DD was 3. She is 4 now and about to start school and things have improved in that she can often spend a lot of the night alone, though rarely all of it. We got her a double bed so that at least I could comfortably fit. Other people have often been weird about it. It’s definitely their problem and not mine.

This is the attitude I've always taken, until I moved with DF who has always had a habit of making me feel inadequate

OP posts:
CakAndMoreCake · 20/08/2023 09:01

I co-slept with all of mine, with the younger 2 DH slept in the spare room for a long time. He worked long hours. No one enjoyed a packed bed.
Now they are older we again share a bed (and have a healthy physical relationship and always managed by). All 5 children grew up into great sleepers and happy kids.
Its just a phase and doesn’t have to be a big deal

WandaWonder · 20/08/2023 09:01

This doesn't sounds fair on her let alone anyone else.

Your priorities seem all twisted around

FloorWipes · 20/08/2023 09:20

TryAgainAnotherDay · 20/08/2023 08:58

This is the attitude I've always taken, until I moved with DF who has always had a habit of making me feel inadequate

Show quote history

It seems like maybe this is the crux of it, coupled with your DH not really supporting you? Not really a sleep issue. I’m sorry, it sounds like a stressful situation.

Heronwatcher · 20/08/2023 09:29

I have nothing in principle against Co sleeping but this doesn’t sound great for anyone. As a rule 10pm is much too late for a 3 yr old to go to bed, it’s likely that they aren’t getting anywhere near enough sleep. Having them up with you us also exhausting and means that you have no adult time to watch adult programmes or even have a chat. Plus then you and your DH have no time together in bed because… she’s there! Even if you’re both happy at the moment, long term this will do no-one any good, especially your daughter.

For the moment can you put her to sleep at a normal time in your bed but the transfer her to a bed beside you when you both get to bed? Then yes, in the new house, you need to try to get her sleeping in her own room. Even if it means a week of hellish putting back into bed 200 times a night, you’ll get there.

Your issues with your partner being hot etc are separate but have you tried a pillow between you, or 2 single beds pushed together? Of course you don’t have to share a room at all but I think you should putty to work things out and this will be easier once your daughter is into a good sleep routine.

IndiganDop · 20/08/2023 09:31

I would actually start the ground work now for when you move. I would be dropping casually into the conversation about how when she is at the new house in her new bed she will be sleeping all night in her room like big girls do. I would take her shopping for a duvet cover, nightlight and get a sticker chart as PPS have suggested. Tell her it's not surprising she wanted to sleep with you before because she was so little but as she is getting bigger she will be ready to try staying in her own room. A teddy she can "look after" and cuddle would be good (my daughter loved squishmallows, they are a nice consistency for cuddling).
Also establishing a strong evening routine - bath, milk, teeth, bed, story, sleep is a common one - so you can keep the routine but just move the elements earlier until she is asleep for 7pm. 10pm bedtime is much much too late for a 3 year old; she'll be seriously sleep deprived.

Heronwatcher · 20/08/2023 09:36

In terms of “how to do it” there were a couple of supernanny episodes where I think they basically just put the child back into bed every time they got up. So nice routine, drink, teeth, story, say goodnight then leave the room. Then if they can’t back out unless it was a genuine emergency you just took them straight back to bed. I can’t remember what she did if they were screaming in bed but most of the episodes are on YouTube I think.

Illbebythesea · 20/08/2023 09:42

We have 3 children & I haven’t shared a bed with DP in years. I sleep with 2 & he sleeps with the other 1. It hasn’t effected our relationship at all, we’re both on board with it because we get the best sleep this way. It hasn’t stopped us being intimate, or feeling like we’re a couple. So it can work but I guess both parents have to agree to it.

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 09:43

Tbh i think the comments about it being bad for your relationship are nonsense.
I haven't shared a bed with my OH for 9 years. First it was co-sleeping and then i refused to share again as he snores terrible. Our relationship is fine.

I would just telling your DF no. Unless the issue is hes not happy that you have two rooms and then i would either co-sleep with 3 year old and dad can sleep on a other mattress or as its your parents house your OH can sleep at his mums until you move. Its only temporary. No need to split up over it.

Owjrbvr · 20/08/2023 09:45

Sounds like the problem is your DF; how does it impact him that you’re using 2 rooms? Does he need it?

KajsaKavat · 20/08/2023 09:48

I co slept with all of mine until they were older, it’s a lovely way to sleep.
do t listen to people who don’t understand do sleeping and don’t approve of it.

ShineBright1209 · 20/08/2023 10:04

I would probably wait until you are in your new house, with you having to share a room at the moment it would probably make it harder as she hasn’t got her own space to begin with.
Agree with a PP about getting her ready for it now and getting her involve in the shopping for things for her new room.
As much as moving house is stressful and tiring I would start it from the very first night in new house and make sure she understands that that’s her bedroom and the only place that she sleeps.
I know it’s different but my oldest got into a routine of waking in the night and coming in with me when he was 18months (he had been poorly previously vomiting in sleep so felt better having him with me and then it just stuck). I was pregnant with DC2 and as I got bigger it just wasn’t comfortable for it to continue so I did controlled crying, he’d wake up crying and I’d just go in lay him back down say good night and walk out, I’d leave an extra minute or 2 each time I went in. After about a week of broken sleep he stopped waking up in the night.
You need to be consistent with your approach to putting her back in bed and as hard as it is keep going with it. At 3 they can be quite strong willed in my experience so when she gets up be calm but firm.

maddening · 20/08/2023 10:05

KrisAkabusi · 20/08/2023 08:22

You're just replacing one bad habit with another though. This isn't a long-term solution.

Ds was similar, we coslept for ages, he is fine going to sleep etc in his own room at 12 and has donr since he was around 5, he still had the occasional night where he asked me or dh to go in his room and have a sleepover 😂 but it was no big thing imo

maddening · 20/08/2023 10:06

And bedtime has never been a fight or issue, ds loves bedtime.

maddening · 20/08/2023 10:09

Ps it did help that ds has a double bed, he would go down at bedtime and whoever was cosleeping with his would go up at their own bedtime

zingally · 20/08/2023 10:37

You're considering splitting up the family, JUST so you can co-sleep with your 3yo?! That's bonkers. You've accepted all this, and the 10pm bedtime, just for an easy life.
Unless the 3yo has significant special needs, it's time to sleep train her. It'll be a few miserable nights, but then it'll be done.

Original poster
TryAgainAnotherDay · 20/08/2023 10:42

It's all well and good though DH and DF telling me she needs to be in her own bed but they tell me to do it but neither do anything to help with the training.

DH had DD for a couple of nights, tried to put her in her own bed, she said no so let her sleep on the sofa with him.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 20/08/2023 10:48

Does your DF actually need the other room for something or is this his way of having a dig about your daughters sleeping habits?

Singleandproud · 20/08/2023 10:52

DD decided to cosleep with me until she was 10, however I am a single parent so wasn't kicking a partner out of their bed and DD has ASD.

In the end it turned out what she actually wanted wasnt me but less space in her bed and something to cuddle up too, I bought her one of those giant 'U' pregnancy body pillows and shes slept in her bed every night since.

You Ddad sounds like he wants to support you but feels overwhelmed by the additional guests or having DH staying over. I don't think it's a bad idea for your DH to stay at him mums to give your dad some space, or even for all 3 of you to go there for a few days.

You don't sound like you want to share sleeping space with your husband due to snoring etc, this might be so. Etching you want to address when moving into your jew home. My parents sleeping styles don't suit each other and they've slept in separate rooms for years, although that didn't start until my siblings and I were older and moved out freeing up space.

Singleandproud · 20/08/2023 10:54

Sorry for the typos, my screen got smashed yesterday and I can't see everything I type!