To become a single parent so I can co-sleep

[TryAgainAnotherDay]

DD has just gone 3, she has never been a great sleeper. The first time she slept through the night was when she was nearly 2 and I took the option to cosleep.

Prior to this she was in her own room but would wake at around midnight screaming and crying and inconsolable and not going back to sleep until around 3 in the morning. I was a wreck at the time and unable to function due to sleep deprivation.

Currently staying with DF as in-between a house move, me and DD in the bigger bedroom with both my bed and her bed in the room, DH in the small room and DF in his room.

DF has commented every night that DD should be in her own room and DH should be in with us as we only asked to use the one room. DH doesn't defend me just goes along with what DF says.

Even if DD wasn't cosleeping, I would hate to share a room with him as he snores, fidgets, is way to hot and wakes me up when he goes to work.

I tried DD in her own bed last night and she just got upset saying she wanted cuddles with mummy, it broke me.

I love cosleeping and cuddles to sleep, my only issue is that she has gone grom going to bed at 20.00 to now going to bed at 22.00 so I don't get mu evenings.

AIBU to say to DH he can go back to his mums until we move to the new house, and then DD can cosleep and DF can't moan about us using 2 rooms?

Well you have let this situation develop. It is a lot easier to get a small baby into a sleeping routine than a 3 year old who prefers to sleep in your bed. I suspect you will have to outlast your daughter while she screams the place down for several nights. One of my colleagues eventually lowered the boom on his wife's childrearing ideas after his sleep deprived wife fell asleep at the wheel of the vehicle with their child in the back. She drove into a wall. Their child was put into her own room and they withstood three nights of hours of screaming before she learned to settle.

I can't understand how people put up with children not sleeping through for years. The first six weeks and eight weeks of my children's lives before they slept through for a decent stretch in their own rooms was a nightmare of broken sleep. I mean I knew that we would have broken sleep but two months of it was more than enough for me. There are fashions in childrearing and staying up all night or co-sleeping seems to be the current fashion - a generation or two ago it wouldn't have been considered normal. I realise my ideas are no longer main stream but I have had a lot more sleep because of them.

Your FIL's ideas about the one room are very peculiar. Did he have any plans for the other room your husband is occupying?

Thankyou

When you move, begin sleep training - and stick to it!

Yes, some children don't handle change well but sometimes you have to make them upset to do what's good for them.

Look at different methods, find one you like and stick to it. It may take weeks or even months but stick to it.

There's two different aspects here.
The first is the co-sleeping.ive co-slept with all mine and they've slept indendantly by themselves at different ages. The longest I co-slept for is about 2 1/2.years. When he was about 2 we would put him to bed in his own room and he would get up in the night and come to ours. Then about 2 1/2 years he just started sleeping though. No fuss. Co-sleeping long term hasn't ruined my children for life, they doesn't have weird attachment issues and they've always had good sleep.

People get really weird about partners sleeping separate. Ive slept separately from my partner for years and it's not affected our relationship once. We have plenty of time together and we both get the sleep we need. I have insomnia and it doesn't work us sharing a room. If both of you are happy with the sleeping arrangements then it's no-one else's business. I can't see why it's seen as bad to share your bed with your child who wants to be near you at night, but seen as bad if you don't want to share your bed with another adult who wakes you up all night

Nope, just says we are only paying for one room, (then refuses to have money off us for rent). Spare room is completely empty

DD has never slept since the day she was born, got worse in toddler years to the stage of getting a couple of hours a night and having to go off sick fir work, general advice was to co sleep and that worked so well.

You say co-slepoing is fir my benifit, then partly yes because I need to be able to function, DD loves having cuddles and snuggles up to me to go to sleep. Please don't judge unless you have experienced sleep deprivation for over 2 years.

Ideally I would like her in her own bed so I can have an evening to myself and the plan was to do this in the new house, but what I was trying to say is I don't mind cosleeping as I know some people hate this.

No real back story with DH and me not wanting to sleep in bed with him, I just sleep better without being next to him, only issue I have with him is him Telling me I should never of started cosleeping and she needs to go in her own bed, yet he's never got up with her once in the night since the day she was born and if I bring this up or suggest he helps I just get shot down.

I didn't cosleep or that long but DD (ND) always wanted my presence in her room till she fell asleep which led to me being passed out on her floor every night and then stumbling to bed around midnight. It wasn't working. I went on a parenting course for anxious kids and learned about the fear ladder. You take it in small digestible chunks and reward each step, you don't slide back down the ladder, but you can stay on one 'rung' till the child is happy there. Me and DD collaborated on what each 'step' on the ladder looked like but your DC is probably too young for that. It worked a treat for us. So you might do something like:

Step 1. Don't lie down with her, sit half raised up. Get her used to that
Step 2. Sit up on the edge of the bed. Again get her used to it
Step 3. Sit on the floor
Step 4. Leave the room for a minute and then come back and sit
Step 5. Leave for increasingly longer periods

What I found after doing all this is that my DD went to sleep a lot faster once I wasn't actually in the room.

OP look do what is right for your family.

I co-slept with mine until she was 4 when she was ready to enjoy picking a bed etc for her new room.

I'm a lone parent with a full time career and us both sleeping and functioning was way more important that a western concept of training your child.

Your DF and DH sound ridiculous.

My nearly 4 year old still sleeps in bed with us. But we bought a king size bed so there is enough room!
My friend who had children before me slept with both children in her bed for years and years. They're teenagers now - and guess what they're fine. They sleep in their own beds and have done for many years. They stopped wanting to in their own time.
There comes a point when children grow up and don't need their parents in the same way. She misses it and they don't!
There is nothing wrong with having your 3 year old in bed with you if it makes you both happy.
I'm only saying this against all the omg sleep train comments. Do what feels right for your family.

This.

Co-sleeping is not some weird new fad. Most humans do it. Actually most mammals do it. I’ll never be persuaded that it’s better to put a tiny child alone in a room at night, and ‘train’ them to accept it.

Possibly not helpful as it looks like you've already stopped co sleeping but I'd wait until you're in the new house and her room is sorted. I'd involve her in decorating and picking out furniture & bedding for her 'big girl' bed etc and try to get her really excited for her own room, which she'll sleep in!

Hi OP you are doing your best. You're in the middle of a house move. Do what you need to do. Mumsnet is full of people who think sleep training is piss easy and works for every child. Reality is it doesn't. And it is more natural for children to sleep near their mother for years. Children have very real fears and they're not full developed to be able to do all things themselves. And mumsnet has been a fucking shitshow lately with people being so mean, unreasonable and nasty quite frankly. I know what you mean, being a single parent might ease the burden but you're only saying it because the pressure is on you, it's not what you actually want. If the two men in your lives are so hellbent about your little girl sleeping alone, you can tell them that you will shift To a hotel for a week and they can sort the sleep training themselves as in their eyes, you're not doing it properly. Otherwise they can shut up, and allow you to be the mother your child needs you to be. I don't get why they need to be commenting on your business anyway, you're the mother/ primary caregiver, you do it how you can unless they're offering to take over.

Your child will sleep through eventually. You're not far off. Your husband will survive, he should be supporting you to raise his child, not add pressure during a house move. When you're in your own house , I'm sure you will at times share a bed with your husband, it will happen.

Your dad needs to mind his own business quite frankly. But of course it's just a power trip.

ignoring everything else, wouldn’t you have needed two rooms anyway? One you for you and DH and one for DD? It seems weird to offer to cram into one when there are two available?

I think sleep training is harder as they get older, for you and for her, but it is doable with different methods, for the sake of 4 weeks and minimal disruption I’d just ask DF if he doesn’t mind you carrying on what you’re doing.

You need to get her into bed at an earlier time for everyone’s sake though, EVERYONE needs their peace and quiet in the evenings, so whatever you need to do to make that happen, our two year old a doesn’t nap in the day anymore (hasn’t for a while) and is so worn out from being outside and running around that at the end of the day she just gets in bed and immediately falls asleep.

kicking DH is a shit solution, how would you feel if it was the other way round? You’re orchestrated a situation where he’s surplus to requirements and now you think he should just bugger off, it doesn’t quite seem fair on the guy.

Exactly. Many cultures do it, and still have children who become independent and good sleepers. It’s a very western mindset of children must sleep through and if not, must be trained to sleep.

Not all children are good sleepers and you need to do what you can do to survive. If co-sleeping helps you all to get some sleep, and provided you and your DH are on the same page, then it’s no one else’s business, so ignore your dad. However, what’s not clear from your post is what your DH really thinks. You need to speak to him.

I’ve co slept in the past and my DH was on board as he knew it allowed us all to get sleep (and I needed it for my mental health!) but there were times he was influenced by his mum’s opinions and start saying the same things about DS needing his own room and bed. Each time I would ask him why that’s the only way of parenting and what he really thinks and deep down he agreed. It’s easy to get influenced by other people’s judgmental opinions.

Bloody hell! That’s a dramatic solution…

I can’t imagine not sharing a bed with my husband.

You need to give your child some tough love and stop pandering to her. She should be able to sleep through the night at her age.

I'd try having DF or DH to do bedtime for a few nights while you go out.

You need to do something as you are asking if it is better to prioritise a late 10pm co sleeping bedtime ahead of living with her dad.

The thread title is quite irritating if you’re actually a single parent as there is no way I could give up my evenings to lie next to a three year old - all housework, admin etc. that doesn’t happen around the children has to happen in the evening. Plus many single parents need to deal with child going to ex’s overnight part of the time. And it doesn’t sound like you’re actually thinking about being a single parent anyway- just living separately for a few weeks.

Another option would be for DH to take DD to his mum's to work on her sleeping. Then you'd be able to get a break and some solid sleep.

OP, do whatever gets you through this patch with the most sleep for everyone. There is no point trying to make new habits when everything’s out of the normal anyway. I feel for you

You,an adult,are allowing a three year old to rule your life.
Your dh is sleeping alone so you can have cuddles and not listen to his snoring.
Dc is getting to decide where and when she sleeps.
Being a single parent is very hard.

Tell them to stop being ridiculous. It's perfectly normal to sleep next to your child.

Jus ignore people who don't get it. IME anyone whose child slept through easily and early regards themselves as some kind of sleep guru and can't contain their outrage that your child is different.
I haven't had a whole night's sleep in 15 years. It's still early days for you 😉
I did what you suggest, it's much better for everyone. Now I'm only disturbed by one person, rather than two.
Do what you feel will get you through, as some sensible people have said. You know your child best.

I think swap rooms with your husband so if she wants to co sleep she goes in with your husband. She will probably give up quite quickly and want her own bed.