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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect 19 year old not to be out until the crack of dawn all the time

81 replies

Lizzie234 · 20/08/2023 06:32

My 19 year old son lives at home with me. Covid lockdowns had a really negative effect on him and he dropped out of college and became quite isolated and anxious. Over the last 12 months I’ve encouraged him to get a job and start socialising again. He has recently got a new job at a pub that opens until 12.30 at weekends and has also reconnected with his friends and enjoys going out - so far so good. I never impose a curfew but I am clear I like to know what time he will be back, if he is going to be late and if he is going to stay out all night.

To use yesterday as an example - he worked a shift until 12.30am and went for a drink with friends. I texted (before his shift ended) to say did he want a lift home and if not let me know what time he will be back. No response. I woke up at 4am - still not in and no text. So I texted again and eventually at half 5 this morning he messages to say he is staying somewhere else. Don’t think he would have let me know if I hadn’t asked. This is irritating because as well as me worring about him, keeping these hours means he will rock up at home and sleep most of the day and then do absolutely nothing around the house yet expect meals cooked etc! I understand he is an adult but I do feel this is getting unreasonable on his part. Would it be unreasonable to put stronger ground rules in place? I would suggest he moved out but there is no way he can afford it on his wage and I do worry about his mental health.

I also work full time and, if I do have a night out, I always let both my kids know what time I will be back and if I will be late so I don’t feel I am really asking something I would not do myself.

OP posts:
Angryappendix · 20/08/2023 06:35

In the nicest way, you need to learn to live with a young adult and lower your expectations of being informed of his whereabouts.

Stop cooking the meals if it bothers you. He works a night time job then goes out after. It’s the same at working all day then going out in the evening.

As long as he’s not waking you all up or disrespecting you, you should be happy he’s got a social circle and a job.

Goldencup · 20/08/2023 06:36

I have a 19 yo DS, the only rules here are that he cleans up after himself, he let's me know by 11pm if he is not coming home and that he doesn't bring ONS back ( his longterm girlfriend is always welcome here). That's it. Talk of a curfew is madness.

Goldencup · 20/08/2023 06:39

I ask him if he would like to join us for dinner maybe 3 times a,week if we are having something I know he likes. The rest of the time he sorts himself out. TBF he likes coming supermarket shopping with me and then going for breakfast in the cafe but that is his choice.

Original poster
Lizzie234 · 20/08/2023 06:41

To be fair I did say I would never impose a curfew in my original post and part of my irritation I think is the constant late nights does impact on him cleaning up after himself. Also he is just not letting me know by a reasonable time if he is coming home. This is what I’m struggling with

OP posts:
rwalker · 20/08/2023 06:41

Ours please themselves there adults at 19 not kids

but I’ll creep around till 11 but that’s it hoover or whatever I just crack on
not creeping around because they were out to all hours

Original poster
Lizzie234 · 20/08/2023 06:43

Totally understand about lowering the bar - it’s just frustrating waking up and his bed is empty. Especially given his previous mental health issues.

OP posts:
FlamingoFloss · 20/08/2023 06:44

Angryappendix · 20/08/2023 06:35

In the nicest way, you need to learn to live with a young adult and lower your expectations of being informed of his whereabouts.

Stop cooking the meals if it bothers you. He works a night time job then goes out after. It’s the same at working all day then going out in the evening.

As long as he’s not waking you all up or disrespecting you, you should be happy he’s got a social circle and a job.

This 💯

Goldencup · 20/08/2023 06:46

Lizzie234 · 20/08/2023 06:41

To be fair I did say I would never impose a curfew in my original post and part of my irritation I think is the constant late nights does impact on him cleaning up after himself. Also he is just not letting me know by a reasonable time if he is coming home. This is what I’m struggling with

Well yes coming in at all hours and destroying the kitchen is not on. I have to get up for work and need a functional space so I have and will speak to him about that.

FlamingoFloss · 20/08/2023 06:46

If he comes home he comes home. If he doesn’t he doesn’t. Just leave him to it.
when he is home tell him he needs to clean up after himself and don’t worry about cooking him meals

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 20/08/2023 06:47

I think as others have said it’s normal for a 19 year old. I would set a few rules for picking up after himself, doing own washing and give him a list of chores and when they must be completed by or pay a lot of board which ever he chooses.

YukoandHiro · 20/08/2023 06:49

This is why it's healthier if by 19/20 people don't live with their parents anymore. I totally understand you worrying when he's not back, but his behaviour is 100 per cent normal at that age - if irritating to live with as a grown adult.
What kind of income does he have? Could he save to move into a house share?

Autieangel · 20/08/2023 06:49

Agree leave him to it. Don't offer lifts/or cook food just do your own thing. You could ask to share location on snap maps or iPhone if he's happy to? So you can see where he is.

YukoandHiro · 20/08/2023 06:49

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 20/08/2023 06:47

I think as others have said it’s normal for a 19 year old. I would set a few rules for picking up after himself, doing own washing and give him a list of chores and when they must be completed by or pay a lot of board which ever he chooses.

This is a good idea.

CurlewKate · 20/08/2023 06:50

I think it's reasonable to expect him to tell you if he's going to be home or not. But that's about it. When I had one this age, we agreed that he would tell me roughly where he was and whether or not he intended to come home. If he was home and I was about to cook a meal, I'd ask if he wanted some, and he did the same. And I expected him to keep shared areas clean and tidy. A bit like friends flatsharing.

Hollyisalrightactuallysorry · 20/08/2023 06:51

I don't think what you're asking is unreasonable actually.

I would set some ground rules and stick to them:
-As pp he needs to let you know by 11pm what his plans are and if he's out all night, he texts
-You'll be considerate of his sleep til 10am but then the house will run as normal
-they'll be food in the fridge for breakfast and lunch which he can make himself as long as he tidies up after
-if he wants dinner with you he needs to emerge and let you know by 3pm and must join you for food, otherwise he can help himself

Are you collecting rent from him? I know he has a low wage but I'd be taking a small portion of it for rent and then it's up to you if you put it on savings for him for when he moves out or put towards household bills

The thing you need to consider is what if he doesn't follow the rules? It's difficult to give consequences to an adult...

Rollonsept · 20/08/2023 06:54

Don't put further rules in place. Sit down with your son and explain that it would be nice and basic manners to say if he isn't coming home. Tell him you worry but if you know he isn't coming home or late at least you know.

Original poster
Lizzie234 · 20/08/2023 06:55

Thanks for these replies - I am beginning to think a lot of my irritation is coming more from him treating the house like a hotel rather than when he actually comes in! I definitely think we need another talk about ground rules regarding chores too. Sadly moving out is a long time in the future as his job is not full time. He is supposed to be going back to college in September but …… no movement there either!

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 20/08/2023 07:01

He should be helping and not messing around meal times but you can't or shouldn't control when he is out or what time he gets back

If being noisy waking everyone up that is not on though

plehpleh · 20/08/2023 07:08

Respectfully, he's an adult. Yes, he's an adult that lives in your house but still an adult. When I was that age I still lived at home and you wouldn't catch me dead telling my mum my plans, I was living in the moment.

Please try to accept his new found adult freedom, he will need you to.

Greywhippet · 20/08/2023 07:09

Lizzie234 · 20/08/2023 06:43

Totally understand about lowering the bar - it’s just frustrating waking up and his bed is empty. Especially given his previous mental health issues.

I get this feeling OP- same here at first, it used to frighten me. It gets easier with time

CurlewKate · 20/08/2023 07:17

I said to my late teen children when they were living at home not to do anything that made me look like a bad mother if they went missing and I had to do a TV appeal with the police. It appealed to their sense of the macabre!

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 20/08/2023 07:20

When I was 18, I was often out until dawn. My mum had ground rules for me which were

  • text her to let know if I was coming home or not
  • don't treat the place like a shithole and pick up after myself
  • walk the dog daily
  • do my own laundry
  • pay for my own food or cook dinner for the both of us
VanCleefArpels · 20/08/2023 07:25

You need to see him like a housemate and not a son (difficult I know!). Our basic ground rules are a) let us know if out overnight (so can close gates/set house alarm etc) and b) keep their own space sanitary

If housekeeping is an issue this is something separate to the late night partying.

Peony654 · 20/08/2023 07:26

Angryappendix · 20/08/2023 06:35

In the nicest way, you need to learn to live with a young adult and lower your expectations of being informed of his whereabouts.

Stop cooking the meals if it bothers you. He works a night time job then goes out after. It’s the same at working all day then going out in the evening.

As long as he’s not waking you all up or disrespecting you, you should be happy he’s got a social circle and a job.

This. You and DS need to have a discussion / agreement about how to live together as two adults, rather than parent and child. Eg, you don’t do anything for him round the house, but equally he can do as he wishes with his time as long as it isn’t disturbing you. I have no idea why youre offering him lifts, or telling him when you’ll be back if you go out. And having a few drinks when you finish work that late is normal, I used to do it all the time.

somewhereovertherain · 20/08/2023 07:31

19s a bit late to be introducing jobs.

as others have said if you don’t want to cook for him / clean etc don’t.

ours have had responsibility for their own clothes / rooms for years and we’ve had a cooling rota since they where about 15 so when home we all take it in turns to cook tea.

both now at uni so not home much and when they are they it’s up to them. Daughters 22
ans 21.

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