To expect 19 year old not to be out until the crack of dawn all the time

[Lizzie234]

My 19 year old son lives at home with me. Covid lockdowns had a really negative effect on him and he dropped out of college and became quite isolated and anxious. Over the last 12 months I’ve encouraged him to get a job and start socialising again. He has recently got a new job at a pub that opens until 12.30 at weekends and has also reconnected with his friends and enjoys going out - so far so good. I never impose a curfew but I am clear I like to know what time he will be back, if he is going to be late and if he is going to stay out all night.

To use yesterday as an example - he worked a shift until 12.30am and went for a drink with friends. I texted (before his shift ended) to say did he want a lift home and if not let me know what time he will be back. No response. I woke up at 4am - still not in and no text. So I texted again and eventually at half 5 this morning he messages to say he is staying somewhere else. Don’t think he would have let me know if I hadn’t asked. This is irritating because as well as me worring about him, keeping these hours means he will rock up at home and sleep most of the day and then do absolutely nothing around the house yet expect meals cooked etc! I understand he is an adult but I do feel this is getting unreasonable on his part. Would it be unreasonable to put stronger ground rules in place? I would suggest he moved out but there is no way he can afford it on his wage and I do worry about his mental health.

I also work full time and, if I do have a night out, I always let both my kids know what time I will be back and if I will be late so I don’t feel I am really asking something I would not do myself.

You can’t ask for an address at that age 😳

You can’t give an adult a curfew.

He expects meals? So what. He can expect all he likes, you don’t HAVE to cook for him.

I worked in bars as a student and it’s long, hard work and it was common to have lock in style drinks afterwards that would often go on. He’s finally socialising after 3 years and you’re moaning because it doesn’t fit in with your day. Stop now OP

I know, some posters sound like such embarrassing parents!

FGS cut the apron strings you still want to mummy parent an adult .
This is why most young adults dont know how to deal with the outside world or grow up because they have mums and dads that still treat them like their 13 .

For starters if you read my
original post properly I said I would never give him a curfew. I was simply
asking for advice so I handle the situation as best I can. There is an awful
lot of context I left out because I felt it unnecessary to overshare but I wished for advice because as a single parent I do not have another adult in the house to discuss these things with. For the record I am incredibly proud of how far he has come and I asked for advice because I did not want to set back his progress.

@WeetabixTowels

Again with reference to my reply to Weetabixtowel, there are some
things I did not include which may have provided context. I certainly don’t mummy parent. I respect he is an adult which is exactly why I asked for this advice

He’s an adult!

I was out all night at 19 and if I didn’t update my parents they’d lock the front door so I couldn’t get in. I spent a few early hours of the morning on a cold front door step. My dad was ruthless.

Waiting for him to come home some nights is exhausting. If it’s going to be sat, 2am, I set my alarm and sleep beforehand. I work full time, separated from exH and it’s very tiring at times but I can’t yet bring myself to sleep until I know he’s home (or has safely arrived at wherever he’s staying the night).

You need to address this, it isn't healthy.

Whilst he's still your boy and still living at your house, he's technically an adult. He could ring or text you to let you know he's not going to be in, just so you won't worry about whether he's ok or not.

I remember one of mine being 20 and not replying to a text asking if he wanted a lift home from somewhere - he didn't reply, and the next day he told me he'd stayed out with a woman (she was 38 and twice divorced). Your boy has been out sowing his wild oats, as they used to call it

I'm guessing you haven't got teenage/adult kids at home, ScottishIcecream?

He is going to struggle when he gets a job that does daytime hours. He should also do a share of housework, that does not mean it has to be a share done at 8am in the morning though.

Asking when he is going to be home can be agreed before he goes out to work in the evening, no harm if he arrives home earlier than expected.

I have two adult children living at home. One works shifts which are often into the early hours, but tends to plan social things in advance and is not particularly into staying out all night anyway, so no worries there. I don't bother making meals for her, just buy in food I know she likes. If I'm cooking something I know she might like to eat, I let her know and she chooses whether or not to have some.

The other is 18 and newly able to go to pubs and clubs etc, so staying out late is more of a novelty (would mostly have been at a friend's house in the past). Also has a mental health background. She and her friends tend to be more impulsive, so they can't necessarily say when they'll be back. However she always answer texts so I can find out what is happening. It's taken a bit of getting used to, I must admit, but I trust her to be with her friends, who I know will look out for her.

I do look after the 18 year old more - make sure she eats and takes her meds, as her mental state can vary.

Mine both work but neither earn enough to pay towards household expenses. Ensuring they clear up after themselves is a work in progress, I am sorry to say - older better than younger.

I do understand how it can be hard to 'let go' and mental health issues make that 10 times worse. I barely worry at all about my eldest but do a lot more re the youngest.

If you're young and work shifts that finish late like that, your socialising basically happens from midnight until dawn. If he goes out or has a lock-in after work, he's not going to be home by 1am, and I wouldn't expect a working adult to have text his mum about how he's getting home. I worked in a pub while I was living at home for six months after I graduated, and I had no mobile then, but there was never any question of me having to run my plans past my parents when I worked a late shift.

He's not a child. Yes, he lives with you, but he's adult with a job and it's healthy for him to be independent, so you need to let go a bit. It's also perfectly normal and OK for a shift worker to keep different hours to the hours you would.

He won't struggle. It's totally normal for people to move from late night bar work to day time hours. I don't know anyone who struggled with it. I managed fine.

As I said in my previous post, if you work past midnight, your social and unwinding time happens in the early hours of the morning when you've finished.

He is an adult, so I think YABU expecting him to text your his wearabouts.

Don't offer him lifts home, don't cook for him if you don't want to. Set some ground rules about keeping his room clean/ doing his own laundry/ not messing up communal areas. Like others have said, letting you know if he is not coming home at all is also reasonable if you need to lock up etc. Otherwise I think you need to give him a bit more independence.

Charge him rent too.

My only rule is “don’t get arrested” 😆

I would tell him that if he wants a lift then he needs to contact you by 10pm or whatever time suits you.(I know he works until 12:30am but presumably he knows if he's going out by whenever his break is) If it's later then he can pay for a taxi or stay somewhere else overnight. He needs to balance the perks of living at home with adult responsibility and realise that letting you know stuff is worth saving yet taxi fare. Similarly tell him that if he doesn't contact you by X pm then he'll have to make his own dinner. There may be a few times that he forgets and you've made one portion but hopefully that will motivate him to let you know next time.

As for the sleeping during the day bit, as long as he's going to work on time then you need to let it go. If he was at uni or living alone then he'd probably live like that but he's not got that luxury.

@FlyingUnicornWings Have you seem this? "Don't add to the population. Don't subtract from the population. Stay out of the newspapers, the hospital and jail. If you do end up in jail, establish dominance quickly" 🤣

Might put this on the fridge. 😆

One minute you say he was mentally affected by lockdown and never went out (or couldn't) and the next he's going out too much.
If he's polite and well behaved (other than being in your view out too much and too late) count yourself lucky.
The only realistic worry could perhaps be drugs especially with working late in a pub.

Well I do and agree with @ScottishIceCream - totally unhealthy to monitor adults in this way

At least he’s home at dawn! I used to go to work on Friday morning and have a 3 day bender coming back home to my mum on Monday or Tuesday. Let him enjoy his youth

Setting an alarm for 2am just to wake up to check for adult children coming home is excessive, and unhealthy. It can't be doing any good to be disturbing sleep like that, and to be exhausted doing this checking.