To expect 19 year old not to be out until the crack of dawn all the time

[Lizzie234]

My 19 year old son lives at home with me. Covid lockdowns had a really negative effect on him and he dropped out of college and became quite isolated and anxious. Over the last 12 months I’ve encouraged him to get a job and start socialising again. He has recently got a new job at a pub that opens until 12.30 at weekends and has also reconnected with his friends and enjoys going out - so far so good. I never impose a curfew but I am clear I like to know what time he will be back, if he is going to be late and if he is going to stay out all night.

To use yesterday as an example - he worked a shift until 12.30am and went for a drink with friends. I texted (before his shift ended) to say did he want a lift home and if not let me know what time he will be back. No response. I woke up at 4am - still not in and no text. So I texted again and eventually at half 5 this morning he messages to say he is staying somewhere else. Don’t think he would have let me know if I hadn’t asked. This is irritating because as well as me worring about him, keeping these hours means he will rock up at home and sleep most of the day and then do absolutely nothing around the house yet expect meals cooked etc! I understand he is an adult but I do feel this is getting unreasonable on his part. Would it be unreasonable to put stronger ground rules in place? I would suggest he moved out but there is no way he can afford it on his wage and I do worry about his mental health.

I also work full time and, if I do have a night out, I always let both my kids know what time I will be back and if I will be late so I don’t feel I am really asking something I would not do myself.

Ironically because he has got worried if I don’t!!!! It’s ridiculous really. The lifts were initially a bit of support around his anxiety and me wanting to ensure he didn’t lose this job because of his mental health (it happened before) but I think it is getting to be a habit now for both of us now.

Thank you - I think I would find things easier if he hadn’t had a rough few years

He's 19, it's summer, he works late and socialises afterwards.

Maybe he met a girl and ended up staying at hers. That really isn't your business.

Kindly, I think you need to assume he will be out and that he will prepare his own food unless he says otherwise. You've done well to get him back out there working and socialising but now it's time to let go and just keep an eye from a distance.

I also have young adults
I’d expect to be messaged if they weren’t coming home or at least told beforehand they ‘may not’ come home.
Also want to know if they’re back for dinner - if not they get leftovers or have to make their own.
I thunk the above is politeness as I may change what I’m cooking depending on who is home.
Re jobs, i expect a certain level of clearing up/cleanliness/to do a chore if I ask but rotas never worked here as someone would be out/swap, then it wasn’t fair etc.

This would worry me. It's jumped from one extreme to the other. I'd have a chat and say you are really glad he has a job and a social life but staying up all night every night suggests heaving drinking, gaming or drugs which aren't the best start to adult life and if he's getting into a habit of any of these, he deserves more and to have higher aspirations for himself.

Also, he must show respect while living at home, and text you to say he won't be back and an address where he's staying. That's not treating him like a child. I'd expect DH to give me an address if he was away from home, in case of emergencies.

It's also okay to have a kitchen rule. I often came down to greasy pans from 2 am fry ups by ds1 who also keeps night hours and it is so depressing, so now I say the person who starts the day at 6.30 am needs to come down to a clean kitchen. Most of the time he remembers.

That's a low bar. I expect my young adult Dc to let me know if they're staying out all night and a rough time if when they will be in. That's just polite when you're living with other people.

I have a 19 yr old son too. He just tells me if he is unlikely to come home that evening. And he will send a message (normally) if he decides last minute to stay out all night. I don't stress about it tbh. He's travelled the world and about to go to Uni. My 17 year old DD on the other hand 😳😩🙄
So just let him go about his business. Ask him if he thinks he will be home that night but if he isn't, try not to worry. He's an adult and as long as he's not disrespecting your home then I would just go with it . Goodluck

I wouldn't ask for an address though. OP is not in the same sort of relationship as you and your DH. Presumably you don't really stay out often as husband and wife plus you are older (big difference).

OP doesn't want to come across as overbearing.

I have an 18yo and navigating this bit has been interesting.

I've avoided any kind of rules because, well, they're an adult. But what I have asked for is a bit of mutual respect. So, I said to him that you see how I leave the kitchen, you need to do the same. And try and let me know overnight plans because we lock the door differently of he's going to be out all night.

We've had a few new situations arise and we talk about them, not in a 'you're in trouble kind of way' more, so, this is new and I think the way to manage it is this, unless you have a better idea...

Food wise, if he's about, I'll plate him up a meal/he will eat with us. If I know his plans and he I know he could do with a meal, I'll plate him one up. Otherwise I make sure there is a ready supply of easy to grab stuff, like wraps, salad, cheese, eggs, the Jamaican patties he loves etc.

So far, it's working pretty well.

At 19 I was coming home at all hours. My mum was up all night worrying. Eventually she told me it wasn't a hotel and to let her know my plans or move out. I very quickly let her know if I would be staying out or roughly what time I'd be home. With a 17 year old now I can see I was being a dick. Let him know you're worrying and either drop youna text or get his own place and then he can do what he likes

An address? Cringe! He could be at uni now and OP wouldn’t have a clue what he was up to. That is treating him like a child!

Completely different to a relationship with a partner and staying out unplanned.

Sometimes he wouldn’t know if he’s staying out all night, I wouldn’t be happy with a 3am text to wake me up.

I wouldn’t enforce a curfew but I would stop being his maid and chef.

My just turned 18 year old (August baby) is off to University in four weeks and I am not going to be privy to his whereabouts. Maybe you need to stop asking him. I know it’s hard but it’s part of becoming an adult.

The problem isn't the hours he keeps, it's him doing nothing round the house.

I also have a nearly 19 year old who works in a pub and sometimes socialises after closing time. He knows to let me know what his plans are every day/night and when to expect him home. Waiting for him to come home some nights is exhausting. If it’s going to be sat, 2am, I set my alarm and sleep beforehand. I work full time, separated from exH and it’s very tiring at times but I can’t yet bring myself to sleep until I know he’s home (or has safely arrived at wherever he’s staying the night).

I think you just have to remind them to update you on their plans and whereabouts. My son also knows to always answer my call/text no matter what time it is or what he’s doing and to ring the home phone if his mobile is out of charge.

I love that he’s so sociable, independent and sensible but also love it when he comes home early or has a night in with his girlfriend, it means I can relax and get an early night!

My DD is 22 and a bit more thoughtful now with texts etc if she isn’t coming home. I used to hate getting up in the night to find an empty bed and no text.

id be pleased he was working and socialising OP, sounds a big improvement.

@AnnieFarmer kindly, this is not healthy. What would you do if he were away at University? Or in a flat share? How old would he need to be before you stop monitoring his movements? It’s very difficult (I have 2 kids in their twenties, one still living at home) but you do need to let them live their lives if they are still sharing your home

I was out until the crack of dawn every night when I was 19 and I didn't even have a job so that one up from me.
They were the best years of my life 😃

Our only rule is that I want to wake up to a text saying he is home. Without fail he sends a ‘I am home and have locked up’ message. Never messes the kitchen.

Only once did I tell him off for not sending me a text. He explained that he didn’t think he needed to that night as he had come home at 2230 and his dad was around. I am an early sleeper 😂

It’s so much easier when he is away at university. Ignorance is bliss!

Hmm. I see it a bit differently. But then my 19 year old is off at Uni so doesn't 'live' with us. Letting someone know you aren't coming back, isn't always necessary. But some respect and communication is required.

Plus doing it most nights isn't good, then sleeping all day. Obviously after Covid and his anxiety and dropping at college. You are just pleased that he's got a job at all and mixing with friends which is great!

but as a long-term plan this is not sustainable. I don't know what he wants to do long-term, but keeping this up long-term doesn't sound like a great idea.

Thing is that you worrying about him shouldn’t become his problem. You need to be able to let go and accept that if he moved out you’d have no idea if he was coming home at night or not. However if he wants to live like an adult and be treated as such then he can pull his weight and cook for himself etc

You’re also expecting a level of planning that he isn’t doing; he doesn’t know if he’s going to be staying out or not. At 2am he may think he’ll go home at 3am but then 3am comes around and he decides not to or the night goes differently. Also when you’re drinking you don’t think like that either

But he's not at uni. He lives at home. Asking for an address is not cringey in the slightest. It's not as if she'll park outside. It's just in case of emergencies. If he went missing, I'd want to know the last place he'd intended to be. Just as I would with DH. Out of love not excessive control.

I think asking for an address is controlling, sorry. If you are that bothered track him use life 360. I know it's hard, but we have to let them live their life. I worry when DS is walking home late at night but I to remind myself the police wouldn't do anything for at 24 hours.And as my lovely DM used to say " bad news travels quickly".