To expect 19 year old not to be out until the crack of dawn all the time

[Lizzie234]

My 19 year old son lives at home with me. Covid lockdowns had a really negative effect on him and he dropped out of college and became quite isolated and anxious. Over the last 12 months I’ve encouraged him to get a job and start socialising again. He has recently got a new job at a pub that opens until 12.30 at weekends and has also reconnected with his friends and enjoys going out - so far so good. I never impose a curfew but I am clear I like to know what time he will be back, if he is going to be late and if he is going to stay out all night.

To use yesterday as an example - he worked a shift until 12.30am and went for a drink with friends. I texted (before his shift ended) to say did he want a lift home and if not let me know what time he will be back. No response. I woke up at 4am - still not in and no text. So I texted again and eventually at half 5 this morning he messages to say he is staying somewhere else. Don’t think he would have let me know if I hadn’t asked. This is irritating because as well as me worring about him, keeping these hours means he will rock up at home and sleep most of the day and then do absolutely nothing around the house yet expect meals cooked etc! I understand he is an adult but I do feel this is getting unreasonable on his part. Would it be unreasonable to put stronger ground rules in place? I would suggest he moved out but there is no way he can afford it on his wage and I do worry about his mental health.

I also work full time and, if I do have a night out, I always let both my kids know what time I will be back and if I will be late so I don’t feel I am really asking something I would not do myself.

I’m not sure which bit of it isn’t healthy. I thought I was normal? My ds’s friends mums are all the same as me. I think it’s respectful to let people you live with know what time you’ll be home, and update them if plans alter… when he is away, and I don’t expect him home then he obviously does need to tell me what time he’ll be home. So yes, if he was away at uni. for example, I wouldn’t expect him to tell me what time he’ll be home. Our way works for us and ds hadn’t ever called me ‘unhealthy’ his girlfriend tells me her mum is exactly the same. Nothing ‘not healthy’ about it.

I know my parents didn't want me to be out until the crack of dawn at 19. I was, tho. I was working and contributing to the household so did as I pleased regarding my own social life, their complaints went in 1 ear and out of the other. You need to stop trying to tie the apron strings around your son's neck. He's an adult. He could leave home soon enough then you won't be able to track him anyway, will you? If you hold "you're under my roof!" over his head you could find he gets away ASAP. I was OK with my DCs staying out overnight sometimes, as long as they text me.

I went back to my mums house for a bit in my early 30s (rented house was sold). I still told her if I was coming home or not.
But, I wasn't "going out" at gone midnight in the first place. He likely doesn't even know himself if he is coming home for a while, or possibly doesn't feel like he's been out all night when the "night" only started at 1am after closing up the pub. So yes, referencing the title of your OP, YABU.

Nothing unreasonable about expecting him to clean up after himself though.

Just because he expects you to cook meals doesn't mean you have to. If you don't want the place treated like a hotel, why act like you're running one?

Set a few ground rules and also a deadline for him to either get into full-time work or be in college.

At 19 I would say out until 7am I lived alone though let him live his life