Asking strangers for money, Go Fund Me, just giving etc.

[Cringeworth]

I’ve seen so many fundraising posts on social media, another two this morning for people I don’t know prompted me to do this thread. Some for disabled people, some for pet care, some for funerals, some for charities etc.
I’m not specifically talking about people using their own page, I suppose it’s a good way to reach out to family and friends (I’ve donated to friend’s charity fundraisers this way. I mean news pages, community interest pages etc. reaching the general public.

I have a really strong urge to eye roll when I see people essentially asking strangers to give them money. In the case of funerals, the only thing certain in life is death, so I’m not sure why people do not prepare for funerals (I get unexpected deaths re: accidents) but I can’t understand that family and friends can’t cobble enough together to cover this. Why ask strangers.
Some fundraising for sports/activity clubs too, just give us money. When I was a child we used to do some sort of service to collect money, E.g. bag pack at the local store, clean cars etc.
I know I can scroll past them and I do, would literally be a pauper if I gave to all that I saw. I just hate the default, something has happened let’s set up a fundraising (in some/most cases begging) page.
I don’t know why I feel so strongly about this, so I guess I’m after your views.

AIBU-
YABU- it’s a legitimate way for people to raise money for what they need.
YANBU- there literally doesn’t need to be a just giving, go fund me page for everything, people should take more responsibility for themselves, help should be sought from friends and family not the general public.

Im.sorry for your loss
I did see this ,this week.a young chilld local to.me sadly passed away suddenly and a go fund me was set up, for funeral.costs .

Every situation is different. I would love to have been in a position where I didn’t have to rely on the kindness of community to get me through.

In the 11 years my DP and I were together his Mum succumbed to dementia - we cared for her in our home for 18 months until we couldn’t keep her safe - and mine to ovarian cancer. MIL is now a vegetable in a care home, all her assets used up on that. No inheritance as such from my Mum. Although we were both working it was a never ending game of chasing one’s tail.

Mea culpa, we didn’t get things sorted out because we lurched from one crisis to another.

My future now is simply focused on not leaving a shitstorm for my son to sort out and it’s daunting.

You simply have no idea how things are for other people is all I’m saying and the judgement in this particular area is hard to swallow. It smacks of the whole deserving versus undeserving poor rhetoric.

I’ve tried to take responsibility and stand on my own two feet for 54 years. Unfortunately I am also one of those people who gets the rug pulled out from under them in the most unforseeable ways on a regular basis. My resilience now has all the consistency of porridge.

I don’t want sympathy or charity, I want, just for once for life to be a straightish line rather than a fucking scribble.

Money is just a tool that keeps the world turning. I don’t resent those who have it, nor begrudge when people need a helping hand. If a go fund me or just giving helps someone in crisis, so be it.

One day I’ll hopefully be in a position to pay it forward. In fact I have - I’ve donated when one of my adult son’s friends took his own life, to a friend suffering with cancer, to someone with a sick pet, when I was able. Because having no money is shit and drives people in crisis to very dark places.

You can get help with the cost of a funeral
Here

@MistressoftheDarkSide thank you for sharing. Your posts are beautifully written and heartbreaking. I wish you a brighter future, truly x

@BroomHandledMouser

Thank you - that truly means alot x

@MistressoftheDarkSide sorry for what's happened to you. But I sort of get where the OP's coming from.
As someone who has donated to these things myself.
It seems to be the 'default' position to immediately get money together when something bad happens. Like in the Nicola Bulley case a 'friend' started a fundraiser, without the family's knowledge. What for?
The requests are also relentless. My local community FB page is chock full of them but worse still, knowing the families at least a quarter of them don't actually need the money.

There are lots of charities that will help in many situations, funerals for example you can get government help. People don't want to do all that. I understand that in times of bereavement they may not be thinking straight but the GoFundMe's are not set up by them anyway... by friends, who can surely do the research?

Of course, of course, I can just scroll past, but I can't say that I have zero reaction when I see it. I still donate - but only to people that I know are genuine.

Also your comment about 'deserving' vs 'undeserving' poor is ironic. Because this is exactly what direct fundraising perpetuates. It is imploring people to give directly to causes THEY find worthy, by logical extension of course they're going to judge what deserves their money! The point of paying taxes is that it gets distributed, ideally, fairly, without being subject to the vagaries of individual judgement. But that doesn't happen.

@MistressoftheDarkSide I’m still not sure why making my own funeral arrangements is distasteful.

I’m not judging anyone who genuinely needs help, seeking it. My post was about setting up pages to ask strangers for money and this being the default first choice for many, as you’ve said you would not have approached the people who knew your DH if you didn’t absolutely have too, therefore my original post is not aimed at you at all. I have given to my friends and people I know through their just giving pages, when I know it’s genuine. I’ve seen people set up pages for the ‘help’ they need and then book a holiday.
I have asked friends and family for help when I have needed it too. I don’t have an issue with charitable giving at all, it’s the ever increasing volume of requests by those who don’t need it and the scamming and advantage taking I am judging.

This exactly OP.

Where did I say making one’s own funeral arrangements is distasteful? I think something may have been lost in translation here as my position is definitely that if one can one should?

Anyone can ask me for anything. That doesn't mean I will give it. The decision is always down to the giver and not to the expectations of the person asking.

It's almost irrelevant if it's a scam or not because no one is being forced to respond to the request.

@MistressoftheDarkSide I must have misunderstood. Sorry, I took it from:

“But your opening post specifically mentioned funeral cost fund raising and that it’s something that should be covered or prepared for in advance. Others have said it’s distasteful end of story.”

Did you mean that funeral fundraising should have been omitted altogether from my original post?
I did include funerals, because I have seen people fundraise for funerals and then book a holiday. I personally don’t think that people should be asking others to help them not be out of pocket. Sorry if I still haven’t got your meaning.

It’s optional though, you can click away just as you would an advert for cheap clothing from China. And avoid being scammed in the same way.
Yes, the whole world of GFM and JG for scouts to travel to the other side of the world, repatriation for drunken people who didn’t take responsibility and had accidents, birthday gifts, trips and unnecessary wishes and wants annoys me. So I don’t participate or contribute to appeals I don’t believe in.
But I learnt that years ago, from the endless badgering and chugging by mainstream charities, the in-your-face hard sell by causes I’d donated to and then they came back hard and fast for the rest, using everything from persuasion to emotional blackmail to manipulate money out of me.

I would never give to any of these pages, too many scammers.

Plan for your own funeral expenses or direct cremation, don't expect randoms to do.

I dislike it and wish it would be more regulated.

It is the modern day begging-and a disabled child is, as it was back in the Victorian days, a popular way of getting more money.

If it's been something I know a little about, then more often than not I know what they are claiming isn't true, or at best a stretch of the truth.

For example: My dd was born without a hand. I often see appeals to get prosthetics. Did you know the NHS provides free of charge pretty good ones? Very rarely gets mentioned. DD had a cosmetic one at 5 months, moved to a manually operated split hook at 18 months, and a myoelectric at 4yo. She's also had a swimming arm (not much help, but worth a try), and a functional prosthesis that you change the end for what you want-she has a gym function, a knife and a hook. That's all on the NHS.

There's a good reason why they don't provide myoelectric hands at 9 months old, which is one of the excuses for fundraising for one - the child will not be able to operate them. When Dd got one at 4yo she was considered fairly young to operate one. Any private prosthetic company that is prepared to do one at that age should not be trusted to do the right thing for the children in their care.

And actually the majority of children born without a hand choose not to use a prosthetic. I can count on the fingers on one hand the number of children I know who choose to long term use them (I can think of 2 offhand)-of all the children who have fundraised I've known, none of them has worn them more than a couple of days after the inevitable Facebook video of them unboxing them.

I also think often it puts money into phoney cures, often in America, where desperate parents put their hopes in claims that have no evidence, playing $10ks or even $100ks for what has nothing behind it. There's a huge industry in fake hopes.

Ah, right I see…..

I meant others have said it’s distasteful to accept donations for a funeral as it should be planned for in advance etc.

Had we had any “spare” money I would have done what my Mum did and taken out several of those small life insurance policies aimed at over 50s that pay out a small sum regardless of illness etc. In fact, if I ever get out of the debt hole I’m in then that is what I intend to do.

It’s funny though, isn’t it - the advice to go to the state in times of need when that is also seen as a moral failure and evidence of a lack of personal responsibility? We pay in for just that reason, when we are desperate, but our desperation is always our own fault.

As I’ve said, with the best will in the world sometimes life is not straightforward.

I am very fortunate that my community wanted to help me, to show their love for my DP who was well known, loved and respected locally. But it came with its own price as my bereavement was therefore very public and 18 months in I’m still not anywhere near dealing with my loss - it’s been very surreal.

Quite obviously the world doesn’t stop turning when someone dies, bills need to be paid and I am well aware that lots of other people go through this, and worse. If a few quid going into a funeral fundraiser helps then so be it.

The friends who set up mine were quite transparent that it was for funeral costs and living expenses until I could function. It gave me two months grace before I could go back to my business as a sole wage earner. No treats or holidays for me. But perhaps if I had gotten a break I wouldn’t be fighting for therapy now, who knows?

An acquaintance of mine set up a go fund me to pay for an operation on one of their pets - they had multiple animals and no insurance. The money was raised, and then six months down the line that person bought a huge new house. Not with the donated money, obviously, but they clearly had plenty of funds/access to borrowing, and it all felt really tasteless, played out on social media.

They still have no pet insurance.

YANBU I've just unfollowed one of DH's friends on FB because although they are a lovely, fun couple but over the last few years they seem to have done nothing but ask for money.
DC going to jamboree, DC on a school trip to Africa to build a school, they are renovating a listed building which will eventually be run as a pub with rooms and appear to have no idea of how much it would cost or the state of the place when they bought it. They have a funding page and are also asking for people to sponsor a picnic table at £250 a pop so they can sell beer out of a marquee because they have zero hope of opening anytime soon and now the DC who went to Africa is going back on a gap year and friends and family are expected to fund that as well.
Surely their comes a point when you think we have to pay for our own stuff or not do it.

@MistressoftheDarkSide sorry, that was my misunderstanding.

Please, please look carefully into those policies, some are very unforgiving if you fall on hard times. My Grandfather paid into one lots of money (by our standards). He missed one payment when we lost my Nana and he is now going to get less than he paid in. He wished he had locked it away in an ISA or something instead. I don’t know if I can name the one he was with, but it was advertised on television and by well-known celebrities

Oh come on. There is no reason why it has to be 'thousands of pounds', maybe check your own privilege

Yep, but the NHS is crap, didn't you get the memo? Private everything is the only way🙄

Thank you for the heads up - I’ll be very careful when hopefully I get the opportunity to look into it.

This sounds like a lie as it's messed up but it's 100% true. Woman I know fundraised as her child died of cancer and got a boob job.

Reminded me of another who fundraiser for a home for her disabled sibling and got loads of donations, yet the local council had housed them.