Asking strangers for money, Go Fund Me, just giving etc.

[Cringeworth]

I’ve seen so many fundraising posts on social media, another two this morning for people I don’t know prompted me to do this thread. Some for disabled people, some for pet care, some for funerals, some for charities etc.
I’m not specifically talking about people using their own page, I suppose it’s a good way to reach out to family and friends (I’ve donated to friend’s charity fundraisers this way. I mean news pages, community interest pages etc. reaching the general public.

I have a really strong urge to eye roll when I see people essentially asking strangers to give them money. In the case of funerals, the only thing certain in life is death, so I’m not sure why people do not prepare for funerals (I get unexpected deaths re: accidents) but I can’t understand that family and friends can’t cobble enough together to cover this. Why ask strangers.
Some fundraising for sports/activity clubs too, just give us money. When I was a child we used to do some sort of service to collect money, E.g. bag pack at the local store, clean cars etc.
I know I can scroll past them and I do, would literally be a pauper if I gave to all that I saw. I just hate the default, something has happened let’s set up a fundraising (in some/most cases begging) page.
I don’t know why I feel so strongly about this, so I guess I’m after your views.

AIBU-
YABU- it’s a legitimate way for people to raise money for what they need.
YANBU- there literally doesn’t need to be a just giving, go fund me page for everything, people should take more responsibility for themselves, help should be sought from friends and family not the general public.

Providing that the reasons given are honest and genuine, then you have the choice to donate or not.

Personal responsibility would be ideal of course, but not the reality. Funds for unexpected life events are something many have reduced because of the need for basic things such as keeping the roof over your head and food.

The ones that annoy me are the ones where someone has had an accident r on holiday and needs to pay hospital bills etc. Then you scroll past all the sympathetic tutting to the part where they didn't take out insurance as they " didn't think they would need it"

My DH has an old friend from college (from before we met) that we have probably 'bumped in' for a 10 second conversation about 6 times in 15 years.

I don't know him except knowing that he cheated on his wife then bailed leaving her with their HEAVILY disabled child. Knocked the other woman up then bailed on her too. His ex wife remained part of the group most cut ties with him.

I have only actively spoke to him once. To invite him to our wedding (DH wanted to invite him as he wanted the 'old crew' there) to which he responded 'whats in it for me' and 'I'll come if you pay me' (honestly my facial expression must have been like a Deer in the headlights at that response).

He has on several occasions messaged me on facebook (we are not friends) with thes go-fund-mes for his holidays and to buy a new car because he is 'depressed' and needs 'cheering up'.

I have honestly never met such a leech before... utterly baffling why no one wants to hang out with him anymore.

Anyone else remember the Nicola Bulley one asking for £50k? With all the public interest in the case, if their initial target had been £5k I'm sure they would have raised A LOT more.

@Goldenboysmum , I'm so sorry

And as long as kindly and well-meaning but gullible people keep paying their bills, they won't think they will 'ever need it' because someone will always come along and pay it for them. They soon learn if anything happens that can rinse money from everyone else so why bother?

I think it's up to people if they want to donate or not. But there is, in some cases, no way to know if the money is being used for the purpose that is supposed to be used for. See what some Twitter users are saying re Jack Monroe for instance.

Sometimes they have insurance but the insurance won't pay up. I saw a programme on tv a few weeks ago where a woman had gone on holiday and had ended up in hospital to be told she had a brain tumour. Because she had previously visited her GP once to complain about headaches (GP hadn't thought it was anything to worry about) the insurance company refused to pay. The hospital abroad wouldn't release her until the family came up with £65,000 which they were lucky enough to be able to provide.

My second post was aimed at a poster who loftily claimed that is what they would do.

Look, there are scammers out there, there is actual fraud, some “causes” may be dubious.

These platforms exist and if your main concern is protecting people who can’t afford to donate from being scammed then that’s fine.

But your opening post specifically mentioned funeral cost fund raising and that it’s something that should be covered or prepared for in advance. Others have said it’s distasteful end of story.

I appreciate this is very personal on my part, but guilt and shame and the grieving process mean that it’s a touchy subject and one I struggle with as the reason I got “free money” was because my soul mate died horribly and my life as I recognise it is now over.

I’m fully aware I don’t have to look at threads or comment if it upsets me, before anyone suggests I step away from the internet, but actually there are some judgemental comments here about motivation and morality that really do twist the knife and it’s very much a “walk a mile in my shoes” situation.

I didn’t want money. I wanted my DP not to be dead. Without the money though I might now be homeless. I might still end up that way, but hey ho.

People can ask for money for anything they want. They can set up frauds. People can choose to donate - or not. You can judge people for doing it, or being gullible enough to fall for it all you like.

If you have concerns then report them.

But is it a case of “It’s not right” or…. “It’s not fair” ….. ?

In the case of funerals, the only thing certain in life is death, so I’m not sure why people do not prepare for funerals (I get unexpected deaths re: accidents) but I can’t understand that family and friends can’t cobble enough together to cover this.

The average cost of a funeral is about £4k. That's a lot to 'cobble together'. Not everyone has a large family or lots of friends. And it isn't the fault of those left behind that the deceased hasn't made provision for a funeral.

No one is forced to donate.

@MistressoftheDarkSide I’m interested to know why it’s distasteful to prepare for a funeral. I hope I’m not going anywhere soon, but I’ve spoken to DH about my wishes, what I would like, what I don’t want money to be wasted on. We do have a pot which we absolutely try not to touch (I starting saving this when my nana explained what a pauper’s funeral in the ‘olden’ days was.) Of course with the cost of living and everything else, it’s getting harder and harder to keep that pot going to one side, but if we do dip into it I would prioritise replenishing this first. We don’t have a pot for DC, but God forbid if they went first we would use our pot. I absolutely don’t think everyone has to do what I have done at all, but just wonder why what I have done is ‘distasteful.’?

If people haven’t made their own preparations one of the options I suggested was asking friends and family and said these pages are a good way to reach out to them. Payment plan with funeral directors and options with the council which I added to my more outing response. I don’t think a just giving page so be the default option for all the situations I see them for. I don’t see anyway that strangers can know if someone is genuine and it’s not a scam if it’s common place to ask strangers.

People can give if they want to. I have a policy of not giving if I don't know the people personally. Knowing someone personally, there was one time I chose not to give to their fundraiser. I don't like funeral ones. Yes, they are expensive and sudden but when I had to pay for one in full, I used credit cards and paid them off over time. I just feel like, "I had to pay for my funeral, pay for yours." Maybe that's not fair but I can't help how I feel. Like everyone, use your own judgement.

@AvengedQuince child goes to school /
Playgroup/ respite

My sister set one up on my behalf when my 22 year old son died of Cancer in 2021,as a single (working) mom with an 8 year old I had no spare cash to fund his funeral,or to even save up prior,I couldn't even comprehend the thought he was going to die let alone try to save up for a funeral.As a normal working family even if we all pitched in it wouldn't have been enough to cover everything.One day he was getting ready to go to see his favourite football team then he took a sudden turn for the worse one and was gone 3 days later.
Most of the donations were from his friends,their families,wider families etc and I will be eternally grateful from the bottom of my heart that we could give him a funeral that reflected the beautiful,courageous and amazing young man that he was.
Every penny went on the funeral,headstone and memorial to him and I genuinely don't know what I would have done without GoFundme and the utter kindness of people 💔.

@FutureThroughLensOfThePast it doesn’t have to be that much. Obviously costs vary on location, but plans can be as little as £900. In one of my responses I explained that we did a payment plan with the funeral director with a small deposit and a more expensive memorial when we could afford it.
I personally don’t think it should be the responsibility of the friends and family and that’s why I’m trying to make provision for mine and DH is doing the same, but I definitely don’t think it’s the responsibility of strangers either, which is the point of my post, there are so many just giving pages asking strangers to cover costs.

@HalliwellManor so sorry for your loss. The loss of anyone is heartbreaking, but especially harrowing, someone so young.

My post isn’t against Gofundme in the way your sister did. It’s the ones aimed at strangers.

If a total stranger appeared on your doorstep asking for a donation would you give them money? Its the "distance" that social media provides that makes it acceptable.

Thanks @Lorrymum for this perspective. I think you have articulated how I feel about it, much more succinctly than I could.

It's also easier to just click away than say no to someone's face. I wasn't asked for money but gave the local homeless man a 20 as I walked past him the other day. I prefer that sort of giving as it's on my own initiative and not demanded.

That's not going to be the case for many people with a family member with a disability or illness though. My family member's husband is struggling to make ends meet on one wage let alone save for the mobility aids she needs.

Another family member is an 80 year old carer, she waited months for two weeks respite and can't just work harder if there was something she needed. Even if she was younger, she wouldn't be able to work at all.

I would never donate to any where the purpose for the money is unclear. Also ones which involve someone not bothering to take out travel insurance!

I have no problem with these at all and regularly give even if I don't directly know the person/family if it's a reliable link. Wouldn't ever donate to someone fundraising for a trip but sometimes awful things happen to people and if the only way you can help a tiny bit is financial, then happy to do that.

Also I have seen lots of these for funerals of children being shared by people on Facebook. Now if a child has died thats obviously very sad but I instantly get scammy vibes from a lot of them (and some where proven to be scams).

They are usually asking for a large chunk of money and in the UK funerals for under 18s are actually free its only add ons and extras that cost money.

I know because its a service I have personally received. Everything was sorted for us by the hospital (cremation, casket, hearse, ceremony, urn) the only thing we had to do (if we wanted) was provide flowers and the local florist did that for £15.

We also provided things to go in the coffin (like a teddy) but we wanted and ask to do that, it was never expected.

I'm assuming they play on the fact that those that haven't lost a child don't know about them being free (It kind of something most people either need to be told or find when googling for funeral stuff for children).

https://www.gov.uk/child-funeral-costs

@JusthereforXmas thanks so much for sharing. Very useful for people to know if they are ever in the horrendous position you have been in. Also for others who might be at risk of scammers.

Very sorry for your loss.