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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Name "drama" — would this offend you?

99 replies

TheBadNameClub · 20/08/2023 00:32

I've always hated my first name and have opted to be known by my surname since I was a teen. It's a surname that sounds like a first name.

There's a new transfer in my department at work. A few days ago, the new transfer found out that the name I go by is not actually my first name.

Her: Oh that's interesting. Why don't you go by first name?
Me: Oh I really hate first name, been going by last name since I was a teen.
Her: That (referring to my first name) is my daughter's name.

She's been cold to me since then! We usually have a long chat in the pantry in the morning before work but she now leaves when I enter. She's also less friendly (still professional though) than before. I wouldn't have said anything if I'd known her daughter has the same name as me but what's done is done. Would what I said really offend you?

YABU — This would offend me
YANBU — I wouldn't be offended

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 20/08/2023 00:35

I can see why someone saying they hate her child's name is a tad upsetting. I think as long as she's being professional it's fine. If it starts interfering with work then she needs to grow up and get over it.

Ricochetsandwhich · 20/08/2023 00:36

I’d probably feel uncomfortable for a few minutes but I wouldn’t be an arse about it like your colleague seems to be. Maybe offer an olive branch to clear the air. She might just be feeling awkward.

FunnysInLaJardin · 20/08/2023 00:36

she sounds like a loon!

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/08/2023 00:38

What did you say when she said it was her daughter’s name?

Something like: ”It really suits some people, just not me - I couldn’t identify with it but I bet it suits your DD.”

Or just a bald stare and leaving her hanging?

It sounds like she’s being super childish but you could have mitigated it a bit!

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2023 00:39

If the name thing is the reason for her change in behaviour, she has the thinnest skin ever and I wouldn't give this another thought.

Original poster
TheBadNameClub · 20/08/2023 00:42

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/08/2023 00:38

What did you say when she said it was her daughter’s name?

Something like: ”It really suits some people, just not me - I couldn’t identify with it but I bet it suits your DD.”

Or just a bald stare and leaving her hanging?

It sounds like she’s being super childish but you could have mitigated it a bit!

I can't remember the exact words but I said something along the lines of "oh, it's not a bad name at all but I think I just didn't suit it". Probably could've said something better but I was feeling a bit awkward and couldn't think of something more diplomatic on the spot.

OP posts:
FlamingYam · 20/08/2023 00:46

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/08/2023 00:38

What did you say when she said it was her daughter’s name?

Something like: ”It really suits some people, just not me - I couldn’t identify with it but I bet it suits your DD.”

Or just a bald stare and leaving her hanging?

It sounds like she’s being super childish but you could have mitigated it a bit!

Also wondering this as I think that's the defining factor more so.

She sounds childish and silly if that's the reason why. I cannot believe that you're the only person to say they don't like the name and you are able to say you don't like your own name without directing it at her or her child. She needs to grow up.

What's your email address out of interest? First name.lastname@ workplace.com or is it adapted? And how do you sign them off? Just intrigued is all.

SnowyPetals · 20/08/2023 00:48

She's being a bit silly if she's expecting everyone in the world to like her the name she happens to have called her child. By accident she's discovered someone who doesn't. It's not as if she said "I have a daughter called X", and you replied "Oh God what an awful name".

UpaladderwatchingTV · 20/08/2023 00:48

I think I'd be inclined to tackle her about it and try and clear the air. Say something along the lines, of 'Unless I've done something else, I think I may have offended you when I said I hated my first name, not knowing that it's your daughter's name. I'm really sorry if that's the case, but just because I don't feel the name suits me, it doesn't mean it doesn't suit your child, and I'd hate to feel that something like that has caused an atmosphere between us. Obviously if I've done something else that's upset you, then please tell me, so I can try and put it right'. That way you've put the ball in her court to tell you if you've inadvertently done something else, and if it's just the name thing, then it will maybe make her see that she's being unreasonable, and she might even apologise for going OTT. Otherwise, she's clearly over sensitive, and I'd be keeping the relationship between you purely professional in future.

Original poster
TheBadNameClub · 20/08/2023 00:52

FlamingYam · 20/08/2023 00:46

Also wondering this as I think that's the defining factor more so.

She sounds childish and silly if that's the reason why. I cannot believe that you're the only person to say they don't like the name and you are able to say you don't like your own name without directing it at her or her child. She needs to grow up.

What's your email address out of interest? First name.lastname@ workplace.com or is it adapted? And how do you sign them off? Just intrigued is all.

Show quote history

I said something along the lines of "oh, it's not a bad name at all but I think I just didn't suit it".

Our company's email addresses are not standardised. Most just have first@company and if someone comes along with the same name they have firstl@. Mine's just "first"@ and I sign off with that too.

OP posts:
Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 00:55

I wouldn't be offended. Its ok not to like the same names. I think she needs to get a grip.

RitzyMcFitzy · 20/08/2023 01:01

She's being a silly little diddy.

If you'd found out you shared a first name with her daughter and then said 'ewww, I've always hated that name' it would be one thing. But her choosing to be offended because not everyone loves her kid's name? Diddy.

JudgeRudy · 20/08/2023 01:11

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/08/2023 00:38

What did you say when she said it was her daughter’s name?

Something like: ”It really suits some people, just not me - I couldn’t identify with it but I bet it suits your DD.”

Or just a bald stare and leaving her hanging?

It sounds like she’s being super childish but you could have mitigated it a bit!

Yes I agree, it's how you responded that would influence my reaction. Even an embarrassed 'oops' sort of reply would do I guess.

KeepOnPushingOn · 20/08/2023 01:13

I have kind of been in the shoes of your colleague. Met someone who when they heard name of DD said that they were named that too (unusual name). Then told me that they go by a different name as they don't like DD's name. Kind of ruder I guess as they knew it was my DD name before they said they don't like it! I wasn't offended or upset at all. Your colleague is being ridiculous if they really are treating you differently now because of this.

Ghosttofu99 · 20/08/2023 01:38

I’ve been involved in a couple of odd conversations in my life that have been like a bizarre entrapment in order for the person to become offended by something. Example: I was once involved with my college open day and a prospective student asked what one of the teachers was like. I answered honestly something to the effect of them being stern/intimidating but fair and a good teacher. Prospective student then announced that teacher was their parent and flounced off in foux outrage. Like a gotcha.

Your scenario sounds a bit like this. Your colleague was specifically fishing to find out what you thought of DD name already with the intention to become offended if you didn’t like it.

Bizzare.

RitzyMcFitzy · 20/08/2023 01:41

I've just remembered that I know someone who had the same first name as me but changed it to something else by deed poll as she disliked it so much. Wouldn't have occurred to me to take personal offence.

Original poster
TheBadNameClub · 20/08/2023 07:41

RitzyMcFitzy · 20/08/2023 01:41

I've just remembered that I know someone who had the same first name as me but changed it to something else by deed poll as she disliked it so much. Wouldn't have occurred to me to take personal offence.

I’ve had the same too but with my surname! It’s a name that’s not the most well liked either so nothing surprising there.

I do acknowledge though that in colleague’s case it maybe feels worse because this is a name she picked out instead of one that was given to her.

OP posts:
MrsKwazi · 20/08/2023 07:45

Such immature behaviour on her part. Just ignore and do not get drawn into conversations about it either. Less said soonest mended.

panko · 20/08/2023 07:54

Is it possible she's cold to everyone anyway?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 20/08/2023 08:15

I had someone flounce on me once because I said I’d didn’t like Paloma Faith, she actually started arguing with me telling me why I was wrong! Most bizarre

EhrlicheFrau · 20/08/2023 08:18

YANBU.
She is, we are allowed to have different tastes. Also it sounds like you didn't know that was her daughter's name when you answered, you may have worded it a bit differently (but still honestly) if you had.

Original poster
TheBadNameClub · 20/08/2023 08:22

panko · 20/08/2023 07:54

Is it possible she's cold to everyone anyway?

No it’s the sudden change in behaviour. We’re both early birds and so spend quite a bit of time in the pantry in the mornings. Usually we’ll chat, have our coffees and sandwiches, but after that convo about names her whole demeanour towards me changed.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 20/08/2023 08:25

Silent treatment can be taken as harassment or bullying.

Mumof2teens79 · 20/08/2023 08:25

I would be momentarily offended but I would get over it and carry on as if it had never been mentioned.
It's not like she told you her daughters name and you said ughh what an awful name

If anyone should be offended and stop speaking to you (not that they should) it would be your parents surely??

Holidaystress11 · 20/08/2023 08:27

Op if there's anything I have learnt in life....its that people are ducking weird. And do weird shit and say some weird crap and there are more weird people than 'normal' whatever normal is anyway. Just ignore her and I don't see anything wrong with what you do or what you said.

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