Name "drama" — would this offend you?

[TheBadNameClub]

I've always hated my first name and have opted to be known by my surname since I was a teen. It's a surname that sounds like a first name.

There's a new transfer in my department at work. A few days ago, the new transfer found out that the name I go by is not actually my first name.

Her: Oh that's interesting. Why don't you go by first name?
Me: Oh I really hate first name, been going by last name since I was a teen.
Her: That (referring to my first name) is my daughter's name.

She's been cold to me since then! We usually have a long chat in the pantry in the morning before work but she now leaves when I enter. She's also less friendly (still professional though) than before. I wouldn't have said anything if I'd known her daughter has the same name as me but what's done is done. Would what I said really offend you?

YABU — This would offend me
YANBU — I wouldn't be offended

How did she find out that you don’t use your first name? From you, or someone else? How did the conversation start, because you’ve only written it up from ‘Oh, that’s interesting’ - did she bring up the subject?

It all started because she saw some trivia about how George Osborne's birth name was actually Gideon. And then we got into talking about how Boris isn't Boris Johnson's actual first name too and then I mentioned that last name isn't actually my first name either.

YANBU

She sounds about 12. How ridiculous for an adult to behave like that. if anything, it’s quite funny - “I hate that name”/“it’s my daughter’s name” - you’d just have a bit of a laugh about it and think no more of it.

One look at the threads on here shows how precious/over invested in names some people become, I suppose - maybe you’ve just had a taste of that in real life! But you’ve done nothing wrong at all. In fact, she was the one who asked the “personal” question; if someone doesn’t use their first name, there’s always a story behind it and if it’s not offered, it may not be a happy one.

Tbf if someone said they hated 'name' and then I had to follow up with oh that's my dd's name I'd feel incredibly awkward about it. As long as she's professional you can either ask her about it or wait for her to get over the sulk/awkwardness.

It's completely up to you how you word things but it's also up to her to how she manages her own reaction.

She asked the questions knowing full well what your first name and her daughters name were! You weren’t to know what her daughter was called. So it’s her fault for probing really.

Oh dear, how deliciously awkward. Ah well, just leave her to it, she’ll probably get over herself in a year or two.

You said nothing wrong. Your colleague sounds like a self centred idiot. The world has gone mad, everyone makes everything about themselves. The sense of self importance is astounding from these people.

Not on you.

This is reminding me of an adult helper I was once on a club bus trip with aged about 12.

Out of the blue she said ‘They say drowning is an easy death.’
We (mix of adult helpers and kids) sort of murmured vague agreement and ‘Yes, they say that’ and she snapped ‘Well, my cousin drowned and I don’t think you should just go around saying things like that!’

Same manufactured outrage.

You had the name first.

You're perfectly entitled not to like it.

YANBU

I put my foot in it big-time with a first-time-mum friend who was toying with baby names before the kid was born, and I was joking like 'so long as it's not X or Y...' (in my view ridiculously pompous names) ... anyway, turns out they did go for X. She didn't say anything about our conversation, but I did raise it second time of seeing the baby just to make sure there wasn't anything harbouring underneath, and said I was really sorry, it was just silly conversation and it's beautiful really, I was just being an inverse snob. She really couldn't care less. The kid is great, even with a stupid name, and we're still great friends.

I use my middle name in prefernce to my first and have done so for over 30 years. When asked I just say I've always done so and refused to tell them my first name. However people can be odd about it, the worse being a guy I know who has gone out of his way to find it out and a whole lot of other stuff about me (real stalkerish behavour) and my sister who refuses to use my preferred name, has called me a snob for changing it accusing me of my insulting my parents - not so it was my DM that gave me the courage to change.

I see lots of comments on here slagging off my first name because it's very popular now. I get a bit miffed when I see it because it's not actually a horrible name. But I get over it because I'm an adult and it's pathetic to be upset by silly comments. She's being weird. She was asking leading questions because she most likely already knows why someone would choose to use a different name to the one they were given.

I had the same with Elon Musk lol

It was an ex, he could not accept me saying anything negative about him, fucking weird!

Tell her to fuck off, even if only inside your own head.
The world doesn't revolve around her and she doesn't get to dictate other people's tastes. What a silly, selfish twat.

She's an idiot. Does she not realise different people have different tastes?

I'm being serious btw. This would mark her out as self-absorbed and immature to me. I wouldn't be seeking to appease her.

Fettuccini's a lovely name!

Some people will take a huff about anything. She could have said, “oh no I love XXXX, I even chose it for my daughter - but ‘lastname’ is lovely too” and it could have stayed a positive interaction.

i also don’t like my first name OP and wish I had a cool last name to use. It’s a bit late to change it now…

In the scenario you described I wouldn't be offended. You didn't know her dd's name when you said it and not everyone likes every name.

It's not like she introduced her newborn and you made a face and said you hated the name!

She asked a question and you gave the truthful answer.

People are so bizarre about it. I have a Great Aunt who has always refused to use my ‘new’ name and insists it’s insulting to parents when children change their name.

She acknowledges both that my given name is ridiculous and that my parents were horrifically neglectful and abusive (I lived with my grandparents from age 7 because of it) and should have been sent to prison.

Yet still will never call me by my name (which was my middle name so not a random choice). She just avoids using my name at all now as in my late teens/early twenties I started walking out when she used my original name.

Apart from the topic, which is obviously very serious and awful, that post really made me laugh. Talk about having an argument in an empty room.

I wouldn't feel offended, but I think I'd feel a bit awkward/embarrassed by the whole exchange.
Give it a bit of time, and maybe offer an olive branch, as if nothing ever happened.
Next time you see her, give a cheery "hello X! did you have a good weekend?!"

I'd just carry on as though the conversation hadn't happened. She already knew when she asked. She got the answer she expected.
I'd be resolutely indifferent and cheerful until she got over herself.

Oh and @OriginalBin that really made me laugh. Dark but so accurate of some people. Would find beef in a telephone box.

She’s being weird.

I’ve known people of all ages dislike their completely normal, run of the mill names - James, Andrew, Alice, Sophie, Catherine etc