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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What the actual fuck - as username suggests

98 replies

Whatheactualfuck · 19/08/2023 17:13

NC and some minor details changed, because... well, fuck off, DM and Sun. Posting for traffic: I have no idea what to do next.

So I got contacted by my ExH that my DS's biological father has died this week, as told to him (ExH) by my biological brother.

I am NC with my entire biological family - my mother is a classic narcissist and my brother was the golden child; a few years ago (6 blissful ones of peace) I decided that enough was enough and I cut them out of my life after they had made my life and any accomplishment in it hell for over 30 years. My brother has developed into typical flying money doing her every bidding and believing her every word, and since I got divorced, the bitch has managed to reel my ExH back in, too, at least into contact (we live abroad; I partially moved countries to get away from her, it was that bad - ExH saw the impact at the time and agreed, but his hatred of me when I left the abusive marriage clearly changed all that). The kids are being forced to email regularly by him, even though they have zero interest in maintaining contact.

He has now taken my kids on holiday to my home country; he visits this often, but I have the strange feeling that this time he will actually take them to my mother's. My kids are 6 and 16, so old enough to know some bits, but not the whole story, but they don't know her. My ExH used to hate my mother due to her many manipulation attempts on my eldest before I cut contact.

When I was pregnant with my eldest, I first got convonced to keep him by his biological father, then later on left for another woman when it was way too late into the pregnancy. I was made homeless by him and his friends (we lived in a flat share) while pregnant and he behaved repulsively. He didn't take any responsibility for his child, was never on the birth cert and never paid maintenance, bearing in mind I raised my eldest to 16 without his help and had my ex husband adopt him after a while.

Turns out my mother was in contact with my biological ex after I went NC with her (while I was in contact she encouraged me to block him out of my life). He'd post some shit about missing him on SM and she'd respond compassionately.

I'm not even sure him dying is true; I can't seem to find very recent records online and his family have previously lied about another family member of mine being on their death bed.

This man was abusive, alcoholic, drug-abusing and died of liver failure, if indeed he did. My ex is abusive, my mother a narcissist. I am surrouded by flying monkeys from my family and every time I think I have a hit of piece some other shite comes to light or I get some message like that.

Don't get me wrong, if he is indeed dead that's only good news; I have always tried to keep my son away from their circle of norms and even though I have been open about my son's origins, he never wanted anything to do with his biological father.

But I am so shaken.

If it's true, it's just another excuse for my mother to play the family card and get my ExH to be back in full contact with my kids (and ultimately to get back at me).

If it's not, my brother has clearly either fabricated or believed a lie that will encourage people to mess up what is now a lovely, stable life for him.

I am worries, stressed out of my mind and have no idea how to protect my children and indeed me from these people.

Please, anyone, help?

OP posts:
Traxz · 19/08/2023 17:15

Sorry - who has died?

Your sons biological father?
Where is your ExH in this?

Traxz · 19/08/2023 17:16

If the person you describe is as bad as they sound, then just be relieved

Whatheactualfuck · 19/08/2023 17:16

Yes, my son's biological father, if the news is true.

My ExH has been in contact with my family - those that I am NC with - for a while now, and received the news from them.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 19/08/2023 17:19

I'm still not understanding the problem? I was an adopted child, and your child is under absolutely no obligation whatsoever to attend the funeral of the sperm donor.

TwoItalianApples · 19/08/2023 17:19

I think:

Op gets pregnant in home country. Keeps baby (dc1), dad of baby (dp1) leaves her while she's pregnant
Ops mum stays in touch with her dp1 behind ops back
Op moves country meets dp2 with whom she has dc2 and he adopts dc1
Op goes NC with dm and d brother
Ops splits from dp2
Dp2 visits ops home country and has been told dp1 is dead

Whatheactualfuck · 19/08/2023 17:20

It's not the first time someone has said similar to me, a few years ago one of his biological family claimed that my mother was deadly ill, which was clearly BS.

I don't even know whether he's dead, but the fact that I did some online research today and saw my mother was actually in contact with the arsehole online (in addition to my abusive ExH) just threw me completely.

OP posts:
Whatheactualfuck · 19/08/2023 17:23

TwoItalianApples · 19/08/2023 17:19

I think:

Op gets pregnant in home country. Keeps baby (dc1), dad of baby (dp1) leaves her while she's pregnant
Ops mum stays in touch with her dp1 behind ops back
Op moves country meets dp2 with whom she has dc2 and he adopts dc1
Op goes NC with dm and d brother
Ops splits from dp2
Dp2 visits ops home country and has been told dp1 is dead

Yes, this. Though between them I have no idea who is telling the truth, who is shit stirring and why the actual fuck and of them talk to each other when my ExH encouraged me to go NC with my family upon seeing how I and my children were treated by them and my mother herself encouraged me to be NC with the biological father of my son.

I am glad I never talked to any of them again, don't get me wrong, but it seems that when I cut my mother out, she reeled my son's biological father back in and my ExH, too, so now I am worried I'll be dragged back into all this drama and assault on me and my kids.

OP posts:
TwoItalianApples · 19/08/2023 17:24

Awful for you as it leaves you unclear on what to tell your children or if dc1 needs support. Can you text him and ask if he's ok?

stayingcool · 19/08/2023 17:25

Sounds like a lot of drama, and a lot of people you have fallen out with.

Just keep NC with them all and not get too stressed.

Whatheactualfuck · 19/08/2023 17:26

ExH phones and we agreed not to say anything for mow. He is currently with his dad and while we talk a LOT online, he doesn't know what's goind on. ExH and I are civil with regard to the children, but like I said, I have the horrible feeling he'll taken them to see my mother (they're currently visiting my home country, albeit apparently far away from where she lives).

OP posts:
Whatheactualfuck · 19/08/2023 17:29

The drama is only about my DS's biological father and my mother (and by extension, my biological family - she is very good at spinning tales and has used the last few years to alienate them from me. It was okay when my GPs were still alive as they were lovely, but now all of them are dead she is left to do what she likes unchecked). He was an abusive drunk and drug user that I fell in with at a very young age, longing for the love I never had as a child.

I don't ever want to go back there, ever, but it feels like such a slow vacuum that I'm being sucked back into. I am panicking and so very, very scared.

OP posts:
Whatheactualfuck · 19/08/2023 17:32

I don't know whether it's part of her manipulation or whether it's true, and I worry that either way it'll be used to reel me and the kids back in.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 19/08/2023 17:35

What does it matter either way?

It doesn't change abyones life a jot does it?

I'd sit your 16 year old down and say you haven't found anything to verify it and anything that comes from your brothers mouth could be horseshit, with an agenda. But its a possibility his biological father has died. 'I'm always here to talk if you need to'.

Doesn't have any relevance to your ex or his custody really does it?

Whatheactualfuck · 19/08/2023 17:39

Well I agree that he sould be left out of it for now.

But you don't understand, I think. It's not about whether that man is dead or not. It's about the aftermath, and about me suddenly discovering that my mother was in contact with his all along, despite agreeing, at the time, that after he refused to be put on the birth cert and pay maintenance (little protection for women where I come from regarding this) he should not have any rights. Not even looking at the potential influence he could have had in him; DS's biological father saw no issues in letting his childen try out hard drugs.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 19/08/2023 17:39

Urgh i hate it when exes hook up with people they KNOW are no good they KNOW are toxic they go from we must protect the children to THERE FAAAAAMILLYY in one breath

Ex husband is back in touch with his toxic father they literally had a bloody punch up infront of the kids assaulting an elderly family member police called and allsorts but he is back in with him now because "he has changed" naaa he is ill true but changed? No he is still the devil he just can't drive

Justcallmebebes · 19/08/2023 17:44

Couldn't make head nor tail of that saga and sounds like a lot of drama. Quite why the press would want to pick up on it, I've no clue

ExtraOnions · 19/08/2023 17:45

So you are worried (annoyed??) they a man who is now (allegedly) dead, was in touch with your biological mother ? Is that the crux of it ?

Middlelanehogger · 19/08/2023 17:46

You should spend a bit less time on Reddit. Narcissism support groups just make every tiny interaction turn into a spiralling crisis.

Who cares about any of these people. Live your life. Sounds like it's no great loss if he is dead.

Whatheactualfuck · 19/08/2023 17:48

I am worried that I will get sucked back into her great, big web.

I am worried that this is just another BS story she and my brother have cooked up (trust me, it would be a relief if the guy was dead).

I am worried about my ExH being in contact with my mother despite him having witnessed and agreed why I went NC with her in the first place.

I ahve had 7 years of peace from these people and no matter what I do, they always come back.

If you know how narcisisstic people act and why all these connections worry me, you'll understand. If not, here is a good start: https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/types-of-flying-monkeys/

Types of Flying Monkeys: The 2 Main Kinds of Narcissistic Enablers

A flying monkey is someone who enables a narcissists campaign of abuse. Here are the two main types of flying monkey and how to spot them.

https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/types-of-flying-monkeys

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 19/08/2023 17:48

do I have this right?

both the 16yo and the 6yo are currently with the XH in home country?

your concern is that XH may be inspired by this recent news to take the children to see your family?

Whatheactualfuck · 19/08/2023 17:49

Middlelanehogger · 19/08/2023 17:46

You should spend a bit less time on Reddit. Narcissism support groups just make every tiny interaction turn into a spiralling crisis.

Who cares about any of these people. Live your life. Sounds like it's no great loss if he is dead.

WTF. I know this is AIBU, but have some compassion. I am not on Reddit.

OP posts:
Whatheactualfuck · 19/08/2023 17:51

Ponderingwindow · 19/08/2023 17:48

do I have this right?

both the 16yo and the 6yo are currently with the XH in home country?

your concern is that XH may be inspired by this recent news to take the children to see your family?

Yes, that's right. I know she will try and use this to her advantage (whether this news is true or not). Unfortunately, ExH is very much pro-family-over-everything, so he was easy enough to reel back into her net, despite everything he witnessed when we were still married.

OP posts:
doroda · 19/08/2023 17:52

Justcallmebebes · 19/08/2023 17:44

Couldn't make head nor tail of that saga and sounds like a lot of drama. Quite why the press would want to pick up on it, I've no clue

It would make a great story! Woman upset that people she's not in contact with are in contact with each other

janicewithpictures · 19/08/2023 17:52

Sorry I don't get it but it should make an 6 part series for Netflix.

Pinkbonbon · 19/08/2023 17:53

.. but again...that doesn't change anything.

Your horrible narcissist of a mother did something horrible and narcissistic. Shocker.

Seriously op, you've moved countries to get away from her. In her eyes, you've 'won'. So she will always do everything she can to undermine that.

Just keep them blocked. It can't bother you if you don't know about it. Tell your ex you have no interest whatsoever in anything your family have to say (in a LOL upbeat sort of way, as if you find it funny he even mentions those sad acts). Don't respond if he brings them up. Or respond in an easy breezy way like 'that's hilarious'. As he only mentions them as he's trying to unsettle you.

Talk to your children about abuse and how to spot it. How to recgonise bullies and what gaslighting and coercive control is. Make sure they know why you left these men.

But remember, you're out. They can't pull you back in unless you let them.

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