What the actual fuck - as username suggests

[Whatheactualfuck]

NC and some minor details changed, because... well, fuck off, DM and Sun. Posting for traffic: I have no idea what to do next.

So I got contacted by my ExH that my DS's biological father has died this week, as told to him (ExH) by my biological brother.

I am NC with my entire biological family - my mother is a classic narcissist and my brother was the golden child; a few years ago (6 blissful ones of peace) I decided that enough was enough and I cut them out of my life after they had made my life and any accomplishment in it hell for over 30 years. My brother has developed into typical flying money doing her every bidding and believing her every word, and since I got divorced, the bitch has managed to reel my ExH back in, too, at least into contact (we live abroad; I partially moved countries to get away from her, it was that bad - ExH saw the impact at the time and agreed, but his hatred of me when I left the abusive marriage clearly changed all that). The kids are being forced to email regularly by him, even though they have zero interest in maintaining contact.

He has now taken my kids on holiday to my home country; he visits this often, but I have the strange feeling that this time he will actually take them to my mother's. My kids are 6 and 16, so old enough to know some bits, but not the whole story, but they don't know her. My ExH used to hate my mother due to her many manipulation attempts on my eldest before I cut contact.

When I was pregnant with my eldest, I first got convonced to keep him by his biological father, then later on left for another woman when it was way too late into the pregnancy. I was made homeless by him and his friends (we lived in a flat share) while pregnant and he behaved repulsively. He didn't take any responsibility for his child, was never on the birth cert and never paid maintenance, bearing in mind I raised my eldest to 16 without his help and had my ex husband adopt him after a while.

Turns out my mother was in contact with my biological ex after I went NC with her (while I was in contact she encouraged me to block him out of my life). He'd post some shit about missing him on SM and she'd respond compassionately.

I'm not even sure him dying is true; I can't seem to find very recent records online and his family have previously lied about another family member of mine being on their death bed.

This man was abusive, alcoholic, drug-abusing and died of liver failure, if indeed he did. My ex is abusive, my mother a narcissist. I am surrouded by flying monkeys from my family and every time I think I have a hit of piece some other shite comes to light or I get some message like that.

Don't get me wrong, if he is indeed dead that's only good news; I have always tried to keep my son away from their circle of norms and even though I have been open about my son's origins, he never wanted anything to do with his biological father.

But I am so shaken.

If it's true, it's just another excuse for my mother to play the family card and get my ExH to be back in full contact with my kids (and ultimately to get back at me).

If it's not, my brother has clearly either fabricated or believed a lie that will encourage people to mess up what is now a lovely, stable life for him.

I am worries, stressed out of my mind and have no idea how to protect my children and indeed me from these people.

Please, anyone, help?

This is all so much drama.
You are on good terms with your ex he is their parent. He will do what he thinks is right. That's uo to him and you can't do anything about it

You do not have to reinstate contact with anyone

You do sound rather hysterical about this and very overdramatic

Try calming down and thinking of this rationally.

At 16 your child can see his grandmother if he wants to anyway.

Also...you could just not let your children leave the country with the dad anymore. If you genuinely think he will put them in harms way, around toxic people, I wouldn't. If he's an abuser I wouldn't want him around my kids anyway.

In the UK a parent can say no to a child being taken abroad by the other parent. See if its similar in your country.

They can't pull you back in unless you let them.

No, not me. But my children.

My eldest almost doesn't care; he's old enough to know a few bits and pieces (alongside with the evidence I kept, because my mother is a gaslighting bitch who will try to turn things - I have her original emails and letters here). But my youngest is of a very impressionable age. My mother once before tried to manipulate my eldest to stay with her, and almost succeeded in convincing him that that's what he wanted - to stay abroad with her and not give a htought to me and my then-H). My mother then tried for years to get him to write/ video call/ email weekly. Sent hundreds of pictures, badmouthed me, put her drama onto him (e.g. trying to get him to feel sorry for her by talking extensively about her broken leg - to a six-year-old!).

My ex has 50/50 custody and yes, if he enabled her he'd have to do it in his own time, but she is a damn good manipulator and I'm an autistic nobody compared to that. I am so damn scared I will lose my kids to her bullshit.

I totally understand this OP, but suspect posters with normal mothers just won’t get it.

My mother stayed in contact with XH even after he beat the living shit out of me. She was his major supporter. Being NC has been the best thing ever.

The only thing I can think of is for you to contact XH and gently remind him that have to approve him leaving the country with the DC (I assume?) and please can he remember that under no circumstances whatsoever are the DC to have any contact with your family.

Is there a way you could phrase that so as to fire a warning shot without totally pissing him off?

Then why does your post sound word-for-word like something from raisedbynarcissists...

Making your whole happiness be dependent on making sure no-one you know ever speaks or interacts with your parents ever again is just a recipe for being miserable the rest of your life. If you didn't get on with your mum great crack on with not talking to her. Everyone else can do what they like.

You have to approve

I think the only concern I'd have to that my exh might take my dc to meet people who hate me. And that the 16 yr old might be told of his father's death in a less than caring and kind manner (it is his father after all even if he's never met him).
All the rest can go to heck. Let them spin their stories so fast that they implode.

I am sorry if this sounds dramatic. I have spent the last 7 years of my life getting away from her, divorcing my abusive ExH (a pattern I developed thanks to how I was raised) and building a life away from all of this shit, exactly to escape all what what she's capable of. She managed to destroy me and no amount of therapy has ever managed to dig deep enough to make me anything more than reasonably functional.

She almost completely destroyed the part of my brain that could soothe me while my amygdala is in overdrive. So yeah, all emotions are greatly heightened.

I do not want that for my children.

I sincerely hope no one ever tries to turn anyone you love against you.

OK but surely they're not in another country to you 50% of the time? They have to go to school right?

So realistically if he takes them its only going yo be on the holidays.

I'd conveniently lose their passport for those long holidays.

Secondly, show your child lots of warmth and love and there's no way they'll choose to move in with grandparents over you. Not if they're only meeting them in small doses anyway.

When they are back with you, limit and monitor the youngest access to the Internet so that gran the psycho can't contact them. Phones too. Talk to them about the dangers of grooming. Make them.aware your mother is dangerous.

You're their mum, they'll choose you. So long as you aren't being passive af and sending them into the lions den without knowing who they are dealing with.

OP, you will find understanding people who have had to deal with narcissistic behaviour on this excellent long-running thread:

April 2023 -"Well we took you to Stately Homes" | Mumsnet

narcisstic parental *behaviour

damn sorry

Physical contact woukd be very limited, yes.

But I know from my son that he's been pressured to email, share his social media accounts and send physical letters to her for years. He just refuses to most of the time. She, however, is a mastermind at manipulation.

Thank you @ImNotWorthy

Do you think they'd mind if I quoted my entire OP there to get advice from people who understand what narcissists are like?

Your post is not far off incomprehensible and no news paper is going to be interested. Your mother is entitled to talk to whomever she wishes. Your exH, the father (by adoption in one case) has taken his two children overseas, presumably with your agreement. It is up to him what they do and who they see. Stop creating drama.

You can find out if someone has died - perhaps you can do this to prove whether they lied or not.

If your ExH takes your kids to see your family then it doesn’t really matter if your other ex has died or not.

The only thing you can do is be there to support your kids.
If they want a relationship with their grandparents then that would be their choice (especially the eldest) and tbh there’s nothing you can do about it.
In fact the more you try and stop them, the more they may want a relationship.

I would tell the eldest that you don’t speak to the family as they weren’t very nice to you but it’s up to him whether he wants a relationship with them and you’re not going to stop him from doing so - this way if he knows you’re ok with it then he won’t feel the need to keep secrets or share any concerns he may have.

Its very apparent that you are quite vulnerable and have attracted abusive partners.
I would be very careful about getting into another relationship with anyone until your kids are older.

I’d be upset if the other parent was taking my children to see people that I was NC with. And not even a hypothetical, they are in the country so too late to discuss or lose passports as suggested by PP.

OP I’m not sure that there is much that you can do now but discuss with your children in an age appropriate way when they return.

Its very apparent that you are quite vulnerable and have attracted abusive partners.
I would be very careful about getting into another relationship with anyone until your kids are older.

I made that decision when I divorced. I am too damaged to be in a loving relationship and I am actively keeping men out of my life for that reason.

My children adore me (not so much my ExH, especially the oler one who sees him for what he is). It doesn't stop me worrying.

Thing is, I can't keep my children from going abroad (and the letter was very generally worded, so I have no control over where exactly they go).

I don't want to, either. I can't afford to take them myself, so the only chance they have is with my ExH, who has considerably more money than me.

You can't get drawn back into your mother's web unless you fly into it. Steer clear of the drama. It's not really that important whether your child's bio dad has died, he wasn't part of his life.

I would be too tired to lead your life.
Just trying to read about it-with its seeming cast of thousands, all of whom hate one another, dead people, feuds.
You could always move to The Yemen, or The Andaman Islands- they'd never find you, and you'd have plenty of other matters to think of.

Yes, I am very tired. I have been very unwell due to this in the past, to the point of suicide many times, if that makes you feel any better. I have lived through more in 35ish years than many will do in a lifetime as a result. I hope that your comment was meant earnestly, because if it was as rude as it came across, I hope you never have to live through what I have.

OP, I feel for you, and I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed and unwell. Please take some time for yourself, while your children are away - do something lovely as a treat for you. Whether that's something nice to eat or drink, a visit to an art gallery or museum or a trip to the seaside, some self care is really important right now.