What the actual fuck - as username suggests

[Whatheactualfuck]

NC and some minor details changed, because... well, fuck off, DM and Sun. Posting for traffic: I have no idea what to do next.

So I got contacted by my ExH that my DS's biological father has died this week, as told to him (ExH) by my biological brother.

I am NC with my entire biological family - my mother is a classic narcissist and my brother was the golden child; a few years ago (6 blissful ones of peace) I decided that enough was enough and I cut them out of my life after they had made my life and any accomplishment in it hell for over 30 years. My brother has developed into typical flying money doing her every bidding and believing her every word, and since I got divorced, the bitch has managed to reel my ExH back in, too, at least into contact (we live abroad; I partially moved countries to get away from her, it was that bad - ExH saw the impact at the time and agreed, but his hatred of me when I left the abusive marriage clearly changed all that). The kids are being forced to email regularly by him, even though they have zero interest in maintaining contact.

He has now taken my kids on holiday to my home country; he visits this often, but I have the strange feeling that this time he will actually take them to my mother's. My kids are 6 and 16, so old enough to know some bits, but not the whole story, but they don't know her. My ExH used to hate my mother due to her many manipulation attempts on my eldest before I cut contact.

When I was pregnant with my eldest, I first got convonced to keep him by his biological father, then later on left for another woman when it was way too late into the pregnancy. I was made homeless by him and his friends (we lived in a flat share) while pregnant and he behaved repulsively. He didn't take any responsibility for his child, was never on the birth cert and never paid maintenance, bearing in mind I raised my eldest to 16 without his help and had my ex husband adopt him after a while.

Turns out my mother was in contact with my biological ex after I went NC with her (while I was in contact she encouraged me to block him out of my life). He'd post some shit about missing him on SM and she'd respond compassionately.

I'm not even sure him dying is true; I can't seem to find very recent records online and his family have previously lied about another family member of mine being on their death bed.

This man was abusive, alcoholic, drug-abusing and died of liver failure, if indeed he did. My ex is abusive, my mother a narcissist. I am surrouded by flying monkeys from my family and every time I think I have a hit of piece some other shite comes to light or I get some message like that.

Don't get me wrong, if he is indeed dead that's only good news; I have always tried to keep my son away from their circle of norms and even though I have been open about my son's origins, he never wanted anything to do with his biological father.

But I am so shaken.

If it's true, it's just another excuse for my mother to play the family card and get my ExH to be back in full contact with my kids (and ultimately to get back at me).

If it's not, my brother has clearly either fabricated or believed a lie that will encourage people to mess up what is now a lovely, stable life for him.

I am worries, stressed out of my mind and have no idea how to protect my children and indeed me from these people.

Please, anyone, help?

Sounds like a lot of drama, and a lot of people you have fallen out with.

Just keep NC with them all and not get too stressed.

I agree. It's exhausting just trying to follow it all and imagine such levels of drama and dysfunction with so many people at once.

You should spend a bit less time on Reddit. Narcissism support groups just make every tiny interaction turn into a spiralling crisis.

Who cares about any of these people. Live your life. Sounds like it's no great loss if he is dead.

I agree with all of this. Put the self help books down now. It becomes like an addiction/obession, all this labelling people as narcs, golden children, flying monkeys, enablers etc, and seeing yourself as their perpetual victim/scapegoat. You've got yourself free of all these problematic people in your life (and there are rather a lot of them) so just relax and enjoy it.

The only person who matters in all this seems to be an after thought. Your Ds1.

According to you his bio dad was awful. His adopted dad is awful. And now he has complicated grief to deal with.

He has been through too much. I hope he is receiving therapy.

Given you understand trauma, you must realize the trauma your son has been though. Of course he cares his bio dad sucks. He will struggle for what he never has upon learning of his death.

I think the only thing worth focusing on here is your kids and how to support them.

Your mom will have had some history that has made her the way she is. You have had your history as well. Hopefully your children will break the generational trauma but they will need support to do so. The are innocent in all of this.

I ahve had 7 years of peace from these people and no matter what I do, they always come back.

Only if you let them. And you're letting them. You're wallowing in the drama of it all. You're making it worse. The only person who really matters in this scenario is your 16-year-old DC whose biological father has died. A door — the door to possibly getting to know him and having a relationship with him — has shut permanently. Your older DC may find that difficult. But you're making it all about you.

Who knows who the narcissist is: I'm not entirely sure it's your mum.

'This man was abusive, alcoholic, drug-abusing and died of liver failure, if indeed he did. My ex is abusive, my mother a narcissist. I am surrouded by flying monkeys from my family and every time I think I have a hit of piece some other shite comes to light or I get some message like that.'

'Don't get me wrong, if he is indeed dead that's only good news; I have always tried to keep my son away from their circle of norms and even though I have been open about my son's origins, he never wanted anything to do with his biological father.'

'But I am so shaken.'

'If it's true, it's just another excuse for my mother to play the family card and get my ExH to be back in full contact with my kids (and ultimately to get back at me).'

Just read all that back and listen to how deranged and contradictory it all sounds.

You don't care if he's dead. It can only be good news. Your son wanted nothing to do with him anyway and hasn't known him his whole life. And yet you are 'shaken' at the news and say that every time you have some peace in your life 'some shite' like this come to ruin it.

So which is it? Are you shaken and is your peace ruined, or is it a relief to be rid of an abusive druggie and drunkard who abandoned you and his child?

And what has ANY of this got to do with your mother? How does your son's useless bio father dying mean that your mother get's to play 'the family card'?

It has literally nothing to do with her. Nothing. You are just catastrophising and almost willing there to be some drama where there needn't be any.

I'm genuinely not trying to victim blame here, though I cannot help but notice that you're describing everyone else as abusive in this post, bar yourself.

If your eldest is 16 then it's not really your business anymore anyway.

This!

Are you saying that your son's dad died just to get back at you, or did I get that wrong?

How could you ex make like difficult for you?

What 6 year old uses social media?

No idea why so many posters are being such obtuse and spiteful arses to you OP. MN is a bit of a lottery in that respect.

It sounds very stressful and complex and this news has hit you hard; the spectre of the past has spooked you badly and with good reason. I hope with time things settle back into some kind of balance.

I just talked to my father and his wife. It's nice to have some shared experience of what my mother is like and some decent advice on that.

Thanks to all who contributed, and especially those with a shred of compassion.

Talking to those two has made me feel much better, and more sane. Tomorrow is another day.

@Whatheactualfuck

You can either report one of your posts on this thread, and ask Mumsnet Towers to move this thread into Relationships.

Or post on that thread and signpost them over here, you can do this with a link if you know how, but just give them some idea what to look for, and I expect someone will come over here to find you.

Or start a new thread including the words narcissist and mother.

*new thead in Relationships, I mean

Tried reading, got very confused. Can't get past that exH told her of bio dad's death and can't figure out who is who and thought exh is surely bio dad? And then from there I just got more and more brain fog and gave up.

Flying monkeys? Narcissists? Ugh, this pseudoscience will be debunked soon enough. I do wish people would stop pathologising behaviours based on YouTube videos.

It's not pseudoscience: it's a way of describing patterns of behaviour of narcissists and their enablers which has emerged among those who have suffered at their hands.

100% this

Why do you care so much? Your children are going on holiday and coming home again. You’re over dramatising this. Also you should take some responsibility for having a baby with an unsuitable father in an unsuitable situation.

You might be the issue ??

The only people cut out of my life were my mother, brother and DS1's father.

I am in contact with my own father and his wife (who both, ironically, got prevented from raising me against my wishes and with whom I was only able to establish contact after I finally managed to leave my mother's home).

I am also in civil contact with DS2's father, my ExH.

The audacity lies in the fact that my these people have banded together. My ExH even supported me in cutting my mother out of my life completely after witnessing many times just how badly she behaved towards me and my children (one by proxy, having never even met him), but the minute I hurt his ego by leaving the marriage she and him started communicating again.

My mother was happy for me to cut DS1's father out of our lives after I tried many, many times to get him and his family to engage. Laws are all a bit different where I'm from originally, so there was no way to force him to accept responsibility, and in hindsight, it worked out better that way in protecting DS from the life of drugs and alcohol he led. But she made contact with him again after I cut her out of my life.

She is, in true narcissist fashion, still trying to get to me and my children and involving everyone she can in the process. That is what scares me the most.

DS1 doesn't want her involved (what teenager does want the close involvement with an older relative they barely know?), but is constantly put under pressure to communicate with her. I'm less worried about him, because he'll be old enough soon.

But I worry about my other child.

Also you should take some responsibility for having a baby with an unsuitable father in an unsuitable situation.

What a horrible comment to make to someone who has protected her child and raised him alone for manay years, against all odds. I believe I did? DS1 turned out a wonderful, pleasant and high-achieving young man. I had no support until I met my ExH.

Please ignore those posters, OP. There are people on MN who will understand.

It's an overly-online cliché and a strangely childish way of looking at the world which clearly isn't serving OP very well at all if she thinks her whole life depends on no-one coming into contact with the "flying monkeys" ever again.

OP I genuinely don't even know what advice you want at this point. You posted in AIBU...

Will the elder boy tell you if they go to see your mother? At 16, he can refuse to go on holiday with his adoptive dad, I believe.