School mum life

[Illbebythesea]

I have 3 dc. Middle is about to start reception. Feel like I have just established myself-ish with eldest child’s fellow parents. I have to do this THREE times. I hate it. I am probably more socially inept then I let on, every-time I leave a gathering for whatever, sports day, school play, pick up, party… I question everything I say and reckon I’ve come across a total tit/bad mother.

When we decided to have children this is something I NEVER considered. But it is one of the worst parts of parenting for me! So, AIBU? Do you dread the parties? The small talk?! The awkwardness of not knowing what to say after, so what class did you get?! Oh god… i just want to paddle away to a remote island…

I'm at the school gates for approximately 30 seconds in the morning and a few minutes in the afternoon.

I'm at work 37.5 hours a week. Collaborating with colleagues and working as a team. Hardly the same thing!

Yes I genuinely don't understand. Children aren't too young to facilitate friendships at school at all.
Indeed. But pretty hard for them to arrange anything outside of school. Which is fine if you don't want to or they don't want to but my children definitely have a better social life and more time playing with other children over the holidays because I can chat or text some of the other parents to arrange stuff.

That can't be an unusual situation.

I've just escaped the school mum experience.

I made lots of effort, went out with them in evenings, camping etc. At the end of ten years the group of mums I felt were friends have all made one or two closer friends within the group and I'm left out from their little get togethers. It hurts.

So frankly, be polite for arranging play dates etc but if you have friends already, just don't bother if you can get away with it.

Would you let your dcs go on play dates without ever knowing the parents?

I knew one my dcs friends had a really unpleasant mum. I didn't like the way she spoke about people and just had an unpleasant nature. I made excuses for play dates but was happy for dcs to meet in parks.
A year down the line and she's got in trouble for drugs issues and her dc is not with her anymore.

@Curtains70 obviously when doing your work you will talk to your colleagues about work things but when you are in the break room do you all sit in silence? I doubt it. You make small talk (“Did you have a nice weekend?” ”Yeah not bad”).
Don’t you say “Good Morning” to people you don’t actually work with but are in the building (the security person, Bob from upstairs, the person who comes to fill the vending machine, the postman who delivers each day).
This is all you need to do with fellow parents at school. Polite “Good Morning” and - if time - a little bit of generic small talk.
You don’t have to be friends but polite communication is nice.

I don't have to interact with other parents much because the school gate thing isn't a thing where I am, and only sometimes do I pick up or drop off DS at nursery at the same time as other parents, and there's no waiting around leaving time for a conversation so its just a smile and a hello and that's all. So that's not a problem for me. However I've just started school myself and there's all the socialness at breaktimes and lunch times that I have to join in (I don't mind making small talk and all that but there's a language barrier that makes it harder and more awkward for me - I'm just not so funny in the other language!), and there's this one woman in my class who just does not come to lunch with us, or come to the common room to have tea/coffee, she just stays at her desk quite happily ignoring everyone unless someone speaks to her directly. I'm quite impressed.
So remember, its not compulsory, you don't have to even say hello to anyone if you don't want to.

I've just escaped the school mum experience.

I made lots of effort, went out with them in evenings, camping etc. At the end of ten years the group of mums I felt were friends have all made one or two closer friends within the group and I'm left out from their little get togethers. It hurts.*

So frankly, be polite for arranging play dates etc but if you have friends already, just don't bother if you can get away with it.

But this is such wrong advice ! Would you tell your children this ?!! Surely Instead of "don't bother making effort because there is the outside possibility of future hurt feelings". You would advice your kids to be friendly you never know that person may turn out to be a fun short term friend or life long friend who knows - go for it ? I certainly will not be advising new school mums or my kids in September to " not bother". How sad

This thread makes me so sad that so many if you revel in your anti social/ lack of community spirit / no time for new friend attitude

Really helped me understand why recruiting helpers for the PTA is such a constant uphill struggle

Makes me feel such a freak for liking people and wanting to engage

😔😔😔😔

Don't worry @pimplebum, you're quite normal.
It takes all sorts.

There are lots of school run mums that are friendly and nice and happy to socialise.
The ones that don't want will make it obvious.

People do what they are comfortable with. That does not make them wrong . And it does not make you wrong. Everyone is different. You get the mum that may want to be on her own
You get the mums with just 1 other person they chat to. You get the mum that rushes in and out. You get the mums in their little/big groups .

Ah! Im with you on this . My child is going into year 3 this year and despite me trying I have been cold shouldered by 99% of the mums/ dads. Like someone else I use after schools clubs to avoid pick up.. it makes me anxious .. not sure why I guess it’s the expectation to be chummy with a bunch of strangers/ people you wouldn’t be friends with in the ‘ real world’ I’m not at the point of not caring , I sometimes wish someone would acknowledge me but they simply don’t… can’t wait till it’s year 5/6 and my child can walk in from the carpark alone

I work full time and don't know any of the other school mums. Works for me! There's no obligation to make friends.

Treat them like colleagues. You want to be able to get on ok as you sometimes need to discuss things that matter to you all, but you won't let them into your personal life

I'm shy but desperately wanted to make friends with the parents. We'd moved to a new town and I was so lonely. I think my desperation and shyness were a bad combination. The parents at our school are all (without exception) lovely so it was even more painful to see them bond with each other, have regular meet ups and even holidays together! I did eventually make a couple of friends but I wasn't really part of the main friendship groups. It really hurt! By the time my second child started school I was too proud to really make an effort and as a result I barely know a lot of the parents from his class.

Against the current here - I really love it.

I love hearing about their partners + pets + their children. I like knowing about the job stress + the jam making + commiserating about in laws and celebrating birthdays. I am happy to be part of my children’s wider community.

I definitely felt a bit anxious the first term - I think everyone does. But I can either hide from it - or see what I can get from it. I have found that most people are delighted to be greeted with a grin and question about their day. They probably aren’t going to be best friends for life - but we’re on the same adventure for the next 5 years so, to me, it’s a worthwhile energy investment