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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mum life

115 replies

Illbebythesea · 18/08/2023 20:35

I have 3 dc. Middle is about to start reception. Feel like I have just established myself-ish with eldest child’s fellow parents. I have to do this THREE times. I hate it. I am probably more socially inept then I let on, every-time I leave a gathering for whatever, sports day, school play, pick up, party… I question everything I say and reckon I’ve come across a total tit/bad mother.

When we decided to have children this is something I NEVER considered. But it is one of the worst parts of parenting for me! So, AIBU? Do you dread the parties? The small talk?! The awkwardness of not knowing what to say after, so what class did you get?! Oh god… i just want to paddle away to a remote island…

OP posts:
princesspeapillow · 18/08/2023 22:49

I just keep it short, kind and distant. Smile, nod, hi, bye. Nothing in depth. I'm more worried about high school, not that I'll pick them up in the playground and have to speak to anyone but just in case bullying or fights happen or other teenage drama and you have to have parent-parent.

Whatireallyreallywant · 18/08/2023 22:49

Why is it awful, they are people ! If you can't stand the small talk just stare at your phone and no one will bother you !!!!

I've made some friends twice when my two started school. Admittedly I've been to a few awkward parties but so what my DC had fun and got some cake. Plenty of times I've had fun too.

princesspeapillow · 18/08/2023 22:49

YANBU :)

Curtains70 · 18/08/2023 22:53

I just don't do it. Absolutely no interest and can't really understand why you'd want to?

OriginalBin · 18/08/2023 22:56

Illbebythesea · 18/08/2023 22:20

@Snoken its not the women at all, it’s the social situation. I think, I’m thinking about what I’m saying next as I’m talking if that makes sense? Rather than just engaging in free flowing convo I’m thinking what are they thinking about me 😂

But why, assuming you don’t do this at work, or out with your friends, or in other social situations?

DappledThings · 18/08/2023 23:00

Curtains70 · 18/08/2023 22:53

I just don't do it. Absolutely no interest and can't really understand why you'd want to?

You don't understand why people generally try to get on with their children's friends' parents? To facilitate those friendships while the children are too young to do so themselves? To be able to chill out and chat over a coffee at at village hall party rather than standing awkwardly to the side?

I can see not wanting to make lifelong friends if you don't want to but all this "oh I can't possibly make small talk with other mums because they become hideously intimidating/boring by virtue of being in a playground" is fairly silly.

CurlewKate · 18/08/2023 23:05

God, the ARROGANCE!!!!!

LBFseBrom · 18/08/2023 23:08

I never got into all the pavement pow wows at school drop offs and pick ups. I was busy, went to work and had friends but if I hadn't, I know I wouldn't bother with chit chat and gossip. I really feel for you, op, but you don't need to try. Just relax and be yourself.

elliejjtiny · 19/08/2023 00:24

It will be ok. When my ds1 started school I didn't know anyone as all my friends from baby group, their children were going to different primary schools. I soon met people I was happy to chat to and made a good friend who introduced me to a friend of hers who had children in one of the older classes. By the time ds2 started I already knew a couple of the mums because they had children in dc1's class. One mum from ds2's class has a dd in ds5's class and she has become a really good friend too. Ds1 is now 17 so I've known some of the school run mums for 13 years now. Ds1 isn't in touch with most of his friends from primary school but I am still friends with most of the mums on facebook and if I see them in asda we will say hi and talk about how our dc are getting on. Some of them I am in more regular contact with and we will have coffee every so often.

Coka · 19/08/2023 01:00

Are you a hairdresser? If so you dont have to do small talk 😂 just cut hair for us introverts plz., no small talk needed 😄

Coka · 19/08/2023 01:02

That was supposed to be a reply to Charlize43

Gowlett · 19/08/2023 01:08

This is the thing I found the most strange about having a kid. I really wanted a child but identifying as a “mum”? No thanks! Luckily, he was born during COVID so I didn’t have to do all of the mother & baby stuff… The parents at my DS school are all down to Earth, but my nephew’s school are all swishy ponytailed, yoga pants madams who are absolute bitches to my sister. All she worries about is how to please them. It’s like Mean Girls but with grown women.

Cloudsandyoghurts · 19/08/2023 01:21

With DC1 I felt exactly the same, it was tedious and exhausting, then became wierd and bitchy and made me so anxious. But when DC2 started school I really clicked with a few of the parents of that year group they were really great company and have become real friends, its absolute fluke, completely random luck of the draw, but maybe there will be some real gems in one of your 3x year groups so may not always be so bad. Good luck

Heatherbell1978 · 19/08/2023 07:13

You really don't have to though. I have 2 DC and a full time job means I'm rarely at the school gates and don't partake in a lot of school activities. I choose whether to engage whether that's in person or via the WhatsApp group. There's a nice cohort of school mums in my area though so I don't mind but I'm not naturally the most sociable person

ginandtonicwithlimes · 19/08/2023 07:15

YesIknowalready · 18/08/2023 21:34

Remember- these people aren’t your friends. You’ll be lucky if you get one or two who are genuinely decent people.
The rest - in my experience- are not pleasant.

I keep my head down , pick up my children and fuck off . I do not intend to be bosom buddies with anyone- a hello is all I do at most. I’m not rude at all- but I am incredibly observant and shrewd. I see and hear and watch going’s on and I am glad to not be a part of it. They know nothing about me.

I have my own family and friends- not fellow mothers from my children’s school.

You make it sound like small talk is beneath you. What harm is it really to just do small talk occasionally? Most people aren't nasty.

FourTeaFallOut · 19/08/2023 07:20

I can happily chat to most people, it's an easy way to pass the time and so I don't find that part hard.

My third is starting y5 next year and I am beginning to relish the costume day finish line though.

Draconis · 19/08/2023 07:23

I'm just the same as I am with work colleagues. Smile, say hi and a few words.
I've met some really interesting people on the school run and enjoy having a chat at parties.
Parties are a pain and I'd rather be sitting at home but I know my dc definitely wouldn't!

Simonjt · 19/08/2023 07:36

You don’t have to, I don’t bother, having resting bitch face helps. My son still has playdates, you don’t have to talk to someone everyday to enable them to happen.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/08/2023 07:40

Needmorelego · 18/08/2023 21:42

I don’t get the big deal about this.
”Nice weather today”
“Yeah it’s lovely the sun is out”
”Are you ready for Christmas”
”Mostly - few bits n bobs to buy”
”Which day is the class assembly”
”Tuesday”
It’s small talk. Just small talk. That’s all.

Exactly.

These threads are baffling.

bladebladebla1 · 19/08/2023 07:52

I don't see it as small talk to be honest, I see it as making friends, which I have. Maybe my job helps as I own a cafe and chat all day to randoms and regulars

anotheranotheranotheranother · 19/08/2023 07:54

Illbebythesea · 18/08/2023 22:10

@Cupcakekiller I do! As I said upthread it’s not really about making friends myself, just doing the social Norms I suppose?? Being friendly and approachable? People saying/thinking oh x’s mum is ok… friendly, nice woman etc… I realise this sounds fucking pathetic writing it down 😂

It does. You don't need random strangers to think you are nice, do you?

I'm autistic and while I didn't know this when my kids were in primary school I also didn't mix with other parents, i had no interest in them. We got through juts fine without.

Gemstonebeach · 19/08/2023 07:56

You don’t have to engage. I work full time, drop and run and use after school care. I don’t really know any of the parents and it doesn’t affect my children in the slightest.

FourTeaFallOut · 19/08/2023 08:00

anotheranotheranotheranother · 19/08/2023 07:54

It does. You don't need random strangers to think you are nice, do you?

I'm autistic and while I didn't know this when my kids were in primary school I also didn't mix with other parents, i had no interest in them. We got through juts fine without.

Show quote history

It doesn't sound fucking pathetic at all. Social currency with the parents of your DC's classmates creates a degree of cohesion, problem solving and co-operation. It's possible to get by without it but I have found it valuable over the years.

RadishesForYou · 19/08/2023 08:00

And undoubtedly they feel the same about you. But you keep hanging onto the notion that you are special and the only one who ever tried to be courteous to people in your life. FFS

Positive41 · 19/08/2023 08:04

Gowlett · 19/08/2023 01:08

This is the thing I found the most strange about having a kid. I really wanted a child but identifying as a “mum”? No thanks! Luckily, he was born during COVID so I didn’t have to do all of the mother & baby stuff… The parents at my DS school are all down to Earth, but my nephew’s school are all swishy ponytailed, yoga pants madams who are absolute bitches to my sister. All she worries about is how to please them. It’s like Mean Girls but with grown women.

It really does depend on the year group you find yourself in.

Some are horrid, others really nice. Luck of the draw.

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