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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mum life

115 replies

Illbebythesea · 18/08/2023 20:35

I have 3 dc. Middle is about to start reception. Feel like I have just established myself-ish with eldest child’s fellow parents. I have to do this THREE times. I hate it. I am probably more socially inept then I let on, every-time I leave a gathering for whatever, sports day, school play, pick up, party… I question everything I say and reckon I’ve come across a total tit/bad mother.

When we decided to have children this is something I NEVER considered. But it is one of the worst parts of parenting for me! So, AIBU? Do you dread the parties? The small talk?! The awkwardness of not knowing what to say after, so what class did you get?! Oh god… i just want to paddle away to a remote island…

OP posts:
Sigmama · 18/08/2023 21:37

No, I don't feel this at all, I like people and talking to them

Lemonademoney · 18/08/2023 21:38

It is a bit overwhelming but they are just people. You’ll find your people in each year group. By year 5/6 parent interaction is minimal anyway and by secondary you have no idea who they are. I find first time parents quite full on but totally get it as I’m sure I was probably the same. By year 2/3 most children have a pretty set group of friends and you’ll hit a routine where it’s the same parents/kids at each party.

mondaytosunday · 18/08/2023 21:38

In my kids school sone mums did a coffee morning every week at a local cafe. Not every year, but as it happens for both my kids' years. As I was new to the area and with no partner, this was great. It was early enough (8.30) that even those who worked could occasionally grab a quick coffee and have a chat.
I became closer to my oldest child class mums, and I still see them even though they are 20/21 now. It was a way in to the area socially and school workings and it was really useful.
Of course there were plenty who didn't come/couldn't care less, and that's totally up to them!

AutumnalPumpkin · 18/08/2023 21:42

My daughter starts reception in September... I just about managed to avoid the nursery parents... please someone tell me I don't have to endure this too?? 🤣

Needmorelego · 18/08/2023 21:42

I don’t get the big deal about this.
”Nice weather today”
“Yeah it’s lovely the sun is out”
”Are you ready for Christmas”
”Mostly - few bits n bobs to buy”
”Which day is the class assembly”
”Tuesday”
It’s small talk. Just small talk. That’s all.

Dramatic · 18/08/2023 21:43

I feel like I'm in the minority of people who actually like the interaction at school pick up, I'm on my 4th time round now (youngest started school nursery in may) and I've already found a couple of mam's I really click with. I actually enjoy small talk 🤷

Countrymiles · 18/08/2023 21:43

I have 3 you don’t have to do this 3 times.

First, you go to everything, accept every coffee date, worried if you don’t your child will be a social pariah.

Second, if you are lucky, some of your eldest friends will have siblings in same class - so you automatically have some connections. You attend some things. Can be a useful source of help to new parents about school events etc.

By the third you are in “I have enough school mum friends/connections” and “I’m sure the kid will be fine”. You also have so many kids/bags at pick up and drop off that you don’t have time to speak to anyone.

Whattheflipflap · 18/08/2023 21:44

I’m really lucky, I live in a place where everyone knows everyone anyway, and also a place where most people come back to have kids. So thankfully this isn’t that painful

Miriam101 · 18/08/2023 21:45

I totally relate to this! Like you I often reflect on how I never thought about this side of parenting when I was pregnant or when the kids were babies. I sound quite similar to you- not a total introvert but definitely not someone who finds it easy to make small talk for ages. (Like pulling teeth to be honest.) I have to be very on it for my job and very socially confident and it weirds me out how anxiety-inducing I have found life at the school gates. Part of it has been that I feel like I’m risking rejection on two fronts- what if they don’t like me? What if their kid doesn’t like my kid? Etc. anyway, as others have said, it’ll be over soon! And we’ll probably miss it, as life is strange like that…

grafittiartist · 18/08/2023 21:57

Oh I liked this aspect of parenting.
Thanks to my kids I have met some wonderful people, and a group of friends for life.
I can see why others can find this bit tricky.

lopei · 18/08/2023 22:03

I've avoided a lot of this by having DCs do lots of extracurricular clubs after school. Still a bit awkward, as I have to pick up from the club, but it's less cliquey as it's a mix of year groups not the same class mums. And 2 days is pickup at usual time but we rush off to ferry them to an off site club, so no time to chat.

Wish I could stare at my phone but school is v strict about not having any phones used within school grounds.

I don't find it particularly anxious but I know I don't have much in common with the mums, and don't care to build a relationship with them, so just can't be bothered with the effort of small talk tbh.

Needmorelego · 18/08/2023 22:04

@lopei how do you know you have nothing in common with people unless you talk to them?

lopei · 18/08/2023 22:07

Needmorelego · 18/08/2023 22:04

@lopei how do you know you have nothing in common with people unless you talk to them?

Oh I'm on the WhatsApp and email lists so know what they chat about and overhear their chats too.

Cupcakekiller · 18/08/2023 22:08

Why do you care? Do you not already have your own friends?

Cantstaystuckforever · 18/08/2023 22:10

Charlize43 · 18/08/2023 21:30

I have to do small talk for a living and sometimes I catch myself prattling on and it's exhausting! However, I will say this, most people (75%) appreciate the exchange, like to be chatted to and acknowledged. I think this is what makes us human.

We are all nervous, awkward and frightened at the start, but often the feeling of connection with others can be wonderful. It doesn't really matter what you talk about, the weather, good cake, holidays, have they come from far? Have you had a good day? something very silly...

I think we all like to be reached out to

I do think that more people feel like this than the ones who hate it. MN though is full of people who don't feel so comfortable with others - and choosing not to socialise with other parents much is totally ok, so long as you don't also take the line that lots seem to here that all the other mums are horrible/shallow/cliquey etc.

You have to join the WhatsApp group to know what's going on (but you can mute it), be recognisable enough that other parents can talk to you about playdates and parties if your child wants them, then not that much more is needed, especially when people know that you have older DCs.

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 18/08/2023 22:10

@Cupcakekiller I do! As I said upthread it’s not really about making friends myself, just doing the social Norms I suppose?? Being friendly and approachable? People saying/thinking oh x’s mum is ok… friendly, nice woman etc… I realise this sounds fucking pathetic writing it down 😂

OP posts:
Snoken · 18/08/2023 22:10

I find this idea that mother's should be seen as anything other than just humans weird. School mums are not a homogenous group of identical people. There are mums that have the potential to be your next best friend, there are mums who you would cross the street if you saw approaching, there are mums who you can be indefferent to. Most women I have ever worked with have been mothers, most of my friends are mothers, some of them I have gotten to know through my kids. They are all just women, not mums primarily. If you genuninley don't want to be friends or friendly with them, then don't go to events where they will be.

Cupcakekiller · 18/08/2023 22:14

Why overthink it so much? I don't really care what other parents think of me. They're just people. I work full time in a stressful job so am either rushing off or rushing there and am knackered.

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 18/08/2023 22:20

@Snoken its not the women at all, it’s the social situation. I think, I’m thinking about what I’m saying next as I’m talking if that makes sense? Rather than just engaging in free flowing convo I’m thinking what are they thinking about me 😂

OP posts:
ginandtonicwithlimes · 18/08/2023 22:22

I don't mind it. I only work part time and have no family nearby so it is adult interaction when I otherwise wouldn't get any.

Letterposter · 18/08/2023 22:24

Serious question. Is this a fairly new thing? Or a cultural one perhaps?

I don’t remember my mum doing this or having play dates. We went to school and then went home, hung out with siblings and cousins.

I ask bcos I don’t intend to do this, I will
og course be polite and can be very sociable but have zero interest!

DappledThings · 18/08/2023 22:24

Illbebythesea · 18/08/2023 20:42

It’s awful!! We probably all think it’s awful! Why don’t we say to each other, this is bloody awful?!

Why is it awful though? It's just talking to people. Same as you do at work or when you were at school and met new people.

I don't find it awful at all and I'm far from the most outgoing person. Parties can be a bit awkward when you're standing around watching the children playing for a bit but generally it's just making friends or just casual acquaintances if you like. It isn't taxing.

I moved to a tiny village before DC1 started school where loads of the.mums had been friends since they were at primary themselves. Been very welcomed, made some friends. It's all very nice.

YukoandHiro · 18/08/2023 22:24

Yeah I dread it and I'm actually quite good at small talk and usually find it easy to make new friends, but I find the artificial set up of the school run really hard.

Whippetlovely · 18/08/2023 22:40

Op just smile and make small talk just makes it a bit easier. I’m not in the clique but happy with just being polite. Agree with other poster that parties a more a bit more awkward as it’s an hour and a half of being around ppl you don’t know and sometimes sitting alone looking like a lemon! Although this is an opportunity to get to know parents if you want to. It gets better as time goes by. I think I made my proper two mum friends around year two and we sometimes go for drinks now which is nice. By year 5 you won’t need to speak to anyone if you don’t want as they will walk to school alone. It does go quick my baby just starting seniors.

Thepossibility · 18/08/2023 22:45

With my first I tried. By the second I realised it doesn't really matter. I'll just see these people around casually and then they will be gone out of my life in a few years.
I have three so there's no way I'm keeping tabs on all those parents!
Be friendly but it's not that deep to stress about.

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