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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mum life

115 replies

Illbebythesea · 18/08/2023 20:35

I have 3 dc. Middle is about to start reception. Feel like I have just established myself-ish with eldest child’s fellow parents. I have to do this THREE times. I hate it. I am probably more socially inept then I let on, every-time I leave a gathering for whatever, sports day, school play, pick up, party… I question everything I say and reckon I’ve come across a total tit/bad mother.

When we decided to have children this is something I NEVER considered. But it is one of the worst parts of parenting for me! So, AIBU? Do you dread the parties? The small talk?! The awkwardness of not knowing what to say after, so what class did you get?! Oh god… i just want to paddle away to a remote island…

OP posts:
Draconis · 19/08/2023 08:16

It doesn't sound fucking pathetic at all. Social currency with the parents of your DC's classmates creates a degree of cohesion, problem solving and co-operation. It's possible to get by without it but I have found it valuable over the years.

Yes. So useful to be able to discuss issues about the school with other parents.
As well as being reminded about something or other by other parents saying 'oh I still haven't sorted this thing for Friday! What about you?' Has often saved my skin.
The WhatsApp group is great too and so useful to organise a session in the park with whoever is free in the holidays.

LolaSmiles · 19/08/2023 08:16

I don't see it as small talk to be honest, I see it as making friends, which I have.Maybe my job helps as I own a cafe and chat all day to randoms and regulars
It probably helps and it sounds like you have a naturally more friend-making disposition, but I find on here some people are very weird about the idea of having a friendly chat with anyone that isn't in their little family unit or a select group of friends they've known for years.

It's a bizarre thing on here. A lot of people simultaneously seem to want to stare at their phone, avoid school gate parents, never open the door, and only talk to their little bubble of people, whilst also deciding that anyone who does small talk and/or ends up forming friendships is bitchy, cliquey, must be judging their dress sense, looks down on them for not having their hair right on the school run etc. 🤷‍♀️

indyocean · 19/08/2023 08:28

There's bound to be cross over

Just cling to the ones you know

Marwoodsbigbreak · 19/08/2023 08:32

It honestly never occurred to me that I was supposed to make friends with random parents of my children’s classmates. This may be connected to my own abusive childhood.

So I never really experienced any of this drama. If it’s not for you OP, pull back. I take a book with me everywhere I go. Comes in pretty handy.

anotheranotheranotheranother · 19/08/2023 08:35

@FourTeaFallOut

It doesn't sound fucking pathetic at all.

Social currency with the parents of your DC's classmates creates a degree of cohesion, problem solving and co-operation. It's possible to get by without it but I have found it valuable over the years.

I wasn't saying talking to other parents was pathetic? I agreed with OP the the wanting people to think she was a nice woman did indeed sound pathetic.

I don't give a shit if school parents mix or not but I can't think of any problems I needed to solve in 15 years of being a primary school parent that involved other parents. It's perfectly fine to either mix or not but OP doesn't want to, juts thinks she should. She's doesn't have to.

pimplebum · 19/08/2023 08:37

I think all this school mum bashing is so sad especially those of you who have already decided we are a bunch if losers before making any effort to get to know us, my casual friendships have been vital to me

Ok if you have social anxiety fair enough , I can understand that but its normal to feel nervous meeting a group that of strangers en mass

I managed my insecurities and anxiety by getting involved with the Pta to get to know people and never ever understand the parents who decide they want nothing to do with other parents and do not support the fund raising

Im not confident or amazingly organised but can spare a few hours out of my year to muck in , run a stall , dress up as a elf for the grotto , I am a adult so can make small talk to other parents and even if they seem like we have nothing in common we can be there to support each other even in a superficial way such as " shit book day is next week thanks for reminding me" or spelling test was today ".

All the mum haters need to think about the mum who may be masking PND or domestic violence

  • Casual friendships can be lifesaving and essential - let's be kind and just bloody smile and say " you ok? " you never know how much that could mean to someone
FourTeaFallOut · 19/08/2023 08:37

No, she doesn't have to. Nor is it pathetic to want to be considered nice or approachable.

schooloflostsocks · 19/08/2023 08:38

DS has a friend who is a third child. Third child’s mum is lovely but made zero effort to get to know anyone. Didn’t speak to anyone at drop off or pick up unless she had to, didn’t arrange her DS any parties that involved the class, didn’t go to the various socials the other mums arranged. Would always be warm and friendly if approached. Her son was always popular and happy. I definitely tried too hard by comparison

hidinginthegarden · 19/08/2023 08:41

It's different when you've been through it once. You've got the experience and knowledge of the rhythm of the terms and know what to expect. And because you aren't only focused on one child, you are inevitably distracted dealing with your older child.
I found it much easier second time around and because I already had sone school friendships was less worried about making it work. Good luck!

flowertoday · 19/08/2023 08:52

This thread makes me realise my inadequacies as a parent. I do know some parents at school, but a few not every parent in my children's classes.
My husband has been the parent for drop offs / pick ups primarily due to my work hours. He is more outgoing overall and has got to know some other parents , especially the dads.
I am shy, wary of large groups ( especially of women). I also had some painful experiences of playgroups and baby classes etc that taught me that just because another person is a parent they may not share any other common ground with you.

retrainer · 19/08/2023 08:54

You won't bother by the 3rd!

Malarandras · 19/08/2023 09:00

There is no law that says parents must speak to other parents at the school. I am rarely at the school thanks to the school bus and I am in one group chat that I mostly ignore, as do most of the members. But some of them seem very friendly with each other, from what I see in the chat, and that’s fine too. Just do you, let other people do them. Otherwise life gets very exhausting very quickly.

Jk987 · 19/08/2023 09:03

If you don't get to know the parents, what happens about play dates?

Charrington · 19/08/2023 09:07

I found it easier with the second dc because I already knew a few parents from the older dc’s class. And that’s when I recognised that there aren’t really cliques - just people who know each other, whose dc get on and have had a few play dates, or people who are in a walking group etc.

Once playdates start you’ll get to know a few parents. The key is not to be put off by the standoffish ones - that’s about them and not you. And let all the nonsense about how little Johnny is a genius wash over you. Over the years I’ve met the mothers of purported future Olympians, sports stars, dance champions and maths geniuses.

Gerrataere · 19/08/2023 09:08

I’ve not gone out of my way to ‘make friends’ on the school run, however I didn’t really need to. I already knew a few of the parents from local playgroups so will always find a familiar face for a quick hello. My children are autistic and never get invited to parties or play dates (they wouldn’t care for it but obviously makes me a bit sad at times).

On the flip side, I went to an absolutely tiny primary where half the school were in some way related to each other. Every parent knew you, your family, your pets, what you had for breakfast that morning…. It’s not an experience I wanted to repeat myself. I’m quite happy not being involved in the whole ‘mum group’ situation as a whole.

Nodancingshoes · 19/08/2023 09:11

I never really bothered. I talked to a few people and naturally was friendly with my ds1 and 2's best friends mums if I saw them but other than that I avoided the situation by arriving bang on time at school pick up time!!!

DinnaeFashYersel · 19/08/2023 09:44

I worked so never did school run or playground.

At partly drop offs and school concerts I smile and say hello

Nothing else is needed. You don't need to experience this stress. It's hot nothing to do with your parenting.

Does DH worry about speaking to other dads.

Curtains70 · 19/08/2023 10:31

DappledThings · 18/08/2023 23:00

You don't understand why people generally try to get on with their children's friends' parents? To facilitate those friendships while the children are too young to do so themselves? To be able to chill out and chat over a coffee at at village hall party rather than standing awkwardly to the side?

I can see not wanting to make lifelong friends if you don't want to but all this "oh I can't possibly make small talk with other mums because they become hideously intimidating/boring by virtue of being in a playground" is fairly silly.

Show quote history

Yes I genuinely don't understand. Children aren't too young to facilitate friendships at school at all.

I certainly don't live somewhere that will have village hall parties. I drop off at school give them a kiss and go to work. When would I be standing round chatting to the other parents?

If people want to do it then that's fine. OP was stating that she doesn't like doing it and I simply pointed out that you don't have to!

Lookinbac · 19/08/2023 10:59

I have done it through 6 kids I'm quite anti social to be honest . I'm happy to stand and talk to no one. Might just talk to 1 or 2 parents here and there. It's not somthing that stresses or worries me I'm quite content with how it is . I don't feel like I Need to impress anyone I'm not scared of saying something silly. If anyone feels I'm not good enough that's on them they can find somone who is.

OriginalBin · 19/08/2023 11:01

DinnaeFashYersel · 19/08/2023 09:44

I worked so never did school run or playground.

At partly drop offs and school concerts I smile and say hello

Nothing else is needed. You don't need to experience this stress. It's hot nothing to do with your parenting.

Does DH worry about speaking to other dads.

The vast majority of parents doing drop-offs and pick-ups at DS’s primary school work, and still find time to chat, even if it’s briefly, in passing and at after school rather than end of school pick-up. I work FT, and so do all but one of DS’s friendship group’s parents, and we’ve actually all become quite close, even though DS only started at the school mid year in 2020.

Gnomegnomegnome · 19/08/2023 11:05

Sadly I barely got to do the school run but I’m with you on sports days, plays etc. All of the other parents knew each other and I was x’s mum who is barely in the playground.
I realised that it was more about how I felt than about the other parents and although I’m naturally very introverted I realised that for my dc sake I needed to just try and get on with it. It never felt natural but I think faking it kind of worked.

Remember, this isn’t forever!

anotheranotheranotheranother · 19/08/2023 11:18

All the mum haters need to think about the mum who may be masking PND or domestic violence
*
• Casual friendships can be lifesaving and essential - let's be kind and just bloody smile and say " you ok? " you never know how much that could mean to someone

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous, it's not up to people who have kids in the same class to make an effort in case others have PND or are being abused. I have every sympathy for people in such situations and if I knew anyone suffering I would do my absolute best to help but it is not a reason for people to make casual friendships. That's a really blame type thing to say as if those who don't mix with others don't care, that's not the case at all but ultimately I put myself first and for me that means not painfully masking g my way through a conversation I don't want and find difficult.

Needmorelego · 19/08/2023 11:39

I am curious if those who don’t talk to other school parents talk to people at work.
School - in theory all you have in common is your children are at the same school.
Work - all you have in common is you work at the same company.
If you can small talk at work, you can small talk at school 🤔

Usernamen · 19/08/2023 11:47

DinnaeFashYersel · 19/08/2023 09:44

I worked so never did school run or playground.

At partly drop offs and school concerts I smile and say hello

Nothing else is needed. You don't need to experience this stress. It's hot nothing to do with your parenting.

Does DH worry about speaking to other dads.

This post is confusing - the vast majority of mothers work?

CurlewKate · 19/08/2023 11:49

@anotheranotheranotheranother "I'm sorry but this is ridiculous, it's not up to people who have kids in the same class to make an effort in case others have PND or are being abused."

I agree. It's up to people to make an effort because we're civilised people living in society and human interaction is important. And, if nothing else, we are modelling social behaviour to our children.