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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU here - been thrown a fish

79 replies

SomethingSmellsOffHere · 18/08/2023 08:51

I've known my in-laws for 25 years. During this time we have spent a lot of time together. I am talking days, weekends, and holidays. Despite this, my in-laws know nothing about me. If asked, hey wouldn't know where I am from, how many siblings I have and their names etc. because they have never made any effort to get to know me and they are too busy talking about themselves to ask anyone else a question.

I have never seen my MIL, or FIL, or SIL's pay my DH any attention. I've not once seen a present come his way, or any general interest. As an extension of this, I have never received anything from them either. There have been many times I have struggled with my life, and my DC, and could have done with some help, but we have had none from them, despite one of them living in the same town as me. I'd call it indifference, but it isn't because there has been a lot of low level animosity in my direction, what I perceive as jealously, and pettiness.

So, I have been one of the many women on here over the years talking about my troubles with my in-laws and the lack of help. Often, they are told to form their own network and rely on friends. This is what I have done. I have my own network, and I am sorted.

The AIBU is as follows. Fast forward to now. My MIL and 2 SIL's have told my DH they would like to get to know me better. For some strange reason they have realised that actually, I am not so bad.

I've told DH that if they have had 25 years to get to know me, and not once made an effort, so thanks but no thanks. He is hurt that I have said this and thinks I should get to know them and it is a bit rude of me. I prefer the status quo. I'll be polite and welcoming on the rare occasions when I see them, but that is it. I feel they have got their heads together, and thrown me a very small fish, and they can keep it.

Who is BU here?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 18/08/2023 08:54

You don’t need to get to know them better, do you? You already know what kind of people they are and you’d rather not be closer, thanks very much.

If they want to make more of an effort, that can come from them without you needing to ‘agree’.

The fish isn’t to reel you in, it’s a way to catch your DH and make him believe they care about him, and you don’t. Be wary.

BoohooWoohoo · 18/08/2023 08:59

I suspect that this has more to do with your h's denial that he is seen as not as important as his sisters than truly thinking that it would be good for you. Is he hoping that his family will treat him better through you? Either way yanbu

Coolblur · 18/08/2023 09:01

Why did they 'announce' this to your DH and not just send you a message inviting you out somewhere? It does seem like they are aware they've treated you both poorly. The way your DH has reacted to the scrap of attention being thrown your way suggests he's been subjected to this all his life.
I wouldn't make a thing of it, if they want to get to know you they can make the effort.

cocoloco117 · 18/08/2023 09:01

Exactly. Where was he over the past 25 yrs of their rudeness, if he doesn’t like you being “rude” now? Tbf if they’re indifferent towards him as well then he probably has his own issues and insecurities caused by their behaviour.

ShirleyPhallus · 18/08/2023 09:03

Why do you think they’re jealous of you?

Lapsedcataholic · 18/08/2023 09:05

They're up to something. You've known them a long time, the SILs must be around 50yoa and PIL 70ish? Has anyone got declining health or a mobility problem which you could be roped into helping with? You're wise to be wary.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 18/08/2023 09:06

Maybe as age has crept in they feel you could be useful at some point...

FizzyFucker · 18/08/2023 09:08

Fuck em, I'm with you OP. They've had plenty of time to make the effort, continue to give them as little as you do now and don't feel bad about it.

SoupDragon · 18/08/2023 09:11

How much effort did you put into getting to know/forming a relationship with them?

I don't think you are necessarily being unreasonable not to want to get to know them now but I'd probably make a small effort if it made my H happy - they are his family.

Ducklake · 18/08/2023 09:11

Tell your husband you reacted quickly without thinking because you were taken by surprise as this was so out of the blue.

Just say yes of course you’re happy to get to know them and he can tell them that.

Then do absolutely nothing. Let them do all the running. They might be reformed people, but they might not. It could be that either there’s something wrong with one of them, and they’re trying to line up support, or they’re trying to drive a wedge between you and DH. So be cautious not to play into that.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 18/08/2023 09:11

My MIL and 2 SIL's have told my DH they would like to get to know me better.

Is MIL been diagnosed with a long term condition and will need caring help soon? Be very wary.

DisquietintheRanks · 18/08/2023 09:11

After 25 years YANBU! Be gentle with your husband though - knowing your inlaws aren't bothered is one thing, knowing that your own birth family don't care is just awful. He's probably desperately hoping that they are about to thaw towards you both.

UnfunnyJester · 18/08/2023 09:13

I'd be the same as you. They probably think you can of use to them now they're elderly and might need help.
Forget that!

SuperSange · 18/08/2023 09:15

Yup, watch out. They're after something. Care of the parent's shared perhaps?

DuploTrain · 18/08/2023 09:17

It’s very strange of them to announce as a committee that they want to get to know you better. I would be very wary.

I’ve never heard the throwing fish expression, so I wasn’t sure what to expect from this thread!🐠

HappiestSleeping · 18/08/2023 09:18

Ducklake · 18/08/2023 09:11

Tell your husband you reacted quickly without thinking because you were taken by surprise as this was so out of the blue.

Just say yes of course you’re happy to get to know them and he can tell them that.

Then do absolutely nothing. Let them do all the running. They might be reformed people, but they might not. It could be that either there’s something wrong with one of them, and they’re trying to line up support, or they’re trying to drive a wedge between you and DH. So be cautious not to play into that.

This 👆

My money would be on some ulterior motive.

Helpmegetajob · 18/08/2023 09:22

id be suspicious to some degree, do they now need help in old age, what with you and dh being close by!!

or maybe they genuinely realise they have treated you badly and want to make amends.

i would be inclined to go along for a bit a see what unravels. Keep in mind how they treated you though

Gatehouse77 · 18/08/2023 09:22

I agree with @Ducklake and was coming on to say the same thing!

panko · 18/08/2023 09:22

Ducklake · 18/08/2023 09:11

Tell your husband you reacted quickly without thinking because you were taken by surprise as this was so out of the blue.

Just say yes of course you’re happy to get to know them and he can tell them that.

Then do absolutely nothing. Let them do all the running. They might be reformed people, but they might not. It could be that either there’s something wrong with one of them, and they’re trying to line up support, or they’re trying to drive a wedge between you and DH. So be cautious not to play into that.

This

WorseDecision · 18/08/2023 09:27

Probably thinking about the aging MIL & FIL, and maybe think you'd not be so bad as a carer!

Don't do it op, my in laws are the same. Barely know anything about me after nearly two decades or about my dc come to think of it yet I know the ins & outs of their life's, even about hoildays they have been to in their childhood! Hmm Just leave them to it, let them do the running about bet you they won't.

Hibiscrubbed · 18/08/2023 09:28

Privately, I’d be tempted to tell them to go fuck themselves. In reality, I’d point out to my husband they have had 25 years to get to know me, and they hadn’t bothered, but if they wanted to, sure. Then do nothing and watch them do nothing. And then point that out to your damaged husband.

HowToSaveAWife · 18/08/2023 09:30

I'd struggle with finding a diplomatic way of saying "having witnessed this dynamic over the last 25 years I think we all know each other well enough". Probably give a tinkly laugh and then say ok - but be unavailable all the time.

Agree with a PP who said this is likely teeing you up to absorb ILs care down the line.

IlonaRN · 18/08/2023 09:31

Ducklake · 18/08/2023 09:11

Tell your husband you reacted quickly without thinking because you were taken by surprise as this was so out of the blue.

Just say yes of course you’re happy to get to know them and he can tell them that.

Then do absolutely nothing. Let them do all the running. They might be reformed people, but they might not. It could be that either there’s something wrong with one of them, and they’re trying to line up support, or they’re trying to drive a wedge between you and DH. So be cautious not to play into that.

This!

Mix56 · 18/08/2023 09:37

Probably want you to take on caring at some point
Dont take the bait

Daffodilwoman · 18/08/2023 09:38

I agree 100% with the posters saying something is happening such as mil or fil being diagnosed with a serious illness. They are after something such as you providing care.
Tread carefully.
They have known you for 25 years and don’t know if you have siblings! Wow. I’m speechless.
Step away, they can sort their own care plan out.