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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who IBU here - been thrown a fish

79 replies

SomethingSmellsOffHere · 18/08/2023 08:51

I've known my in-laws for 25 years. During this time we have spent a lot of time together. I am talking days, weekends, and holidays. Despite this, my in-laws know nothing about me. If asked, hey wouldn't know where I am from, how many siblings I have and their names etc. because they have never made any effort to get to know me and they are too busy talking about themselves to ask anyone else a question.

I have never seen my MIL, or FIL, or SIL's pay my DH any attention. I've not once seen a present come his way, or any general interest. As an extension of this, I have never received anything from them either. There have been many times I have struggled with my life, and my DC, and could have done with some help, but we have had none from them, despite one of them living in the same town as me. I'd call it indifference, but it isn't because there has been a lot of low level animosity in my direction, what I perceive as jealously, and pettiness.

So, I have been one of the many women on here over the years talking about my troubles with my in-laws and the lack of help. Often, they are told to form their own network and rely on friends. This is what I have done. I have my own network, and I am sorted.

The AIBU is as follows. Fast forward to now. My MIL and 2 SIL's have told my DH they would like to get to know me better. For some strange reason they have realised that actually, I am not so bad.

I've told DH that if they have had 25 years to get to know me, and not once made an effort, so thanks but no thanks. He is hurt that I have said this and thinks I should get to know them and it is a bit rude of me. I prefer the status quo. I'll be polite and welcoming on the rare occasions when I see them, but that is it. I feel they have got their heads together, and thrown me a very small fish, and they can keep it.

Who is BU here?

OP posts:

Original poster

SomethingSmellsOffHere · 18/08/2023 09:38

Why do you think they’re jealous of you?

I don’t think they’re jealous of ME. I think they’re petty, catty and insecure, and jealous of any female who comes into contact with them. I’ve observed it for 25 years.

I also agree with the ulterior motives. Suddenly DH and I are popular when PIL are becoming infirm and much more demanding of their DD’s.

I agree that I know them enough, and I don’t need to know them anymore. As for inviting me out. I really don’t want them to. I don’t want to be put in the position of saying “no thanks”. In the past I’ve actually been on holiday with them in a city, and MIL and SiLs have gone out and not invited me!

Honestly, I just want them to fuck off and leave me be.

OP posts:

Daffodilwoman · 18/08/2023 09:40

Just agree with your dh so as not to fall out with him hen be unavailable- for the rest of your life. They sound vile.

Original poster

SomethingSmellsOffHere · 18/08/2023 09:41

They have known you for 25 years and don’t know if you have siblings! Wow. I’m speechless.

This is true. They couldn’t say how many, or what their names are. They couldn’t tell you what town I’m from, my maiden name or how old I am. These are people who have spent weeks with me in the past.

OP posts:

Enthusedeggplant · 18/08/2023 09:48

Mine are similar. We maintain a superficial relationship but I don’t do anything I don't fancy and won’t be doing any care for them later. Keep your boundaries. I have a good life filled with good people but dh is onside too - sounds like yours is still tempted to try to get them to want him and his family. Sounds like he could be hurt

DuploTrain · 18/08/2023 09:51

I do agree with everyone saying don’t let it come between you and your DH.

But - also keep your boundaries strong. If your DH wants to take on any admin/caring role/anything, that’s his decision. You absolutely don’t need to.

ReginaPerrin · 18/08/2023 10:03

It does sound like they trying to bring you into the fold due to their advancing age. They’ve had 25 years to get to know you properly and they simply haven’t bothered. I’d be maintaining a polite distance and I would certainly expect my DP to understand and back me up.

ThePoshUns · 18/08/2023 10:09

It's very odd to a) make it a group decision and b) announce it formally !
I'd be suspicious too.
I wouldn't do anything but wait and see what ' getting to know you better' looks like and decide whether you want to get involved or not.

TeaKitten · 18/08/2023 10:10

Your DH should be a bit gutted that they suddenly want to get to no you better but still don’t give a shit about him. DH is probably too insecure to stand up to them, but you and not BU at all, leave them to it.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 18/08/2023 10:15

Lapsedcataholic · 18/08/2023 09:05

They're up to something. You've known them a long time, the SILs must be around 50yoa and PIL 70ish? Has anyone got declining health or a mobility problem which you could be roped into helping with? You're wise to be wary.

This.

Time to grey rock (if you can`t go no contact), I suspect..

Original poster

SomethingSmellsOffHere · 18/08/2023 10:18

I’m really suspicious now 😟

I do think they are trying to bring me into the fold.

I also think it’s because we as a family have a lot of hobbies, and go out a lot and have weekends away, and they want to tag along. I invited them in the past, but I had such a miserable time, I stopped asking them. They can organise their own entertainment. I think they see us having a good time, without them.

I really could have done with a friend, someone to talk to in the past, and they knew this, but they weren’t interested. They showed me no compassion.

I owe them nothing.

OP posts:

QuintessentiallyScottish · 18/08/2023 10:26

He is hurt that I have said this and thinks I should get to know them and it is a bit rude of me.

I would be asking him why he's hurt and why he thinks you're rude but not in a confrontational way. Ask him the questions, let him come to the realisation of his family dynamics. Hopefully it'll occur to him that he wants you to put yourself out to save him any hassle.

Your in laws won't like seeing you sorted with your life.

You have good boundaries, respect to you.

SuperSange · 18/08/2023 10:28

Rude of you? They've been rude for 25 fucking years!! I'd shut that shit down immediately with DH.

Twazique · 18/08/2023 10:28

Now is a great time to teach your DH how to maintain strong boundary's!

My first thought, like previous posters, was that they are up to something.

DisquietintheRanks · 18/08/2023 10:32

DuploTrain · 18/08/2023 09:17

It’s very strange of them to announce as a committee that they want to get to know you better. I would be very wary.

I’ve never heard the throwing fish expression, so I wasn’t sure what to expect from this thread!🐠

The equivalent expression is "to be tossed a bobe" - basically given a few scraps of little worth to keep you interested.

DisquietintheRanks · 18/08/2023 10:33

Oh ffs! Tossed a bone

Istanbulnotconstantinople72 · 18/08/2023 10:33

Bet you 50p they've realised they need someone to look after them as they get older

FlamingoQueen · 18/08/2023 10:33

Tell them to fuck off! They had their chance and it doesn’t matter who did or didn’t put in effort over the last 25 years, the opportunity has long gone.
My mil and sil pretty much ignore me, but they know my sisters names and a lot of stuff about me. Now, they don’t know so much so that’s fine too!
They will probably get you on side and then insist you take turns at supporting in-laws now you are ‘friends’. Be civil, but keep your distance and watch your back!

TogetherInEclecticDreams · 18/08/2023 10:44

They must think they are so clever. Let the SILs runaround after his DP. You reap what you sow.

Olika · 18/08/2023 10:44

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 18/08/2023 09:06

Maybe as age has crept in they feel you could be useful at some point...

This came to my mind too. If they didn't make effort for 25 years... why now...

Summerhouse21 · 18/08/2023 10:48

I'm a bit confused by your opening post.
You start by saying "During this time we have spent a lot of time together. I am talking days, weekends, and holidays"
Then you end by saying "I'll be polite and welcoming on the rare occasions when I see them"
You seem to be contradicting yourself.....

HerAvatar · 18/08/2023 10:52

Summerhouse21 · 18/08/2023 10:48

OP has already said she has now stopped making the effort after years of their disinterest, the occasions are rare now but didn't used to be, no contradiction as far as I can see......

Escapingafter50years · 18/08/2023 10:55

This is feeling so familiar except it was my parents, not in-laws! My parents were only interested in themselves, when my dad died my "mother" socialised as much as she could, while I did the helpful stuff. She was always difficult but got worse over recent years and it has taken me over 50 years on this earth to realise (with the help of a therapist) that she is a covert narcissist and I have been emotionally neglected and suffered narcissistic abuse since I was a baby.

Your husband has grown up as being the one who doesn't matter, it's ingrained in him, I think he would need professional help to see that this is not right or normal.

My "mother" said something so horrible (about me as a parent) to me a couple of years ago that I had to block her and refuse to engage with her except in writing. She has ignored anything I asked her to do (get counselling), hasn't answered any questions, and bleated poor me, poor me, victim, victim, victim.
The main questions I asked her were:

How often did you babysit your grandchildren or take them out? (Never)
How much help did you give me with your grandchildren? (None, plenty of criticism though)
How did you show your grandchildren that you loved them unconditionally? (She didn't)
Did you ever come to visit me and your grandchildren specifically, i.e. NOT to see other friends or family? (She came to 2 events but I'd say doesn't remember)
Do you think I was responsible for the decisions which resulted in you living where you are? (They moved 2 hours away from suburbs and now she doesn't like being in a village).

She has never taken responsibility, these people don't. And they are so entitled that they get enraged if someone doesn't give them what they think they are due. So be careful. They have decided you are to be in their lives and they won't like that actually that doesn't suit you and they certainly won't recognise that it's because of their own behaviour. But they will likely put pressure on your husband to put pressure on you (look up flying monkeys, that's what they'll try to turn him into).

My "mother" expected in her old age I would down tools on my life, which I built without her, dropping everything to look after her. She was happy to keep me out of the fun part of her life but thought I owed her in her old age. I believe she actually thought during Covid lockdown that I should have moved in with her, even though every time I have visited her since my Dad died, she tried to pick an argument, she would keep going until I eventually snapped back at her. Bloody exhausting.

So I agree with others here, I think your in-laws have decided you're the one to step in at this point to look after them. But it looks like your strong in your stance and you are so right. I just think you need to be aware of how difficult this is going to be in terms of your husband. People like your in-laws don't care who they hurt so long as they get what they want, they will be happy to walk over you. Even if it ends in splitting up your marriage, they will feel no guilt as now their son will be free to look after them. Tread very carefully.

JanieEyre · 18/08/2023 10:56

Have you ever invited them to yours - not to tag along on outings, but, say, for meals etc to get to know them?

PlanningTowns · 18/08/2023 10:58

Two things stand out for me:

’ I don’t want to be put in the position of saying “no thanks”. In the past I’ve actually been on holiday with them in a city, and MIL and SiLs have gone out and not invited me!‘

and

’Suddenly DH and I are popular when PIL are becoming infirm and much more demanding of their DD’s.’

they have burnt the bridges even though it is clear you have tried and given it a go with them.

doesn’t matter if it is you or dh but go back and say that you are confused because you have been in their lives for 25 years and you would have thought that that’s long enough to get to know you? Be interesting to see their response!

otherwise it’s reasonable to say that your happy with the way things are and continue to be distant but polite on any meeting. If they get ‘funny’ then remind them of these previous encounters. I just can’t get over that you went away with them and they excluded you. Aresholes.

FlamingMadKatie · 18/08/2023 11:03

I hadn't got very far into your op when I thought these were people now expecting you to step up and offer support to your PILs. You may have to accept that your husband who has obviously suffered from their emotional neglect, will be keen to get involved in the hope that they'll finally show him some love. Hard as that sounds, he'll have to deal with that himself.

I wouldn't shout or argue, but quietly hold the line that you're quite happy not to have them in your life, you own them nothing. Neither his sisters or his parents.

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