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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who IBU here - been thrown a fish

79 replies

SomethingSmellsOffHere · 18/08/2023 08:51

I've known my in-laws for 25 years. During this time we have spent a lot of time together. I am talking days, weekends, and holidays. Despite this, my in-laws know nothing about me. If asked, hey wouldn't know where I am from, how many siblings I have and their names etc. because they have never made any effort to get to know me and they are too busy talking about themselves to ask anyone else a question.

I have never seen my MIL, or FIL, or SIL's pay my DH any attention. I've not once seen a present come his way, or any general interest. As an extension of this, I have never received anything from them either. There have been many times I have struggled with my life, and my DC, and could have done with some help, but we have had none from them, despite one of them living in the same town as me. I'd call it indifference, but it isn't because there has been a lot of low level animosity in my direction, what I perceive as jealously, and pettiness.

So, I have been one of the many women on here over the years talking about my troubles with my in-laws and the lack of help. Often, they are told to form their own network and rely on friends. This is what I have done. I have my own network, and I am sorted.

The AIBU is as follows. Fast forward to now. My MIL and 2 SIL's have told my DH they would like to get to know me better. For some strange reason they have realised that actually, I am not so bad.

I've told DH that if they have had 25 years to get to know me, and not once made an effort, so thanks but no thanks. He is hurt that I have said this and thinks I should get to know them and it is a bit rude of me. I prefer the status quo. I'll be polite and welcoming on the rare occasions when I see them, but that is it. I feel they have got their heads together, and thrown me a very small fish, and they can keep it.

Who is BU here?

OP posts:

ImNotReallySpartacus · 18/08/2023 11:05

Too little too late.

ManateeFair · 18/08/2023 11:05

What I'm struggling to understand here is the discrepancy between them never paying any attention to your DH or apparently ever having a proper conversation with you, but at the same time spending days and weekends together and even going on holiday with you. Who's inviting whom, exactly? Do you invite them and they come along and completely ignore you and your DH? Or do they invite you? (I'm not doubting you, by the way, I'm just trying to get my head round how you can simultaneously go on holiday with someone but also not show any interest in them and essentially ignore them. It just sounds really fucking weird if the initial invitation to holiday with them is literally the only attention they ever pay you as a couple!)

Cherrysoup · 18/08/2023 11:07

Nah, too little, too late and as you say, they’re probably thinking of when they get older and infirm. Not your job to look after them.

swimlyn · 18/08/2023 11:07

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 18/08/2023 09:06

Maybe as age has crept in they feel you could be useful at some point...

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.

You'll find out soon.

QuintessentiallyScottish · 18/08/2023 11:08

every time I have visited her since my Dad died, she tried to pick an argument, she would keep going until I eventually snapped back at her

@Escapingafter50years that's what they do - wind you up so much till you get angry then they can claim to be your victim, yet again.

It's clear to see in hindsight but when you are with them they keep your head so full of them intentionally so you can't see their behaviour for what it is.

Mix56 · 18/08/2023 11:16

What explication does your H have for their 25 yrs if spite & indifference, does he really not know you at all to believe you can put all that hurt behind you, & become pals when PIL are crumbling.
(Which btw should not preclude his participation with his family )
He needs to stop & seriously consider how deliberately unkind they have been for your entire marriage

FreeRider · 18/08/2023 11:26

Yep, I'd be giving this a big fat 'nope' as well.

They've had a quarter of a century to get to know you and have chosen not to. So I think in terms of fairness, you now have 25 years in which to ignore them.

I had this from ex mother in law ... was basically ignored for the 5 years I was dating the ex husband ... the minute we were married (and as I was bought up Catholic, she probably thought I'd be straight into having children) she started trying to be friendly. Yeah no, so sorry, too little too late. I didn't suddenly become worth knowing because there might be grandchildren on the way (there wasn't, and never would have been).

Original poster

SomethingSmellsOffHere · 18/08/2023 11:38

Manatee and Summerhouse,

I’ve known them 25 years. During the early years I spent lots of time with them; days out, holidays and weekends away. It became apparent that they were not very nice people, so we (I) invited them to less and less. I now see them about 2-3 times a year, despite living quite close to us.

OP posts:

TenderDandelions · 18/08/2023 11:46

They barely know you, yet now there are some obvious caring responsibilities creeping up that their other DD's are obviously being (or threatened with being) involved in, they want to start to get to know you??

I'd be highly suspicious that they're lining you up to be their carer (are you a SAHM by any chance?)... because, you know, that's a woman's job, so isn't up to your DH to do... 😡

CFs of the highest order!

Original poster

SomethingSmellsOffHere · 18/08/2023 11:46

Thrown a fish…

I see myself as a seal, being thrown a small fish, and I’m supposed to clap, do a funny jig, bark and be grateful.

Do seals bark?

OP posts:

Maddy70 · 18/08/2023 11:55

Do you think you have been stand offish for years and its not them being distant its you?

Try being nice to them see how it goes

ManateeFair · 18/08/2023 11:58

SomethingSmellsOffHere · 18/08/2023 11:46

Thrown a fish…

I see myself as a seal, being thrown a small fish, and I’m supposed to clap, do a funny jig, bark and be grateful.

Do seals bark?

Ah, you're confusing seals with sea-lions. Sea-lions are the clappy, lively barky ones that used to perform in circuses, perched on a box and balancing a ball on their nose in exchange for fish. Seals only have tiny wee flippers, and are much more chilled out. On land they mainly just lie around.

Anyway. The key thing here is that your in-laws sound absolutely awful and I would very much not want to 'get to know them better' after 25 years of them not giving a shit about you. If they were going to be throwing you any fish, they should have thrown them 25 years ago. The fish have long since gone off, and probably stink by now.

Anxioys · 18/08/2023 12:03

Are they getting on a bit? Potentially in need of some care and realising that you are best placed?

This motivation is transparent- don't be fooled

Bitterballen · 18/08/2023 12:06

Genuinely clicked on this thread expecting a story about a day out on a boat that went awry....

zingally · 18/08/2023 12:10

Just be wary.

I'd maybe back-track just a little with your DH and say that you WOULD like to get to know them better and let him feed that back. But then do nothing. Let all the next moves be theirs.
And also consider it from DHs POV. He's been ignored for 25 years, and they are now throwing a lifeline. Some people might just tell them to f off, but some might be so grateful for any attention, after being starved for so long, that they'll take any scraps being offered. Remember, this is his blood family, and 25 years of being ignored has got to have hurt.

On another note, maybe look into the reason behind the renewed contact. How old is the PIL who lives locally? Are they suddenly feeling their age and looking ahead to support needs? Is someone newly diagnosed with something? Maybe time to do a little digging OP!

starfishmummy · 19/08/2023 13:25

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 18/08/2023 09:11

My MIL and 2 SIL's have told my DH they would like to get to know me better.

Is MIL been diagnosed with a long term condition and will need caring help soon? Be very wary.

This was my first thought too

cherrylola · 19/08/2023 13:54

Ducklake · 18/08/2023 09:11

Tell your husband you reacted quickly without thinking because you were taken by surprise as this was so out of the blue.

Just say yes of course you’re happy to get to know them and he can tell them that.

Then do absolutely nothing. Let them do all the running. They might be reformed people, but they might not. It could be that either there’s something wrong with one of them, and they’re trying to line up support, or they’re trying to drive a wedge between you and DH. So be cautious not to play into that.

This is excellent advice!

Aprilx · 19/08/2023 13:59

DuploTrain · 18/08/2023 09:17

It’s very strange of them to announce as a committee that they want to get to know you better. I would be very wary.

I’ve never heard the throwing fish expression, so I wasn’t sure what to expect from this thread!🐠

I honestly though somebody was about to say that their partner threw a wet fish at them.

maddening · 19/08/2023 14:00

Lapsedcataholic · 18/08/2023 09:05

They're up to something. You've known them a long time, the SILs must be around 50yoa and PIL 70ish? Has anyone got declining health or a mobility problem which you could be roped into helping with? You're wise to be wary.

This was my exact thought

rollonretirementfgs · 19/08/2023 14:11

My initial reaction would be hell no, and tell them to do one. However I had a rocky relationship with my MIL for years, she just seemed to really dislike me so I stayed away as much as possible. When my FIL got poorly I wanted to help out more and I started spending a lot more time with. We actually realised how much we liked each other and she then became a 2nd mum to me. Her last few years we had a lovely relationship. Unfortunately she died last year and I was devastated, but pleased we had those last few years so close.

Blanketpolicy · 19/08/2023 14:36

What is the situation with ages, how close do you live to them compared to other SILs and work?

If they are getting on a bit and need support, you are local, perhaps PT and perceive you have less worthy obligations than them they may be lining you up to take on some of responsibility. I would be making it crystal clear to dh his parents care needs will be his responsibility not yours.

I guess your options to getting to know them better are "no thanks", "lets see" or "this is weird - can you be honest and tell me what's going on/where did this come from?"

WorkSmarter · 19/08/2023 15:00

Wow! I feel your pain!🤕

They sound like self-absorbed sods. Let them carry on being self-absorbed and you carry on with your nice little life.

Your husband can go see them at any time.

My inlaws are obsessed with the bad behaviour of my BIL (and his kid) and my kids and husband are totally side-lined.

From early on my FIL literally swerved round me to talk to someone else when I was new to the family (so didn't know a lot to dislike yet) and then went over to talk to favoured DIL and Son. I teared up at the time as was very hurt and spent years listening to them, serving them and trying to get them to like me! So sad when I look back!

Went for a meal recently and my FIL sat next to me. Totally out of character. It turns out he wanted me to invest in another crack pot scheme of his, crypto!! CF or what? I made it clear it was too high risk for us and he lost interest very soon after that.

Anyway they are mid 70s now and am leaving them to the SIL & BIL to sort. They had the best of them for 20 years so now they can have the worst of them. Think that is fair.

Carry on with your own life and laugh inwardly at the cheek!!

Walesagogo · 19/08/2023 20:06

There's either an alternative agenda or your dh has had a heart to heart with them (either he or them have started a conversation somehow and it has come up) and then they've come up with this.
Either way I'd be wary.

Elfandwellbeing · 19/08/2023 20:15

They are buttering you up. Someone has realised old age is knocking and that you would make a really good carer ….. maybe…… I’m skeptical due to my sil who never gave me the time of time for about 15 years until the time came and it suited her.

Boredandbitter · 19/08/2023 20:21

Yup. Cunning f£ckers. Beware. Do nowt.

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